Hello from the Inside

[FeathersofHope]

Hello Fellow Parents   I discovered this wonderful site about 6 years ago when I was trying to make some sense of my daughter's troubling behavior. The common threads woven within each of our "stories" is both comforting and terrifying... .  It is finally time for me to come out from the shadows and join you 

What type of relationship are you in?

I am the parent of a beautiful daughter who turned 20 this past September. She is our only child. My husband and I were high school sweethearts and just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. He is a wonderful, caring, dependable man, and we love one another deeply. We adopted our precious daughter at birth (after 10 years of marriage) and have a very good relationship with the maternal side of her birth family. We had mutually planned on them not reuniting until my daughter's 18th birthday, but she found them on her own through Facebook when she was 15 and on a school trip to Paris. After graduating from high school, she attended and lived at a college that was about 50 minutes away. She decided not to return after three semesters and has been living back at home since December 2014. She has been working part-time at her second job since September. Prior to that, she worked at another part-time job for 6 months.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

No one that we know of, although, there does appear to be evidence of mental health issues within her biological family.

What is your child's strongest quality?

She is very intelligent and can be extremely charming. She is very witty with a sharp sense of humor. She loves animals and is wonderful with young children.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

Right now, it is opioid substance abuse and most likely addiction. She began using marijuana and abusing cough medications during the summer of 2014. She began using other drugs, including opioids at the beginning of 2015. She stopped using opioids from April 2015 - November 2015, but I strongly suspect that she began using again in December  :'(

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

The incessant lying and the self-destructive behaviors. The inability to live a healthy life and authentically use the tools she is being offered to do so. The rages, self-harm and hurtful words she engages in when she is "caught in a lie" or when our own boundaries are verbalized and followed up upon.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

(BPD, ADHD, PTSD, ASPD? Anxiety? Depressed?

Substance Abuse? Self-Harming? Other?)

She was always an extremely sensitive child. Severe separation anxiety. She began self-harming at 13. She also began "sexting" and having inappropriate on-line relationships. She began expressing suicidal ideation through writings and social media at 14. She began seeing a social worker, and was incorrectly diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome along with major depressive disorder, following the break-up of her first relationship with a boy 3 years older than she was. Hospitalized for 10 days in the psychiatric ward of Boston Children's after announcing to me that she had taken an overdose of her anti-depressant. This was precipitated by a texting argument with a friend over a boy, and shortly after another break-up with her first boyfriend. She had also become sexually active. She had a complete neuro-psychological exam at Maclean's and was diagnosed with emerging BPD and an Executive Functioning Learning Disability. Although the results of this testing was shared with her, she only seemed to acknowledge the LD. She came to me a few months ago saying that she had read something about BPD on FB and that she felt like it described herself. I felt as though this was a moment of great insight. She is currently in a relationship with someone who is 10 years older than she is, but I am fairly certain that he is also a victim of her deception.

What do you struggle with yourself?(Traits of a disorder?  Low Self Esteem? Codependent?

Enabling? Depression? PTSD? Anxiety? Other?)

I, myself, have always struggled with anxiety and have had bouts with panic disorder along with some OCD. I have been on a low dose of a time released SSRI for the past several years and feel as though I am successfully managing my condition. I struggle with the knowledge that I am enabling the drug use at this time, by not confronting my daughter about it and allowing her to live with us... .

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parent(s)?

If so, what type(s)?

(Individual? Group? Family?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy? Other?

AA, Al-Anon? Residential Treatment Center?

Dual Diagnosis? Intensive Out Patient?)

My daughter has been seeing a wonderful psychologist, who is trained in DBT, since she was 15. She also was seeing a psychiatrist at Children's for therapy and medication management until this past year when she transferred over to another psychiatrist closer to home (who is also providing therapy and in the process of changing her medications) closer to home. She willingly goes to therapy weekly, but refuses any type of group therapy or residential treatment.

I have been in therapy in the past, and I am preparing to register for a Mindfulness Training Group beginning at the end of February. I have read countless books re BPD and am continuing to make my way through the tools and lessons on the right. I am so thankful for the parents on this site who invest so much of their time into being supportive, sharing their experiences and their insight into this terrible illness.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I love my daughter so very, very much. She is my heart. We have always been so close, especially when she was younger. I feel as though, right now, I am on a very difficult journey of acceptance, and perhaps, letting go. I am very sad and almost feel as though my daughter is in hospice care or that she has a terminal illness. I need the nonjudgmental and validating support that this forum provides.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello and welcome back feathersofhope 

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. My 27 daughter, only child was diagnosed last year.  Acceptance for me is my calm foundation, yes it's a terrifying journey, but less so when I revisit all the advice to the right of the screen and share with this wonderful forum and my friends.

