I've never been felt so confused and hurt in my life.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I am a 24 year old woman, and I recently graduated college. I knew of a guy in high school (he went to a different one, and we both graduated 2018). We had never talked because I had always assumed he had an array of women to choose from. He is a really attractive guy. I remember I had even tried to message him in high school and he would brush me off. Fast forward to october 2023, I had forgotten all about him until I received a follow on social media. I was surprised it was him and I ended up messaging him. We started texting and then phone calls/ facetimes and this is where I guess I noticed things that just seemed a bit off. One the phone he'd talk for hours and I barely got a word in, I didn't mind though because I felt as if maybe he just needed someone to listen. He would tell me things such as he loves to hear himself speak and opened up really fast about his traumas. He had told me that he had usually never opened up to anyone so fast like the way he was doing to me. I will admit, I felt special but I also felt bad. The things he shared with me were awful, and he ended up having an incident to where he gotten shot multiple times after a fight with another guy at the end of 2022. He was diagnosed with PTSD. It took him a few months to walk again and recover fully but he was able to get back on his feet. He had made it a point to tell me he was a man of God and I admired his resilience. He had his own apartment, car and a stable job. Outside looking in, he was doing well for himself.

Over the next few months we spent everyday together, and I slept over at his every night. I don't think I slept in my own bed for at least 4 months. We'd text all day and then after work we'd see each other. We would play board games, drink wine, find shows, have deep talks. He said he'd never met anyone like me, and that he was used to toxicity but I was his peace. I had noticed his drinking around month 2. I had noticed little things like his eyes glossing or he'd stumble a bit if he got up. It was minimal but I noted it. I'd find random empty bottles hidden around, and I knew he was most likely drinking on a daily basis. There were instances where he'd be belligerent by the time I would even get there and I'd spend the time taking care of him. During these drunken states, he would talk about the shooting and how no one was there for him during his recovery process. He would often get really angry during these states and would punch or throw things surrounding him, but then start crying really hard once he calmed down. I would try my best to comfort him and that would result in him crying himself to sleep. I could never tell if he remembered anything once he was sober in the morning so I'd rarely discussed it with him. He'd just apologize for getting too drunk and we'd resume our routine.

Until about new years. He had taken me to meet his family and everything was nice at the start. His family drinks heavily so his aunts and cousins had me take shots with them. I unfortunately blacked out and so did he so I don't remember what was said. I however in my blacked out state had called my mom crying and told her to come get me. She could hear him screaming and yelling in the background, and he had ended up getting kicked out by his family. My mom had heard the things he said to me and instantly thought he was physically hurting me. She said no one can get that angry and not release it somehow. I ended up forgiving him because he had no recollection of what happened, and to be honest I loved him. I still do. He was drinking less after that and things were good. We'd still spend every night after work together. In February he had wanted to start music, and told me that he would need some nights to focus on that and I never made it an issue. That ended up falling through because he got the studio dates wrong and that was kind of the start of everything going downhill. He started saying things like the devil always take good things from him, and how he can never be happy. He started being weird after that day and I asked him what was up. He said he needed to lock in and figure out what he was going to do with his life. He also said that he knew I was a good person with a big heart and that makes him nervous because he feels as if he's the opposite. He stated that I was too good for him and wondered what I was doing with him. He also said that theres another side to him that I haven't seen and that makes him nervous.

After this conversation we agreed to still see each other however it couldn't be as often because he needed to figure his stuff out. That was the beginning of march. Since then, things were decent but I noticed slight changes in communication. I'd also notice slight changes in his mood when I saw him and it made me feel as though he didn't want to see me. He'd resolve this by saying if he didn't want to see me he'd say that. But I don't know, my body just felt otherwise. That would sometimes make it difficult for me to show affection because I wasn't sure about how'd he receive it, and I dont know how to explain it. I guess I have seen so many instances of him being drunk and aggressive I started to feel reserved around him even when he was sober. And he could be so sweet sober. During all this time I also like to mention he'd oscillate from wanting to not be alive anymore to saying he is Gods Disciple and unkillable. There were countless 2am phone conversations where he'd be so low. But then I'd see him the next day and he'd be saying how lucky I was to have him. And that God took his time with him. Whenever I got upset during our predicaments he'd say he knows he's messed up and he wishes I could look into his brain. He has said that he knows i am a good person with a good heart and that scares him.

