When you get offended by others

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys,

As we’re all here thinking about who we are, which values define us and/or our relationship, I was wondering if you encountered the same thing.

1) Lately, I get quite easily offended. It’s becoming more and more obvious how oblivious people can be of my boundaries. And, when you express them calmly, they sometimes still choose to ignore them. It has shed a different light on a few friendships and I find it quite difficult to deal with that.

2) Stemming from the same info: I’ve noticed that when people critize me on some of my core values (the ones that I think define me), I can get extremely irritated. It takes days before I stop thinking about it because I get really anxious: do I preach but not practice? Am I a fraud?

A good example would be is that I see myself as a good hostess. I want people to feel welcome to come over, I organize a lot of dinner parties. I value having people around and enjoy the fact that I am a person that brings people together. Last weekend a friend mentioned she was really disturbed by the fact that I sometimes ask people to pitch in (moneywise). To me (and a lot of friends of my age and income) it makes sense. Because I am someone that regularly organizes stuff for large groups, I don’t feel it’s normal to expect I always pay for everything. I really feel that way and can explain my values/rational behind it as well. But when she confronted me with that, it made me feel like I was a bad hostess. It took me days to shake that off and it took a party and a lot of alcohol to mend the angry feeling inside towards her.

How do you align your feelings with your thoughts? I think it has to do with the fact that my core values are still kind of fresh (only recently started thinking about them) and they don’t feel very solid yet. Which is why I would take her criticism so rough.

[ziniztar]

Hi guys,

As we’re all here thinking about who we are, which values define us and/or our relationship, I was wondering if you encountered the same thing.

1) Lately, I get quite easily offended. It’s becoming more and more obvious how oblivious people can be of my boundaries. And, when you express them calmly, they sometimes still choose to ignore them. It has shed a different light on a few friendships and I find it quite difficult to deal with that.

2) Stemming from the same info: I’ve noticed that when people critize me on some of my core values (the ones that I think define me), I can get extremely irritated. It takes days before I stop thinking about it because I get really anxious: do I preach but not practice? Am I a fraud?

A good example would be is that I see myself as a good hostess. I want people to feel welcome to come over, I organize a lot of dinner parties. I value having people around and enjoy the fact that I am a person that brings people together. Last weekend a friend mentioned she was really disturbed by the fact that I sometimes ask people to pitch in (moneywise). To me (and a lot of friends of my age and income) it makes sense. Because I am someone that regularly organizes stuff for large groups, I don’t feel it’s normal to expect I always pay for everything. I really feel that way and can explain my values/rational behind it as well. But when she confronted me with that, it made me feel like I was a bad hostess. It took me days to shake that off and it took a party and a lot of alcohol to mend the angry feeling inside towards her.

How do you align your feelings with your thoughts? I think it has to do with the fact that my core values are still kind of fresh (only recently started thinking about them) and they don’t feel very solid yet. Which is why I would take her criticism so rough.

[Ihope2]

Maybe it is because we have been re-evaluating our own core values, and this is why we are now able to notice red flags as regards how others treat us? 

I have at least two friendships with other women that I am currently questioning in a new way, they are both friendships coming a long way, over a number of years.

I never before noticed how flippant these two ladies are and how invalidating towards me.  I am the more serious of the lot, and in the past when they reacted to me in a certain way or said a certain thing that made me feel invalidated, I used to make excuses for them in my own mind.

But now, I am frankly tired of tolerating invalidating comments and behaviour from others.  I am not going to accept flippant and hurtful comments any more.  I will rather phase myself out of these friendships and seek a more genuine and authentic interaction with people.

I also used to do so much for my friends, I used to be the one to organise a get-together, bake some treats and go to expense to make a nice afternoon for us to share.  Or I used to listen endlessly to the other friends' complaints about unhappy she is in her life, with this person and that person who has done her wrong, etc.  But when it comes to me venting a bit and sharing things that are difficult for me, she is unable to pay attention for very long, and gets bored and make flippant and hurtful remarks, which she then thinks is very amusing.

For instance, she knows how difficult my short lived marriage to a man with BPD has been.  I confided in her over email the other day, how difficult and sad and confusing the past months have been for me, but that there is no way out other than to divorce.  So her reply to me was that some man had visited them at home, and he happened to see me on her wedding photo hanging in her lounge (I was her bridesmaid), and he likes the look of me and can she give him my contact details... . I refuse to put up with this sort of insensitivity from a so-called friend!

