Petition to Modify

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been away for some time.  Things have been “ok” but in need of improvement in some areas.  Arrangement is 50/50 physical and joint legal custody. 

This past year I had made arrangements to use before/after care at school.  There had at that time been too many instances of conflict at pickups from ex that I wanted to change.  Existing Order allows ex to pick kids up from sitter if she notifies me first.  She never did this to the letter and many times I had stopped to pick the kids up – on my days – and she had already picked them up w/o telling me.  This eventually turned into ex finding a cushy schedule job, lower paying than earning power, and she has taken over pickups on my days, telling school on my days who is picking the kids up, her boyfriend, her mother, etc.  This needs to change. 

At the beginning of school, first day, she blew up, at school.  On my first day she marched into school, made a scene in the main office, almost pushing the principal, and demanding to have the children.  Long story short, I could not use after care, she had made such a scene that I had to cave in and allow her to pick the kids up in the afternoon.  I did keep using before care, but with problems with S9’s behavior.  It was obvious that someone was poisoning S9 about before care as his words were the same trivializing tone as ex’s.  S9’s behavior was so bad at the end that the agency running before/after care will not take us back this year.       

So, I’ve filed a petition to modify the custody order.  Though she has not given me the satisfaction of saying she’s seen the petition, all of the points below in her e-mail follow the mods I’m making via the petition.  I have not responded to her e-mail, but would like some advice on what next to do.

Our S9 was diagnosed with asperger’s.  We now have wrap around services and a therapist case manager.  The case manager is having issues with ex not buying into some of the programs available for S9.  One of them that I like is a M, W, F after school program 4-6pm.  Ex is opposed to this program I assume because it violates her afternoon time with the kids.  I am for the program and think it would be good for S9.  Therapist is also having issues with ex talking to S9 about things she should not,  removing his one/one aid, his diagnosis, etc.

I have not responded and may not at all.  Sent e-mail to L.

Ex's e-mail:

Scraps,

I know I said ideally a Sunday PREP would be nice, however, I don't think changing S9 after 2 successful years at Church is the answer. It's not a problem for me to take them. They have accommodated S9 very well. Changing at this point would I think be a mistake.

I do not know what you are up to with custody but I intend (the Order does not give her permission to make these pickups on my dyas) to pick up the kids everyday after school like I always have. I facilitate homework and provide a consistent routine in the afternoon. If you think it's easier, I can drop the kids to you on your days.

Also, SO has offered, once again,  to take the boys to school each day thus eliminating before care on your days and any problems that may arise from that unstructured situation.  And again creating a consistent morning routine. 

Putting S9 and S7 in childcare when I am available to be with them is not in their best interest. (her words and her opinion.  Too many instances of conflict with pickups and too much control for her)  I hope that you are not planning to try to pull something at the beginning of the year again without even telling me.

The best thing that both of us can do is agree and share.  (Trap! She’s never been able to agree and share.  Translation, agree and share = do things my way or else.) We live in such proximity that co-parenting should be very easy. Why not try to take advantage of that? Take S9 out for the day alone on the boat on "my day" . Or Take Andrew somewhere alone.   (Even when I have had to travel, she has never traded back for my time lost.  Her idea of trading back is, she gives me a day back, but I have to trade for another day down the line.  So it’s a 2 for her, 1 for me “trade.”  Win-lose.  Not following ROFR either.)

Don't make an issue out of everything because it will only affect the kids negatively. (Interpreted, if you continue down this road I will affect the kids negatively.)  Do you really expect me (or you) to not attend sports games, shows, recitals, concerts, etc. just because it's not my day ( or yours)? It's not reasonable and involving the courts is going to waste time money and may completely back fire. (After our last transition with conflict, I sent an e-mail demanding she stay away when the kids are with me.  The very next activity after, baseball game, she showed up while I had the kids there.  This had not been the case before I made my request.)   

Remember last time, the master ordered psychological evaluations for me and you? What exactly did that do? It cost a lot of money - that's it. Nothing else came of it. (this is also in the petition to modify, it went nowhere because I ran out of money and needed to finish the divorce.  It went nowhere because she got a bogus evaluation from an unqualified dr.)

I know you hate me (Projection, she hates herself?) but I am still their mother and trying to keep them from me (I’ve never tried to keep them from her, but have control of my own time.  This is also projection?  She’s keeping them from me?)  is never going to happen. I will be there for the rest of their lives. There will be graduations, marriages, children, and other celebrations where we will both be in attendance. It's time to move forward and leave the rest behind. You will end up wasting time energy and money that you could have spent on them.

Our (we’ve never had ‘our’ efforts) efforts at present time should be getting S9 off to a good start to the school year without the 1:1 support. (This was her idea to start with, eliminate4 S9’s aid, but it is completely counter to what our current therapist is saying we will do)  I have done some work and have some solid research to support our request.  If you would like to me to share my findings, I would like to work together to make this happen. S9 had quite a few words with Social Skills Teacher, the social skills teacher for ESY about his feelings about school.  I asked her to please document for us.

ExuBPDNPDw

[scraps66]

I have been away for some time.  Things have been “ok” but in need of improvement in some areas.  Arrangement is 50/50 physical and joint legal custody. 

