Cheating less than two months after being married

[Depression = 72% of members]

Im still having a hard time believing she could cheat so soon ! And now she is living with him in his motor home. Why did she marry me in the first place ? I hope she puts this new guy through the same hell she did me and Id like to get to watch or at least hear about it.

[peiper]

Im still having a hard time believing she could cheat so soon ! And now she is living with him in his motor home. Why did she marry me in the first place ? I hope she puts this new guy through the same hell she did me and Id like to get to watch or at least hear about it.

[myself]

She doesn't honor you, or herself. Some people get what they say they want but really want something else instead, something they're not even sure about. And then just keep chasing their tail like that. Someone watching us get burned would be like they saw a horror movie versus living the horror. 

[Tiepje3]

Im still having a hard time believing she could cheat so soon ! And now she is living with him in his motor home. Why did she marry me in the first place ? I hope she puts this new guy through the same hell she did me and Id like to get to watch or at least hear about it.

Peiper, would it help if you knew the answer to your 'why'? Chances are you're going to hear something like the other guy is better or more loveable or more caring or whatever. The fact is that she cheated on you and moved on. The fact is that you have to deal with this and move on yourself.

Of course it hurts (been there, done that) and of course I also ask myself 'why'. But at the same time I don't think I'd want to know why. Being cheated on is hard enough. Having to hear why is probably even harder.

Live in the now, educate yourself, write on this board, heal yourself. Stop trying to look for answers that you either won't get or that would make your life even more complicated.

Waiting for the replacement to have to deal with the same thing might or might not happen and it might and might not help you, but it means you're focussed on somebody else rather than on you, which is something you don't need right now. YOU are important, YOU are hurting, YOU deserve better. Focus inwards instead of outwards.

Replying to your post is like giving myself the same advice. Posting here helps.

[peiper]

Im still having a hard time believing she could cheat so soon ! And now she is living with him in his motor home. Why did she marry me in the first place ? I hope she puts this new guy through the same hell she did me and Id like to get to watch or at least hear about it.

Peiper, would it help if you knew the answer to your 'why'? Chances are you're going to hear something like the other guy is better or more loveable or more caring or whatever. The fact is that she cheated on you and moved on. The fact is that you have to deal with this and move on yourself.

Of course it hurts (been there, done that) and of course I also ask myself 'why'. But at the same time I don't think I'd want to know why. Being cheated on is hard enough. Having to hear why is probably even harder.

Live in the now, educate yourself, write on this board, heal yourself. Stop trying to look for answers that you either won't get or that would make your life even more complicated.

Waiting for the replacement to have to deal with the same thing might or might not happen and it might and might not help you, but it means you're focussed on somebody else rather than on you, which is something you don't need right now. YOU are important, YOU are hurting, YOU deserve better. Focus inwards instead of outwards.

Replying to your post is like giving myself the same advice. Posting here helps.

Very good advise, thank you

[peiper]

I think a lot of it is knowing that I could never do it and expected the same.

[Pieter2]

Peiper,

I think you're asking the wrong questions. You already know the answer to "why?". The answer is because she has BPD and because she's a cheater. You can't focus on why because then you are trying to justify cheating and abuse for that matter. The fact that she did cheat is already enough to judge her as a liar, cheater and abuser. Now: That you can't justify can you? It's not about you and justification for her, it's about whether or not she cheated, WHICH SHE DID. End of story. I'm sorry for what happened to you and wish you the best of luck. We're here for you buddy. Just, you can't walk around trying to look for reasons why she cheated. That's like a court looking for reasons why someone murdered. They don't - They sentence you if you're guilty and that is it!

[peiper]

Peiper,

I think you're asking the wrong questions. You already know the answer to "why?". The answer is because she has BPD and because she's a cheater. You can't focus on why because then you are trying to justify cheating and abuse for that matter. The fact that she did cheat is already enough to judge her as a liar, cheater and abuser. Now: That you can't justify can you? It's not about you and justification for her, it's about whether or not she cheated, WHICH SHE DID. End of story. I'm sorry for what happened to you and wish you the best of luck. We're here for you buddy. Just, you can't walk around trying to look for reasons why she cheated. That's like a court looking for reasons why someone murdered. They don't - They sentence you if you're guilty and that is it!

Very good points !

[OutOfEgypt]

peiper,

I agree with Tiepje3.  My ex had reasons "why".  And usually she would make sure I knew the reasons.  She would be "sorry" out of one side of her mouth, but make sure I knew he was more sexual, made her feel more sexy, was better in bed, gave her more attention, could allegedly "handle" her harsh and cruel mouth better without being hurt by it, etc.  It crushed me.  Her first affair (that I know about) was within a year and a half after our marriage.  I endured her having some kind of sexual relationship with at least 4-5 other men over the course of the 15 years we were married or recycling.  And those are only the ones that I know about.  But there were also men scattered in between that she got attention from, allowed to fawn over her, and even sent naked pictures to.

I beat upon myself for years.  I thought, "If I was a better man... .If I was better, then she would be happy with me and wouldn't have to cheat on me."  I worked at perfecting myself like a slave for probably 12-13 of those years.  I believed her reasons.  I ingested them and tortured myself with them.  And I hated myself because some of the things I couldn't seem to "fix" about myself.

Finally, I realized it was all a bunch of crap.  It was her way of handling all the garbage going on inside of her.  She is one confused person, and I'm watching her push/pull with her new boyfriend.  And the guy who she had the last affair with... .the one she thought was so wonderful... .she keeps him around here and there for an ego boost, but she talks about what a loser he is behind his back.  Yet he still pines after her.  Their affair began four years ago.  She has picked him back up, used him, and thrown him away again more times than I can count in those four years.  And it's not like he's comfortable... .he lives in his car.

I hope you come to a place very soon where you let this go and stop torturing yourself about what she did.  You are just one of likely many people she is going to trample in this life.  Your saving grace... .is knowing that you got out quickly and walked away, never to return, and emotionally *let it go*.  Let her go.  Your focus is still on her.  It is time for your focus to be on YOUR life and what you are going to do with the life that is head of you.

[clydegriffith]

I find myself asking the same question but replace marriage with "birth of child". Why in the world would you have a kid with someone if you were going to start cheating a few months after the baby was born. The degree of cheating was also ridiculous as well. She didn't start a new relationship with someone, just pretty much screwed whoever was around when i wasn't home. I'm fully convinced she got some sort of high from it, like a junkie when they get their fix.

[OutOfEgypt]

My ex was cheating on me with two different men while we were having a house built together.  It boggles the mind, so best to give up trying to figure it out.  Who gives a #$.