[Ihope2]

Ziniztar, I also meant to add that the irritation you feel is probably quite normal.  You are transitioning to a new way of interacting with people when it comes to setting and defending your boundaries.  This brings with it some conflict, and if you are a people-pleaser like me, you won't feel comfortable with the thought of conflict and how you need to handle it.

In the past, we have perhaps always just given in to the other person.  But now, we know we need to stand up for what we believe in, and that makes us nervous. Hence the irritation?

I think that practise will help and make it feel more natural to defend our boundaries in a firm, assertive and non-hostile way! 

[talithacumi]

I think it's got to be pretty common for those of us who are doing the work (digging deep, sitting with our feelings, processing them, restructuring our core identity, healing, and moving on) to realize that our expwBPD isn't the only person to whom we were attracted/attractive/interacted in ways that were fundamentally invalidating/unhealthy.

I surrounded myself with people like this my entire life (thanks, mom!) - allowed/invited them to ignore any/every boundary I ever set, and rewarded/encouraged them for doing so by developing/maintaining these kinds of relationships to the exclusion of pretty much all others.

As I've become aware of this dynamic (and, more significantly, the very active part I've always played in creating it), it's been relatively easy to develop/articulate/set/maintain healthier boundaries for myself. What I still struggle with, however, are the feelings I have when those boundaries are ignored/dismissed/violated - especially when it's accompanied by some form of accusation or other negative/disdainful value judgment.

The challenge for me at this point is to not react to how that makes me feel (like my intelligence, integrity, and/or character are being attacked) but to simply step back, and recognize that all this person is actually expressing is their discomfort with/dislike of the boundary I've set for some reason. To remind myself that some people aren't going to be comfortable/like how my choices effect them - that it's actually okay for them to feel uncomfortable/unhappy - that it isn't my job (anymore!) to "fix" the "problem" so they don't feel that way - that, as a friend/someone who cares, all I'm actually expected, and expect myself to do is simply listen, validate, and empathize.

You don't need to justify, apologize for, defend, or explain your choice to ask people to help with the cost of the get-togethers you plan, organize, and host for them. It's a very reasonable request, and one that most people (I'm assuming) don't have any kind of real problem with either. You have one friend who does. One. That's certainly not enough to warrant reconsidering the choice you made, but it is enough, I think, to warrant thinking about, if not asking her outright why it bothers her so much.

Chances are, ziniztar, it has nothing to do with you or your intelligence, integrity, or character. She obviously likes/trusts you enough to tell you how she feels which says a lot about her real feelings for you as a person. Try to stick with, remember, and let that guide/determine your response.

It's hard, I know. But sometimes the boundaries we have the hardest time setting/maintaining are those within ourselves that say:  I don't go there to that dark place inside anymore where every thought/feeling is governed by my own insecurity/fear - it's not real, it's not healthy, and it's not good for me or anyone else either.

[dontknow2]

Hello ziniztar,

A friend of mine has me over on a regular basis. After a few times, I offered on my own to start bringing the drinks or food because I didn't want to take advantage. Part of that is because I know the effort involved. It definitely makes sense for you to receive assistance with your parties.

I really appreciate this topic. I have been struggling more with this lately too (again, ugh). For me, it isn't so much my core values but just standing up for however I feel at the time. As I transform, I find my values go through contractions anyway and just need to roll with whatever.

One reason why I have been getting so irritated lately is personal resentment. I resent the fact that someone else is doing something causing me to stand-up for myself (which requires so much effort for me and am crappy at it). I still judge or second-guess myself for the issue. I also resent having to show a part of myself that I am not yet comfortable with... . This last one is probably my biggest irritation of all.

I also especially have a hard time when someone keeps dismissing or continuously pushes my boundaries under the guise of helping me (especially when they know I struggle with conflict). In this situation, I want to address the boundary and call someone out too... . so, I am triple pissed.

Steps I am taking... .

- taking time to calm down before talking about it with others (sometimes, over night)

- relearning how to FIGHT OFF the idea that I "should" be a certain way; just be whatever I am at the time EVEN if I am wrong, a hypocrite or fraud (as you said)

- break my fears regarding the potential consequence (i.e. lose a friend, others see my weaknesses & I am become more vulnerable, my boss starts to undermine me, etc.)

