It's been a year since she left and I'm still struggling...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all. I'll do my best to keep this short and concise, but it's all so complicated that it might turn out a little long anyways... .

I'm 26 and my ex is 21. We were together five years in a long-distance relationship. She was diagnosed with BPD halfway through the relationship. We both cheated on each other (online) and found out at the same time. Trust was pretty low in the latter half of the relationship. She left me last June for a new hero/replacement. The early days were horrible and I was able to barely function. Now I can live my life and get my stuff done, but I feel so hollow and empty, and there are a few things that make me really sad each and every day.

1 - Her life now and my replacement both seem like a complete upgrade from when she was with me. My replacement is more handsome, slimmer, younger, wealthier, more successful, and better in bed. Their relationship has advanced more in a year than ours did in five. They're already living together on the other side of the country from her hometown, and I wouldn't be surprised if they got married soon. I feel emasculated, inferior, discarded, and worthless. I don't miss the fights we used to get into and the nights I spent on the phone with her until dawn, on suicide watch because she felt so terrible. But I do miss the idolization, even if it wasn't 'real' - it felt real at the time and the memories remain good no matter how much I read about her condition. Knowing that someone else is experiencing that idolization hurts. Just as painful is knowing - thanks to her early attempts at post-breakup contact which I foolishly allowed - that he's a lot better in bed than I was. I played the caretaker role in the relationship and she played a 'princess' role - we were both each other's first sexual partner. I absolutely abhor the idea of my replacement laying his hands on her. I know that's stupid and possibly even creepy. I'm trying to get better and become less jealous, and let go of this concept of her purity or whatever.

2 - She has painted me blacker than black. During the relationship, she made it clear to me that she didn't mind the difference in our ages, and that she in fact liked it. However, after the breakup, she has revised her opinion and now feels that the relationship was a mistake and that I victimized her. In addition, she now claims that I was abusive and manipulative, with the biggest example being my infidelity. As for her infidelity, she claims that she was manipulated by the much older man she cheated on me with, so she has no responsibility for any of it. I loved this girl with all my heart and soul, and I tried for years to regain her trust, only to suddenly lose her one day to a replacement she had been talking to behind my back for months. The relationship wasn't perfect, but I would never have given up on it.

3 - In the year since the breakup, I've had absolutely zero luck with relationships. I've read a lot about BPD relationships plagued by constant breakups, but ours wasn't like that. I felt very safe and secure in the relationship until close to the end, when her behavior became strange. She would always remind me that she loved me, and though sometimes I felt a little smothered, since the breakup I actually find myself wishing the women I've been dating would give me more affection. I understand that BPD relationships involve a lot of 'love bombing' and stuff, and that normal relationships are calmer, but I find myself bored by the pedantic nature of 'normal' relationships. There's less affection, the sex is a lot more basic, fewer compliments and ego boosts, and worst of all - I feel a lot less secure. I've dated three women since the breakup and all three relationships were very similar: For a couple months I try very hard to strike a balance between being affectionate and avoiding clinginess, I pay for a series of dinners, I buy them a modest gift after a few weeks, and I make sure they know that I care for them and that I'm there for them if they need someone to talk to. They, on the other hand, disappear for large chunks of time (something very hard to get used to after being in contact with my BPD ex 24/7) and seemed as though they weren't really all that serious. Then, somewhere around the 3 month mark, they find someone else and a very anticlimactic breakup occurs. "Sorry, this guy I've had a crush on for years/my high school sweetheart/my ex says they want to get together. I'm really sorry. Bye."

I guess those are the three main things that are bringing me down right now - my replacement is made of solid gold, I'm now garbage in her eyes, and my attempts to start a new long-term relationship are all fizzling out. I was wondering if anyone had any advice or could at least relate with me. Thanks for reading, I know it got long despite my best efforts.

[Fox Mulder]

Hi all. I'll do my best to keep this short and concise, but it's all so complicated that it might turn out a little long anyways... .

I'm 26 and my ex is 21. We were together five years in a long-distance relationship. She was diagnosed with BPD halfway through the relationship. We both cheated on each other (online) and found out at the same time. Trust was pretty low in the latter half of the relationship. She left me last June for a new hero/replacement. The early days were horrible and I was able to barely function. Now I can live my life and get my stuff done, but I feel so hollow and empty, and there are a few things that make me really sad each and every day.

