Coping with depression in my wife

[Grey Kitty]

My wife is severely depressed: For a few days, cannot get up out of bed; often cannot even answer a simple question from me, rejects most anything that might make her feel better, and is talking about how to avoid suicide. (She asked me to hide some leftover prescription pain pills so she wouldn't research how much she needed to take for a fatal OD).

She is also getting back to being hurt by most things I do (or don't do), and projecting her own feelings of worthlessness and judgments about herself onto me... . more like the "good old days" that sent me to this website in the first place. (I had considered her healed/recovered from BPD)

She has had a lower grade depression, withdrawing from friends and family, having trouble concentrating on stuff, etc. for months.

My question: Is it normal for me to be distracted and have trouble doing much else besides worry about her/care for her under these circumstances?

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[byfaith]

Yes it is normal for you to feel distracted. My wife deals with chronic depression and I seem to be distracted most days so from a person that loves someone who deals with depression, yes it is normal. Sorry you are both going through this.

[Grey Kitty]

Thanks. One of the common fights when she was depressed prior times was that she expected me to continue as if nothing was going on while she was feeling depressed.

I always thought that this was some of the twisted logic that depressed (or BPD) people feel, rather than something valid.

OTOH, I do *try* to be as functional as I can be at times like this.

[123Phoebe]

Aw, Grey Kitty

Any kind of suicide talk would freak me out, so I think the way you're feeling is really normal.  Has she ever been *this* depressed before?

I'm really sorry you're both experiencing this 

[an0ught]

Hi GreyKitty,

the potential for some episodes is always there . Don't think it goes back to where it was but it sure will trigger those memories and that could be part of what you are feeling.

My question: Is it normal for me to be distracted and have trouble doing much else besides worry about her/care for her under these circumstances?

Suicide talk is never taken lightly by partner and I've been feeling similar in the past. Feeling normal would probably not being normal.

Not being able to get out of bed and answering questions sounds pretty bad and possibly more than what we generally have here. Could be even a clinical depression which may respond to medication - is she seeing a doctor?

[zaqsert]

Hi Grey Kitty,

I'm sorry the two of you are going through this.    

I also agree that it is entirely normal to feel as you do.  I hope she will accept help from those who can help (doctor or therapist maybe?).

A couple of thoughts, if I may.

First, remember to continue taking care of yourself.  I know you know this.  You've given us that advice lots of times.  And it can be easy to forget when you're in the middle of it.  Please remember to take care of yourself.  When you are in as good shape as possible (rested, fed, exercised, etc., to whatever extent possible), then you can take even better care of your wife.  And taking care of yourself can also give you the stamina to take care of her for longer periods of time if needed.

This next one is what I would try.  But I would readily defer to others who have more experience with depression.  The last time my wife seemed depressed enough to barely get out of bed, I was deeply enmeshed and doing all the wrong things.

My thought here is that while caring for our pwBPD who is depressed, I can imagine it would be easy to relax some of the lessons that we had put in place to make things better.  While I trust you will be there for her, the depression and depressed feelings are hers, not yours.  Sorry, I realize this can sound cold.  It's not meant that way, rather it's a reminder that you can be there for her, but you can't change her feelings or mood.  I imagine also that in some stages of depression it could be possible to relax lessons and backtrack on the progress that you and your wife made over the years.  Regarding this one, you will probably have to figure out what feels right to you.

Wishing you and your wife a smooth and easy road to recovery.  And sending you another hug.   

[Grey Kitty]

  Thanks for the support and reassurance, all of you!

Today is another day. I asked her to rate her depression today on a 1/10 scale, and she said around 6 or 7.

The conversation continued--Being unable to answer a simple question (Would you like me to turn the lights out or leave them on) is a 9/10 for her... . and actively thinking about suicide is 10/10. Yesterday and the day before were at those levels.

She also has mentioned that she's been having episodes like this for ~30 years (longer than I've known her). Happens somewhere between once every couple years and a couple times a year, at least at this severity.

The good news is that for the last couple years, I've done a lot of work on myself, and realized that it is HERS, not mine. The better news is that this time she is realizing the same thing--that this isn't something caused by me, anybody else, external circumstances, etc.

OTOH, external circumstances are NOT helping--we're again living in an isolated place with nearly zero local friends... . partly because she has been too depressed to engage with anybody, and pretty much rejects human contact from almost anybody here.

I have been telling her that I can support her, but I don't have the training to really work on this stuff with her--she needs more professional help than I can offer. She does agree... . but we're having trouble finding good solutions.

It seems that the easiest entry point into any sort of mental health system here is an ER, and that obviously doesn't appeal. She probably would be evaluated as needing something if she was non-communicative, unable to do anything and admitted to thinking of suicide. But today she's *almost* holding it together (6~7/10), which could easily result in waiting for hours in the ER and being sent home with nothing to show for it. Plus it is generally unpleasant and embarrassing. And who knows the quality--the nearest ER has ZERO resources for mental health--I called to ask, and they said that they have someone on call who can do evaluations (I think in the next town ~45 minutes away)... . who can refer a patient someplace else.

[zaqsert]

I'm really glad to hear that both you and your wife are handling the situation better than you had in past times through this.  Still, I can see that it must be tough.

Is there any way you can get help directly from whomever might be in the next town?

[Grey Kitty]

Update: Progress & improvements

Today my wife had an intial session with some sort of T, has an appointment with a psychiatrist (to prescribe some sort of meds, most likely), another session with him scheduled, and a diagnosis.

I might have lost a few formal words, but the diagnosis is moderate recurring depression, including catatonic and melancholy features, and panic (non-agoraphobic).

No Axis 2 diagnosis (i.e. no BPD), which isn't a big surprise--I saw at least 5~7 out of 9 DSM characteristics when I showed up here, but they are much milder and fewer now.

We've also got a plan for her to head back where we have insurance (network coverage there; ER only here) and out of our somewhat difficult living situation in less than two weeks. I'll be following her in another few weeks for our summer plans.

We're both coping better right now. Part of that is her "normal" pattern--she has had bouts of depression like this before, and after hitting a particularly low point, she recovers. What is new (the post-BPD version of my wife) is that this time she realizes that the depression isn't caused by external things (especially me!) and isn't lashing out at them (especially me!). It is making treatment seem easier and more feasible.

Side note: Whether my wife ever had BPD or BPD characteristics or not... . the tools I learned here and the support I found in this community led to huge improvements. I'm so glad I've been here!

[zaqsert]

Hi Grey Kitty,

Very glad to hear! 

Thanks for posting the update.