New member, hitting rock bottom already

[rationalmind]

I've hesitated a long time but decided I really needed the support of others who know what it's like to live with a BPD teen.  My dd17 soon to be 18 probably had borderline traits for many years (thought to be mild ADHD). Her dad and I split up when she was two and was perturbed about it for years.  DD was smart and did  well in school but reacted strongly to stressors including my work schedule, separations, and my ex and my remarriages (she has lived with myself and her stepdad since age 10).    Lying, manipulation, friend drama I thought was just girl stuff and she would outgrow.  Real trouble started around age 14--didn't realize it at the time but she started sneaking out, smoking, dabbling in alcohol and pot.  At 15 she was raped, and I got her into counseling immediately.  She was diagnosed with PTSD, then depression.  So two and a half years later, multiple medications with minimal effect, one hospitalization that she still resents me for, escalating drug use, dropped out of HS and lost her job due to her behavior, and she is completely dysfunctional but I have no control given her age.  Everything has spiraled out of control. She was increasingly becoming verbally abusive and then physically abusive which led to the police being called twice.  Her pattern of dealing with emotional stress is running away--each time she's run a little longer. Since the last altercation, she's been gone nearly all of 3 weeks except for 12 hours at Christmas, couch surfing with friends (most of whom I don't know and she won't tell me exactly where she is).  She was communicating with me so I was hopeful she would come home or try to get help soon.  I've lost touch with her for the last few dyas (texted a friend and apparently she had lost her phone).--figured she would come back after that but no.  I fear for her life now.  She has no money, no legal way to make any, no identification and barely anything she took with her. Not sure if she is taking her meds.  She has an individual therapist but only intermittently accepts therapy and hasn't gone recently. She's not a candidate for DBT as she's not willing.  RTF is not an option at this point, she is turning 18 and is no longer living in the house, even if we could afford it.  Frankly, I don't think we can let her back in even if she wants to due to the escalation of behavior, drugs in the house, etc. I have a smaller child at home too that I need to protect.  When she is less emotional, she is smart, kind, and presents herself very well.  But she is in so much emotional pain she can't hold down a job or tolerate school and is unable to stick to any plans.  After consulting with the police, therapists, etc it seems there is nothing I can do.  Does anyone have experience with a BPD teen with this behavior?  Acting out rather than in and not accepting help?  Is there a chance there will be some improvement after the teen years? I am trying radical acceptance as it is her who must turn her life around, but how will she survive? We aren't willing to enable the destructive/dangerous behavior and taking her in after 18 isn't an option for me unless she is willing to work on her issues but I fear for her as I assume she will run out of options eventually. I guess I didn't realize how severe her issues were especially when she was in therapy as she was making progress for a while.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[A_Dad_E]

Hey rationalmind, its scary how similar your experience is to mine. The best advice I can offer based on our experience is to practice tough love. Don't let her just pop in and out of your life only to use you for a short time and bail again. Set a standard and stick to it, it sucks but its the only means you have to protect yourself and get off the emotional roller coaster she is forcing you to ride with her antics. If she wants to be a part of your life then she needs to do it consistently, otherwise she is on her own. We are doing that with our daughter and she unfortunately has chosen to stay away, but it beats getting dragged thru the mud every couple of days/weeks. You have to pick your battles and not let her completely run your life. While I'm still not happy with her being gone, the pain I feel now is 100000000x better than the misery of having her in the house and getting pulled into her drama day in and day out. Loving from afar is probably whats best till she decides she is ready to accept help. Like our daughter, I think it will take her hitting complete rock bottom for her to finally realize her way of doing things does not work. As scary as that is to imagine, it has to happen, I'm a firm believer in the mantra "Wisdom is born from suffering", its only when we suffer at the deepest level that our eyes are finally opened.

I could be wrong in this so if others have better ideas then they can feel free to chime in.

Hope you are able to find peace, I'm still working to find mine, but I'm hopeful. Knowing we are not alone in our suffering and that there are people out there who understand what we are going thru with our BPD kids helps a lot.

[MammaMia]

rationalmind

Very difficult situation.  I am so sorry.

Where is your dd's biological dad, and is he able to get through to her?  She is still a minor, why the police said they cannot help makes no sense.  Once she turns 18, all the rules change, but until then she remains your legal responsibility.