1 - Her life now and my replacement both seem like a complete upgrade from when she was with me. My replacement is more handsome, slimmer, younger, wealthier, more successful, and better in bed. Their relationship has advanced more in a year than ours did in five. They're already living together on the other side of the country from her hometown, and I wouldn't be surprised if they got married soon. I feel emasculated, inferior, discarded, and worthless. I don't miss the fights we used to get into and the nights I spent on the phone with her until dawn, on suicide watch because she felt so terrible. But I do miss the idolization, even if it wasn't 'real' - it felt real at the time and the memories remain good no matter how much I read about her condition. Knowing that someone else is experiencing that idolization hurts. Just as painful is knowing - thanks to her early attempts at post-breakup contact which I foolishly allowed - that he's a lot better in bed than I was. I played the caretaker role in the relationship and she played a 'princess' role - we were both each other's first sexual partner. I absolutely abhor the idea of my replacement laying his hands on her. I know that's stupid and possibly even creepy. I'm trying to get better and become less jealous, and let go of this concept of her purity or whatever.

2 - She has painted me blacker than black. During the relationship, she made it clear to me that she didn't mind the difference in our ages, and that she in fact liked it. However, after the breakup, she has revised her opinion and now feels that the relationship was a mistake and that I victimized her. In addition, she now claims that I was abusive and manipulative, with the biggest example being my infidelity. As for her infidelity, she claims that she was manipulated by the much older man she cheated on me with, so she has no responsibility for any of it. I loved this girl with all my heart and soul, and I tried for years to regain her trust, only to suddenly lose her one day to a replacement she had been talking to behind my back for months. The relationship wasn't perfect, but I would never have given up on it.

3 - In the year since the breakup, I've had absolutely zero luck with relationships. I've read a lot about BPD relationships plagued by constant breakups, but ours wasn't like that. I felt very safe and secure in the relationship until close to the end, when her behavior became strange. She would always remind me that she loved me, and though sometimes I felt a little smothered, since the breakup I actually find myself wishing the women I've been dating would give me more affection. I understand that BPD relationships involve a lot of 'love bombing' and stuff, and that normal relationships are calmer, but I find myself bored by the pedantic nature of 'normal' relationships. There's less affection, the sex is a lot more basic, fewer compliments and ego boosts, and worst of all - I feel a lot less secure. I've dated three women since the breakup and all three relationships were very similar: For a couple months I try very hard to strike a balance between being affectionate and avoiding clinginess, I pay for a series of dinners, I buy them a modest gift after a few weeks, and I make sure they know that I care for them and that I'm there for them if they need someone to talk to. They, on the other hand, disappear for large chunks of time (something very hard to get used to after being in contact with my BPD ex 24/7) and seemed as though they weren't really all that serious. Then, somewhere around the 3 month mark, they find someone else and a very anticlimactic breakup occurs. "Sorry, this guy I've had a crush on for years/my high school sweetheart/my ex says they want to get together. I'm really sorry. Bye."

I guess those are the three main things that are bringing me down right now - my replacement is made of solid gold, I'm now garbage in her eyes, and my attempts to start a new long-term relationship are all fizzling out. I was wondering if anyone had any advice or could at least relate with me. Thanks for reading, I know it got long despite my best efforts.

[GuiltHaunted]

After 1 year, I was struggling too.

It's been 2 year and 8 days since she dumped me... .The reason I know so exact, is because I just checked, and realised I "forgot" to grieve the day, like I did last year. 

So, my only comforting word to you is:  t i m e

Don't put a pressure on yourself. Accept it will take the time it will take. That acceptance helped me. With this acceptance, I realised what "allow yourself to grieve" meant.

In the meanwhile, the usual advice for any breakup: Focus on yourself, do things you like to do, keep busy.

[UserName69]

1 - Her life now and my replacement both seem like a complete upgrade from when she was with me. My replacement is more handsome, slimmer, younger, wealthier, more successful, and better in bed. Their relationship has advanced more in a year than ours did in five. They're already living together on the other side of the country from her hometown, and I wouldn't be surprised if they got married soon.

Let me guess she told you that? You shouldn't believe it, she just pretends that way thats how BPD people are. They always pretend like everything is cool but in reality it really isn't. It's just an act.

Even if they got married, what kind of marriage would that be. You know how she is, and everything she did to you she would to her "husband". Do you really want to have a wife like that? Just let them, maybe they seem happy now but one day it will be even worse for them. And at that day you'll have found a much better partner compared to your ex.

