Why is moving on so difficult?

[Matty]

In past relationships I have always known when it was over and was always able to move on fairly quickly but following the end of my 1 year relationship with untreated BPD wife (second marriage for both of us), I find myself to be surprisingly damaged, I don’t know any other way to describe it.

It feels like it never ends, that its never really over and perhaps thats because of the other times she has split and then come back after I make colossal efforts to engage with her but it has been 6 months since I last saw her and I have no interest in making any efforts this time. However, she will send me an email every few weeks and we end up talking and while I have no illusions about getting back together (she tells she has had our marriage annulled but I have no way to confirm), I also know that her family and friends won’t help her and so when we have these conversations, I validate her feelings using SET, don’t succumb to FOG but I also have to establish boundaries from time to time (which I never have before) and I always re-direct any discussion to talking on the phone as by text or email things go down hill quickly with her and she’ll write awful things that I know are all projection. She has told me several times now that she is getting help and at times it seems like she may be as she has stopped herself from doing some of the same maladaptive behaviours over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I suspect that a therapist is helping her but can not be certain. I remain here for her if she wants to engage but I do not actively engage because I also see little to no evidence of the woman I married but a completely different person and I don’t think the woman I married is ever coming back.   

I went on a date last week and while the woman was interesting and definitely interested in me, I might as well have been a zombie as I was not really interested and that may have been for several reasons as she was really not my type. However it concerns me in that I still feel like I have a role to play in my ex-wife’s life. I wonder if it is penance for past sins (and I’ve done many), or a cross I am meant to carry. I had hoped that by marrying her that I was ready to turn my life around and be completely committed to this marriage and in many ways I still feel committed to the marriage despite these insurmountable obstacles. I really am not certain if I will ever get over this relationship or be interested in anyone else again.

One of the biggest differences I have observed in my feelings towards my ex-wife is that in the past when the relationship ended with other woman I always immediately thought: where will I get sex? But with her, my first thought has always been: what will I do with out her? Please do not jump to the ‘I am a codependent’ conclusion as I am not but I am definitely a rescuer.

Grateful for any and all comments/thoughts.

[Collaguazo]

Hi Matty,

I understand you completely. I broke up with my ex almost 3 weeks ago after a year together and it’s been really hard. But you have come to the right place. I recommend you checking this link as, for me at least was very helpful:

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#5

For me, the most difficult to handle has been:

1) Accepting that the person I knew at the beginning of the relationship is no longer coming back. She was only mirroring what I wanted and desired. BPDs are specially good at this.

2) Stop trying to “rescue” her. I know she is suffering and is vulnerable, and although she was very abusive and hurtful, I still have this feeling of protecting her. But my mental health and well-being comes first.

3) Breaking the pull and push cycle. Every time I was devalued, I craved for her validation, almost like a drug. So I would chase her, do anything for her just to have that feeling back. But it’s a cycle of diminishing returns

4) Forgiving myself for tolerating so much and let her inflict so much pain. Once a BPD learns your weak points, they really know how to hit hard and can say nasty things.

5) Stop trying to make sense of her behaviors and wondering if she really cared about me or not. It’s impossible.

[capecodling]

I really am not certain if I will ever get over this relationship or be interested in anyone else again.

How long has it been since you broke up and how long since no contact?   Feeling like you won't ever get over her after 2 weeks or 2 months is completely standard.   Feeling that way after 2 years broken up with no contact then we would want to look at doing additional work beyond no-contact.

[once removed]

moving on is difficult when you dont even know for certain whether or not you are still in your marriage. harder, still, if youre playing a role in her life and you dont even know what that role is.

it would be hard to even know what moving on looks like.

why isnt there a way to confirm if it was annulled? what are the circumstances here?

[Matty]

Thanks Collaguazo, I completely agree with five points.

Capecodling - last time I saw her was in December when she had a breakdown, was diagnosed with BPD and then left for her brother’s house. I frequently tried to come to see her there but she would not allow that. The last time we spoke was about a month ago but when we speak she says all sorts of things that are definitely lies and I have no idea what the point of the lies are (like Collaguazo says, no point in trying to figure it out).

