Postmortem: Long Distance Relationship with pwNPD/BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

To help myself in healing and clear the FOG, i have been indulging into analytical Q&A with myself. By researching more about this disorder (NPD/BPD) and posting here, i could make sense of some stuff and the reasons behind the occurence of such behavior/actions from my exbf or from my end.

I could not find much about one particular thing online - Long distance relationships (LDR) with NPD/BPD.

My exbf i believe is suffering NPD and good deal of BPD too. We had a LDR for about 1.5 yrs wherein we met once every 2 months considering the cost involved, the lack of time (i was mostly travelling for work), and the work (i could not relocate to where he was).

A brief background: I met this person during his visit to 'train me on job' at my workplace - we were from the same team but he worked from UK and i from the US. We lived in difference countries, but are born and raised in the same country (India). Hence, the arranged marriage does NOT shock but what spins my head is that he married this new girl he met 4 1/2 months after he broke up with me.

Postmortem case: He said 'I Love you' within 3 days after ONLY one drunk-crazy night we had when we got a bit physical and he kept saying "you are driving me crazy" and wept when he had to leave and return to UK after 5 hours. He was calling me his gf within a week. I liked him too but it was not LOVE. Do not know how exactly but i jumped into this r/s with him, and was his gf within a week or so.  He constantly called me & texted me several times a day, email me (his pics). Every night after work we skyped. He proposed marriage to me within 2 months into the r/s. But i said i was not ready for it, and he said take your time but the respose should be positive. 4 months after his this and him bringing the marriage topic tima and again - i considered and i accepted his proposal. He was a 'romantic' (on calls) and 'erotic' on the webchats (videos) but in person he never could match up what he used to speak. The first few times we visited each other his 'idea of romance' (i think) were dinners, lunches outside him or go out drinking and partying (3 times in 1.5 yrs). But when we are alone at home there was NO ROMANCE - no cuddling, no breakfasts in bed, no dancing to music (all that he would say he likes over the phone). The only things we did when we were at home was - cook, do the dishes, watch movies together, lunch, drink almost everyday in the evening, and sleep.

Even the sex wasn't that great. We would see eachother only ones in 2-3 months most times me flying to him to London for 2 weeks trip. What i noticed is that he would not make love when sober, and it was only once or may be max. twice in the 2 week trip - mostly on the day i reach and couple of days before i left. The most striking thing is he would say that sex was not in top 5 on the list in a r/s and said i had a bigger sexual appetite because i was young (26yrs) and he was 32 yrs old. He was so moody that i was always scared to initiate it with him, hence it was always him to take control. He was angry in bed too, if i said anything funny or 'did something' that snapped him he would just get up and leave. It was so humiliting for me - as i he would leave me at such awkward time (when we were in middle of it). I had suppressed my desires too, and was always scared in being  open about anything to him. On time in my last trip we made out but he left immediately to his room after that. When asked the next morning about this he said "You forced me to sleep with you in your bed when i was not interested at all". Slowly towards the end of devaluation phase he refrained from sex as he said he was not in mood. It was like a slap on my face, and to my ego, my wants/desires. He would no longer hold hands when we were out, he wouldn't talk at all and would expect me to talk all the time. He was always in this grumpy mood, and he would errupt like a volcano if i asked him why he was behaving like this to me.

For 6 months i was treated like trash - just because i called off the wedding after a night that involved argument and abuse (verbal/physical). After which we did decided we will first resolve the issues before taking any serious decision. Since that day onwards he never spoke about engagement or marriage to me. I thought he was focusing on the issues but it never looked to me that he really 'worked' on them. He continued to yell at me, blame me until one night on my trip to see him, he discarded me so badly without any mercy. He did not even come to see me off at the airport. He just gave me hug and shut the door behind me as soon as i walked out of his door.

I had read somwhere that in LDR pwNPD/BPD can 'talk the talk' but cannot 'walk the walk'.

My friends - Can you help me comprehend this? Thank you for reading this lengthy post!

[crystalclear]

To help myself in healing and clear the FOG, i have been indulging into analytical Q&A with myself. By researching more about this disorder (NPD/BPD) and posting here, i could make sense of some stuff and the reasons behind the occurence of such behavior/actions from my exbf or from my end.

I could not find much about one particular thing online - Long distance relationships (LDR) with NPD/BPD.

My exbf i believe is suffering NPD and good deal of BPD too. We had a LDR for about 1.5 yrs wherein we met once every 2 months considering the cost involved, the lack of time (i was mostly travelling for work), and the work (i could not relocate to where he was).

A brief background: I met this person during his visit to 'train me on job' at my workplace - we were from the same team but he worked from UK and i from the US. We lived in difference countries, but are born and raised in the same country (India). Hence, the arranged marriage does NOT shock but what spins my head is that he married this new girl he met 4 1/2 months after he broke up with me.

