all time low

[mitchell16]

well after our big blow up last she becasue she would stop contact me and came to my job. She stted in front of a witness that she would never contact me again. I had been going through some medical issues and she claime she was only trying to find what had been going with with it and at the time I didnt know to tell her. 48 hour later she starts tetxing again about teh medical stuff. I finally havethe answer so I leter her know. She thanked me and that was the end. But then later taht night she texts me again thanking and hope everyting turns out ok. I ignore her text. I dont hear nothing rest of the night or the next day. But on sunday she starts texting that I need to talk to one of her family for spiritual issues, that I didnt know I had. and then she tells me how much she loves and cares about me . I ignore that one also. Then phone calls start, I ignore those. This morning after I leave my house I get a text stating that she had been to my house to return my stuff. Which this made me mad that she thinks she could just come to my home when I wasnt there and come onto my property. So I reponded to the text and of course she say she was sorry but didnt know what else to do since I wouldnt talk to her. and that was it. I had already told her I didnt want the stuff back, it was better to just replace it. Now Im once againg feeeling very low and depressed and I dont know why. I know all weekend that the calls bothered too. Today Im just drained and IM feeling lower then I ever have. I cant put my finger on why Im so depressed. is it becasue she will just barge in my life wheneve however she wants? or becuase she showed me sh erally means business with retruning all my stuff. I dont have a clue.

[BeHappyAgain]

The mental fatigue, feeling physically and [especially] emotionally drained is natural.

All this is very hard work!

I've had my stuff returned... . um... . is it 4 or 5 times now [?] during recycles by someone who 'meant business' each time.

I don't post often - but I read here a lot.

You've come to the right place, its a great resource and there are some very smart cookies here with deep insights.

For now get some sleep and hang in there!

And get some multivitamins ! 

[BeHappyAgain]

Woops !

I've just noticed you've got over 400 posts.

Very sorry - I'm reading late at night and for some reason thought you were a first time poster who no one had yet responded to!

Excuse me and all the best 

[talithacumi]

Probably a little bit of both, mitchell16 ... . not to mention allowing her to regain/reassert the control she so desperately needed/wanted ... . and you once so freely/enthusiastically gave her ... . to say/do whatever she wants to you with impugnity that she now sees you vindictively trying to take away or punitively deny her by going NC so she'll be/say/do whatever you want again.

All of it sucks. All of it just feels like another emotional suckerpunch to the gut when you're already down on the floor writhing in more pain that you ever thought yourself possible of enduring.

It's so unfair. So confusing. You understand - maybe, a little, through this board - why she does it. But you're still devastated and hurt like a sonovab***h because of it.

Be hurt. Be depressed. Be angry. Sit with those emotions. When they get too big/too uncomfortable, distract yourself. Exercise. TV. Movies. Internet. Friends. Really loud music on your headphones. Buy, prepare, cook, and eat something you truly love. Wrap yourself in a big blanket on the couch and cry, cry, cry. Sleep. Be as gentle, considerate, and patient with yourself as you would your dearest friend going through the same thing.

You've been through - are still going through - a lot, my friend. Don't minimize, or shrug this thing off as something that isn't as completely self devastating and personally traumatic as it actually is. You've been gravely wounded. Give yourself some time to heal, and keep doing your best to protect yourself from further damage by staying NC. All she has to offer you right now is more of the same pain and confusion that brought you to your knees in the first place.

You're not alone in what you're going through. We've all been there. All I can tell you is that it DOES get better/easier to deal with the more time you take to simply rest/heal the damage you've already taken.

Don't make the stuff an issue. You don't want it. She doesn't want it. Give it to someone who does, or throw it away rather than give in to her disordered compulsion to make it an issue/reason to keep holding on to the toxic relationship you've had, and still obviously have with her to some extent.

Be strong. We're here for you.

- TC

[mitchell16]

thank you for all the great advice. Its a daily struggle and i have good days and bad. Days when Im really strong and then days where Im so misrable I cant stand myself. I think by her bringing the stuff back unannouced was another way in her mind to hurt me, but innocently. Its didnt hurt me it just anger me more then anything. But since I had stopped taking her calls she would do something to get a responce from me and it worked. I guess becasue us as non love them and have gave all we have to give to the relationship. To see us played with and discsarded so easly. Yes, I know we shoudl make it personal because its not, but it sure does feel personal. and it would be easy to blame the disorder and I should becasue thats what it is. But at the same time when you see them acting so normal in their life it is so confusing. From my walk of life it has always been easy to see people who are mentally ill, the cant function, they dont have jobs, own homes, cars etc. but to see someone have all that and appear to be normal but behind close doors be such a mess. its tough to get a handle on it.