This past year I had made arrangements to use before/after care at school.  There had at that time been too many instances of conflict at pickups from ex that I wanted to change.  Existing Order allows ex to pick kids up from sitter if she notifies me first.  She never did this to the letter and many times I had stopped to pick the kids up – on my days – and she had already picked them up w/o telling me.  This eventually turned into ex finding a cushy schedule job, lower paying than earning power, and she has taken over pickups on my days, telling school on my days who is picking the kids up, her boyfriend, her mother, etc.  This needs to change. 

At the beginning of school, first day, she blew up, at school.  On my first day she marched into school, made a scene in the main office, almost pushing the principal, and demanding to have the children.  Long story short, I could not use after care, she had made such a scene that I had to cave in and allow her to pick the kids up in the afternoon.  I did keep using before care, but with problems with S9’s behavior.  It was obvious that someone was poisoning S9 about before care as his words were the same trivializing tone as ex’s.  S9’s behavior was so bad at the end that the agency running before/after care will not take us back this year.       

So, I’ve filed a petition to modify the custody order.  Though she has not given me the satisfaction of saying she’s seen the petition, all of the points below in her e-mail follow the mods I’m making via the petition.  I have not responded to her e-mail, but would like some advice on what next to do.

Our S9 was diagnosed with asperger’s.  We now have wrap around services and a therapist case manager.  The case manager is having issues with ex not buying into some of the programs available for S9.  One of them that I like is a M, W, F after school program 4-6pm.  Ex is opposed to this program I assume because it violates her afternoon time with the kids.  I am for the program and think it would be good for S9.  Therapist is also having issues with ex talking to S9 about things she should not,  removing his one/one aid, his diagnosis, etc.

I have not responded and may not at all.  Sent e-mail to L.

Ex's e-mail:

Scraps,

I know I said ideally a Sunday PREP would be nice, however, I don't think changing S9 after 2 successful years at Church is the answer. It's not a problem for me to take them. They have accommodated S9 very well. Changing at this point would I think be a mistake.

I do not know what you are up to with custody but I intend (the Order does not give her permission to make these pickups on my dyas) to pick up the kids everyday after school like I always have. I facilitate homework and provide a consistent routine in the afternoon. If you think it's easier, I can drop the kids to you on your days.

Also, SO has offered, once again,  to take the boys to school each day thus eliminating before care on your days and any problems that may arise from that unstructured situation.  And again creating a consistent morning routine. 

Putting S9 and S7 in childcare when I am available to be with them is not in their best interest. (her words and her opinion.  Too many instances of conflict with pickups and too much control for her)  I hope that you are not planning to try to pull something at the beginning of the year again without even telling me.

The best thing that both of us can do is agree and share.  (Trap! She’s never been able to agree and share.  Translation, agree and share = do things my way or else.) We live in such proximity that co-parenting should be very easy. Why not try to take advantage of that? Take S9 out for the day alone on the boat on "my day" . Or Take Andrew somewhere alone.   (Even when I have had to travel, she has never traded back for my time lost.  Her idea of trading back is, she gives me a day back, but I have to trade for another day down the line.  So it’s a 2 for her, 1 for me “trade.”  Win-lose.  Not following ROFR either.)

Don't make an issue out of everything because it will only affect the kids negatively. (Interpreted, if you continue down this road I will affect the kids negatively.)  Do you really expect me (or you) to not attend sports games, shows, recitals, concerts, etc. just because it's not my day ( or yours)? It's not reasonable and involving the courts is going to waste time money and may completely back fire. (After our last transition with conflict, I sent an e-mail demanding she stay away when the kids are with me.  The very next activity after, baseball game, she showed up while I had the kids there.  This had not been the case before I made my request.)   

Remember last time, the master ordered psychological evaluations for me and you? What exactly did that do? It cost a lot of money - that's it. Nothing else came of it. (this is also in the petition to modify, it went nowhere because I ran out of money and needed to finish the divorce.  It went nowhere because she got a bogus evaluation from an unqualified dr.)

I know you hate me (Projection, she hates herself?) but I am still their mother and trying to keep them from me (I’ve never tried to keep them from her, but have control of my own time.  This is also projection?  She’s keeping them from me?)  is never going to happen. I will be there for the rest of their lives. There will be graduations, marriages, children, and other celebrations where we will both be in attendance. It's time to move forward and leave the rest behind. You will end up wasting time energy and money that you could have spent on them.

Our (we’ve never had ‘our’ efforts) efforts at present time should be getting S9 off to a good start to the school year without the 1:1 support. (This was her idea to start with, eliminate4 S9’s aid, but it is completely counter to what our current therapist is saying we will do)  I have done some work and have some solid research to support our request.  If you would like to me to share my findings, I would like to work together to make this happen. S9 had quite a few words with Social Skills Teacher, the social skills teacher for ESY about his feelings about school.  I asked her to please document for us.

