Can someone help me make sense of this?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ubpd ex and I were together for 3 years. I couldn’t take being in the relationship anymore. I broke up with her and she was understandably upset.

3 months later after we broke up she was in a new relationship. 4 months later she was pregnant. A little bit later she was engaged.

Is this normal?

I don’t think it’s the healthiest, but would love to hear what others think.

[MintyBat]

My ubpd ex and I were together for 3 years. I couldn’t take being in the relationship anymore. I broke up with her and she was understandably upset.

3 months later after we broke up she was in a new relationship. 4 months later she was pregnant. A little bit later she was engaged.

Is this normal?

I don’t think it’s the healthiest, but would love to hear what others think.

[tvda]

It's hard to tell... Sometimes people break up and stumble upon their next partner fairly quickly. It happened to some of my very stable and normal friends.

What I can tell you is that BPDs often get over their ex really quickly, for a couple of reasons:

• Splitting: when you break up with them chances are they will paint you "all bad".
• Object constancy: out of sight, out of mind. BPDs notoriously feel "in the moment", and once you are gone they have a hard time remembering you even existed or feeling what that felt like
• No capacity to deal with negative feelings - especially about themselves. BPDs need distraction from the pain they can't deal with. Preferably by feeling infatuation or love for someone new
• Extreme, rapid mood swings: when they swing to falling in love with someone new, they swing intensely. That makes things go fast.

There's more reasons. But is highly typical for BPDs to move from one person to the next really, really quickly. Often even faster than they leave the previous partner...

[MintyBat]

Do you think it’s healthy or normal for a relationship to progress that fast?

[tvda]

Same thing here... In general no, but it depends on the circumstances... Getting pregnant 4 months after meeting someone is really fast... You don't really know eachother well in four months... But when your biological clock is ticking sometimes people want to go fast. Still. In general, a bit too fast...

But as I said before... If you have reasons to believe your ex has BPD, this is no surprise at all. In fact, for a BPD it's almost an exception to wait 3 months to get into a new relationship. Most don't wait 3 days...

If you don't mind me asking: what is your fear, worry or concern about this? You seem to look for reassurance that this is abnormal behaviour... But you couldn't take the relationship anymore, and call her a uBPD. It sounds like you know pretty well that her behaviour is not healthy, across the board, no? Or are you doubting whether or not she has BPD?

[MintyBat]

Actually sorry I should have mentioned me, my ex and the new supply are in our early 20s.

Also that is great point. I think she did have indications. I felt she didn’t take as much accountability for things as she should have, she is immature, clingy and a few other things.

Perhaps I am just looking for reassurance. When I found out she was dating right away, it devastated me. I do still wonder if she has bpd. I have suspected it for years and even a counsellor she was seeing thought she might have some type of personality disorder.

[Sappho11]

I don't know in which parts of the world it is considered normal to have a child with someone you've only known for four months, but it certainly isn't here.

Things happen -- people are careless and fall pregnant from a fling, and won't have an abortion because of their ethical perceptions. But in that case, they usually don't end up being in a happy relationship with the father of that child.

Normal, I think not. What kind of man wants a woman who gets pregnant four months in? What kind of woman lets herself get pregnant four months in? Perhaps people really do live on different timelines.

I've heard of people getting engaged exactly a year after their first date. I think that's romantic, and adequate if both partners have a certain amount of life experience and get along well, but I've been told that even that is fast.

Mind, the hormonal high of a new relationship only wears off after one to two years. Before that, people generally aren't able to logically assess whether a match is a good long-term fit or not. I'd be quite happy to roll the dice after a year -- but I'd be aware that it would be rolling the dice, not a prudent, careful decision.

But a child after four months? No way.

Then again, I don't have children, and a lot of people probably see them as much less of a commitment than I do.

[Ventak]

If it helps...

Your post could have been written by my daughter, about her ex.

Two years later she was testifying at the child custody hearing, since her ex was as abusive to his 2nd wife as he was to her and was trying to manipulate the court into giving him full custody and move out of state.

Mentally unhealthy people do mentally unhealthy things.

[tvda]

Wow... In your early twenties? That really is irresponsibly fast to have a child together... I was wrongly assuming that you and her might have been in your late thirties or early fourties, when a biological clock could make things move along faster. But in your twenties... That's way too fast.

But... it feels to me like you don't need proof or convincing... Your gut feeling is telling you what you need to know, to be honest. Trust your instinct. You most likely dodged a bullet - even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

[MintyBat]

Hi guys, sorry for the late response. I think they were acquainted with each other before, but just that. They didn’t start actually getting to know each other until her and I broke up.

I could be wrong, but even if they were friends for a few months before they started dating I think this would be a tad quick. I mean is it normal to have a child with someone you have only known for 7-8 months?

It does seem very irresponsible when neither of them are financially secure.

I’m just thankful to be free.