Restraining Order Hearing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,
I have a restraining order hearing coming up on the 28th my ex UBPD possibly with other complications has made a bunch of false allegations against me mostly for financial gain to control the house and now my lawyer believes for revenge for not paying all of her outstanding legal bills with her husband who she was suing before I met her and during our relationship.
 
1/ I’ve never been to court before

2/I have not seen my ex since she filed the TRO  our relationship was a little rocky but I did have no idea she was going to file a restraining order. She gave no indications because she was love bombing me and trying to get me back in the relationship.
 
3/ I’m trying to figure out how to deal with her in the city  room setting with anyone has been in court ,how am I supposed to deal with this ?

4/ I know she’s hurt and I know she’s lashing out I know she’s confused she’s been 5150and apparently is on heavy medication now and believes the story she’s made up about me being and her words ‘the worst man in the world’

Any Advice on how to conduct myself in court should I look at her or not ?
 I’m going to answer all questions truthfully I have a good lawyer but I’m suffering from some anxiety.  This woman put me and my daughter from the home I bought us ( I put her on title )! taken rest of my energy and money over the last three years I still have feelings for her it’s going  be difficult to be in a court  room how do you deal with a situation like this ?

I asked her to go to therapy with me through my Lawyer and said I’d pay for it for a year once a week she turned me down.

[Blueberry Cat]

Hello,
I have a restraining order hearing coming up on the 28th my ex UBPD possibly with other complications has made a bunch of false allegations against me mostly for financial gain to control the house and now my lawyer believes for revenge for not paying all of her outstanding legal bills with her husband who she was suing before I met her and during our relationship.
 
1/ I’ve never been to court before

2/I have not seen my ex since she filed the TRO  our relationship was a little rocky but I did have no idea she was going to file a restraining order. She gave no indications because she was love bombing me and trying to get me back in the relationship.
 
3/ I’m trying to figure out how to deal with her in the city  room setting with anyone has been in court ,how am I supposed to deal with this ?

4/ I know she’s hurt and I know she’s lashing out I know she’s confused she’s been 5150and apparently is on heavy medication now and believes the story she’s made up about me being and her words ‘the worst man in the world’

Any Advice on how to conduct myself in court should I look at her or not ?
 I’m going to answer all questions truthfully I have a good lawyer but I’m suffering from some anxiety.  This woman put me and my daughter from the home I bought us ( I put her on title )! taken rest of my energy and money over the last three years I still have feelings for her it’s going  be difficult to be in a court  room how do you deal with a situation like this ?

I asked her to go to therapy with me through my Lawyer and said I’d pay for it for a year once a week she turned me down.

[maxsterling]

1)  Follow the lead and coaching of your L
2)  Answer questions, but do not volunteer anything that is not asked.  Work on facts, don't guess, suppose, or offer anything
3)  Be pleasant, polite, and respectful, to the Judge, to her L, and to her.  You don't want to give any display of vindictiveness or anger.
4)  Know that things may not go your way, and if they don't there will always be another day.

pwBPD show their true selves eventually.  It may take patience on your end.

[BigOof]

Don't agree to any temporary arrangement to placate her. They become permanent arrangements. However, have your lawyer reach out and see if they'll do civil restraints - these are completely bogus and unenforceable, but give the pwBPD the validation they want.

[kells76]

Agreed with everything the previous posters have suggested.

When in doubt, it's OK to pause and not say anything. You can look at your lawyer for cues. Your lawyer may help you by saying something (for example, making an objection, etc).

Really listen to and hear the words being said in questions being asked of you. Then allow yourself a moment to understand what is really being asked.

For example, in a typical situation, if someone asks me "Do you know what time it is?", I'll say "Oh yes, I do, just a minute, let me check, OK it's 3pm".

In a legal setting, listen to and understand the question. "Do you know what time it is?" is a Yes-Or-No question. So, don't volunteer extra information, as maxsterling pointed out. Just say Yes or No. It's OK to not "try to help" by saying more. You will help yourself the most by saying the least, would be my guess.

If you think you might be hit with a question you don't understand, or that might be a "trap", talk with your L ahead of time about what to do. Again, you can pause and look at your L for potential guidance or intervention.

You don't have to interact with your ex in the courtroom at all. She may or may not try to elicit a reaction from you. You are allowed to not look at her and to not talk directly with her. If you notice yourself feeling overwhelmed or your anxiety rising, give yourself a moment to focus on your breathing. I

Although it may be stressful leading up to and during that day, reassure yourself that you will NOT be alone in that room, and you will not be alone with your ex. Your L will be there advocating for you. If anxiety strikes, you can look at your L and remember that s/he is going to bat for you and knows the truth.

Keep us in the loop on how you're doing;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Beware that her lawyer (or prosecutor) is likely to try to make you appear to be a controller.  Do not make any statement that might support that strategy.  Here's what I did to avoid such a conflict, though I admit it was unintentional...

One of her lawyer's first attempts were to cast me as a controller.  He started with whether I was larger than my spouse.  (Duh, we're both larger than our preschooler, so what?  Should the child be protected from both of us?)  He next question was a trick one.  Do I want her back?  I replied, "Not the way she is."  Good thing I said that or otherwise he might have turned to the magistrate and claim, "See?  He wants to control her again!"

Sure we all wanted our spouse back — fixed of course — nothing wrong with that... except that opens up claims we are controllers, abusers, whatever.  Let the problem person go.  Just like we'd not try to hold onto a snapping turtle, far too much danger.

Remember the story of the scorpion and the frog crossing the stream?  Once across, scorpion stings the frog, saying, "You knew what I was and what I do."

