I'm a mess

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am beyond hurt right now, I want to just not be here anymore. I cannot believe the pain these people put us through . It is beyond forgivable! I have been no contact with my wife for a month and a half, yesterday I find out from a mutual friend who is taking over the house we moved into that when they met at the lawyers office to fill out paper work that since we are civil union married that we need it dissolved. So she started the process and didn't even have the decency to call me , I hear it from someone else! I am so incredibly hurt that she can just overlook the last 7 years like they were nothing , walked away and never looked back just like that! Who the hell are these people! Why does it hurt so much? I want the pAIN to go away!

[Tired68]

I am beyond hurt right now, I want to just not be here anymore. I cannot believe the pain these people put us through . It is beyond forgivable! I have been no contact with my wife for a month and a half, yesterday I find out from a mutual friend who is taking over the house we moved into that when they met at the lawyers office to fill out paper work that since we are civil union married that we need it dissolved. So she started the process and didn't even have the decency to call me , I hear it from someone else! I am so incredibly hurt that she can just overlook the last 7 years like they were nothing , walked away and never looked back just like that! Who the hell are these people! Why does it hurt so much? I want the pAIN to go away!

[Surnia]

Hi Tired

I am so sorry about what happend to you! 

This is really tough, I would be hurt and angry too!

Yes, it is beyond. It is the mental illness.

Do you have friends to support you right now?

Please stay tuned, we care about you. 

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Tired68,

    I went straight for this post as I 'identify with' being a mess most of the time when it comes to the BPD in my life.  Hey, it really isn't true for me though and probably not for you either.  You're asking the right questions.  Find out who 'these people' are by reading on this site.  More importantly, find out who the "non" is, as that half of the equation is even more important to the bizarre r/s than the BPD half.  There actually is a way out of the pain we feel, but it isn't just time (it doesn't really heal ALL wounds).  It lies in doing the work you need and getting to where you understand what's been going on inside you -- because, in the end, the only part of the couple that is able to change is you.  You can do it.  You're not a mess.  There are some very good reasons why it hurts so much which you can read about here, and you can and will get to where the pain will go away if you try hard enough.  We're with you.

LT

[drv3006]

I am a mess too.  However, I am not going to let their disease to lure me in to their diseases' behavior.   Its funny, all the stuff he did to me makes me want to yell and accuse and get even and do all the things he has done to me.   Makes me feel such horrible pain that I don't want to go on.  Which is also one of their symptoms.  I am not BPD, I am not a liar or a gaslighter or a projectionist.   But with him I began taking on his characteristics to prove a point.   Let's be the strong people we once were.   I am keeping my eye on the prize now.  Which is to get my sanity back.   Again, I am sorry that they have this disease.  I don't know about any of you but mine had me so messed up I believed his crap, started engaging in his word games all the while reading about BPD thinking Geez, I have this too.   No, we get sucked in.  I am gonna guess you are a good person who just fell for the "I can help, I can handle, I will conquer"   Well, that is their job. They need to help themselves, handle their disease to the best of their ability so they can conquer those small things that they like to blame all of us for.  I think I sound mean, but I don't want to see a nice person who accepted them for who they are disease and all feel awful. 

[Tired68]

Thanks all. YES I was the giver, the saver the I feel sorry for her because of her messed up childhood. I tried giving to her what she never had ( bday cakes , Christmas tree) she is Vietnamese and Buddhist but her son is catholic and we would put a tree up for him. I tried too hard . I forgave her for cheating on me the first time 5 years ago after she begged and cried for my forgiveness, she even called him in front of me and put him on speaker phone . Then we got married march 2012. Bought this house , then April she goes to her sisters wedding and I bust her ! She took him ( yes the same guy she had an affair on me with) and they all lied to me. I am beyond hurt. They are all denying it, she is denying it . I don't know what the truth is . All I know is that I don't know what to believe anymore. She never loved me. It was all a big game!