Postmortem case: He said 'I Love you' within 3 days after ONLY one drunk-crazy night we had when we got a bit physical and he kept saying "you are driving me crazy" and wept when he had to leave and return to UK after 5 hours. He was calling me his gf within a week. I liked him too but it was not LOVE. Do not know how exactly but i jumped into this r/s with him, and was his gf within a week or so.  He constantly called me & texted me several times a day, email me (his pics). Every night after work we skyped. He proposed marriage to me within 2 months into the r/s. But i said i was not ready for it, and he said take your time but the respose should be positive. 4 months after his this and him bringing the marriage topic tima and again - i considered and i accepted his proposal. He was a 'romantic' (on calls) and 'erotic' on the webchats (videos) but in person he never could match up what he used to speak. The first few times we visited each other his 'idea of romance' (i think) were dinners, lunches outside him or go out drinking and partying (3 times in 1.5 yrs). But when we are alone at home there was NO ROMANCE - no cuddling, no breakfasts in bed, no dancing to music (all that he would say he likes over the phone). The only things we did when we were at home was - cook, do the dishes, watch movies together, lunch, drink almost everyday in the evening, and sleep.

Even the sex wasn't that great. We would see eachother only ones in 2-3 months most times me flying to him to London for 2 weeks trip. What i noticed is that he would not make love when sober, and it was only once or may be max. twice in the 2 week trip - mostly on the day i reach and couple of days before i left. The most striking thing is he would say that sex was not in top 5 on the list in a r/s and said i had a bigger sexual appetite because i was young (26yrs) and he was 32 yrs old. He was so moody that i was always scared to initiate it with him, hence it was always him to take control. He was angry in bed too, if i said anything funny or 'did something' that snapped him he would just get up and leave. It was so humiliting for me - as i he would leave me at such awkward time (when we were in middle of it). I had suppressed my desires too, and was always scared in being  open about anything to him. On time in my last trip we made out but he left immediately to his room after that. When asked the next morning about this he said "You forced me to sleep with you in your bed when i was not interested at all". Slowly towards the end of devaluation phase he refrained from sex as he said he was not in mood. It was like a slap on my face, and to my ego, my wants/desires. He would no longer hold hands when we were out, he wouldn't talk at all and would expect me to talk all the time. He was always in this grumpy mood, and he would errupt like a volcano if i asked him why he was behaving like this to me.

For 6 months i was treated like trash - just because i called off the wedding after a night that involved argument and abuse (verbal/physical). After which we did decided we will first resolve the issues before taking any serious decision. Since that day onwards he never spoke about engagement or marriage to me. I thought he was focusing on the issues but it never looked to me that he really 'worked' on them. He continued to yell at me, blame me until one night on my trip to see him, he discarded me so badly without any mercy. He did not even come to see me off at the airport. He just gave me hug and shut the door behind me as soon as i walked out of his door.

I had read somwhere that in LDR pwNPD/BPD can 'talk the talk' but cannot 'walk the walk'.

My friends - Can you help me comprehend this? Thank you for reading this lengthy post!

[SicMDawgs]

Good Morning ,

   There is a website   , has super information . You can google Borderline Personality Disorder traits  and Narcissistic Personality Traits . 

There tons of sites.   

The reason I looked  into these sites was because an old boyfriend contacted me after 24 years and gave me a big song and dance about how unhappy he was with his new marriage of 6 months and he always had loved me  never gotten over me . The things he said were so intense and scary , 100s of texts a days , lies , lies and more lies , I know that after 24 years of not speaking to someone that you would not start off attacking me for breaking up with him !

I could of had him arrested for harassment !   Hope this helps !

[Peterpan]

Hi Crystalclear 

I think it sounds the same thing I've had, in that it started out as a short infatuation, they think that IS love.

Sounds like a typical LDR, you are on the end of the phone, accepting texts and calls (and in your case) skyping erotically?

That is all he wants from you, all the deep intense 'commitment' talk at the beginning, it only served to reel you in, they know that most women would not accept 'just sex talk and convenient sex' they tell you what they know you need to hear, just enough so that you let down your guard, fell a deep connection, trust them, enough even to do things which you would not normally do.

I have had this too (although not sexting as such) mikne only lives three miles away, and I still always felt it was a LDR!... . anything which requires face to face interaction was out of the question.

I think for you... . can you cope with every couple of months, whether he is BPD or not?

His behaviour is certainly not normal, a normal man would be yearning for that intimate closeness with you, but it is abvious that he can't cope with it normally when it happens?

Most people will say walk away while you can (can't be that hard if he is so distant from you?)

I know just how hard it is to walk away from it, don't do like I have and keep making excuses for this atrocious behavior, don't think you can fix him because you now see the light and understand what his problem is.

Be thankful that he is not nearer to you rather than frustrated a his distance in miles.

When the silent treatment comes, you will always wonder, try to reach out fro answers, and all you will get from it is more confusion.

Take care of you, try to look at the picture 'as it really is' and ask yourself if the times you do see each other are happy ones xx

[fromheeltoheal]

Absolutely crystalclear.  I too had a long distance relationship with my BPD ex, and yes, the sweetest, kindest things she ever said to me were by text, email, or Facebook, and when we got together it literally felt like being with a different person.  I fell in love with her thumbs, as I put it; her texts were sweet, kind, loving, and short, and the truth is you can only get so much information from a text, there is no emotional content and you can't hear a tone of voice, so I filled in the blanks with my hopes and dreams, and was pretty shocked, but deeply in denial, when the person she really is in person didn't even remotely measure up to the text ideal, in fact I didn't like her much.