ExuBPDNPDw

[ForeverDad]

My ex too was very possessive, controlling and projecting in the early years.  Of course only after 8 years and the most recent order where she lost equal time during the school year.  Somehow I managed to lock down the "I'm available so I will take the kids after school until you are off work" tactics.  I managed that by getting the settled final decree to specify that daycare was the equivalent of school, not triggering ROFR or jeopardizing my control of my parenting time.  Can you do that?  By her inserting herself into your parenting time so forcefully, it is (1) sabotaging your parenting, (2) giving her additional opportunities to alienate and (3) forcing more confrontations due to the additional exchanges required to retrieve your son.

04/10/2008 -- #72650 - School / day care - mother threatens incident

05/04/2008 -- #73941 - Lessons learned: Residential Parent is important

By the way, my son was more or less not too influenced by my ex's attempts to distort history and reality about me... .until... .he started maturing a bit and thinking clearer, about age 9.  Yes, your son's age.  When I sought custody and a GAL was assigned, on the next return after with her he greeted me with the news, ":)addy, I want to keep 50% time with my mother!"  He was just old enough to start developing a sense of fairness and of course she manipulated him to think that was the fair thing to do.  Until then, all those years since age 3, he had always said he wanted more time with me.  In 2013 mother sought to have the magistrate meet our son, the first time a magistrate met him since we separated in 2005.  Even when speaking with the magistrate, he apparently was unable to voice what he felt since he was so influenced.  The magistrate wrote only how his demeanor and even eye contact was different when speaking of me than of his mother.

[scraps66]

Precisely what I intend to do though I understand the one signficant trip wire in my way - the weak court.

I had also discussed the "residential parent" stipulation with several L's but was met with a dead pan bewilderment.  The school kids go to is by my address and alwasy has been.  If we used ex's address they would go to a different school.  Didn't undestand why I couldn't get that understood.

[Matt]

School events, sports events, etc. - I think it's normal for both parents to attend if they want to.  If you try to tell her not to come to those events, I don't think that will work - she'll come anyway and you'll look like a jerk.  Just ignore her - you don't have to sit by her or talk to her.  (I say hello to my ex if we meet each other, but that's about it - I'm there for the kids not her.)

It sounds like you probably haven't found the right attorney.  Your attorney should understand things like the "residential parent" issue and why that might be important.  She should also be explaining to you what your options are and giving you solid recommendations based on experience in similar situations.  She may not have the right experience to help you.

I would suggest you not reply to her e-mail unless you decide it will be possible to come to an agreement with her.  If you don't think that is realistic, don't respond, but go over her note to see where she is coming from, and be prepared to discuss what you think is right for each of the issues she mentions.

The right solution might be for you to have primary custody and decision-making, but that might be a hard result to get quickly, unless you have very good evidence that your ex can't make sound decisions.  But you can probably make a good case around the before- and after-school care, since she violated the court order and there are professionals ready to help if she will back off.

But I'm not sure I understand that issue very clearly, and your ability to explain it might be super-important;  if the judge doesn't get what you're saying right away, she might turn off and just not deal with it.  Can you summarize - maybe with some bullet-points - exactly what the court order says, and exactly what you think would be best, and why?  Are you asking that the court order be changed, or enforced as it is?  What exactly are you asking the court to do?

[david]

Learn as much as you can about aspergers and stay focused on S9. If something is good for him that is the direction you need to take. Make sure , if you can, to get "experts" on your side. If you can have the T testify or have something in writing from the T that would probably help. If the M-W-F after school program was working then find a way to show that. If there wasn't enough time then you need to stress that with "experts". Does the before or after care have a program for aspergers in it ? Can that be incorporated into it if it doesn't ? Is there another program that does ?

Our current court order works for the most part. I am now seeking more time during the school year since ex's idea of helping the boys with their school work is to sink or swim. That method doesn't work as well as mine. I have two years of evidence and a custody eval that says the same. Two years is enough time for a change of circumstances in our court. During that time I have tried to communicate with ex, in emails, about their school work. It's all documented.

If you are going to reply to her email then stay focused on S9. Keep it short

[scraps66]

Just getting back to this and have done some thinking.

Matt, the activities issue from exScraps, I'm guessing she's just putting that in my ear to think about.  I haven't mentioned restricting her attendance to activities.  But, it does seem as if she attends when she knows it bothers me.  After our last conflict at one of my pickups I had told her to "keep her distance" when the boys were with me.  The very next baseball game for S7 she showed up and stayed the whole game talking to my neighbors.  Not a coincidence, especially considerinig she has not attended activities, other than school events, when I have the boys.  What has alos happened is when she does show up, she talks to the boys, in a few cases S9 would act up after she left and we went home.  Again, not coincidence I think.  S7 has also shown that he gets effected when his mom shows up and tried to draw attention to herself by cheering inordinatley loudly.  Enough on this, it's a losing issue.