[drv3006]

Tired, 

Well, yes you sure have been through it.   Not fair, I know.  However, you are a person.  A child of whatever God you choose to believe in.  A person worthy of love and kindness.   Accept her as the person she is.  Don't have to like it though.  Just can't change her.  Nothing you will do or say can change her and more than nothing you can do or say will change someone with Cancer or any other illness.  So,  I believe there are some tough skinned people who can handle relationships like this.  I also accepted that I am not one of them and I have to move on.  Its hard.  Did I love him.  Yes, I think maybe I just thought I was gonna be that one person he would see that would show there are nice people in the world.  Not gonna happen.  Did he ripped my selfesteem to shreds, you bet.  Did he make me think I was going crazy and that I was wrong for everything.  You bet.   Am I exhausted you bet.  But, I hope that you can see one thing about yourself that is endearing and that is you are have forgiveness faith and trust.  Nothing these people have.  Use it for yourself now.  Its hard I know.  I am trying with you.  We can both slip fall and pull ourselves out of this with the help of others. 

[Mr gaga]

I'm a mess myself. Didn't get to sleep till 4 last night blaming myself 4 months after everything went down. I'm in so much emotional pain bc I gave all I had and when she left me for another guy I was left with nothing. I'm just taking it all on day by day, not much I can do other than that sadly...

[drv3006]

I under stand Mr. Gaga.

Well, Tired, Gaga and Me are all a mess, but we got each other.  Anyone else a mess?   I'm guessing quite a few.

[Tired68]

I just broke no contact and texted her how I feel , and wished her the best with the new guy, even though she and everyone deny it. I'm done !

[drv3006]

Well, we all have broke contact before.   Be prepared for the odd response, or no response at all.  You just never know.  The only thing constant with these relaships is the chaos!  I never was that great of a dancer.  So I plan on stopping the dance.   It doesn't stop till someone decides to let it go.   

[Mr gaga]

I just broke no contact and texted her how I feel , and wished her the best with the new guy, even though she and everyone deny it. I'm done !

I'm to scared to reach out to my ex, If she doesn't even reply it would bout kill me. I guess the fact that she hasn't attempted to contact me in 4 months is a sign that I'm not even worth checking up on. Sigh

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tired68, what are you hoping or expecting to get from your wife in response to your text message?  I think Lao Tzu put it well above: the most important person to work on is yourself, because those w/BPD suffer from a personality disorder that makes change difficult if not impossible for them.  Maybe it would help to sit with your emotions?  Just observe, without the need to take any action, in a spirit of mindfulness.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[Lao Tzu]

Hi, my family!

    Just a thought on the rescuing thing that is part of our contribution to the collective insanity that is BPD.  I heard an old Tom Petty song yesterday where, after seeing how bad off someone was, he says (frankly a little shocking to me as I never thought about the words before) "It don't really matter to me.  Everybody's got to fight to be free.  You don't have to live like a refugee".  How could anybody see someone wallowing in pain and not take it upon themselves to free them from that?  It seemed like a completely foreign language almost; certainly something bizarre.

    Then, I realized that it's my 'language' that is bizarre and non-productive.  Also, it's non-productive in the sense that it is part of what produces the "Non"    The truth is, I think, that the mature approach to seeing someone in pain doesn't involve taking that pain on our shoulders.  We may think we're being noble, but we're really just trying to get love and approval like we tried to when we were kids.  It's a lot more adult for us to stand off and it's a lot better for the person in pain too.  They can't use us for the support that allows them never to need to make the internal changes needed to figure out they need therapy.  He's really saying "I respect you enough to know that this is your battle and I respect myself enough not to make it mine" It's a very empowering statement and it was very telling for me that I had such a strong negative reaction to it initially.

    "I'm not worth checking up on."  "... . blaming myself 4 months after everything went down"   " YES I was the giver, the saver the I feel sorry for her because of her messed up childhood. I tried giving to her what she never had"  So much (perhaps somewhat self-serving [sorry]) 'saving' and so much self-loathing!