I was married and had no choice but to go though the long process of divorce, for me it was two years.

When my ex sought a protection order, my lawyer asked me, "Do you want to be in contact with her?  I said No! and so he said his goal was to have us walk out with a non-renewable order for us both to keep away from the other.  It wasn't her protected from me, it was both of us keeping apart.  Equal terms.  The court and lawyers decided it would be until the next mid-winter holidays, less than a year.  It worked... she got her mini-victory, I avoided being blamed and it ended before the end of the year.

It was a negotiated agreement which the judge approved, not a ruling or decision from the judge after testimony at a hearing.

[Blueberry Cat]

We offered her a non-klutz stay away order she does not want that.
  She’s out for vengeance using the legal system against me I did leave her I abandoned her and I think it made her very triggered but I didn’t realize how bad it was going to get thank you for your good ideas and support I really appreciate it.
  I looked for my lawyer today that she’s trying to get her daughter to be on the stand he’s nine years old saying they put her in a chokehold which of course I never did.
  As far as who is the larger it’s her I’m five 9 1/2 and she’s five 11 3/4 LOL.
  I need to stay strong and calm in court today she just filed 50 more allegations against me all of them completely fictitious I think she’s having a hard time.   
  Have you ever experienced someone getting a restraining order and then making more  allegations to try to get one put in jail ?
 

[kells76]

Have you ever experienced someone getting a restraining order and then making more  allegations to try to get one put in jail ?

Sadly we hear about that kind of frequently here on Family Law. I guess the plus side is that you are not alone and this is a place where you don't have to "prove" to people that it isn't true that "well if she made that many accusations, probably some are true?" Yeah, nope.

she just filed 50 more allegations against me

The timing of that can work to your advantage.

Am I recalling right that for most of your relationship, she did not involve the authorities? Only when you separated did she escalate?

The fact that it's *only now* that she is making all these allegations should say something about her true motivations.

Re: her trying to get her 9-year-old daughter on the stand to say you put her (the child, if I'm understanding?) in a chokehold:

Again... if this really happened, then there would be a police record of it.

If there is no police record of it, then "if it happened" it means she is not a good mother, for (a) hearing that her daughter was hurt, (b) not doing anything about it, and (c) staying with you.

See what I mean?

You are wise to look to your L for stability and a solid plan as all this stuff gets thrown at you. Staying nonreactive and 110% goal focused will get you through. All that energy and anxiety around her crazy allegations -- see if you can channel that towards smart tactics and executing a strategy.

Glad you are leaning on the group here, too, to make it through. This stuff is excruciating and exhausting.

[ForeverDad]

Something your lawyer may not have considered:
Does she have a history of filing legal grievances or allegations against her former BFs or husbands?  Most of this would be public records in whichever counties or jurisdictions she has resided in.

Your lawyer ought to know how to make such searches.  (You can even yourself scour some county court indexes.  Or try criminalsearches.com?)  If there are records of her making prior allegations against her ex-relationships then you could ponder whether to claim she has a HISTORY of painting her past relationships as bad "after they're over".

[Blueberry Cat]

She only came up with these accusations after it was completely clear that I had left the relationship for the month prior to that what she was sending me love letters and bringing me lunch and trying to get back together with me and coming to look for me but when is blatantly obvious I could not live with her anymore she filed a restraining order against me to take control of the house that I bought with her and put her on the title 50-50 10 months he lived in that house and I had to make all the payments and I wasn’t allowed to get any of my possessions it’s cost me tremendously.
   
Her ex-husband has been talking to me and she has been after him in court,
Just last week they had a Alimony case it didn’t go away and she’s been Facebook Ing all of his friends telling him that what a “douche bag he is”

I’m in shock  been 10 months  but you know I’ve never had anything like this in my life I’ve lived  a squeaky clean life and I’ve just lost my home and a lot of my money and I’m losing my self-esteem also

[BigOof]

Have you ever experienced someone getting a restraining order and then making more allegations to try to get one put in jail?

Yup, multiple times. Get a body camera. Wear it at all times with your children. They cost $89 on Amazon. Saved me tens of thousands in legal fees.

[GaGrl]

Have fun you provided the letters she wrote to you to your lawyer? They are part of the story.

Your lawyer should be able to use any history of her relationship actions to show that she is filing vindictively.

Just because you moved out of the house doesn't mean you lost your investment in it. You will need to pursue a property settlement with her -- she should refinance in her name and buy out your share of the house.

[ForeverDad]

Just because you moved out of the house doesn't mean you lost your investment in it. You will need to pursue a property settlement with her -- she should refinance in her name and buy out your share of the house.

If the house is jointly owned you can file for her to either buy you out or the court can force a sale and the equity or proceeds split between you.

[Blueberry Cat]

The house is jointly owned 50-50 although I put down a very large down payment.
  Sis did I put it 50-50 and I figured we be together forever and I didn’t want to have a financial problem and our relationship.
   Did she filed a restraining order she filed a petition action lawsuit using two of the claims from the restraining order of sexual abuse and then I settled that to be able to sell the house and get some of the funds back although she took a very large financial settlement .
  If I hadn’t of settled she would’ve been able to live in the house for up to three years while I was making the payments otherwise my credit score would’ve gone down and I was also told that if I didn’t make the payments in the house although I could afford to it would look bad in the family law matter if she lost her credit score and her and the children are put out on the street.
  Restraining order she asked for five years in the house and me to make all payments.
   I only lived in the house for six weeks when she terrified me and I had to leave with my daughter.