I feel emasculated, inferior, discarded, and worthless. I don't miss the fights we used to get into and the nights I spent on the phone with her until dawn, on suicide watch because she felt so terrible. But I do miss the idolization, even if it wasn't 'real' - it felt real at the time and the memories remain good no matter how much I read about her condition. Knowing that someone else is experiencing that idolization hurts. Just as painful is knowing - thanks to her early attempts at post-breakup contact which I foolishly allowed - that he's a lot better in bed than I was. I played the caretaker role in the relationship and she played a 'princess' role - we were both each other's first sexual partner. I absolutely abhor the idea of my replacement laying his hands on her. I know that's stupid and possibly even creepy. I'm trying to get better and become less jealous, and let go of this concept of her purity or whatever.

You really shouldn't because everything about her new relationship is just fake. She's just playing games with you thats why she said he's better in bed. Don't let her get you, she's saying that just to hurt you. Just let her go, mark my words karma will get her.

The relationship wasn't perfect, but I would never have given up on it.

Once you meet a nice girl you'll realize how evil your ex is, you're going to realize how bad your relationship was with this girl. If they talk bad about you, just let them. One day that guy will get played and dumped too, then he'll see her true identity. My ex did the same with her ex, and I knew she would do the same about me. So I really never cared about what she said. I know all the people around her know how bad and evil she is, so what did I had to lose? Totally nothing.

I guess those are the three main things that are bringing me down right now - my replacement is made of solid gold, I'm now garbage in her eyes, and my attempts to start a new long-term relationship are all fizzling out. I was wondering if anyone had any advice or could at least relate with me. Thanks for reading, I know it got long despite my best efforts.

Just ban her completely from your life, if you have any presents or gifts that she gave you just burn them or throw them away. Delete her from Facebook, delete her number, add her e-mail to a ban list. Just let her have fun with her new boyfriend. She's just going to play him, everything she says about him is a possible lie. Because when she dumps him she's going to say the same about him.

My ex did the same, and to be honest I never liked her friends and I didn't had any contact with them. I had my own buddies she never knew, I kept them on a distance from her. So even if she talks bad about me why should I even care?

You really shouldn't miss her, if you still think about her that means she still controls you. Don't let her win. Forget everything about her and move on. I know it sounds pretty hard but it's not hard at all, you need to have a strong will. Couple weeks ago I did think about my ex and I loved her. Couple weeks later I totally forgot about her, I even hate her so much I hope I'll never see her again in my entire life.

I started a couple new hobbies, I have met so many people and made new friends. There is no room for her in my mind, she isn't even worth it. I'm almost everyday busy with activities. You really should do the same as I did, start a new hobby, go hang around with your friends, talk with people, meet new people. You'll be so happy that you're going to forget her.

In my opinion you really should NOT love her anymore, just think what she did to you. Every time when you want her back think how evil she is, I knew mine did play a lot with my feelings so what happened I started to hate her. That hate motivated me to improve my life, have fun and enjoy everything without her. Most BPD people will never have a stable relationship. At the time when you're going to get married with the love of your life your ex will be the same, she's still going from relationship to relationship. Probably never have kids, even if she did marry her marriage would be a disaster. So she's the loser and you. Karma always get them.

My ex is the same, I bet she's with an another guy now telling him how much I sucked and how bad I am. To be honest I'm so happy we broke up. I have met an another girl and she is way better compared to my ex. I even thanked my ex for treating me badly because of that I met this girl. I knew this would be a slap in her face because she was the queen of jealousy. This girl really made me realize that my exBPD is a big loser, she's never going to achieve something positive in her life.

You're still recovering from your relationship so don't start a new one. You need to forget totally about her then you can start a new relationship. Get your self busy, try to stay busy everyday it will make you forget about her. It really works, I'm not better than you so if I can do it everybody can do it. Improve yourself and forget about her.

[Aussie0zborn]

You are quite a mess - that's exactly how they like to leave us. They need to leave you in ruins, thereby creating their trail of destruction. And you're letting her.

Everything was fake. You were the pawn in her fantasy relationship. Others have debunked and explained her nonsense above. I'm just going to address three things... .at five years her senior, you were not too old for her. Not by any stretch of the imagination so stop believing that nonsense.

As for the sex with normal people being "plain", I actually welcomed that because the price you pay for that intense BPD sex is not with it. Think about it.  

The new guy is not better than you. They will always tell you either directly or by implication but whether that's true or not we will never know and it doesn't matter. By the very nature of this illness, they need to leave you in a wrecked state so even if the replacement is not "better", they need you to feel that this is indeed the case. It's not. In fact, one of the many questions asked here so often is exactly on this topic.

All the resources are here - please  read up on them. Professional help is also a good idea if you can afford it. Given your age and no prior relationship experience, this could be more damaging for you than it would be for an older, experienced person.  As mentioned above, keep yourself busy, and include exercise in your routine - it seriously helps. Good luck.