Why do I want her back so badly?

[55suns]

I don't understand why I want her back so badly.  It has been nine months and I have gone through many different emotions.  When we first separated, I was relieved and happy to have some peace.  We had a brief reconnect in October, but it seemed our daughter wasn't responding well when we would go our separate ways (to our own houses), so I said that maybe we shouldn't do it anymore.  My wife took it as me not wanting to be with her.  There was a series of blowups from minor to major.  Then I was angry and didn't do anything to get back together with her.  She had been with a few guys, one even before October, but in January she started dating a new guy I could tell she really liked.  This killed me.  I threw myself at her and promised anything she wanted including giving up all of my endeavors that took me away from her. This meant quitting school, selling a house she hated, moving from an area she hated etc.  Anything.  I pleaded, cried and begged in a very pathetic manner.  Alas, after six years of commitment she chose the guy she knew for three weeks or less over me and our family.  Recently she said she chose herself.  She always would say that she lost herself in me.  I never understood that. I always encouraged her to do her own things.  I'm a bit of a solitary creature at times. 

It's just after that breakdown that I sought out therapy and my therapist is the one who identified BPD.  I was skeptical at first, but after copious amounts of research I know the therapist is right on.  This diagnosis sent me through another cycle of grieving.  I went from disbelief, to empathy and back to disbelief again.  Of course there was fear in there too since I really didn't know what she may be capable of.  For instance, she was extremely paranoid that I was trying to take our daughter from her... . was this projection?

Now I sit here and do nothing but pine for her.  She is really happy right now and although I am happy for her, it also kills me because I wanted to be the one that makes her happy.  After years of a roller coaster relationship that was mystifying, why can't I just let her go?  The bad times outnumbered the good and I feel like a different (weaker/worse) person then I was before I met her.  Why do I still want her?  Is it for my daughters sake?  Is it because I'm lonely?  Is it because I need the idealization that she sometimes granted me?  I miss her touch... . I miss her presence... . I miss the glint in her eye.

I don't expect any answers as this is more of a cathartic exercise which I guess is one of the points of these boards.  But if you took the time to read this... . thank you.

[LettingGo14]

55suns,

You write a searingly honest posting that echoed many things for me, and I'm sure shared by many people here.  We are left with such questions and, often no answers for quite some time.

All I can offer is my experience.  The only answers that will matter will come from within you.   You will embrace the answers that make sense to you.

Learning about BPD helps in some ways, because perhaps we can let go of the idea that we might have fixed something.   This was a very helpful reading for me:  Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck  I carried it with me, and I'd write about each belief and my experience of each when I felt deeply "stuck."

More importantly, however, I am learning I can reclaim myself from feeling broken, shattered, or alone.   I'm learning to welcome my feelings of pain, because I dissociated for too long.  I am replaced, I was devalued, and I was split black.   But, it's ok -- in fact, it might be the worst best thing that ever happened to me because it's caused me to wake up, to tap inner strength, to grieve, to feel emotions, and to be alive again.

We are reduced to the core.   We start from there.   Keep asking the questions -- detachment leads to freedom.   I am glimpsing it more and more each day.

[Paul M]

Hello

I understand how you feel and the emotions you are dealing with. I think most if the people on these boards do.You are human you know how to love. This is a good thing.If you felt nothing then you got problems 

I was with my ex only 3 months yet I was turnt from a strong emotionally mature man into some sort of lovesick fool questioning my own mental health.

The best thing i done was go no contact and take back control.

3 months out I still think about her fairly regularly but I don't hurt so bad. Infact it's not really a hurt at all more like an acknowledgement of the emotional growth iv gone thru due to this ex who can't function normally

In shirt is normal but will get better you got to help yourself get pro active and take some control if your life and your destiny. Get angry

[55suns]

Thank you both for your response.

More importantly, however, I am learning I can reclaim myself from feeling broken, shattered, or alone.   I'm learning to welcome my feelings of pain, because I dissociated for too long.  I am replaced, I was devalued, and I was split black.   But, it's ok -- in fact, it might be the worst best thing that ever happened to me because it's caused me to wake up, to tap inner strength, to grieve, to feel emotions, and to be alive again.

Lettinggo14 this is particularly poignant.   I generally disassociate from pain, especially when it comes to this relationship.  I didn't feel it when she hurt me but I still resented her for it.  I couldn't explain how I could at once be a nice guy but also be the cause of all her pain.  She blamed our relationship for feeling suicidal. Just tonight she said she is much  better with our daughter now that we're not together... . so my presence made her  yell at our kid.  I guess now after all this time apart I am feeling both hurt  from these and other things while wishing I could have another shot.  I can't justify this dichotomy and don't at all understand this about myself.  I'm working on reclaiming but have suffered some setbacks.  Don't feel too good about myself right now

Sorry for the ramble but thanks again!