Court in 1 week, and I'm terrified

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys  

So here comes the big day, the final part of the drama del arte (is it really?).

Quick summary of the story:

We're childhood friends, met again in our 30's. BPD had lots of ups and downs all through our r/s, 1.5yr into our r/s baby was born. After that BPD just went crazier and crazier (delusions of persecution, paranoia, rage outbursts) and last year went to seek help several times at the psych ward. Had a follow up set up but his family came to "save" him and from there b/u followed and HELL.

Did everything to do me harm, financially first (notice to the landlords, letters to benefits as I was unemployed). Then threats, complaints and false allegations (of violence to him, potentially to the kids). Very changing, scary behaviour (extremely cold, no empathy, agressive), tried to take baby away many, many times. Harassed me for months by sending constant emails, texts and registered mail.

And finally, my holiday house was found shot with 7 bullets, all of which ended above my D11's bed, which used to be my bedroom when I was younger (this used to be my grandma's house and we met on that street as kids). These were shot from the roof opposite, where he actually has too a family holiday home. The investigation is slow and the policeman just concluded so far "we have no witness and no proof against him."

He: Will describe himself as the poor innocent victim, whose rights to see his son (aged now 1,5 yr) were denied for no reason by the witch that I am since March.

Me: Will have to justify why I went NC 5 months ago.

His L is asking for shared custody (!) ; My L is asking for a psy eval and supervised visitation.

If the judge asks me "why?", I think I'll go for:

1) Scary behaviour

whenever the kids and I see him (agressive, accusing me of horrible things in front of the children, threatens to take baby away and to contact social services etc). Violence: broke things and went into rage many times in presence of the kids. My D testifies via her psychologist that last year, when baby was only a few months old, BPD had taken him for a few hours to his parents house and that went we went back he looked lost, on the street, with a bleeding hand and said "I broke everything in my mother's kitchen because of things she said."

2) Communication is impossible,

as he turns everything I do or say against me, for ex filed a complaint when I tried to visit him in his new studio flat for "trespassing his home". Does not respect arrangements (a priest that I'd contacted for a mediated week-end and a friend testified of this). Came with a woman to film me at my window on my D's bday. Sent letters, mails and texts threatening of filing a complaint for "kidnapping" (which was refused by the police); walking around with a recording device and saying "you're harassing me" everytime I tried to talk to him.

3) Irrationnal behaviour

Filing a complaint for trespassing his home on our son's first bday, and then coming to share a cake with the kids and me at my place; feeling of persecution going worse with time;

I'm just no sure where "mental health" actually fits in here... .and does it at all?

In my report everything is described in detail (he seeking help from doctor, kicking us out of the home, saying he was ill like his bipolar mother etc)

Any piece of advice more than welcome!

[Indyan]

Hi guys  

So here comes the big day, the final part of the drama del arte (is it really?).

Quick summary of the story:

We're childhood friends, met again in our 30's. BPD had lots of ups and downs all through our r/s, 1.5yr into our r/s baby was born. After that BPD just went crazier and crazier (delusions of persecution, paranoia, rage outbursts) and last year went to seek help several times at the psych ward. Had a follow up set up but his family came to "save" him and from there b/u followed and HELL.

Did everything to do me harm, financially first (notice to the landlords, letters to benefits as I was unemployed). Then threats, complaints and false allegations (of violence to him, potentially to the kids). Very changing, scary behaviour (extremely cold, no empathy, agressive), tried to take baby away many, many times. Harassed me for months by sending constant emails, texts and registered mail.

And finally, my holiday house was found shot with 7 bullets, all of which ended above my D11's bed, which used to be my bedroom when I was younger (this used to be my grandma's house and we met on that street as kids). These were shot from the roof opposite, where he actually has too a family holiday home. The investigation is slow and the policeman just concluded so far "we have no witness and no proof against him."

He: Will describe himself as the poor innocent victim, whose rights to see his son (aged now 1,5 yr) were denied for no reason by the witch that I am since March.

Me: Will have to justify why I went NC 5 months ago.

His L is asking for shared custody (!) ; My L is asking for a psy eval and supervised visitation.

If the judge asks me "why?", I think I'll go for:

1) Scary behaviour

whenever the kids and I see him (agressive, accusing me of horrible things in front of the children, threatens to take baby away and to contact social services etc). Violence: broke things and went into rage many times in presence of the kids. My D testifies via her psychologist that last year, when baby was only a few months old, BPD had taken him for a few hours to his parents house and that went we went back he looked lost, on the street, with a bleeding hand and said "I broke everything in my mother's kitchen because of things she said."