A couple weeks ago I saw him for what I didn't know was the final time. I had come over and he was in the shower. When he had came down the stairs he gave me a kiss and then sat on a different couch as me. I could tell his mood was off and I saw three quarters of a titos bottle already empty, and I just had a feeling that night wasn't going to be the best. I had finished the paper I was working on while he was in the shower and I guess since I hadn't greeted him the way he hoped he said I wasn't affectionate. I asked him how so and he said that he shouldn't have to tell me as a women how to treat a man. I tried to explain to him that sometimes his moods would be uninviting and that I didn't want to bombard him with affection especially if I wasn't sure how he'd take it. He said then that maybe I shouldnt be with him and that maybe he deserves to be alone. He also said in the same conversation that he doesnt like how much i like him and that me wanting to see him all the time annoyed him. He then said I was too emotional and he feels like he can't talk to me. I didn't mean to cry, I guess I was just caught off guard and hurt by what he was saying. I tried apologizing but he wasn't having it, and said that its ridiculous that as a 24 year old i can't show affection. I asked him if we were done because to be honest the push and pull was having a toll on me. He said he didn't know if he can be in a relationship right now. We ended up going to bed and he cuddled me. We woke up and he was sober, he said that he doesnt know where he's going to live and that he hates the routine he's in. He said he wanted to be real with me and that his life is about to change. He ended up walking me to my car and gave me a kiss goodbye. He had sent a text saying how he cares for me and he appreciates everything I have done for him. He's just in a weird spot right now. He was texting me normal for a few days after that then just literally ghosted me. I have never been so hurt in my life and I feel like my head is spinning. I am on this forum because I saw a therapist and he said he believed my bf had bpd.

I would also like to add that he has said in the past that he's insecure and sometimes starts fights to see if i care. He would also say how everyone ends up leaving him and it's only a matter of time before I do it too. There was an event weeks ago where his sister called me to pick him up at 2am because he was drunk and so aggressive the lyft driver wouldn't take him. I ended up showing up right after he had punched a random vehicles window out (we were in a parking garage) and his hand was split open. His sister had left after I showed up because she was upset and overwhelmed, which left only him and I. I remember trying to get him in my car and he kept repeating how I don't tell him what to do and he had gotten nose to nose with me at one point. Then when I finally convinced him to get in the car, he was still essentially cussing me out. I tried to quell it and i dont remember exactly what was said to prompt him to do this but he yanked the steering wheel in midst of me driving. He ended up punching a hole in his wall that night and crying in my lap about how sorry he was. He woke up the next morning not remembering a thing. I don't know why I didn't tell him then what had happened, but i didn't.

I just feel so lost and hurt. I called off work for 3 days because I keep thinking about how easy it was for him to do that to me. I keep repeating to myself if I had only been more affectionate maybe that could have made him stay, if i had only had more patience with him or been more understanding. I do love him so much. Its been a couple weeks since I have seen him and I feel like my world is ending. He set the standard of seeing eachother frequently and even made jokes how it was mandatory and now he's making it seem like hes smothered. I am sorry this is long but I came here to maybe feel some sort of relief from the torturous rumination that has been happening in my mind 24/7.

[Imsosad101]

Hi,

I am a 24 year old woman, and I recently graduated college. I knew of a guy in high school (he went to a different one, and we both graduated 2018). We had never talked because I had always assumed he had an array of women to choose from. He is a really attractive guy. I remember I had even tried to message him in high school and he would brush me off. Fast forward to october 2023, I had forgotten all about him until I received a follow on social media. I was surprised it was him and I ended up messaging him. We started texting and then phone calls/ facetimes and this is where I guess I noticed things that just seemed a bit off. One the phone he'd talk for hours and I barely got a word in, I didn't mind though because I felt as if maybe he just needed someone to listen. He would tell me things such as he loves to hear himself speak and opened up really fast about his traumas. He had told me that he had usually never opened up to anyone so fast like the way he was doing to me. I will admit, I felt special but I also felt bad. The things he shared with me were awful, and he ended up having an incident to where he gotten shot multiple times after a fight with another guy at the end of 2022. He was diagnosed with PTSD. It took him a few months to walk again and recover fully but he was able to get back on his feet. He had made it a point to tell me he was a man of God and I admired his resilience. He had his own apartment, car and a stable job. Outside looking in, he was doing well for himself.

