Post suicide attempt recriminations...

[Calm Waters]

My son is in a spinal injuries unit in the uk after a failed suicide attempt. He has injured his spine so badly he has a 12 inch rod supporting the smashed vertabrae and he has lost bowel bladder and erectile function. He is only 26 but has suffered with depression for 10 years. I was there when he jumped and did my best to stop him, I actually fought him and begged him, i screamed that he would end up in a wheel chair and ruin us, this has in fact come to pass. He has survived a 100 foot fall miraculously but is now having to suffer the consequences for the rest of his life as will we, the rest of his family and me in particular.We saw the mental heath crisis team not an hour before this happened and he hoodwinked us all.

Since he has recovered to the extent that he is now aware of the damage to himself, he is blaming everyone but himself, its his friends, his parents, his ex girlfriend, he just keeps repeating the same stuff and sending us abusive then apologetic texts. He seems stuck in anger and has not yet come to acceptance ( grief cycle ) it is exactly this stuck thinking that got him to a psychotic state to begin with and I worry that when ha has recovered enough he may try again. I know its early days, it happened 7 weeks ago and he will be in hospital for at least another 2 months. Logical argument and conversation doesn't seem to work as was the case before the attempt. He is a bright lad with a degree but seems unable to comprehend that if he had accepted help this wouldnt have happened.

For me my BPD and NPD traits mean i am not prepared to look after him for the rest of his life... .I want my life back!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hello Calm Waters.

I'm sorry that you are still struggling with the attempted suicide. I wouldn't expect it to be easy... .or for you and your son to recover quickly. Life must be ridiculously difficult for you right now, and I wish I could say that I understand, but truth be told, I can only imagine your turmoil.

I do understand the need to have your own life back. I have the same need myself, sometimes I feel so wrapped up in my own self pity, that I can't really function normally. And yes, I did mean self pity, because I do feel sorry for myself. I mean who wouldn't, right?

What you must understand, is that we, as parents, we did not ask for our children to have BPD, we did not ask to be condemned to a life in Hell. Who would ever wish for this illness? You are not a bad parent or a bad person for wanting to let go and let someone else carry the weight of it all for a while, or for wanting your own life back.

You are a strong individual, and have endured so much already, I hope you can catch a break soon. Meanwhile, know that I am still thinking of you, and wishing you nothing but peace and happiness.

Take Care

[Pou]

My son is in a spinal injuries unit in the uk after a failed suicide attempt. He has injured his spine so badly he has a 12 inch rod supporting the smashed vertabrae and he has lost bowel bladder and erectile function. He is only 26 but has suffered with depression for 10 years. I was there when he jumped and did my best to stop him, I actually fought him and begged him, i screamed that he would end up in a wheel chair and ruin us, this has in fact come to pass. He has survived a 100 foot fall miraculously but is now having to suffer the consequences for the rest of his life as will we, the rest of his family and me in particular.We saw the mental heath crisis team not an hour before this happened and he hoodwinked us all.

Since he has recovered to the extent that he is now aware of the damage to himself, he is blaming everyone but himself, its his friends, his parents, his ex girlfriend, he just keeps repeating the same stuff and sending us abusive then apologetic texts. He seems stuck in anger and has not yet come to acceptance ( grief cycle ) it is exactly this stuck thinking that got him to a psychotic state to begin with and I worry that when ha has recovered enough he may try again. I know its early days, it happened 7 weeks ago and he will be in hospital for at least another 2 months. Logical argument and conversation doesn't seem to work as was the case before the attempt. He is a bright lad with a degree but seems unable to comprehend that if he had accepted help this wouldnt have happened.

For me my BPD and NPD traits mean i am not prepared to look after him for the rest of his life... .I want my life back!

My heart goes out to you.  I think it is most difficult to have a child who has PD.  I can only say that you need to keep it clear that you are not responsible for his self destructive behavior... at least in your head, you must keep that straight.  I know in reality, you will have to pay for his mis-behaviors and he will continue to blame you and his immediate family for his own bad behaviors.  But having a wife who has NPD, I know PDs are unable to acknowledge their own wrong doings.  Therefore, I would worry about yourself first and make sure you are well care for first.  Your son is 26, he should be responsible for himself and if you want help him, that would just be a bonus for him.  If he doesn't understand that, you should at least acknowledge that you are going beyond your responsibility as a parent.  Which many will do the same as you.  Hang in there and I hope things will turn for better soon.   

[MammaMia]

Calm Waters

I also have concerns about an adult child wBPD who cannot provide emotionally or physically for their own needs.  At this point in time you may not know the degree of permanent disability involved, but does it appear that your son's injuries are compatible with living on his own?  Would he qualify for an assisted living situation?  If not, have you considered hiring outside help (nursing, PT, or other skilled worker or companion) to share caregiver responsibilities in your home?  

Does he have a medical social worker who might have additional suggestions?

Dealing with physical disabilities is difficult enough, but when coupled with BPD, you really need someone to share the burden. To be a caregiver 100% of the time is not healthy for you or your son.  

Very difficult situation. Just some thoughts.

[Calm Waters]

thank you Mamma, useful ideas - calm