You should at least be able to report her as missing and stress the mental illness issue to the max.  If she poses a danger to others or herself, the police must act.  Even if she was in custody, at least you would know where she is.

I have a friend with a grandson who is uBPD but clearly has all the symptoms.  She is going through exactly what you are.  He, however, is 19 and has other medical issues.  His mother has thrown him out and wants nothing to do with him.  He has been staying with my friend, but he is driving her nuts, and she must be out of town for several weeks soon and cannot leave him alone in her apartment.  He, too, has worn out his welcome with family and friends.  She is  frantic as to what will happen to him while she is gone.  We live in MN so living on the streets in the winter is not an option, in fact, it is deadly due to the cold.

My own BPD son who is 40 is currently incarcerated for the second time.  He is not able to function outside a controlled environment.  

I wish I had an answer for you.  I know the heartbreak you are going through.  Many of us do. Please keep us posted.  It really helps to talk about our fears and stress.  No one on earth gets it better than we do, and we want to help and support you in any way we can.

[rationalmind]

Thank you both, it's good to know I'm not completely crazy.  I appreciate your support!

It is a really tough situation--I reported her missing twice last year--the second time I actually had to make an emergency petition.  She ended up coming home and was taken in handcuffs by the sherrif to the ED--she wasn't really a danger to herself in classic sense but at my insistence they saw how delusional she had become and she got admitted for a week. Horrible experience I don't want to go through again.  I don't think it helped her that much and of course she still resents me for it (and her therapist says we should try to avoid hospitalizations due to the emotional dysregulation and our conflicted relationship) 

We live in an affluent county and I think the cops get tired of the typical teenage BS and don't understand the issues thinking these are just rebellious kids.  I ended up reporting her missing again today but they have nothing to go on so no active search.  The ironic thing is the day she got in the altercation with my dh and he called the police (I was working) they ended up taking her to a friend despite our protests, refused to take her to get evaluated as they deemed her safe, said it would "just be for the night'.  Yeah right I knew she wouldn't come home.  I only found out where she was staying when the friend's mother called me a couple of days later. Then she lost her welcome there and has been couch surfing but knows not to tell me where she is.  Basically the police say at 17 they cannot force someone to return home (we can't physically restrain her) but if she doesn't meet criteria for being suicidal or homicidal then she can't be involuntarily hospitalized (which she never does and knows what to say)--crazy!.  So it's sad but I really hope she gets in trouble somehow so she can get help she needs (though I recognize this may be a cycle for years).  My brother in law uBPD was enabled by his parents for years, all kinds of craziness, and although I know classically symptoms improve it wasn't the case with him.

[rationalmind]

I have been in touch with her bio dad but she basically cut him out of her life a couple of years ago after he couldn't deal with her behavior so I doubt she will go there. He lives about an hour away and has two small kids so wouldn't wish it on him anyway .

[A_Dad_E]

Your problem with the cops is not abnormal. We called the cops a few times on our daughter when she was 17 and each time the cops told us there wasn't much they can do. Even though the child is still a minor, when they hit 17 it hits a legal grey area and often times the cops can't do a whole lot. We were lucky the few times we did call that we got kind and understanding officers who sat down and talked to our daughter about making good choices, even though in the long run it didn't do any good, I was glad they understood rather than giving us an attitude and brushing us off.

[rationalmind]

So just an update.  My worst fears confirmed. Her two good friends left in the world let me know after failing to intervene with her that she was holed up with a hard core drug dealer in his 30's, couch surfing.  I filed an emergency petition, and the same night these loser guys (with my daughter in tow) got stopped at a traffic stop and arrested for possess of drugs and firearms. Holy S... how far have we spiraled   Apparently she is now injecting and has track marks--got her to the hospital and she is finally admitted but of course she won't talk to me as it's all my fault (not that I care).  Tox was only positive for benzos and marijuana so I guess it's not daily use of whatever she's injecting... fearing for her safety.  Resources are limited and I so fear there's nothing that we can do (and knowing the natural history of addiction), but again I accept there is nothing we can do.  So sad. I hope once the drugs clear she will come around.  She's on an adult dual diagnosis unit but with insurance probably only has a few days. It isn't an option to return to our home given the safety issues and she will be 18 in 2 months.  Terrifying also that before all this happened I had accepted a job cross country and we're moving in June.  She was going to come along, and I thought a change would be good but now I have visions of her laying in a ditch back here and not ever seeing her again. So sad.  Would love to hear others' stories

[MammaMia]

rationalmind


Was your daughter also arrested and charged?  If she is involved in the legal system, she may be required to undergo drug treatment.