As far as what needs to be changed, it's fairly simple.  My current order allows for, "mother to be able to pick up children from sitter or daycare on father's days after notifying father."  Of course I don't have the reciprocal caveat in the order.  What this has turned into is, mother getting a reduced scheduel job so she CAN pick up the boys on my days every day.  This has also grown into mother notifying school as to who will pick up kids on MY DAYS, without notifying me.  And, although infrequent, there have been numerous issues with pickups and mother starting and sustaining conflcit in front of the boys.  The last time straw that broke the camel's back she demanded to be able to get a "hug" before the boys left.  By this time I already had S9 in the car and S7 was mkaing his way to the car.  She CRAWLED INTO MY CAR and gave both boys the hug.  This just so happened to be S7's birthday and Ihad tried to pick them up at school to enjoy the afternoon, but she beat me to the punch.  The parting shot was, "No wonder they don't want to go with you!"  This same week I had two days of S9 flat our not going with me, throwing a fit in the driveway.

At the beginning of school she poisoned my idea of using before/after care on my days by shwoing up at school, the first day, and telling both teachers that she would be picking up.  I said no.  Then, that afternoon when the boys were in after care she showed up, made a scene with the principal and demanded the boys be released to her.  Bad.

As far as aftrer care goes, Ms. exScraps also has one day a week which she demands the boys go to PREP (CCD to us).  She has also told our Wrap Around Services counsleor that she is completely opposed to a M, W, F program for S9 between 4 and 6.  It's a group counsleing program.  I had floated the idea fo moving the Tuesday PREP class to the weekend, program available at another church, but she doens't feel "it is in S9's best interest" to move him because her parish has been soo good for S9.  She had moved them to her parish without telling me.  So, on one hand, provided she is in control of the after school program, it's"in S9's best interest."  Conditional.

I'm running out of time and options to do this for the coming school year.  Petition filed two weeks ago and still no court date.  It also has me thinking that just allowing Msexscraps to do as she wishes would be "easier" and cheaper for me, and a less hectic schedule.  However, I know that the first site of an issue, I will regret not pushing forward with the issue of pickups.  Clearly I can show that ex is not doing things good for S9. 

My other wildcard, the court.  I continue to have my reservations about going back to court based on my lack of success.  Most recenlty i went back to modify support.  I still had a daycare expenses of $394 in the order since Sept.  I had assumed, simple enough, I would just get a credit for that expenses.  Seems extremely logical, I had paid this money out that wasn't necessary.  Well, I landed in front of a master who I had no history with.  Apparenlty he has an axe to grind with most men that bless his conference room.  When I asked for the credit, he just said, "I can't do that."  My L had told me that had we been in front of another master, we likley would have gotten this credit back.  Not so here.

So, what L is also telling me, if I want to go after this psych eval, I will likley have to pay for it.  Regardless of the fact that the court transcript states that msexscraps would get her eval from Dr. X, the issued order did not stipulate a particular Dr. X.  So ex had a bogus eval done. 

what to do... .     

[livednlearned]

She is exceptionally good at flying right below the radar. That's really tough. She sounds high-functioning, and knows what to say and how to say it.

The issue I see is that it isn't clear how things are adversely affecting the kids. It's clear she isn't following the order, and has no regard for you, and that she's not afraid to throw a fit in front of teachers. It sounds like the two of you don't agree on what is best for the kids, which is common even in families that are still together. That probably won't go far with a judge.

If you want her to stop picking up the kids from school on your days, you could file a motion for contempt. The judge will say to her, Cut it out. She won't comply. You file another motion for contempt. It goes on. Each time, the judge will get a little more irritated. The non-compliance will get some attention, but you won't get much traction unless at that time you ask for something else, like legal custody or something, which I found is not that easy to get, at least where I live.

If you want to get legal custody AND stop her from picking up the kids, then you might have to get some affadavits or testimony from the counselor to say that this therapy is critical to S9's ability to do well. Maybe something from the principal or from teachers as well.

Basically, you have to get a bunch of people or documents to show the judge how she is preventing the kids from getting what they need. Modifying custody usually requires substantive criteria, meaning that big things have happened since the order was entered. And I worry that the judge will turn to you and ask why you "let" her pick the kids up all this time, and suddenly it's not ok.

Sorry you're dealing with this. In some ways, it's harder when the other parent is high-functioning and plays the "good parent" role when they are the furthest thing from it.

[scraps66]

So , went to court for the Petition.

I think all in all I did OK.  But, as with msot of my trips to court, I feel adequate controls and/or consequences were not handed out.

The Master we were in front of is new, younger, maybe not even a lawyer and a political apointee.  He has no experience in family court according to my L.  That said, I think he did a fair job of hearing obth sides, but more experience would have been helpful.

I had several issues in my Petition:

1.   Mother has been making pickups at school onmy parentig days.  She does this despite what the Order says, she needs to notify me if doing so.  She doesn’t, now notifies school each day of who picks up children, etc.  Of course this has lead to conflicts at pickups, children not wanting to go with me, BPD etc., etc.

I give several examples of this, the conflict, the games, encroaching on my time, etc.  As with most interactiosn with MsexScraps, we waste a lot of time with crazy, disjointed communication in front of the Master, clarifying ex’s distortions, etc.

The resolution was, “hey, if you’re doing this MsexScraps, stop.”  OK, one slap to the hand.

