she devalued me quick

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi

Broke up with my exBPDgf three weeks ago.  I'll start from the beginning.  We used to work together for about 5 years.  She always had a thing for me, I was into her to but was married at the time.  We always hung out at work and flirted.  I know that sounds bad on my part but it was pretty harmless.  I could have let things go farther but I knew where to draw the line.  Fast forward a little she ended up getting involved with another co worker after years of trying to getat me.  Her and I both eventually quit that job but stayed in contact through Facebook.  Nothing romantic just the occasional hey how are ya. She ended up getting pregnant and engaged to the guy she was with from where we worked.  Fast forward a year and a half later, she decides to break off the engagement.  7 months after she broke off the engagement she found out I was divorced and contacted me on Facebook.  I looked at it as a great opportnity,  always liked her and now were both available.  Things moved fast, she was ready to seep with me the first night we got together.  I didn't think much of it because I knew she was always intome, and she told me she finally had her chance with me.  After a week we make our relationship official.  I knew she had been involved with a few guys since she broke off the engagement but a didn't think much of it.  She told me about her BPD but I didn't know much about it.  I read up on it and got a little worried but thought I could handle it.  Here is where things moved real fast. She had a falling out with her roommate and couldn't stay  there 

any longer.  Doing all I could to help a let her and her 19 month old son move in with me. Things were OK the first week of living together but I did notice some mood swings.   I figured it was the recent move and her just starting debt therapy that was stressing her out.  Then one night her son gets sick and she said he was asking for his dad so she took him to see him and said she wasn't sure what time she would  be back. Later I get a text saying she didn't want to put her problems on me and basically said she was going to work things out with her ex. I basically told her that she screwed me over and didn't want to talk to her again.  She seemed OK with that but the next morning she came over and apologized and said she wanted to work things out with me.  I was like what the heck.  I took her back but told her if it happened again I was done. Things from then on were not so good.  She didn't rage at me but constantly had an attitude and withdrew sex, not completely but it was much less frequent.  I was starting to see the other side of her.  She just seemed withdrawn and cold towards me, but expressed that she lo ved me and that she was having a hard time with coping with her  dii sorder.  It also didn't help that every time she dropped her son of at her exes her ex would beg her to come back to him. She said it drove her nuts and pissed her off. By this point  I was stressed and told her I was. I didn't know how much more I could take.  Two weeks later she tells me she isn't sure about our relationship. I  told her to sleep on it, so the next day she said she felt better and wanted to stay together. I was happy she wanted to stay but didn't know what to expect next. Two days later she comes to me again saying she again isn't sure about our relationship and says she feels like she needs space so she can focus on herself and her son.  That night her son was with her ex, and she said she was going to stay at her girlfriends. I told her to text when sheet got there. She didn't know I would be waiting for her there. When she never showed up I called her on it. Turns out she stayed with her ex. I told her I wanted her out of my house by the weekend. According to her she wasn't doing anything wrong but agreed to move out.  She told me she was moving in with her dad so she could focus on herself and therapy. That was a lie, she moved back in with her ex. We split on good terms both wishing each other well. But after I found out she moved in with her ex I sent her a text asking why she lied. I got a response back from her ex explain that she didn't want to be bothered and is moving on with her life. He also told me a restraining order would be filed if I bothered them again. what the heck this coming from the guy who harassed her with texts and phone calls the whole time we were together. OK now for my questions.  Why did she start to devalue me after three weeks? I was the guy she had been after for years. Why did she go back to her ex when she claimed she couldn't stand him? I know he is the father of her son but she tried going back to him twice since she broke off the engagement and told me it couldn't work. And why did she lie about moving in with her dad, our relationship was over she could have told me the truth. I know I was only with her for two months but I really cared about her.  It broke my heart that she lied to me.  I miss her but I also know she is not well.  She put me through a lot in two months, its been hard on me.

