Never ends and who cares.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

. .like that I left a cup of cat pee on her desk. How does one even collect pee from a cat? . .

. biggest smile of the day  : )

[icky]

. .like that I left a cup of cat pee on her desk. How does one even collect pee from a cat? . .

. biggest smile of the day  : )

[icky]

. Very true, it's my foo stuff. I had to anticipate the abusers next play to save my life. It becomes habit and a abnormal normal way to live. There's no understanding a person who's drunk and in a rage anymore than it's possible to understand a pwBPD. And yes, thank God for this site and all the moderators and unfortunately the fellow members going through this nightmare.

. i'm sorry to hear what you are going through. i grew up with a very abusive, violent mother who definitely had a personality disorder - i'm not sure if it was BPD. maybe as a way of getting a bit unstuck/ less attached, you could stop trying to understand her as your ex-partner and just view her as the BPD mother that your son will have to learn to cope with. try and understand with compassion what a BPD mother is and how that will impact your son and how you can, in time, explain to him in child-appropriate terms, how to deal with her behaviour and her lack of displaying reliable, safe, bonded love to him. learn to see your ex as a BPD mother, so that you can give your son all the emotional tools he will need to survive being the child of a BPD mother - so that one day he does not end up in a BPD relationship himself. i always encourage victims of trauma and violence to also do volunteer work/ support other people while they are on their own healing journey. finding a way to help other/ be of service to others can really help you not feel "stuck" in a victim role. it can remind you that you are a valuable, competent, giving, caring person. so, by focussing on how you can help your son cope, deal and live with a BPD mother, you may be decreasing your focus on how you can cope with having a BPD ex. when we are healing from trauma, it's natural to focus our energy on that - sometimes we over-focus too much energy on it. then it can be a healthy reminder to help others with their journeys. well done on how well you are coping with it! i hope your physical illness is receiving adequate medical care. what is your prognosis?

[JerryRG]

Thank you hmmmmm

Those are good points, getting outside ourselves and our problems is key.

The cancer is in remission, the treatment failed and no other options but chemo for the rest of my life.

I seen a doctor at the Emergency room last night, I have bronchitis and been sick with various things for weeks. Long term I see no getting past the side effects of the chemo. I've asked many doctors and there isn't many options. My personal physician told me most of her patients get one dose of the meds I'm on and discontinue and live with the cancer. Not sure how long I have, 5, 10 or maybe more time. Each case is different

[icky]

i'm truly sorry to hear that, jerry. i do quite a bit of research in state-of-the-art, best-practice medicine and there is some amazing medical research being done in a field called Psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) or Psychoneuroendoimmunology (PNEI). it is probably the most exciting field of medical research being done in mainstream medicine today. i'm wary to mention it, because i know cancer patients get countless amounts of unasked for medical advice or even suggested "cures". so i'm saying this very reservedly, just as an "for your information" thing. you might like to google the subject - to put it simply it's about the mind-body connection from a scientific point of view and how things like emotions (eg stress) create stress hormones in the brain which then directly affect the body. a very good introduction to the subject is a book by Lissa Rankin called "mind over medicine" tho the title is unfortunately very misleading, because it should say "the role of the brain and brain-chemistry in physical medicine" - but you know publishing houses - they'd rather pick a catchy title that will sell, than a boring but accurate title. if i may, i'll give you one simple example of what PNI or PNEI looks at:. you have two basic emotional-mental-physical states. 1. fight-flight-freeze (sympathetic nervous system). 2. rest-and-digest (parasympathetic nervous system). these two are either/ or states. you can only be in one of them at a time. all physical/ medical healing takes place while the body is in the 2nd (parasympathetic nervous system) state. the body's repair and maintenance functions cannot take place in the fight-flight-flee stress mode. so for any type of illness at all, getting your system into as many parasympathetic (rest and digest) hours per day is important. being in a BPD relationship, going through divorce, dealing with custody issues, dealing with a serious illness, dealing with physical pain are all factors that push your body into the stress (sympathetic) state. if you can try and get as many minutes or hours per day of significant, deep relaxation and rest per day with as few stress hormones in your blood stream telling your system it needs to deal with immediate threats, the more resources your system will have to deal with underlying health issues. i in no way want to suggest that this could "heal" your condition - please don't misunderstand me there. i have gone through serious chronic illness myself tho and know how important (and how hard) it is to break out of stress cycles . and i know that getting "20 minutes of relaxation" seems like such a trifling thing - it seems like it could make "next to no difference". i'd like to encourage you to look at PNI / the parasympathetic nervous system, if you feel up to it, so that you can see the value of even 3 minutes of parasympathetic relaxation for your system. even if all it achieves is that it makes some of your symptoms a bit milder, or it makes it easier for you to deal with your illness, or it gives you a couple of years longer with your son, that would be a valuable outcome, imo. if you are having strong physical pain, you may like to look at this website/ resource - it is a Canadian clinic specialising in chronic pain . www.neuronovacentre.com/books-and-audio/the-mindfulness-solution-to-pain/. i can send you a copy of their audio material, if you like. right, i'll stop writing now. i'm really sorry to have spammed you with unasked for medical advice! : /. please ignore all of it, if it is unhelpful to you!

[shatra]

Curiously wrote---
They have to be the centre of your world and feel as though you are still attached to them so check up on you if they feel they need to.

--True. I also wonder if, aside from checking up on us, if their need to still feel you are still attached to them is why they assume we are stalking them/checking up on them, even though we are not?  I have heard this from many ex-partners of pwBPD, the pwBPD accusing the ex of stalking even though the ex has absolutely no contact or outreach.

Jerry---
  I hope you feel better soon. Also, you wrote about the painful visual memory of the last meeting with ex.  One DBT method is to try to recall the memory in slow motion, with the sound turned down, or in black and white---then visualize th whole scene 10 feet away from you, then 50 feet away, etc.  This can take the sting out if it. Take care.

[JerryRG]

Thank you hmmmmm and shatra

I had a bad day yesterday, my son's mother just ignoring our son and walking away from him. Last week making a fuss and taking him from me.

She is such a mental mess I am truly afraid for my son and my own safety.

She's completely out of touch with reality, her bf seems to be about in the same.

There's no logic or reasoning this whole situation.

It is simply beyond discription or belief

A mother who can simply ignore her only child is in my opinion capable of anything. This is a crime against her very soul.

I used to believe she had a soul, I will never make that mistake again. She's obviously an empty shell.

If she cannot love a beautiful 2 year old child, how can she love anything?