During this we also get to something that has happened lately.  S9 is diagnsoed with asperger’s, and we have a Wrap Aroudn Svc consultant working with us.  She has met with both of us individually.  I had asked about after school prgorams for S9, she mentions a M, W, F program between 4 and 6pm.  Mentions she already mentioend this to ex.  I say, this sounds like a good program, not knowing the detaisl, but the consultant said it was and that was good enough for me.  The consultant tells me that ex already hesitated when hearing of this program, then, after she heard that I was interested I the prgoram, ex was “completely opposed.”

I bring this up in front of the Master.  Now ex claims she knows nothing of the program.  Also, her wind bag dramatic attorney comes up with questions, “where is the program do we know it’s good and…….Ms. Ex Scraps is now certified as a special ed. Teacher and she would know.”  To which I said, about the special ed., “what does tha mean?”  I get the dramatic response from the L, “excuse me?”  Couldn’t say what I wanted to say.

Since we consumed a lot of time wading thru ex’s BS, we didn’t get to address the few, four, issues I put in the Petition.

During this one issues, and with the Master asking why things were going wrong – date os separation 9/2008, he asks if we had gone to coparent counseling.  i say that the original Master had sentenced us to this, we went, Ex showed up for 15 minutes, and left.  Ex’s explanation, “he just started bringing up the past and being belligerent,” the report I had from the counselor said, “when Mr. Scraps started to voice his concern, Ms. Ex Scraps got up and walked out, never made her follow-up appt. despite being contacted.”

OK, slap on the hands number 2, “you guys have to do co-parent counseling.”  I had also ex-plained that at this time, way back, was when I was trying to get, then S5, some help with his behavior.  Ex resisted, and I filed a Petition because there was disagreement between parties about getting now S9 help.  At the same time, ex had said that we could discuss that in coparent counseling.  So I now see this pattern fo behavior, she did not want to discuss or agree with the therapy for S9 back then,m so she sabotaged coparent cousnleing.  She didn’t particiapte in coparent counseling and in doing so achieved her goal of not having to address therapy for S9 – four years ago. 

It was also during that time that the Master, sensing disagreement aned something amiss, back in 2010, that she instructed us both to get “psychologicals.” 

2.   My issue number two.  Despite three trisp back to court, contempt and motion to enforce, Ex had not gottena proper psychological evaluation.  This was handled poorly both by court and my previous attorney.  Though both our Petition, and the court transcript stated and disucssed us both suing the same Dr., the Dr. I used for my psychological, the Order issued by the court did not stipulate  aspecific Dr.

Ex found some local psycholgist with not court experience to manaufacture a bogus report.  Lies and distortiosn throughout the report and she didn’t even have the sense to do the same tests.

We bring this up, my L had told me that this was a reach even if I paid for a real evaluation and that, “this courthouse and the system it uses, sucks.”

This was pretty much the case.  The Master did his own diagnosis, “you both seema nd look to be smart people and that there don’t appear to be any psychological problems with either of you.”

OK, no psychological for her.  The Master would also add in, when instructing me to use first name for Ms. Ex Scraps, that he, “liked” her, that she seems nice my ex.  Ahh.

3.    There were toher issues I brought up, scheduleing of activites on my time, and givnig the kdis privacy during phone calls. 

Master also asked if we “trade” time with the kids.  I expalined that desptie the occasions I gave up my time, Ex never reciprocated and would always insist, if she gave me my time back, that I traded for some day in the future. A “trade” of two nights back for Ex, and one night back for me.  Typical win-lose outcome, or what I call, “BP only wins if someone else loses.”

The only criticism I got, be a little less sensitive.

The real good outcome of this, I think, is the co-parent counselor.  My L suggested the name and I talked to him at legth.  Impressive resume with a lot of expereince and he seems stern.  After our hearing, I felt it necessary to tell our Wrap Around Consultant what happened because I ahd discussed some of these issues with her, and had also presented Ex’s posture with the after school program for S9.  Well, when I talk to her, ex had already contacted her voicing her displeasure with what Ex had heard in court, bascially she was upset that she lied in court, got caught, and now she was reprimanding the consultant. 

But, the wrap around consultant knows the coparent counselro and tells me that he is “excellent” and will tell Ex what she is doing wrong and how it effects the kids.  This is a good thing and was worth my expense, but I still have concerns.

The Master gave us instructions to see this counselor four times and then come back to court on 9/26.  Difficult to do given Ex’s three weeks of vacation with kids the month of August,start of school, etc.  I talk to the coparent Dr., he suggest two visits, the first with the kdis and both parents, the second with just parents, and then he was evaluate whether he thinks he can help, or not. 

So I need to make sure I have a proper game plan for these sessions.  My fear is let’s say it doesn’t work, and he even says it’s because of Ex, my fear is going back to court is still not good for me from what I ahd heard from the Master about ex.  She’s “nice” and he also stated that “relisting” your case, re-evaluating custody, may not be good because he is not a “50/50 guy, but he is an EOW guy” because somenoe has to be in the lead even with a 50/50 arrangement.  He’s already biased.

Sorry this is long but I got on a roll.         

[david]

I recently finished up a custody eval. I had a paper already written out with all the issues I needed addressed for our kids. It was on two pages. I also had the most convincing evidence underneath that. I tried to keep it brief. I made sure every issue was addressed this way.

