He is back. Help me

[Depression = 72% of members]

After 60 days of NC and after waving another woman in my face, here he is. Email from new account. The new woman seems to be a friend. He wants to talk. We are meeting tomorrow in the evening.

After EMDR treatment and having been on the verge of suicide.

Do not judge me. But help me... .please

[UnforgivenII]

After 60 days of NC and after waving another woman in my face, here he is. Email from new account. The new woman seems to be a friend. He wants to talk. We are meeting tomorrow in the evening.

After EMDR treatment and having been on the verge of suicide.

Do not judge me. But help me... .please

[Sadly]

Nobody will judge you love. Everyone will always be here for you whatever you decide.     x

[JerryRG]

What ever you decide is your choice, I know what I would do but I don't have a right to tell you what to do. Reach out to everyone in your life for advice.

In my case I've been told that if I ever go back to my exgf, no one will help me again. My pastor said he would hunt me down, he didn't say what he would do after he found me, I have put all my loved ones through hell over this relationship and been very selfish in the process.

I got away and if I go back I will lose everything I've worked so hard to make my life better.

And yes I've been to the point of ending my life to get away from her.

The stakes are very high.

Be careful UnforgivenII

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Unforgiven, We're not here to judge you or to tell you what to do, so you can relax about that.  What are your expectations about this meeting?  What would you like to see happen?  What is the best course for YOU?

LJ

[UnforgivenII]

I want... .nothing.  I am so scared of what he will say. I cannot have a relationship with him. He should prove something. But how can he?

[amunt]

His new relationship failed and he use the back up plan , the granded ex girlfriend.
No you dont need him back, ignore him and make him pay his choices

[Pretty Woman]

This happened to me, several times. Each time I got hurt worse.

Please re-read what you just wrote. He waived this woman in front of you to hurt you and now he misses you and she is just a friend.

I am going to tell you a little story. I hope it gives you some perspective.
We cannot tell you what to do. This is your decision, your life. I will say each time you "agree" to anything they suggest (for example meeting him) they hate you a bit more.
Why? They know they have you hook, line and sinker and deep down they find you pathetic for being that easy to manipulate.

Please know. I am not calling you pathetic. I am saying this is how they think, this is part of the disorder, the manipulation, the triangulation.

BPD's are well versed in lying. I would not be surprised if he has hit a rough patch with this woman, wants to see you to soothe him (and triangulate) and then he runs back to her.

I say this because I lived this. When I met my ex she began to tell me about her best friend Liz. She talked about Liz all the time. We are lesbians and she had dated Liz years earlier. Liz was now married to a woman and happy, both living a few states away.

Very quickly into my relationship my ex started to rage. Once she broke up with me because I was having a really bad day at work and cancelled dinner plans. I was so distraught I went to her apt only to hear her on the phone with this Liz saying "WOW she is effing stalking me now"!

We continued to date with many breakups in between. She would change her phone number, block me, change locks. All immature, I get it. I hadn't dated much and had no idea about dating in general, even at 40 but now removed, I see all of this was insane.

All of a sudden this Liz comes to visit for a weekend. I am a very trusting person and told them they should spend some time alone, go for a walk. This woman was pretty cold towards me and later I realized why.

My ex started talking to her in October, shortly after we started dating. By March she officially left me for this woman and drove states away to Minnesota to be with her. She threatened a RO on me if I ever contacted her and told me I was a horrible person.

Fast forward a week later and I receive 200 (yes 200) calls from her en route from Minnesota to home. You want to know what she did? She went to Minnesota and officially broke up a marriage. Then, she spent a week vacationing (and having lots of sex---her words not mine) with her ex. Then one day her ex was combing her hair and it reminded her how much she loathed this woman and what a huge mistake she made... .
and she ran back to me.

And I being the stupid eff took her back.

She used this woman who she dated on an off for many years, cheated on with several exes who still are "friends" with her.

Eventually she just left me for someone and ghosted me completely. Haven't heard from her in over a year.

With each recycle it hurt more and I will say the final well "final" discard (you never really know with a BPD) is extremely painful. I kept trusting someone who had proven to not be trustworthy.

In my opinion, I would back away. I know you are hopeful (I've been there), I just don't believe it ever ends well.

Just my two cents... .I wish you luck!
 

[Pretty Woman]

On a side note... .when he left and you were suffering, did he help ease your pain? Where was he when YOU needed him?

