Old habits die hard

[pessim-optimist]

We have had a broken light in our bathroom for over a week now as our landlord is currently unavailable. It's no big trouble, we put a nice and cozy lamp in there for now. But I still catch myself flipping the light switch on when I enter the bathroom - even though I KNOW the light is broken.

Our brain is such a complicated organ and does many learned things automatically and very fast. To unlearn a habit takes time.

Now, my "problem" with the light-switch is really not a problem. It reminded me of something, though:

We talk here about the intermittent reinforcement, and how it's such a setup for ensuring that unwanted behavior will continue.

We also talk about the extinction burst, and how before it gets better, the unwanted behaviors often intensify in force and frequency. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.msg844074#msg844074

We hear here sometimes, that it took years to form those faulty BPD behaviors, and it will take some time to unlearn those and learn different ones instead. Our kids w/BPD will keep "flipping that switch" for a while too, until their brain registers the changes and adjusts.

I thought this might be a good example and a reminder to us that when we change our approach, it may take a while for us to see any real changes.

Wishing you all a good weekend!  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Joey2008]

Thank you for posting this. I just wrote a post about how hard I'm finding it to incorporate DBT principles in my behavior with my daughter. Whether it's "old habits die hard" or "teaching old dogs (that would be me) new tricks," it's hard. When I don't do well in my conversations with my daughter, I will try to picture myself flipping that "switch to nowhere." It's a great mental image and a little humor goes a long way. Take care!

[jellibeans]

pessim

another example is wearing your watch on the opposite wrist... .I am really trying hard to use the DBT skills I have been learning but you are right it does take time for the skills to become natural. My dd17 was caught in a lie last night and refused drug testing... .tonight she came down stairs and had peirced her nose all by herself. This is about the 10th time she has done this. The peircing usually gets infected and she takes it out... .I wonder how long this one will last. Never a dull moment at my house and my weekend is not over yet.

[pessim-optimist]

I just wrote a post about how hard I'm finding it to incorporate DBT principles in my behavior with my daughter. Whether it's "old habits die hard" or "teaching old dogs (that would be me) new tricks," it's hard.

It IS! A bit of good news though: our brains CAN learn and be rewired even in old age!

A friend of mine was told by his psychologist that it takes about 6 months of consistent practice for a certain re-wire to become "hardwired" in the brain.

another example is wearing your watch on the opposite wrist... .I am really trying hard to use the DBT skills I have been learning but you are right it does take time for the skills to become natural.

Gosh, witnessing the repeated piercings would be frustrating... .

So, how has your class been going? Is there anything helpful that you have learned that can be applied to this latest situation?

[jellibeans]

The class is going well... .I think I have already used some of the skills. Like acting the opposite way to how I am feeling... .instead of being agitated and angry... .I get still and quiet. Giving me some time to think about what is going on. That is one skill I find very useful.

Validating... .at times I have walked away from my dd and I didn't realize how that was invalidating to her... .I just wanted to take a time out and let things cool down but I think I was just not doing that right... (if there is such a thing) So when I need time to think I tell her that I am having ahrd time controling my emotions and I need 10 minutes to myself... .focusing on what I need rather than being judgemental and pointing out she also is getting too emotional.

I have stopped being shocked by my dd peircings... .if I gnore it she usually takes it out within a short time. Do you think this is another form of self harm? HEr ears are heavily peirced too. Too many to count on the one ear. She can take them out one day and they will fade. Now tattoos are a whole other problem. I am hoping I can discourage that for some time.

I am trying to be less judgemental... .take the middle path... .not focus on being right. I try to aproach problems together with my dd and try to resolved them. Reading Porr's book really helps me a lot. If I just sit with it even 10 minutes a day and go over one section at a time.

[Elbry]

Thank-you for posting this!  It is a great example and it made me think.

I have taken DBT myself 2.5 times, I didn't complete the third time.  Like you Jellibeans, I find acting the opposite very effective and helpful for me.  Interpersonal Relationship things are hard to use with my DD, she is in DBT right now and she usually picks up on what I am doing and says "don't use DBT on me!"  Or if I mention wise mind or something, forget about it!  I guess one bright side is she IS learning it at least enough to recognize it even if she isn't actively using it as much as we would like her to.

She also has a lot of piercings.  She does them herself and I have set some hard limits that so far she has respected, like no tongue because the risk of bleeding and infection is high.  She has pierced her lip in 3 places, her nose multiple times (it falls out and heals up, or gets infected or she gets tired of it so it ends up being done in the same spot over again), her ears have multiple.  She also enjoys piercing other people which I have forbidden. 

I have 2 adult friends with BPD that I met in DBT group and they love to get piercings and tattoos, especially when they have the urge to self harm.  One of them says it is a safe and acceptable way for her to experience pain and bleeding, for her it is very much satisfies to some degree her self harm urges.  It also does for my other friend, when things get really bad, she will say " I REALLY need to get a tattoo".  And it brings her relief.   

[MomWendy]

Thank you, that light switch example is very good!

[theplotthickens]

The "extinction burst" is a very helpful term!  That will help us hang on instead of giving up when the behavior escalates.   These types of practical things keep me energized to keep on keeping on.  Thanks for sharing!

[pessim-optimist]

Hello MomWendy, 

Glad it helps! Welcome to the Parenting board!

The class is going well... .I think I have already used some of the skills. Like acting the opposite way

Thank you, that's a really good one even though it's so hard to do sometimes!

It helps in regular life too: I had a similar situation recently at work, after I had to reprimand an employee. I felt very unpleasant afterward even though I did it well and professionally. I did not want to be around the girl and had unpleasant feelings. I remembered the advice from the Boundaries book that after we are through asserting a limit, we need to proceed normally and treat the person with kindness and courtesy, as if nothing happened. That literally forced me to act "opposite" to what I felt.

I consciously switched gears and very soon the atmosphere AND my feelings were much better.

Validating... .at times I have walked away from my dd and I didn't realize how that was invalidating to her... .I just wanted to take a time out and let things cool down but I think I was just not doing that right... (if there is such a thing) So when I need time to think I tell her that I am having ahrd time controling my emotions and I need 10 minutes to myself... .focusing on what I need rather than being judgemental and pointing out she also is getting too emotional.

Hm... .I would feel rejected if someone just walked away from me. Actually, it would probably make me angry too, and hurt for being dismissed, not worthy and answer.

I think your new approach is very good! You explain what's going on, and why you are leaving - no harm done to dd.

I have stopped being shocked by my dd peircings... .if I gnore it she usually takes it out within a short time. Do you think this is another form of self harm? HEr ears are heavily peirced too. Too many to count on the one ear. She can take them out one day and they will fade. Now tattoos are a whole other problem. I am hoping I can discourage that for some time.

I am trying to be less judgemental... .take the middle path... .not focus on being right. I try to aproach problems together with my dd and try to resolved them. Reading Porr's book really helps me a lot. If I just sit with it even 10 minutes a day and go over one section at a time.

  All good stuff jellibeans.

I have 2 adult friends with BPD that I met in DBT group and they love to get piercings and tattoos, especially when they have the urge to self harm.  One of them says it is a safe and acceptable way for her to experience pain and bleeding, for her it is very much satisfies to some degree her self harm urges.  It also does for my other friend, when things get really bad, she will say " I REALLY need to get a tattoo".  And it brings her relief.

I have heard of this before, and believe it. I personally do not like tattoos and piercings, but I think if my SD chose that as a safe way to cope w/her self-harm urges, I'd be supportive.