When ex went off attacking me I simply waited my turn. The evaluator did put a stop to ex's rambling so that was a plus. He also would ask me, sometimes, to address ex's concerns. Most of the time I simply stated that it was not true. If ex ranted after that I let her and the evaluator did to some degree. I stayed calm and focused on the issues. I think that was what the eval was looking for. Ex never addressed the issues about the boys. She blamed them and me and never took any responsibility. I didn't blame anyone and did not try to argue with ex.                Example, ex blamed our oldest for not doing his homework at her place. My reply was that I couldn't do anything about that since I was not there. I went on that if I had more time I would be able to address the issue better. All I needed was more time.

A concern of mine was that our youngest did over 90 % of his homework when with me and I had less time. Ex stated that she already did 4th grade school work and she had no intention of doing it again. I replied that I didn't mind having him do all his work when with me but I didn't think it fair for him to do it with the time now given to me. I needed more time.

My major issue was I needed more time to help them. I made sure that I always included that as a the solution.

Ex then turned around and said that she wanted more of the summer so I would gert more time on a yearly basis. I replied that the summer schedule (50/50) has been in place for at least three years and there never was an issue so I saw no reason to change that. OUr summer schedule is week on / week off. Ex complained she wanted longer stretches in the summer and I refused. I pointed out that I had an email at home that addressed this issue and I agreed to modify the schedule provided we maintained 50/50. She said I was lying. I offered to bring the email at the next meeting. By then the eval had her figured out and said that was not needed.

Basically, I had a lot of mud thrown at me and I remained calm and focused on the issues I had written down. I wrote it weeks before the first meeting and read it quite a few times. It was etched in my brain.

[scraps66]

At one point during the hearing ex started talking about what my problem was, with her, "... .I took his son out ot buy him father's day gifts becaseu S9 asked to and I got no thanks for that and... .blah, blah, blah... .," and then she turned on the tears.  She did take the kids out for Father's Day gifts - probably spent nearly $100 on me!  Totally fabricated so she could say that and accuse me of being some unfeeling letch.  And, why would you take the kid out because HE asked, wouldn't you teach him good manners, "S9, let's go out and get your dad some Father's Day gifts, he would like that coming from you." 

One good thing about having a L with you, they notice things that you don't.  She told me after that she didn't think the master was "impressed" with her tears.

[Matt]

So Scraps... .

What is the end game you are aiming at?  That is, what (reasonably likely) outcome to all this are you hoping for?

And what steps can you take now - given that your ex isn't going to become a different kind of person, and the court system isn't going to recognize that she is broken - what are Step 1, Step 2, etc. to get from where you are to where you want to be?

[scraps66]

I was OK leaving the hearing knowing that this may give S9 a better chance at getting consistent help.  The big concern with that is mother messing with him and trying to control his treatment and she herself not being mentally fit to be that person.  So the coparent counselro can help with that I’m thinking.  This may end up being a better outcome than I thought.

S9’s behavior has been so bad that I am not able to use school before/after care due to his behavior.  I cannot take him to the gym because he gets kicked out of kid care every tie I try to go, etc, etc.  He has few friends, none around my house.

Step 1 is get through coparent counseling.  The Master insisted on four appts., the counselor said we’d start with two and then evaluate.  If he thinks he can’t help based on what he hears, he will say so and why.  If not, we move forward.

For this step I need to be careful and if it doesn’t work, make sure it’s not due to me.

Step 2, make corrections based on Step 1 results.  That could mean going back to court and stating the same things over, but now with a report from a credible coparent counselor. 

We also have the start of school in between which has always been rough for S9, and motehr is trying to do some things off on her own tangent that are not consistent with school, the IEP, or plans with the wrap around consultant.

She is exhbiting distance now because things are not progressing as she wants and more people are involved.  Historically this has resulted in sabotaging plans of others by Msexscraps.   

[david]

Make sure you are documenting everything. Names, dates, etc. Whatever the school says, the IEP says, etc and everything that ex is doing to go against all the recommendations that is not in the childs best interest.

Also be able to show what you are doing to follow and work with the professional recommendations. Stay factual and focused on S9. No opinions just the facts.

[Matt]

S9's behavior is pretty far outside "normal" - sorry to use that term but I'm just a layman and I think all 9-year-old boys break the rules from time to time, but what you're describing is pretty rare I think.  It's a problem that needs to be addressed.

And it sounds like all the conflict between the parents, and the confusing legal process, is delaying getting him the help he needs.

Let's look at it another way.  Suppose there was no Mom, and the court wasn't involved in any way - you're free to do what you think is best for S9.  Then what would you do?

For example, would you get on the phone right now, today, and find him the best, most qualified counselor you could, and make a weekly appointment, to accelerate the time when he'll be able to control his behavior better?

Would you visit the school, and talk again with the counselor there, and figure out the best way to help S9?

Or is there something else you would do that you think would help him?

[david]

Following Matts thoughts is what the courts , evaluators, etc want to see. You tried coparenting and that did not work so you went with a different plan and figured out how to work around the obstacle in front of you and S9. It took me a few years to get to a point where I could do that on a pretty consistent basis. That helped our boys more than anything else. They gravitated to me because they realized I was on their side and was helping them. Once they opened up and started confiding things got easier for all of us. I believe they figured out how to deal with their mom and work around her when with her.