You owe this guy nothing my friend. Why be there for him when he wasn't there for you. Something is wrong with that picture.

You deserve better 

[UnforgivenII]

WOW you are all so right.
I am a stupid

[Pretty Woman]

You are not stupid. You are a good, loving person who deserves the same back.

I think his communication with you triggered your "white knight" instinct to save him. This is so normal if you are a caregiver like many of us are.

Keep in mind, he will survive. They ALWAYS do. There is only one person you can save... .

yourself.
 

[Sadly]

You really are not stupid. Listen here, everyone cares   x

[C.Stein]

I want... .nothing.

If I may ask ... .why did you agree to meet him?

[amunt]

Fast forward a week later and I receive 200 (yes 200) calls from her en route from Minnesota to home. You want to know what she did? She went to Minnesota and officially broke up a marriage. Then, she spent a week vacationing (and having lots of sex---her words not mine) with her ex. Then one day her ex was combing her hair and it reminded her how much she loathed this woman and what a huge mistake she made... .
and she ran back to me

Hahahah, this is so funny. They have a mind of a 10 years old

I am afraid, maybe the law can accused us for pederasty ? 

[Sadly]

None of it's funny. Why did you agree to meet him? Do you know what you want or do you think when you meet it will make things clearer one way or the other? Grant you strength whichever you choose and remember here are your friends.   x

[amunt]

He wants to talk. We are meeting tomorrow in the evening

Yeah , this is a really good time to ghost him now  

[Sadly]

Emulating a BPD persons habits is not liberating, it brings you down to their level. In some ways it is worse because you know what you are doing and in not all cases but some they are driven by their mental illness. If you decide not to see him then let him know that, and then block all contact, deny yourself the means to contact and be contactable, it works both ways, then start the painful process of healing, with help from everyone here. Take it from one who is hurting and struggling, it is the hardest thing I have ever done but as I am assured here, it will get better,   

[Herodias]

Be careful, mine came around to do more damage... If you know that going in... .you can be prepared. Usually the pattern will continue unless he apologizes and changes his ways... .the problem with that is that you won't know. You may think you have some new knowledge of the disorder and want to try it out... .be careful with that. In this case, you are the one who will now have trust issues and you may be blamed for not getting over it. Really think it through... .good luck.

[amunt]

Emulating a BPD persons habits is not liberating, it brings you down to their level. In some ways it is worse because you know what you are doing and in not all cases but some they are driven by their mental illness. If you decide not to see him then let him know that, and then block all contact, deny yourself the means to contact and be contactable, it works both ways, then start the painful process of healing, with help from everyone here. Take it from one who is hurting and struggling, it is the hardest thing I have ever done but as I am assured here, it will get better,   

Why she need to explain ? She is not ghosting him for no reason, he know what he did.
In my opinion best way is to not respond to him at all

[fromheeltoheal]

He wants to talk. We are meeting tomorrow in the evening.

After EMDR treatment and having been on the verge of suicide.

Labeling yourself stupid won't help Unforgiven, but what you are is unhealthfully bonded to this guy.  We know that because look at those two sentences above; it doesn't make rational sense that you would go back, but you planned to go there anyway.  And the thing about unhealthy bonds like that is they get stronger with time, not weaker, as the dysfunction continues.

You didn't ask for advice, and I certainly wouldn't judge you negatively, but this is a case of treating it like you're being electrocuted, you fling yourself away from it as hard as you can, which is all you can muster because you don't have much self control under those conditions, and then figure things out once you land.

My two cents, and take care of you!

[Butterflies free]

Unforgvien,

Stupid? You are faaar from stupid... .if anything, your willingness to be accessible to him after the way he treated you shows me that your heart is not hardened and bitter and what he did was successfully manipulate your big beautiful heart.

You owe him nothing. He deserves nothing from you.
The BPD's inability to feel empathy or compassion is a defense mechanism of the illness... .those wonderful attributes inhabited within a healthy person only compounds a BPD's guilt and proves their illness is alive and well... .the simple gesture of kindness in empathy could completely cripple them in despair.

My exBPDbf and I have NC for 15 months. Getting through all the "firsts" without him was rough, I am not going to lie... .the first Thanksgiving alone, etc... .however, I remembered quite vividly how I was made to feel when he ignored me, cursed me on my bday, raged in my face over curtains... .and in 2 hours, forgot all about any mistreatment toward me... .