Thanks for reading

[heyhey]

Hi

Broke up with my exBPDgf three weeks ago.  I'll start from the beginning.  We used to work together for about 5 years.  She always had a thing for me, I was into her to but was married at the time.  We always hung out at work and flirted.  I know that sounds bad on my part but it was pretty harmless.  I could have let things go farther but I knew where to draw the line.  Fast forward a little she ended up getting involved with another co worker after years of trying to getat me.  Her and I both eventually quit that job but stayed in contact through Facebook.  Nothing romantic just the occasional hey how are ya. She ended up getting pregnant and engaged to the guy she was with from where we worked.  Fast forward a year and a half later, she decides to break off the engagement.  7 months after she broke off the engagement she found out I was divorced and contacted me on Facebook.  I looked at it as a great opportnity,  always liked her and now were both available.  Things moved fast, she was ready to seep with me the first night we got together.  I didn't think much of it because I knew she was always intome, and she told me she finally had her chance with me.  After a week we make our relationship official.  I knew she had been involved with a few guys since she broke off the engagement but a didn't think much of it.  She told me about her BPD but I didn't know much about it.  I read up on it and got a little worried but thought I could handle it.  Here is where things moved real fast. She had a falling out with her roommate and couldn't stay  there 

any longer.  Doing all I could to help a let her and her 19 month old son move in with me. Things were OK the first week of living together but I did notice some mood swings.   I figured it was the recent move and her just starting debt therapy that was stressing her out.  Then one night her son gets sick and she said he was asking for his dad so she took him to see him and said she wasn't sure what time she would  be back. Later I get a text saying she didn't want to put her problems on me and basically said she was going to work things out with her ex. I basically told her that she screwed me over and didn't want to talk to her again.  She seemed OK with that but the next morning she came over and apologized and said she wanted to work things out with me.  I was like what the heck.  I took her back but told her if it happened again I was done. Things from then on were not so good.  She didn't rage at me but constantly had an attitude and withdrew sex, not completely but it was much less frequent.  I was starting to see the other side of her.  She just seemed withdrawn and cold towards me, but expressed that she lo ved me and that she was having a hard time with coping with her  dii sorder.  It also didn't help that every time she dropped her son of at her exes her ex would beg her to come back to him. She said it drove her nuts and pissed her off. By this point  I was stressed and told her I was. I didn't know how much more I could take.  Two weeks later she tells me she isn't sure about our relationship. I  told her to sleep on it, so the next day she said she felt better and wanted to stay together. I was happy she wanted to stay but didn't know what to expect next. Two days later she comes to me again saying she again isn't sure about our relationship and says she feels like she needs space so she can focus on herself and her son.  That night her son was with her ex, and she said she was going to stay at her girlfriends. I told her to text when sheet got there. She didn't know I would be waiting for her there. When she never showed up I called her on it. Turns out she stayed with her ex. I told her I wanted her out of my house by the weekend. According to her she wasn't doing anything wrong but agreed to move out.  She told me she was moving in with her dad so she could focus on herself and therapy. That was a lie, she moved back in with her ex. We split on good terms both wishing each other well. But after I found out she moved in with her ex I sent her a text asking why she lied. I got a response back from her ex explain that she didn't want to be bothered and is moving on with her life. He also told me a restraining order would be filed if I bothered them again. what the heck this coming from the guy who harassed her with texts and phone calls the whole time we were together. OK now for my questions.  Why did she start to devalue me after three weeks? I was the guy she had been after for years. Why did she go back to her ex when she claimed she couldn't stand him? I know he is the father of her son but she tried going back to him twice since she broke off the engagement and told me it couldn't work. And why did she lie about moving in with her dad, our relationship was over she could have told me the truth. I know I was only with her for two months but I really cared about her.  It broke my heart that she lied to me.  I miss her but I also know she is not well.  She put me through a lot in two months, its been hard on me.

Thanks for reading

[sad but wiser]

Hi Matt, Yeah, this stuff hurts like fire, doesn't it?  Why does she lie?  It is part of the recycling thing.  They want to have someone on the back-burner so they can go back to that person if the other relationship doesn't work out. (and it won't)  Why did she devalue you so quickly?  So she could recycle her ex.  Is this your fault?  H--- no.  Kudos to you for recognizing the weird behavior so quickly, it shows that your self-esteem isn't totally crushed yet.

[heyhey]

To be honest I am crushed. This is a girl who I knew for years.  She was always good to me when we were friends. I know things change once a relationship begins but I had high hopes for us. I always had feelings for her and I knew she liked me too.  I know she isn't well but it still baffles me, I thought I knew her.  And why did she want to recycle her ex, she had already tried before and it didn't work. I was good to her real good. I know her ex was too she told me. She just said she wasn't attracted to him anymore, I guess she is now. I know you really can't make sense of a bordelines actions but I still try.