2) Communication is impossible,

as he turns everything I do or say against me, for ex filed a complaint when I tried to visit him in his new studio flat for "trespassing his home". Does not respect arrangements (a priest that I'd contacted for a mediated week-end and a friend testified of this). Came with a woman to film me at my window on my D's bday. Sent letters, mails and texts threatening of filing a complaint for "kidnapping" (which was refused by the police); walking around with a recording device and saying "you're harassing me" everytime I tried to talk to him.

3) Irrationnal behaviour

Filing a complaint for trespassing his home on our son's first bday, and then coming to share a cake with the kids and me at my place; feeling of persecution going worse with time;

I'm just no sure where "mental health" actually fits in here... .and does it at all?

In my report everything is described in detail (he seeking help from doctor, kicking us out of the home, saying he was ill like his bipolar mother etc)

Any piece of advice more than welcome!

[Indyan]

Noone?  :'(

[ForeverDad]

Expect surprising and unrealistic counter-demands.  Of course he's going to ask for joint or shared custody.  Doesn't mean he will get it.  But you still have to be firm for what you believe is right.  You have reason to seek supervised.  However, it's hard to keep it supervised, courts see separations as prone to conflict but they expect it to settle down over time.  With reasonably normal people it does.  Not so much with high conflict cases.

The entire environment in court is one where you will almost surely pressured to settle.  Be aware and beware.  It's your choice though.  So don't feel fatalistic or weak, this is probably a time to maintain your boundaries.  Likely the court will decide a better outcome than you could get in settlement from your ex, but your lawyer will warn you that it isn't guaranteed.

It sounds like you have specific incidents to reference.  It is not unrealistic to state that your are fearful of him, for both yourself and your child.  Generally courts are reluctant to listen to older incidents that might be considered 'stale' or not actionable.  However, with the delays of court, probably you can include incidents 6 months before filing or separation.  You lawyer can try and if his lawyer objects then the judge will rule one way or the other.  Your lawyer can state these incidents also are documented in testimony to establish a long term pattern, they probably will allow older events so a pattern can be identified.

Note that my courts were not inclined to extend my fears (or for that matter, my ex's claimed fears about me) from self to include our child too.  Every time my ex sought protection for herself and included our child, our child was removed from the temporary PO.  Why a person can have a restraining order but still get parenting is a real head scratcher to me.  It's like the person is viewed in some ways as two people or having two different sets of behaviors, bad adult behaviors and okay parenting behaviors.  So your job is to make sure your ex is not just seen as concerning for you but especially as regards your child.

With his behaviors and issues it would be hard for him to get more than standard father alternate weekends and a little time in between.  So it may end up being something between that and supervised.   Also, beware of court leaving legal decisions as equally joint.  He is likely to obstruct every major decision.  If court leaves it 'joint' then you'll be delayed in court or in mediation over and over.  Besides seeking Residential Parent for School Purposes, also try to get as much decision making as possible.  So if you can't get full or sole custody (for major decisions) then try very hard to get Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Courts are generally reluctant to let one parent feel a loser.  DM or TB is for joint custody so (1) ex could say he still has joint but may not feel the Loser and (2) it is effectively full custody for you.  Yes, he could contest your decisions but with DM/TB at least he couldn't delay them for months and months.

Courts often see custody and parenting as two separate aspects of the case.  So remember to do your best to succeed with both, the major decision-making as well as the visitation.

[momtara]

Stick to your guns with the psych eval and custody eval. Courts don't care much how he treats you but will care if it causes disruption and potential harm to the kids. I read somewhere that you could say "I'd like them to have some time with their father as long as it's safe and reasonable" or something like that - ask for more than you want. Your concerns are valid and despite the crazy court stuff we read about on the internet, most judges and evaluators will care what has happened. Do you have all your documentation together? Once you have that together you should feel more prepared and better able to deal with all this. Have the things you need most right on top. How are you feeling about it today?

[Indyan]

Thanks for your answers.

ForeverDad, I'm not sure about the DM/TB here in France. My L just said we'd both be part of the decision making, I'm not at all sure there are levels in this. He told me that with the kid at my place I'd end up making all the decisions anyway... .

Momtara, I've given all the docs to the L already, who's passed them onto the judge.

I know that "most b/u involve conflict" but in this case it's his hostility and delusions that caused it, I don't know whether the judge will understand this.

I'm very scared, especially of the crazy lies he will tell the judge.

[momtara]

Yes, that's what's so difficult - they lie and make it sound convincing. You can always say "That's a plausible sounding scenario, but it's not consistent with the documentation."