It's psycho... .most people want and need a sense of safety, security and stability.
You will NEVER have any of the above with a BPD partner. They just aren't capable.

We have all fallen for the desires of our heart. What the heart wants needs to be checked with what the brain knows... .

No one is judging you... .we are all here to help one another... .unfortunately, odds are, he will hurt you again... .tread lightly and offer nothing... .he will at some point use your vulnerability and hurt you with it.

When he badmouths the woman he flashed before you, know, he also bad mouthed you to her... .

Wipe your eyes... .smile... .look in the mirror and be thankful you have the ability to move forward and fall in love with the depth of respect, humility, compassion. The reward of this ability will be a healthy heart woven with the fibers of peace

[Larmoyant]

Unforgiven, you're not alone, I can imagine being in your situation and not being able to say no. It scares me and I'm scared for you. Please be careful. Try to get clear in your head. Maybe reread all your old posts, journals, etc. Remind yourself of the hurt and anguish. Him waving another woman in your face must have been incredibly painful. You mention suicidal thoughts and I can relate to those too so the stakes are very high. Will be thinking of you. 

[bschooled]

On a side note... .when he left and you were suffering, did he help ease your pain? Where was he when YOU needed him?

You owe this guy nothing my friend. Why be there for him when he wasn't there for you. Something is wrong with that picture.

You deserve better 

It's posts like these that keep me coming back to creep
This forum. Thank-you, PrettyWoman. I needed this reminder tonight.

[Pretty Woman]

Beschooled,
    Sometimes that's the only rationale that resets my mindset from missing the psycho. It's hard. I felt and do feel for my ex. She is broken and was treated so badly from childhood on. She even told me she had frontal lobe damage from her dad throwing her into a wall. How could I not be compassionate... .

But when someone shows you who they are, time and time again... .compassion my arse, you need to save yourself!

When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them. Words are nothing when actions don't follow.

I think of when she told me how her husband was this stand up guy (she met him while pregnant with another mans child). He wanted to keep it and she gave the child up (very wise move). Then she got pregnant and out of spite told her husband she aborted HIS child.

Mind you I know these are all blaring red flags. What normal person does this to another person? This is not the Jerry Springer casting call.   This poor guy tried to commit suicide after that. It's very scary and very sad. In one sentence she would call an ex a brutal rapist... .in the next she would be calling them for support.

I wanted to save someone who is the ultimate survivor. If there was a nuclear bomb, twinkles, cockroaches and my ex would survive only now she'd be a narcissist instead of a BPD because She'd have no one to mirror But herself.

The hardest part is letting go of wishing you did something different. No matter what you did the outcome would have been the same, perhaps just the timeframes differing. That's what you need to realize. Sure we all contributed to our relationships but they were unhealthy and not good for US. We need to stop focusing on them, they are gone and not thinking about us.  We need to take care and heal what we can control... .our lives. 

[JerryRG]

Love this:

I wanted to save someone who is the ultimate survivor. If there was a nuclear bomb, twinkles, cockroaches and my ex would survive only now she'd be a narcissist instead of a BPD because She'd have no one to mirror But herself.

Thank you for this Pretty Woman and for all the rest of your posts, this part made me laugh, bitter sweet truth but still funny.

I'm still not able to feel sorry for my exgf, I hope one day I can see the whole person, not just the parts I don't care for. I've lost sight of anything good in her.

[lovenature]

The new woman seems to be a friend.

It is typical for PWBPD to have many "friends" of the opposite sex; these people are usually orbiters that give the PWBPD narcissistic supply, and soothe their emotions.
The truth is once you have broken up and are trying to detach, if you continue to have contact with your ex. you will be another source of supply and will continue to be hurt (also hurts your ex.).

I am definitely not judging you, or what you decide to do; I have had numerous "encounters" and recycles with my ex. while trying to break up and maintain NC. I can tell you I am now over 9 months out, and things become clearer the longer you maintain NC and the more you learn.
I hope things work out for you.

[heartandwhole]

What's happening, Unforgiven?

Let us know how you are getting on.

heartandwhole

[sweet tooth]

And yes I've been to the point of ending my life to get away from her.

The stakes are very high.

Jerry, I had no idea that you were suicidal at one point.  I'm really sorry to hear that.