I do hope some day this stuff gets easier.

Thanks again for posting ziniztar. I wish you the best.

[bb12]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223264.msg12417799#msg12417799

Hey ziniztar

Yep - going through the same stuff. I think it is a natural stage in our road to self

One of my recent posts was similar. See link

Ultimately, we grow: and collateral damage can be old friendships. We see the truth and no longer our codependent projections of what we want people to be. I had let some long term friendships go. Some abruptly others just a scaling back but interestingly, zero regrets.

Don't doubt yourself

In relation to being easily offended, in your example you are still "other-directed" and see yourself as enabling / hosting for the betterment of the group. My advice would be to watch that. Do it cos YOU want to and not for altruistic reasons. Give without expectation or dont give at all. If it's busting the bank then host less or suggest rotating who hosts. Or perhaps everyone brings a dish instead of hitting them up for cash. Current MO is a little controlling. Not sure how I'd feel if invited to a dinner but then asked to chip in. I see your point if you host a lot but again, either give or don't give. But don't give with any expectation of money or a desired behaviour from guests... . Unless it's been communicated well in advance and attendees understand.



BB12

[ziniztar]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223264.msg12417799#msg12417799

Don't doubt yourself

In relation to being easily offended, in your example you are still "other-directed" and see yourself as enabling / hosting for the betterment of the group. My advice would be to watch that. Do it cos YOU want to and not for altruistic reasons. Give without expectation or dont give at all. If it's busting the bank then host less or suggest rotating who hosts. Or perhaps everyone brings a dish instead of hitting them up for cash. Current MO is a little controlling. Not sure how I'd feel if invited to a dinner but then asked to chip in. I see your point if you host a lot but again, either give or don't give. But don't give with any expectation of money or a desired behaviour from guests... . Unless it's been communicated well in advance and attendees understand.



BB12

How can I not doubt myself when then reading that second alinea?

I understand your point of view when saying: give without expecting anything back. I have brothers that do everything for you and get extremely mad when you offer nothing in return. That has hurt me so much in the past I'd never want to do that to anyone.

All I want is for people to get together, for my friends to get to know each other.

I just don't want to pay for it all the time - why can that happen parrallel?

I've talked about this with a lot of friends now and most of them respond "meh, I don't care if I have to chip in, I think it's fair. I just wait and see or offer something in return myself."

I can see what clarity brings in saying "this one is on me" or creating invitations that set up to bring your own stuff. Then again, it's not that common in my country to do that. I'm the one who loves to cook, and people seem to be very happy to be the receiving end of that. I think part of growing in this is also seeing which is your stuff and which is theirs. In this case, the girl that had the issue with my invitatoin has general issues with making decisions. Even when thinking about going out on a Saturday night 359034 questions are asked at what time the bus leaves, if we can get a cab, if she can stay over, if she can can she use my towels and shampoo, can she leave early? She needs all this information prior to deciding to join us in the bar. Some people just go with the flow and see whatever happens, others feel a need to control everything.

Again I feel I'm getting really defensive.

I feel very mistunderstood in my intentions of organizing these things and I get really upset.

I recognize the feeling from when my parents became immensely mad at me for things I apparently had done, which they interpreted wrong, and never gave me the option to explain myself. There was never a dialogue, it was always a monologue from their side on their view of what I had done. I've been punished for things that weren't my fault simply because they didn't give me the chance to explain what had happened. I can still get supermad about those events, especially as this had quite some influence on the way I was able to build friendships.

I guess it's the jumping to conclusions that irritates me, when I don't feel there is a way to explain my point of view.

If she had sent me a text saying "hey do we need to pitch in or is this one on you?" everything would have been fine. I would have understood the issue. But she texted me in a very "oh I have an issue with you doing these things" and in that message I felt offended and misunderstood. I hate that.

[Louise7777]

Hi ziniztar and than you for this thread. I can relate so much.

Surely I get easily offended too. Or "easily" compared to before, where I was never offended while people stepped on my neck. 

So, in my perspective, its just the right ammount of anger or surprise... . At least now we are aware that people disrespect our boundaries, while in the past we didnt even notice... . Or worse, we had no boundaries at all... .