I'm still working towards understanding my daughters perspective on life

WDx

[FeathersofHope]

Thank you for your kind welcome, WendyDarling. I have been following your threads, and it is so good to hear that your daughter is taking ownership and positive steps towards her well-being and recovery. It is my deepest desire that my daughter will some day do the same.

''Understanding my daughter's perspective on life" has been something that I have been working on, as well. I always knew that her world-view was not quite the same as most of the rest of us. I would especially see this when she was little, and we would read bedtime stories together... .Her interpretation of story events would often times catch me off-guard.

I agree with you that the journey is less ''terrifying" when I am able to read and share in others' experiences. I visit this page each night before I go to bed, and I feel so much less alone... .

[AnotherWon]

Hi FeathersofHope,

I'm brand new to the site, but not to the struggle that brought me here.  Your post hit very close to home in so many ways!  Married my high school sweetheart 30 years ago, too. 

Unfortunately, he takes the majority of blame from our 20 yo son, which is heartbreaking to me because his intention was only to help him and wow, was he challenging to raise.  Of course now we know of a thousand things we could have done differently.  And we're trying to make things right and the resources here are helping us achieve that slowly.  My struggle, I think, is mostly grief.  I remember a lot of fun and laughter which seems to have been forgotten lately. :'(  It's almost as if that younger version of him was a totally different person.  Our son has a lot of strengths, too, but cannot see that now, much to his own detriment.  So I think I'm also sad for what could have been.  Thankfully he's young enough that I have hope for the future, but my expectations have been seriously lowered. 

I'm determined to not let it affect our marriage, but the stress overwhelms me at times, so therapy may be a part of my future here pretty soon.  BPD Family has helped a ton, so I hope it will for you too.  There's certainly not a lot of this kind of discussion on Facebook, is there?  I just wanted to say hello and that I can relate to so much of what you're going through.

Take Care!

[FeathersofHope]

Thank you, AnotherWon! Yes, it is such a comfort to have others that can wholeheartedly relate to what we are experiencing. And what a connection you and I have! I love that you and your husband are also high school sweethearts married for 30 years!    It's interesting (and sad) that your husband is the brunt of much of the blame from your son, as I am the parent my daughter lashes out at (especially the blaming). Like you, I have looked back and realized that there were so many things we could have handled differently. We communicated with our daughter as if she were a normal, albeit very sensitive, pre-teen/teenager. There must have been so many instances in which she felt invalidated, and I know that she has felt deep shame. Her therapist has really helped me in my communications with my daughter. If there is something difficult I need to discuss with my daughter, I will often ask her therapist for advice on how to word it. We are able to do this without violating any confidentiality.

I, too, am grieving ... .We also had so much fun: beloved pets, family vacations, swim meets, dance recitals and seasonal outdoor activities. When she became overwrought as a child, a snuggle on the rocking chair with a good book would always make it all better. When she entered middle school, it was almost as if a switch went off... .her behaviors became so much more extreme, and I'm afraid it took longer than it should have for my husband and I to accept the seriousness of her mental illness. Like you, we have significantly lowered our expectations regarding our daughter's future educational and career goals. My greatest hope is that she will choose to live a healthy life surrounded by the people that truly love her.

I am also mindful of the effect my daughter's turmoil has had upon my relationship with my husband. I am too often consumed by the needs of my daughter, and I tend to withdraw and ruminate. My husband travels for work and is away several days during each month. We haven't been able to get away in a while, as we feel as though we need to keep watch over our daughter and our home while she is in it... . We spend time together walking our cute, fluffy little dog and laughing at her silly antics. We also like watching lighthearted sitcoms together.

Thanks again for reaching out, AnotherWon. I didn't mean to write a book in reply! I am sending you a hug 

[AnotherWon]

Feathers!

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.  I can't begin to tell you the parallels between your story and ours.  But I will say that I do truly feel less alone in this because of your kind words.  I've tried Al-Anon and was thinking of going to a Families Anonymous group.  But I tend to be pretty private and express myself much better in writing, so I'm very hopeful of the support I may get here.  Most of my friends' kids seem to be doing SO great (maybe I need new friends ) or else no one really talks about their struggles.  Thanks for making a weary mom feel a bit better.  It sounds like your daughter is very lucky to have you!