The school took time to figure things out but once they saw who was helping the boys and who was doing things that made no sense things got easier there too. Eventually the school decided to contact me without ex, make a plan of action, and then they would contact mom without me with "their" recommendation. Ex pretty much went along with the school from that point on since I was not involved as far as she could see. When I first proposed that to the school they thought I was a little looney but they had already seen two years of no progress. They tried it and it worked. The second time the principal actually called me and said "Mr david I really don't know what is going on but it is working so lets just keep things the way they are now."

[livednlearned]

Ugh. How frustrating. Hang in there.

The coparenting counselor could become an important ally -- but probably won't be able to get your ex to comply. Still, I found that a third-party professional who saw first hand what I had to deal with made a big difference in court. It sounds like your Special Master is guilty of thinking that this is an issue of squabbling parents, and is treating it as such. The coparent counselor can tip things in your favor if you document everything. If the counselor won't appear in court, maybe he/she can write an affadavit. "I cannot work with this case because I found the mother to be resistant all attempts to minimize conflict." Or whatever.

Another tactic might be to get as many conversations documented in email as possible, if you haven't already. You need to show a pattern of professionals recommending that S9's behavior is severe, and a pattern of your ex sabotaging the right kinds of care. Since she is a special ed teacher, then you'll have to double your efforts. Get everyone involved you can -- she needs her refusal to look weird. This is the tactic I used in my case, and it took some times but we finally got here. First, the PC had to testify that N/BPDx was seriously difficult. Then I had to have a hearing for sole custody to show that despite what these professionals were saying, N/BPDx sabotaged the process here and here and here and here and here and here. In my hearing, N/BPDx dug in his heels until it was plain surreal, and then the judge asked him what, if not these solutions, was N/BPDx proposing? N/BPDx literally sputtered. He had not once for a minute even thought about support for N/BPDx. The judge had asked him, "It says that S13 is to receive computer accommodations in class when there is a long writing assignment. Are you not in favor of S13 receiving these accommodations?" N/BPDx said something like, "I don't believe he should receive special treatment for a fabricated diagnosis." It went on like that for a while, with the judge asking him, "Are you suggesting that the three Phd counselors and the MD psychiatrist are fabricating the diagnosis?"

I admit, it felt good to hear the judge point out the lunacy in N/BPDx's thinking.

Email became my best friend. I had a lot of emails from me to N/BPDx and Ms. Teacher, Ms. Guidance Counselor, Mr. Principal, Mr. Teacher, Dr. Psychiatrist. N/BPDx would figure out my angle and obstruct it in every single email. Then I walked into court and spent an hour or so sharing the emails with the court.

I hope you have a good lawyer. Sometimes who can set this up in a way that your ex's lawyer can not defend against.

[scraps66]

Thanks for the input, all.

Matt, as you write, yes, I would get S9 to the best care availalbe.  I tried this awhile back as ex waited for Wrap Arounds ervices to get through the red tape.  A colleague of mine has a severe case son who uses a particular Dr. in my area.  I had sent this to ex as a suggestion.  We only had wrap around services because I had tried taking S9 to therapy with or without ex's consent.  She would not go along, had to be something she suggested.  So then, and only then - after i tried to do something, did she take action.  Now, with things not going exactly as she thknks they should, she is backgin out and nto participating with me and the wrap around counsleor.  Maybe this is OK, provided she doesn't try to sabotage.

I have the prevalent pattern of ex just simply wanting to do somethign counter to what I suggest.  Rgith now, S9 has a full-time aid in school.  Ex "claism" that S9 is complaingin of the aid - I know he is not - but this is a case where ex "thinks" if she can make the situation look like S9 is jsut fine - like having no aid - then he is fine.  Not so, but from a teisted perspective.  Ex's way of dealing with this is, demand that the aid goes.  School will not agree to this, me and the wrap aroujnd consultant have told her that they won't go for that, and we disucssed it at the end of the school year in the latest IEP revision.  Ex went along with the disucssions to re-evaluate the aid six weeks into the school year, but then a month later started working on the wrap around consultant to elimiante the aid.  she's told, it won't happen.  She then enlists S9 to disucss this with his summer social skills teacher,s tells me that he's talking to her aobut the aid.  I ask the social skills teacher, she says he hasn't brought it up.  So, ex is enlisting S9 to get her own way.  This is the ridiculousness of dealing with her.

LnL, my L, oh my L, again!  Beginning to wonder if i have one up for the challenge.  I'm on a small retainer which may be an issue.  But, my L seems to be stucin the "this courthouse sucks" mentality.  Office close to the courthouse, she is not in the click, but she is close enough that she doesn't seem to want to ruffle feathers.  I left this last hearing, not entirely in a bad mod, but upon reflection, i was wondering why I have an attorney.  I made the majority of the points and counter points in the hearing.  But, I do know a L is needed, the mere treatement of a pro Se litigant as much different in my courthouse.