Once Removed - We were married a year ago in Islamabad as I was being assigned to China and we wanted to stay together. She was working in my office and comes from a very wealthy Pakistani family. It was an Islamic nikka ceremony and I was told that I would be notified of the annulment but it’s Pakistan so who knows. I could also see her coming to me in a few months and saying: you’re my husband and you have to help me. That would not surprise me at all.  I am almost relieved everyday when I check my e-mail and there is no message from her and yet still worry about her.

[lastlap]

I understand. It’s been close to 7 months for me since I experienced a final split / discard. I didn’t know my ex had BPD until after it was over.

I have never experienced a break up or relationship anything like this in my life, and since it ended, I have felt zero attraction or capacity for intimacy with anyone. It feels like a switch flipped off in me and the thought of being close to someone like that feels intolerable. I don’t know how long it will last, but it feels like it could be a really long time.

[Pook075]

Hi Matty,

I understand you completely. I broke up with my ex almost 3 weeks ago after a year together and it’s been really hard. But you have come to the right place. I recommend you checking this link as, for me at least was very helpful:

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#5

For me, the most difficult to handle has been:

1) Accepting that the person I knew at the beginning of the relationship is no longer coming back. She was only mirroring what I wanted and desired. BPDs are specially good at this.

2) Stop trying to “rescue” her. I know she is suffering and is vulnerable, and although she was very abusive and hurtful, I still have this feeling of protecting her. But my mental health and well-being comes first.

3) Breaking the pull and push cycle. Every time I was devalued, I craved for her validation, almost like a drug. So I would chase her, do anything for her just to have that feeling back. But it’s a cycle of diminishing returns

4) Forgiving myself for tolerating so much and let her inflict so much pain. Once a BPD learns your weak points, they really know how to hit hard and can say nasty things.

5) Stop trying to make sense of her behaviors and wondering if she really cared about me or not. It’s impossible.

Awesome reply!

[Pook075]

I had hoped that by marrying her that I was ready to turn my life around and be completely committed to this marriage and in many ways I still feel committed to the marriage despite these insurmountable obstacles.

Brother, I'm going to give you a dose of hard love, so please don't take this the wrong way.  The only person who can make you truly happy is you. 

Don't you dare give her that power to tug on your heartstrings and keep you with one foot out the door.  In a BPD relationship, your ex will try to hang onto that hold indefinitely because it lets them do whatever they want while always having you as a safety net when things go wrong (and let's face it, they always go wrong eventually).  You owe it to yourself to pick up the pieces and move forward, whether it's dating or being content with single life.

People with BPD love completely when things are good, and that's one of the best feelings in the world.  We've all been there and a lot of us crave that drug for the rest of our lives.  That's all it is, an addiction, a fix, that fades away over time because it wasn't real.  Your ex mirrored your feelings and it was all rainbows and unicorns at the start, so we all wonder if we can somehow get that back.  But 99.9% of the time, it's gone forever and we have to stop chasing it.

Why?  Because if you don't, you're going to hold out for that all over again, and you'll eventually marry another gal with BPD.  You have to break that cycle for your own good.

[Matty]

I have never experienced a break up or relationship anything like this in my life, and since it ended, I have felt zero attraction or capacity for intimacy with anyone. It feels like a switch flipped off in me and the thought of being close to someone like that feels intolerable. I don’t know how long it will last, but it feels like it could be a really long time.

Last lap - this sums it up perfectly. I’ve accepted that it’s over and like Pook075 says, it ain’t ever going to be the same as it was in the beginning so forget about that possibility. I feel much more like my true self again but I can’t seem to get over this (what I hope is) the final hump to moving on.

[jaded7]

I have never experienced a break up or relationship anything like this in my life, and since it ended, I have felt zero attraction or capacity for intimacy with anyone. It feels like a switch flipped off in me and the thought of being close to someone like that feels intolerable. I don’t know how long it will last, but it feels like it could be a really long time.

Last lap - this sums it up perfectly. I’ve accepted that it’s over and like Pook075 says, it ain’t ever going to be the same as it was in the beginning so forget about that possibility. I feel much more like my true self again but I can’t seem to get over this (what I hope is) the final hump to moving on.