Over the next few months we spent everyday together, and I slept over at his every night. I don't think I slept in my own bed for at least 4 months. We'd text all day and then after work we'd see each other. We would play board games, drink wine, find shows, have deep talks. He said he'd never met anyone like me, and that he was used to toxicity but I was his peace. I had noticed his drinking around month 2. I had noticed little things like his eyes glossing or he'd stumble a bit if he got up. It was minimal but I noted it. I'd find random empty bottles hidden around, and I knew he was most likely drinking on a daily basis. There were instances where he'd be belligerent by the time I would even get there and I'd spend the time taking care of him. During these drunken states, he would talk about the shooting and how no one was there for him during his recovery process. He would often get really angry during these states and would punch or throw things surrounding him, but then start crying really hard once he calmed down. I would try my best to comfort him and that would result in him crying himself to sleep. I could never tell if he remembered anything once he was sober in the morning so I'd rarely discussed it with him. He'd just apologize for getting too drunk and we'd resume our routine.

Until about new years. He had taken me to meet his family and everything was nice at the start. His family drinks heavily so his aunts and cousins had me take shots with them. I unfortunately blacked out and so did he so I don't remember what was said. I however in my blacked out state had called my mom crying and told her to come get me. She could hear him screaming and yelling in the background, and he had ended up getting kicked out by his family. My mom had heard the things he said to me and instantly thought he was physically hurting me. She said no one can get that angry and not release it somehow. I ended up forgiving him because he had no recollection of what happened, and to be honest I loved him. I still do. He was drinking less after that and things were good. We'd still spend every night after work together. In February he had wanted to start music, and told me that he would need some nights to focus on that and I never made it an issue. That ended up falling through because he got the studio dates wrong and that was kind of the start of everything going downhill. He started saying things like the devil always take good things from him, and how he can never be happy. He started being weird after that day and I asked him what was up. He said he needed to lock in and figure out what he was going to do with his life. He also said that he knew I was a good person with a big heart and that makes him nervous because he feels as if he's the opposite. He stated that I was too good for him and wondered what I was doing with him. He also said that theres another side to him that I haven't seen and that makes him nervous.

After this conversation we agreed to still see each other however it couldn't be as often because he needed to figure his stuff out. That was the beginning of march. Since then, things were decent but I noticed slight changes in communication. I'd also notice slight changes in his mood when I saw him and it made me feel as though he didn't want to see me. He'd resolve this by saying if he didn't want to see me he'd say that. But I don't know, my body just felt otherwise. That would sometimes make it difficult for me to show affection because I wasn't sure about how'd he receive it, and I dont know how to explain it. I guess I have seen so many instances of him being drunk and aggressive I started to feel reserved around him even when he was sober. And he could be so sweet sober. During all this time I also like to mention he'd oscillate from wanting to not be alive anymore to saying he is Gods Disciple and unkillable. There were countless 2am phone conversations where he'd be so low. But then I'd see him the next day and he'd be saying how lucky I was to have him. And that God took his time with him. Whenever I got upset during our predicaments he'd say he knows he's messed up and he wishes I could look into his brain. He has said that he knows i am a good person with a good heart and that scares him.