When it rains, it pours.  I am so sorry.

[rationalmind]

She was not charged with anything--nothing was found on her.  Of course there were drugs and weapons in the car but I guess the cops felt she was the victim.  I will see how it plays out.  Right now she doesn't even want to see me.  I'm not sure she will agree to rehab but I may have to get the courts involved as she absolutely cannot come back home under current circumstances.  Thanks for your support.

[rationalmind]

Visiting DD in the hospital yesterday. Some things went better than expected--I didn't break down and cry, I practiced radical acceptance and validation while disapproving the behaviors, and I left when I had had enough despite DD trying to lure me back and push my buttons.  Some things went worse also--she didn't even try to deny the injecting drug use but of course she is "not addicted". Doesn't think hanging out with criminals is a problem, and has a delusion of going to live with her new druggie boyfriend (now in jail) and be really successful.  All this she will do when she is 18.  So I can't stop her after that, and DH and I won't enable.  Some have suggested forced rehab but at the cost of 30K and knowing that people have to be willing to accept help to be successful, should I just let her hit her own rock bottom?  We also can't have her come back home and will be moving cross country soon so may completely lose control and touch with her.  Does anyone have success stories of kids who were able to come to terms with their problems and ultimately get help? Looking for advice on how to maintain the balance between emotional support and not enabling.

[rationalmind]

I should mention that she is highly intelligent but doesn't have life skills--she doesn't have an ID, a driver's license, access to money etc. Most of her things are scattered at folks houses she was couch surfing at or stolen.  Her only real choice is a life of crime but of course she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong so SHE wouldn't get arrested. Told her after 18 I wouldn't bail her out (I mean it).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Does anyone have success stories of kids who were able to come to terms with their problems and ultimately get help? Looking for advice on how to maintain the balance between emotional support and not enabling.

rationalmind, I'm really sorry for all of the troubles you are having with your daughter. I do know what it is like to have a child with BPD who is dealing with not only the mental health issues that BPD causes, but also a drug problem. I found this site because my adult (37) son was diagnosed with BPD in March/April 2013, after a suicidal ideation and multi-year Heroin addiction landed him in our local hospital's Psych Ward. After a couple days there, he was then admitted to a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program where he got the BPD diagnosis.

That Program saved his life... .Once he got the diagnosis, and the proper Treatment for it, he turned his whole life around. He is now more than 22 months clean and sober, and is the happiest and healthiest he has been since he was young. He is still in recovery (though I doubt he would be diagnosed with BPD at this time), and in continuing Treatment: Out-Patient Therapy once/week, Neurofeedback Therapy once/week, and Psychiatrist once/month.

He is absolutely a Success Story; and he is currently working very diligently on a graphic novel and teaching himself all the technical things he needs to learn in order to complete it. He is so happy to have found the "Artist" inside of himself again (he'd thought for years that it was the drugs that made him the artist that he is), that he is really once again the guy we all knew and loved when he was a kid. Here is his (and my) story: My Son's Recovery-In-Progress Story.

We also have a thread (pinned to the top of the Parenting Board's main page) where you can find more Success Stories: Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs.

I understand your situation probably better than you would think: my own son's hitting rock bottom includes an arrest and the threat of legal repercussions (the event that led to the Suicidal Ideation that landed him in the Psych Ward in 2013). I think if you read his story at the link above, you will see that things really can get better just when you think there is no hope... .Please don't give up, rationalmind 

[rationalmind]

Thank you for your words of encouragement Rapt Reader.  My DD is so young it seems the battle will be so hard.  It is great to hear there are some success stories out there.  I try to maintain hope because if I don't then who will.

[Rapt Reader]

I know that feeling well, rationalmind... .

There were several years where I was the only one in the world who knew my son was a good person at heart, and a talented and wonderful soul. No one--including him--knew what I knew and saw what I saw, or tried as hard as I did to find the answer to his troubles. I just never gave up, and kept hope alive.

It really can get better; if you haven't already, read the links to the right-hand side of this page, and the Feature Articles that are linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the threads on the Parenting Board main page. Right now information and knowledge is your friend