My take on my courthouse, it's ripe for slug lawyers to make a living and the real ones that know and practice law, get short shrift.  The lack of experience and incompetence, and these qualifications repalced with bias, corruption and favoritism, make it difficult for real L's to work there.

The Master did say that he felt he needed to get to know this case better so this was at least a decent observation.  One that will be takne care of with coparent counseling and another visit on 9/26 to the courthouse. 

[david]

It sounds like the master may need some of the documents too showing how ex is hampering progress. In my area the master will write something for the judge to read. They usually don't make a recommendation outright but what they write between the lines does guide the judge. Staying focused in that meeting and making sure you cover all the bases may be helpful. You probably don't want to overwhelme but you do want the major points covered thoroughly so there is no misunderstanding. Also, learn to listen to clues that the master is convinced on that point and then move to the next point. You can give him/her all the additional info. I did that at the custody eval and that seemed to work very well.

[david]

Another thing I have learned. When my ex disagrees because she has to disagree with me I have asked her what she thinks is best. She has nothing and it becomes obvious to everyone present when that has happened except ex. She is caught up in her own stuff.

[livednlearned]

Another thing I have learned. When my ex disagrees because she has to disagree with me I have asked her what she thinks is best. She has nothing and it becomes obvious to everyone present when that has happened except ex. She is caught up in her own stuff.

That has been true for me too.

A strategy in court can be: I'm here with this reasonable proposal that all of these professionals have said they are on board with. My son cannot participate in afterschool because of behavioral reasons. His teachers say this. His principal says this. His counselor says this. The coparenting therapist says this. I am proposing that, with your honor's help, we get a court order to provide this reasonable therapy for my son. If in a year, there are no improvements in his behavior, son's mother can come before court with a plan.

Does that make sense? It's you focusing on your son and the professionals involved. But it's also you saying to the judge. I know you're a big important guy with a tough job and you see a lot of people here who want you to solve their problems. I'm different. I'm a guy with a reasonable solution, with input from third-party professionals and a good contingency plan with consequences if it doesn't work.

The judge wants you to hand him a good plan on a silver platter and then he wants to look at it and say, "This looks well thought out and it's reasonable."

Your ex is just a person in the court room making things difficult, and doesn't have any solutions. She can't fight against a reasonable solution because it just makes her look like a high-conflict person.

That's the strategy you want going forward. You and your plan before the judge. Everything else is noise.

[Matt]

Yeah, this is the approach that worked for me - just as LnL, David and everybody is suggesting - "A man with a plan."

When my ex was complaining and criticizing and accusing;  and her lawyer was arguing;  my lawyer coached me to listen politely, and take notes, and let everybody say what they would... .

... .and then stand up and address the whole room, and "sell" everyone on a sensible plan.  "What I'm hearing is that Mrs. Matt doesn't want Such-And-Such, because of such-and-such reasons;  and Ms. Ex'sL says we should avoid So-And-So;  and I have suggested we avoid Whatchamacallit for reasons I have explained.  But what if we did X?  That would be best for the kids because of Reason 1, and Reason 2, and Reason 3;  and it would avoid Such-And-Such, and So-And-So and Whatchamacallit.  We could do X right away if the court agrees - the cost is small and I would be willing to pay it so we could settle this issue and move on."

Making eye contact with everybody, and pretending to be seeking everybody's approval, even your ex's - as if you value her approval the same as the judge's and both attorneys'.

You don't have to be glib or eloquent, if your thoughts are clear and address all the key points.  You will get the benefit of the doubt because you are trying to solve the problem and putting forward a constructive idea, and speaking moderately and respectfully to everyone present.

My batting average in situations like this - with coaching and support from my attorney - was 100% - every single time we came to a difficult point, and put forward a sensible solution in this manner, the other side said OK, or maybe offered some small variation on my proposal which I could agree to.

[david]

A few years ago ex filed her second protection order against me. It was bs but I had to go to court. EX accused me of threatening her when I picked the boys up at her place. I had a problem that when I picked them up she would not let me have the boys school bags. She was keeping it away from me for whatever reason she had. Anyway, I was in front of the judge and ex decided to withdraw her petition. I immediately chimed in with a partial solution. My atty pointed out that if I picked the boys up at their school I would be a few miles away from her residence and could not threaten her. That eliminated 50% of the times I could threaten her. The judge liked the idea and looked right at ex and asked her what she thought. She was smart enough to agree. I had my atty write the modification up right there so all could sign it. I figured once she was out of the courtroom she would not sign it or agree. She signed it there, I signed it, and the judge signed it to make it an order.

The first time I went to pick the boys up at school they were already informed by their mom that I was not allowed to pick them up at school. I had a copy of the order and took the boys from that point on at their school. Ex tried to change it but never could give a reasonable answer as to why.

I had anticipated ex's moves before they occured and had a solution ready. I don't normally anticipate things so well but every time I did it has always worked in my favor. I have noticed that the more detached (emotionally) from her the better I have been at responding like this. Her false allegations used to throw me off and I would not be able to respond that well. We had a custody eval recently and I noticed she is still caught up in the same mode of operation and I have moved on. It made all the difference in the eval when we were both together.