A couple weeks ago I saw him for what I didn't know was the final time. I had come over and he was in the shower. When he had came down the stairs he gave me a kiss and then sat on a different couch as me. I could tell his mood was off and I saw three quarters of a titos bottle already empty, and I just had a feeling that night wasn't going to be the best. I had finished the paper I was working on while he was in the shower and I guess since I hadn't greeted him the way he hoped he said I wasn't affectionate. I asked him how so and he said that he shouldn't have to tell me as a women how to treat a man. I tried to explain to him that sometimes his moods would be uninviting and that I didn't want to bombard him with affection especially if I wasn't sure how he'd take it. He said then that maybe I shouldnt be with him and that maybe he deserves to be alone. He also said in the same conversation that he doesnt like how much i like him and that me wanting to see him all the time annoyed him. He then said I was too emotional and he feels like he can't talk to me. I didn't mean to cry, I guess I was just caught off guard and hurt by what he was saying. I tried apologizing but he wasn't having it, and said that its ridiculous that as a 24 year old i can't show affection. I asked him if we were done because to be honest the push and pull was having a toll on me. He said he didn't know if he can be in a relationship right now. We ended up going to bed and he cuddled me. We woke up and he was sober, he said that he doesnt know where he's going to live and that he hates the routine he's in. He said he wanted to be real with me and that his life is about to change. He ended up walking me to my car and gave me a kiss goodbye. He had sent a text saying how he cares for me and he appreciates everything I have done for him. He's just in a weird spot right now. He was texting me normal for a few days after that then just literally ghosted me. I have never been so hurt in my life and I feel like my head is spinning. I am on this forum because I saw a therapist and he said he believed my bf had bpd.

I would also like to add that he has said in the past that he's insecure and sometimes starts fights to see if i care. He would also say how everyone ends up leaving him and it's only a matter of time before I do it too. There was an event weeks ago where his sister called me to pick him up at 2am because he was drunk and so aggressive the lyft driver wouldn't take him. I ended up showing up right after he had punched a random vehicles window out (we were in a parking garage) and his hand was split open. His sister had left after I showed up because she was upset and overwhelmed, which left only him and I. I remember trying to get him in my car and he kept repeating how I don't tell him what to do and he had gotten nose to nose with me at one point. Then when I finally convinced him to get in the car, he was still essentially cussing me out. I tried to quell it and i dont remember exactly what was said to prompt him to do this but he yanked the steering wheel in midst of me driving. He ended up punching a hole in his wall that night and crying in my lap about how sorry he was. He woke up the next morning not remembering a thing. I don't know why I didn't tell him then what had happened, but i didn't.

I just feel so lost and hurt. I called off work for 3 days because I keep thinking about how easy it was for him to do that to me. I keep repeating to myself if I had only been more affectionate maybe that could have made him stay, if i had only had more patience with him or been more understanding. I do love him so much. Its been a couple weeks since I have seen him and I feel like my world is ending. He set the standard of seeing eachother frequently and even made jokes how it was mandatory and now he's making it seem like hes smothered. I am sorry this is long but I came here to maybe feel some sort of relief from the torturous rumination that has been happening in my mind 24/7.

[tina7868]

Hello, and welcome to the forum. You have been through a lot. I`m sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing your story with us. A lot of us here have experienced similar situations. We `get it`, and hope to support you. You are not alone.

I just feel so lost and hurt. I called off work for 3 days because I keep thinking about how easy it was for him to do that to me. I keep repeating to myself if I had only been more affectionate maybe that could have made him stay, if i had only had more patience with him or been more understanding. I do love him so much. Its been a couple weeks since I have seen him and I feel like my world is ending. He set the standard of seeing eachother frequently and even made jokes how it was mandatory and now he's making it seem like hes smothered. I am sorry this is long but I came here to maybe feel some sort of relief from the torturous rumination that has been happening in my mind 24/7.

It sounds like there were many ups and downs in the relationship, and conflicting signals. He wanted to be close to you, but on his terms. You tried to accomodate him to the best of your abilities. I urge you not to blame yourself. Ultimately, it was out of your control. His own life experiences and inner emotional conflicts are at play, and they also explain how his reaction may appear non chalant.

I know it`s hard. It sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction in seeing a therapist and posting here. Be kind, patient and gentle with yourself. You will come out on the other side of this with new strength and growth.

How has therapy been going? How has your day-to-day been?