    A hundred years ago my colleages in another life used to analyze very complex situations using very simple (to the point of being amusing) rules that no one could argue with.  One of them was "The patient is the one with the disease." We need to accept deeply that the sick person (patient) here is the one with the problems and we have to acknowledge that he/she will have "to fight to be free" from them.  It isn't on us.  :)on't make yourself the "one with the disease"

LT

[Tired68]

Lt thanks for your insight as well as everyone else's. yes they have a disease its apparent to us not to them. I wrote a long text in letter form and just let it out! I could not stand not having any contact and feeling all this. It was making me sick, palpitations , chest heaviness and knots in my stomach. I do feel better after writing it, I don't care if I get a response or not , it really doesn't matter at this point does it. I know who I am, I know I am capable of real love.  She is a coward and a liar , and I no longer have to walk on eggshells wondering . Life is too short and I must pull my pants up and walk the walk . Yes i am hurt, yes there are times when I feel I can't go on. But when someone can walk away from you LET THEM WALk , they do not hold the key to our destiny . If they were meant to be they would be by our side. I think she knew I figured her out, now onto the next so she now can hide and pretend . Lets face it this was a traumatic ending for me, leaving me in a house that's not in my name and I have to leave, leaving her stuff here and telling everyone she is afraid to call me (playing victim) my credit is screwed, oh well hard lesson learned. I guess there is a reason for everything and I am praying that something better is coming because this has been the hardest and most difficult loss I have endured next to my mothers death and that is also hard because my wife was my ROCK through it all and now she is gone . Time they say will heal... . I'm waiting

[cylec]

Count me in.

I won't tell my story because ya'll already have.   Seems it is always the same, just the name and faces change.

Thank heavens for this board, it is one of the things keeping me sane right now through this hurt.

I under stand Mr. Gaga.

Well, Tired, Gaga and Me are all a mess, but we got each other.  Anyone else a mess?   I'm guessing quite a few.

[Tired68]

Ok I feel worse! Why did I write her! Now I'm mad at myself!

[goldylamont]

Tired68, it does feel good to write things down like you did in the text, but it doesn't necessarily feel good later when you send it. What I do normally before i post anything or send a text like that that i'm unsure of is i type it all out in a text editor, then i let it sit for a day. the next day i'll come back and read it and decide then if it's something i want to send.

[clover528]

Yes, I am a mess. I am fighting the urge daily to not engage in the madness. My situation is a bit more complicated though. No matter the current state of affairs, I hurt too. I have grieving to do and anger to get through and questions unanswered. The gambit. Hang in there Tired. You can see we are all in this mess together one way or another. Go easy on yourself for text. Next time, take some of the other members advice. Write it out, sit with it, bury it or burn it or if you absolutely have to send it. But release yourself from the guilt and blame. That comes from within. Good luck to you. 

[Tired68]

I actually did write many letters and didn't send them , but I just needed to get some things off my chest. I just have to get over the expectations I have. The sudden exit in her part is and was devastating to me. It just amazes me because at one time we were so in love , and I guess denial plays a big part for me. I just want to feel better , I feel like I can't breathe. Tightness in my chest all the time. I am one big ball of anxiety. When does it stop? Will i ever stop loving her? What is wrong with me? That is the question!

[Lao Tzu]

Insert Quote

"Ok I feel worse! Why did I write her! Now I'm mad at myself"

My fellow mess-y ones,

     You will stop writing when you're ready to.  Not sooner.  Michael Jordan was cut from his high school team.  If he'd reacted by being angry with himself and spending his intensity on that, he'd be loading trucks somewhere for a living right now.  Give yourself a break (you might actually deserve it).  To strain the metaphor, you're getting some good coaching here and you'll improve the minute you start having some faith in yourself.