Like most of you, I realize I had lots of uPD friends: uHPD, u PAPD (passive-aggressive PD) and even Schizotypal personality disorder... . I mostly limited contact by setting boundaries. I really dont care much what the diagnosis would be, what I notice is a HUGE amount of selfishness and self-centeredness.

I was the pleasing type, who would listen for hours... . When it was my turn to say something, I was met with weird remarks, invalidation and yawns... . or silence, as if it was a boring issue (of course any issue not related to the NPD is boring).

Regarding the anger or resentment you feel about your friend, I have been there... . I believe its because we expect them to be kind and empathic and thats not always the case... . So we hate to have to stand up and enforce our boundaries. But it is a must.

Funny thing about the food, it reminded me of a story that happened to me years ago, regarding my undiag. Schyzotypical friend... . She invited me for her house in the mountains, in winter... . 5-day trip... . I took food with me and then when we went to the supermarket I offered to pay half of the bill. She accepted. No problem I was by myself and she had her kid and husband... . But ok so far. Then it was very cold, no heating, so I got a terrible flu... . She didnt care at all, I had to find a way to buy medication and although we were visiting one of her friends and I felt terrible, she didnt want to leave early, she told me to go back by myself... . Also, she expected me to take care of her special-needs kid... . So she could have time to read while the kid was crazily attached to me (nobody gave him attention, so when I did, the boy wouldnt leave me alone).

It was a terrible "vacation" for me... . I felt offended cause she had this condescending superior attitude towards me (she comes from a rich FOO but her situation has declined a lot since marriage)... . She sees me as underpriviledged compared to her and probably expected me to be so grateful that Id "work" for her... . She invited me other times but I always declined, of course.

To sum it up, I resent people who have no empathy, no interest in how others feel... . They are uncapable of thinking of other´s well-being... . Dont know if its because of my upbringing or personality, but I see lots of deeply selfish people around me... . Or maybe the world is just full of them... .

[seeking balance]

good topic and it comes up on these boards when someone is working hard on their own issues - so kudos to you on that Ziniztar 

The first step is indeed this awareness that your own behavior is not aligned - it is only when we can see this that we can change - the fact you notice, good job.

So, paying attention to what emotions we feel when this happens and doing the "when did I feel this way before" work - most of the time it is a childhood wound we carry into adulthood.  Using your example:

Last weekend a friend mentioned she was really disturbed by the fact that I sometimes ask people to pitch in (moneywise).

What did you feel by this?

judged financially,  not appreciated for putting it together, not enough... . what is the core shame this statement pushed in you.

Next, challenge it - is it true? 

Finally - Letting it go sometimes means understanding what the person is really saying?  do you know why the person said this or are you assuming?  Perhaps it is her financial shame that prompted the criticism of you?

The book 4 Agreements (if you don't have this book, it really is a staple to have on hand) really helped me with this aspect in my only life as I try to apply these daily.  They are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Peace,

SB

[Ihope2]

Ziniztar, you wrote the below - it really hits home for me![/quote]
Again I feel I'm getting really defensive.

I feel very mistunderstood in my intentions of organizing these things and I get really upset.

I recognize the feeling from when my parents became immensely mad at me for things I apparently had done, which they interpreted wrong, and never gave me the option to explain myself. There was never a dialogue, it was always a monologue from their side on their view of what I had done. I've been punished for things that weren't my fault simply because they didn't give me the chance to explain what had happened. I can still get supermad about those events, especially as this had quite some influence on the way I was able to build friendships.

I guess it's the jumping to conclusions that irritates me, when I don't feel there is a way to explain my point of view.

If she had sent me a text saying "hey do we need to pitch in or is this one on you?" everything would have been fine. I would have understood the issue. But she texted me in a very "oh I have an issue with you doing these things" and in that message I felt offended and misunderstood. I hate that. [/quote]
I have a similar "Core Issue" of feeling misunderstood and unable to defend myself.  It also regresses me, feelings wise, to my child state when I feel that I am not being heard or understood for my true intentions!  It is good to recognise these moments when we are triggered and regress in our feelings-state, back to the hurt little child that we were when we were not understood or validated!  This is deep core stuff, and it is very healing to have uncovered it and to recognise it for what it is.