I've since learned that behavior is common with BPD.  Her iPhone was constantly going off, and she's got kids she talks to a lot, but I'm positive there were other guys being strung along with the text bait too.  Although I don't necessarily consider it malicious; texting was a place she could stay a little detached from a relationship, and therefore not triggered, and she could invent and be a person she wanted to be, could be in short bursts, but got ambushed by the disorder in person.  Sad, but it did give me a view inside what she must be continually going through.  And of course I'm disturbed by the fact that although she was not the person in the written communication, not even close, and the real live her was abusive, disrespectful and devaluing, I kept going back, time and time again, until it just got too painful.  Investigating the reasons behind that has become my sole focus lately.

[delusionalxox]

Hey crystalclear 

Yeah as you know me and ex were also long distance for most of our 'relationship'.

There was a lot of sexting and skypeing. He was from a conservative culture and had only been out with conservative women before who would not have dreamed of using the word 'f***' :D and I think he found all that very alluring in me :D as I am quite open with someone i really like. And I made my desire for him very clear.

However I soon started to feel overwhelmed by the amount he wanted to skype/sext, he wanted it constantly and now now now. I was constantly havng to fend him off and give excuses as to why I wanted to er, live my life... . but he doesn't work (well, only works when he wants to, is a permanent student and 'artist' so expected me to be providing virtual sex on tap whenever he felt like it. And I think he is a sex addict too , which I guess I also can be... .

The final discard came soon after I had said I wasn't comfortable with this as he had already downgraded me from girlfriend to 'friend' as I had failed to consult him about where I was living in UK (? he was living in Italy and planning to go to Asia). The week before he had sent me a beautiful non sexual email promising eternal friendship and that I would be a priority in his life.

He had had a few long distance relationships before including one lasting 7 years (! with many breaks and periods of not seeing eachother for months) where it sounds as if (putting his idealised story together) he had idealised and recycled the girl many times, and also cheated on her a few times too ('but only with the one girl' (!)) until she finally left him. All his girlfriends apart from her were either viciously slagged off for their 'appalling' treatment of him ( !) or dismissed as 'boring'. He had clearly been a nightmare with all of them until they left him. At one point he even admitted 'I forced them to leave me' (he did have some insight into himself).

I am sure that he would not have discarded me completely this last time unless he had something to move onto. He would have no trouble picking up women at all, indeed the last time we split up he had something else within a week- and expected me to sympathise with him because the sexual experience was 'horrible'. hahahahaha. One has to laugh

He sometimes chilled me with his very objectifying attitude to women. Would talk of older women in particular as if they were disgusting (and I am 40!). yet very rarely turned down an opportunity to sleep with ANYONE who showed interest in him, it seemed.

His last email was the real killer, seemed to show a new maturity and sensitivity about what he had done to me and to offer real loyalty at least as a friend. Yeah like fromheeltoheal I was 'filling in the blanks with my hopes and dreams'.

I will be vary wary of LDRs now. I think they are a breeding ground for disordered attachments. And I also think we have to look at our own reasons for getting into them/staying in them. Agree we were both seduced by promises of passion and commitment (and in my case good looks and sexiness- I don't know what your ex was like in that respect) but why did we go along with all the hassle? It wasn't ever going to be worth it and it was chasing an unattainable dream.

xxx

[crystalclear]

Thank you SICMDAWGS for sharing this! I had read Shaari's articles before, and its quite interesting posts there too.

I think for you... . can you cope with every couple of months, whether he is BPD or not?

His behaviour is certainly not normal, a normal man would be yearning for that intimate closeness with you, but it is abvious that he can't cope with it normally when it happens?

Most people will say walk away while you can (can't be that hard if he is so distant from you?)

This was my first LDR. I liked this guy and the daily calls (4-5 times/day), the texts and video chats was giving me a the time to know him more. The first few months were good, i did not really 'miss' his physical presence as i only met him once. And i was not in LOVE immediately or gave a serious thought - i was getting to know him more and took it slow. While on the other hand he moved quite quick, telling me that he 'loves' me with 3 days of meeting. He proposed to me within 4 months into the r/s, during our 3rd meeting/ 2nd trip to see him. The extreme attention and outpour of love got me blinded. I found his insecurity to be 'protective' behavior, and his jealousy a sort of validation to how much he loved me. I think it did not really matter to me that it was LDR, as i thought we would eventually live together and his commitment, and attention kept me going.

He would cry on the calls and video chats saying how angry/sad he felt as the distance disables him to do what couples do - the romantice dinners, movies, walks, shopping... . the banters jus t sitting on the couch. And how much he misses me or was pining for me etc. After 5 months (2 trips later) all the talks did not match up to his actions. He wanted to stay home more, spend less, eat home food... . etc.