[sad but wiser]

I hear you, Matt.  That is the hardest part about this whole thing - the need to make sense out of it and have closure or something.  For me, it is like dealing with two different people - the one I can relate to and the crazy one... .    I'm sorry this has crushed you so.  I think letting go of what we thought we had is terrible.

[heyhey]

A few of out last texts to each other

Me: I'm not gonna lie this break up hurts bad

Her: I know . Its for the best

Me: I just want you to know how much you meant to me

Her: I know. Believe me I'm thankful for you


Thankful for what? Me putting my heart and soul into a doomed relationship.  I dont understand what she meant by that.

[wanttoknowmore]

Matt81,

I would like you to know that it's not your fault ,though it might create self doubt in you. This is pwBPD mind ,this is how it works. Its called splitting. You are the greatest suddenly switching to you are trash.

Interestingly, the words pwBPD use are so similar. Look at my sample:

Me: "how can you suddenly destroy our frienship. I canot do it this fast."

She: "I need to move on... I have to... You can do it too."

Me: "But, I still love you"

She: "Yes... I know... our r/s was very beautifull ... but I have to move on. Try not to contact me ever again otherwise I wont be able to move on."

What the heck... this is the person who sweared to stay friends forever... until her last breath... .  only 3 days before this text communication.  Isn't it weird?

[heyhey]

Wanttoknowmore did she ever contact you again?

[jj2121]

A few of out last texts to each other

Me: I'm not gonna lie this break up hurts bad

Her: I know . Its for the best

Me: I just want you to know how much you meant to me

Her: I know. Believe me I'm thankful for you


Thankful for what? Me putting my heart and soul into a doomed relationship.  I dont understand what she meant by that.

Same thing happened to me overnight. Mine did keep contacting me for months playing the victim,I kept replying and thought I was helping her,but I only ended up hurting more. It has nothing to do with you, I think sometimes you have to leave it and they need to realise on their own that they need help,sadly a lot of people never will. My ex told me to move on, but clearly still wanted me in her life to talk about stuff which I feel was exaggerated,also said I can stay a her house when she moved. I eventually got annoyed and said it was ridiculous and crazy. You have to decide for yourself what you want to do,it still hurts me because she was a really nice person, until her emotions were disrupted by constant family issues. I decided I needed to live my own life,I still care about her a lot though.

[wanttoknowmore]

Matt81,

This is our first major break up in 2 years.  She went silent for a few days. Then, in response to my texts ,she shot many angry texts and demanded that I not text her as she is very tired of everythiing and wants to be left alone. I stopped contact for a few days. Then,I texted her to know how she was? She texted "am OK" and nothing else. Then, to next text, she replied furiously" I am very very tired... let me have peace... dont bother me... I am very tired of everything... .  just kill me so I can have some peace." SHE IS STILL DYSREGULATED(4 weeks) She called and was crying, yelling,screaming and then hung up.This is very unusual for a woman like her who have been very polite, loving and caring. Totally opposite of how she was a month ago. Her facebook activity is zero, another unusual thing for her.

She has not blocked me. Our picture remains as it is.I decided to not contact her anymore for a long time. I think trying to contact during dysregulated phase leads to more trouble.

[grad]

These early push-pull tactics by pwBPD are used to see if you will not abandon them.  It probably occurs earlier in r/s where the buildup/courtship/flirting was over a sustained period of time because a pwBPD typically fantasizes about others while "bored" in the current r/s.  This pseudo-attachment is what drives their fear and if you let go without much of a fight to save the r/s, if you don't say or do the right things, they will end the r/s before they feel you will eventually abandon them.

Trust me, these ppl know their patterns and destructive behaviors and don't feel that they're worthy anyways, so they won't allow themselves to develop the love they desire until you show you are committed.  Then comes the tricky part, if you're too much of a pushover or become too complacent with them they feel something is wrong and find ways to try self-destruct the r/s anyway.  It truly is a double-edged sword and it takes the right person to "control" their behavior.

I personally was devalued about 1 month into our r/s (and 8 months of flirting) after not validating her emotions one night to show some acquaintances that "we were in love."  2 weeks later she had become emotionally attached to someone else and left me for him although he was lingering the entire time