We've all been there, some of us are there now too. It seems to be a defining characteristic of when these types of relationships end. I'm right there with you, don't want to date, don't know if I ever will again, don't want to get close to someone again.

It has to do, I think, with the intermittent reinforcement that followed 100% in behavior, telling and showing us that this was it, the lifetime relationship. So those of us who crave being loved and cherished let ourselves begin to allow and trust this relationship, maybe for the first time in our lives.

[Concerned_4_kids]

Matty,

There are so many elements of your story I can relate to. I was married to someone who I believe has BPD for 15 years and we have 3 children.

It's been 2 years since I left, and 7 months since the divorce was finalized. While I am doing a lot of work on what I brought to the table and why I was attracted to someone with BPD, the only way I was able to get out, was to get out 100%. Since it doesn't sound like you have children in common I will keep my thoughts between you and your former partner.

I learned what Grey Rocking was. I learned what Supply is. I learned that I have no power to help or change another person. My BPD exwife messages me (on a court ordered Parenting App - I have blocked her on all other mediums) 5 to 50 times a day. Yes, that is an accurate number. I feel as if I was in a "cult of 1" and I am now only coming out of it and dealing with the damage. PTSD is a real thing, my ability to work, my self esteem, my ability to trust my own judgement are so broken I can't even tell you. Dealing with MY issues is what I do now, so I can move on, parent my children and learn to enjoy life and other people again.

I don't like giving advice but if YOU decide to end it, END IT. Like someone in AA, they can't have just one drink in 6 months. It's over.

[Collaguazo]

We've all been there, some of us are there now too. It seems to be a defining characteristic of when these types of relationships end. I'm right there with you, don't want to date, don't know if I ever will again, don't want to get close to someone again.

It has to do, I think, with the intermittent reinforcement that followed 100% in behavior, telling and showing us that this was it, the lifetime relationship. So those of us who crave being loved and cherished let ourselves begin to allow and trust this relationship, maybe for the first time in our lives.

Same here. I used to have a recurring dream where I met the same woman. She didn’t have a specific face but she was tall and brunette, and every time I woke up with intense feeling of love.

Guess what? my exBPD is very similar to the girl I used to dream about and at the beginning of the relationship I got the exact same feeling of love, so I thought this is it, I finally found my soulmate.

I also had been single for a few years waiting to meet the right girl. I had a couple of dates but I didn’t want to rush into anything just to be with someone out of fear of being alone. I was confident it was just a matter of being patient.

Now after the breakup, it’s like I lost all hope. I tried to do everything right and, in a sense, all I got was punishment. And now I am afraid that if I ever date again, I am going to overcorrect at any potential sign of trouble and just run away.

Life can be so unfair and cruel.

[GlennT]

Your dream was a premonition dream. Possibly a warning too. You are not suppose to give up all hope. You are suppose to wake up to the truth and heal. You probably are a psychic and the world may need you, so don't let a premonition ruin everything. Love is forever and it will get better if you do and let it.

[Collaguazo]

Your dream was a premonition dream. Possibly a warning too. You are not suppose to give up all hope. You are suppose to wake up to the truth and heal. You probably are a psychic and the world may need you, so don't let a premonition ruin everything. Love is forever and it will get better if you do and let it.

You are right. I don’t want to give up, I just want to finally meet someone and have a life partner.

I don’t want to endure another break-up.

[Augustine]

It’s the intermittent negative re enforcement wreaking havoc on your sense of self worth.

When you’re in the devaluation stage, they set the tune by which you dance, particularly if you’re a rescuer like me.

The more you dance, the more you’re devalued.  In fact, doing the opposite is more to their tastes, as it re enforces their poor sense of self worth. 

In my case, there was almost no “me” left at all anymore towards the end, and I was fortunate to decide to grasp the nettle, and scarper for safety.

I’ve been out for 1.5 months, and it’s been a grind. 

It’s going to be a grind for a few months more in order to rid my body of all this poison.

However, it’s far better to be safely out of that nonsense, than still grapple with it every day.