Hi Josie C
So glad that you decided to make a post and share your story with us. We promise to do our best to be of support to you and help you in your journey with the mental illness experience. I am honestly concerned about how distraught you seem to be. This level of stress over long periods of time can cause more problems than we even recognize.
My dd20 (the oldest of 4) was dx at 18 with depression and anxiety, this coming after she went away to college on a full 4-year academic scholarship only to come home after one year due to low grades, being picked up for shoplifting, suicidal ideation, and emotion/anger issues that have made our home a war zone. Once home, we required her to start therapy, and my dh and I did as well. Over the past 6 months her T has suggested I read BPD materials and has said our d has severe separation anxiety. T told me she doesn't find giving a specific BPD diagnosis to be helpful. Her approach is to look at the traits and see if they fit then go from there. :)d is currently on two antidepressants, takes them sporadically.
She has a history of stopping meds cold turkey, going into a major manic phase, and crashing with threats of suicide. In August she was hospitalized for a week because of this. They changed her meds, she learned to "play nice" so as to get released, and came home angrier and more depressed than ever.
So it seems being away from home at college was too much for her and the sporadic taking of medications can cause more harm than good... .a rollercoaster of it's own created.
She went to live with my sister, got a job. Two months later she quit the job, asked to return home, broke up with boyfriend of 2 years, immediately started up with a new boyfriend. In January she enrolled in one college course. That same week she screamed that she wanted to kill me more than she wanted to kill herself. Scary stuff. Last week she started a new job (about 6 hours a week).
The loss of a 2 year r/s with her boyfriend must have really been difficult for her to cope with.
She has severe emotion dysregulation, suicidal ideation, anger-anger-anger, narcissistic tendencies, impulsiveness. Thankfully, no alcohol or drug use. She spends money she doesn't have (literally, as her bank balance is consistently negative and she is in danger of losing her account and having a bad credit record). We have made it clear we will no longer bail her out of financial troubles.
Clear boundaries that you strictly adhere to are a must.
We provided her with a car when she went to live with my sister, being very clear that it was a family car for her to use for work and therapy appts only. Semantics, maybe, but it is the only way to have any leverage. :)espite not working for three months, she expects gas in the car to go whenever and wherever she pleases. When we say no, it's fireworks. She lies about where she goes and who she is with. I've taken to checking the odometer in the car and it makes me feel sneaky and awful.
What are the consequences of misusing the car? When she rages at you when you say "no" to a request how do you respond?
You can cut the tension in our home with a knife. I know I am contributing to the toxicity and have tried in earnest to stop making things worse. But I feel used and abused, tired of being blamed for all her troubles and being told I am the one with the problems. I'm tired of tip-toeing around the issues. I get fed up and then everything escalates. I doubt everything I do and say. I have a constant knot in my stomach when she is home. I am angry, fearful, resentful, and bewildered. And I am so sad that my younger boys have to live with this every day and I am worried that they don't have the mom they deserve.
When we are overwhelmed and don't have clear goals, a command of the skills we need and live in the FOG we get lost in the sauce dear lady. It is not ok to sacrifice ourselves or our other children to appease another. It isn't good for the other children, ourselves or our BPD loved ones either.
There is a DBT program about two hours from our home. :)H and I recently attended our first parent group. Our dd refuses, but her T is trying to encourage it. I don't know what the next right thing to do is. I've read some of the lessons, tools and workshops. Watched some videos. I practically have my own library of resources that I am constantly referring to (including Shari Manning and the Lundbergs). I know skills but don't know how to use them effectively. I'm overwhelmed.
We can help you practice your skills and point you to information that can help you understand their practical use and purposes.
When I was lost in the sauce the first thing I had to do was take back some control over myself... .my thoughts, my feelings, my fears. I had to create some head space/heart space so that I could learn. When we live in fear and are suffering from anxiety we cannot learn. Once I created that head/heart space I felt safe and in that safe place I began to excel at learning. I created this safe space by setting boundaries around my values of peaceful communication, personal safety, and my daughter's safety. I could not waver on enforcing my boundaries lest I make things worse in my home and within myself. My boundaries are like Fort Knox... .no one can get past them.
What boundaries do you need to set to create a safe space to learn skills and put them into practice in your life?
lbj