     The biggest battles we messed up people have to fight are self-esteem issues.  If you think about it, our low self-esteem is exactly how the pwBPD was able to get his/her hooks into our minds in the first place.  I mean, honestly, if you judged your worth yourself, why would you care if someone else judged you to be the greatest thing since sliced bread?  There would never have been a honeymoon phase and there would never be endless re-cycling in the vain attempt to recapture the honeymoon phase.  One gift my pwBPD 'gave' me is that I would now likely laugh my azz off if anyone ever looked at me with big eyes and told me I was their other half.  Really? So, you're only half a person? Yuck!  I judge myself and I'm trying to be as kind to myself as I am to others.  Would you condemn someone else on this board if they had contacted their ex? No.  Try being as kind to yourself; no one needs you to be perfect and that's the weakness that underlies our messed-up-ed-ness.  Give yourself the love they gave you and they will have no more power over you.

LT

[Tired68]

So I just got off the phone with a friend of mine and we were talking and she told me . there is a lesson that we learn from our breakups, it basically makes us take a good look at ourselves and we become better people because of it. she told me to go all the way back to the beginning of our relationship and think, or pull up some old letters and try and see where it went wrong. so I have been thinking and I know my wife was a very passive woman, she did not like confrontation, she was very soft spoken , I however am the opposite, I would get angry when she didn't talk to me or would stay quiet if there was an issue. It makes me think now that maybe this was my fault, maybe she got sick of me and just shut down and then she couldn't take it and just ran into someone else's arms. I do not want to feel this guilt, that would kill me. I know that I am not an angel here, there were times I would tell her I want better communication, there were times when I would change my way and be calm and try to understand who I was dealing with. I remember our anniversary this year in march she gave me a card and wrote in it that she loves me and see's how much effort I am making to make the r/s work and that I must have the patients of a saint, she went on to say that she knows she contributes to most of the problems and she wants to fix it so we could have a child together , at the end she said she hoped for many more anniversary's together. that was this march! june I catch her lying and she leaves and I have not heard from her. did she have enough? was it me?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tired, Maybe you could look back at your relationship as something that wasn't meant to be, regardless where the blame may or may not lie.  Sometimes it's just a bad match.  In my experience, a BPD r/s is near impossible to sustain over the long haul, so you have a lot of company here.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[hoping4hope]

Lao Tzu what you said here:

   A hundred years ago my colleages in another life used to analyze very complex situations using very simple (to the point of being amusing) rules that no one could argue with.  One of them was "The patient is the one with the disease."

There is some principle here that I've been trying to put into words.

The simple rules are where we start and then after all the thinking and agonizing we end up back at those simple rules.  They have more complexity in their simplicity.

A hundred years ago in my life, we had to remember that it was the victim's pain.

Also, that the victim was more than the crime committed that was against them.

Simple statements but crucial and very, very hard to implement.

[Tired68]

is it my fault she didn't have a voice!

[hoping4hope]

It is NOT your fault that she didn't have a voice.

You came into this story after it already started.

Your pwBPD, relationships are less real, people are less real.

You are less real to her than she is to you.

Gosh I remember the frustration you are feeling.

[Tired68]

This is just so hard, why , because the no contact I think is really killing me, it is the most cruel way to treat someone. I don't get the chance to talk to ask her why, to ask her what they heck happened or just to find things out. leaving someone like this is not right, it is like a form of punishment. I don't want to reconcile I just want the opportunity to talk, to come to terms with why she did what she did. it wasn't all bad. is she ashamed? she keeps telling people she is afraid to call me , WHY? I never abused her... .

[hoping4hope]

Dear Tired assuming your ex had BPD... . then this end was most likely inevitable. You were at some point going to cut off. This is her pattern. It doesn't matter who she was with. They would end up where you are right now.

You deserve better but are not going to get it from her.  Peace tired. Get some rest this weekend.

[Moonie75]

Telling people she's afraid to call you makes her sound like a victim. She'll relish that because it eases guilt.

Factually it's also probably true! She's afraid to call you because she'd have to face upto her behavior & that compounds the guilt she's so afraid of facing. She's not mature enough to face it. And if she were, she'd be mature enough to have behaved better in the first place.

[Moonie75]

How come I see so others BPD behaviors so clearly & I'm still so $hite with my own BPD ex girlfriend?

[Lao Tzu]

Moonie, my friend, the F.O.G isn't there when it's someone else.  Clarity is much easier.

LT