Still stuck

[WitzEndWife]

UBPDh is out of town at the moment, which has been very peaceful so far. Interestingly, I don't feel the same anxiety about being alone when he's not there as when he's there. Still, I'm annoyed at myself that I'm not feeling a push to make a move to end things.

I keep expecting that I'm going to feel some sort of "last straw" type of anger or disillusionment, but that never seems to happen, or at least not last. During his lengthier moments of splitting, where it lasts for a couple of weeks, more or less, I get to the edge and then things change in an instant.

Things have been fairly mellow over the past couple of months, but I think a couple of things are going on: one is that I have gotten so used to the negatives of him, that it seems normal and I'm numb to it; and, two, I don't think I'm in a place with my codependency work where I wholly believe I deserve better, or should seek out better for myself. I don't see being with him as this horrible injustice done to me, although many people who love me absolutely would.

I'm lucky that those who are close to me are supportive of me and know that I'm working through this in my own way. I know they want me to be free of him and to live a more fulfilling life. It's not that I don't want those things, but I feel kind of complacent right now. I went from yearning to get out to just, "Eh, that would be nice if it happened, but I'm fine" (like the dog in the burning house cartoon, I know).

All the while, as I said, I'm annoyed with myself for being this way. I wish I could just feel a powerful urge to "bust out of jail" or whatever this is, but I don't feel that. I'm doing everything my T tells me to do. I'm totally living for myself (within the structure of reason - I mean, I AM still married, so I can't be a total jerk). I just expected that I'd start to feel differently inside - and I do, but I feel more peaceful and less angry, which makes me less inclined to end it and save myself entirely. Has anyone dealt with this?

[Ozzie101]

I've felt that myself about 6 months ago. My uBPDh's verbal and emotional abuse had gone on long enough and I finally reached my limit. In my case, H finally started making a genuine effort to change and we were able to turn things around, but I know that that was kind of unusual.

But I definitely felt that frustration and confusion. I felt compelled to stay because I love H and I knew he was sick. At the same time, I was horrified and disgusted with myself for allowing his treatment of me to continue. I knew it was wrong and could hardly believe I was living that life. Yet, at the same time, a numbness started to settle in as well as a lack of feeling/caring. A part of me just didn't care what happened next. My therapist warned against that and urged me to keep in touch with feelings and emotions because that numbness could lead to some MAJOR problems. Our feelings and instincts are vital.

Do you think the peace and lack of anger are a numbness settling in, or a new feeling of confidence and empowerment?

[formflier]

and I do, but I feel more peaceful and less angry, which makes me less inclined to end it and save myself entirely. Has anyone dealt with this?

I'm going to suggest that 1 of the reasons you are less angry is there are less things going on in your life to be angry about.

As your boundaries get better and your pwBPD understands they are "real"..they test them less (your comment about him being better.

That leads to less things that you RESENT. 

Long term anger (which is what I think you are talking about) usually comes from resentment and at the base of it you are likely actually resentful/angry at yourself.

Big breath.

"how could I have let this happen?"  (how many times have you asked yourself that)

Well..with better boundaries...how often do you ask yourself that now?

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

True, I have been setting better boundaries and feeling overall less resentment (although there are things that are still there).

I think I feel a bit more confident and empowered, and therefore more at peace, but also I don't think I'm where I need to be.

The thing is, I'm not "in love" with my husband anymore, and haven't been for some time, and our values have diverged considerably. The friends he's made online have absolutely vile online personas. I don't get support from him. It's still like having a child rather than a partner. I know this is not long-term sustainable. I just wish I would have the passion and righteous support for myself to say, "I'm not going to spend more time here, I'm going to do more for myself," but I just don't FEEL that yet. It's terribly annoying.

[formflier]

So...there is a vast gulf between being in love and being abused and threatened.

It's completely understandable that you would not be "in love" with him when incidents still "kinda" fresh.

Perhaps not still "raw"..but not a distant memory either.

I see this is that you are on the right road.  Please don't prejudge how you will or "should" feel.  Keep making healthier decisions and then see how they go.

1.  Did he ever pay back that money he took without asking?
2.  Did you ever accept his offer to go somewhere and make money to contribute?

3.  What's status of job/pay cut/company situation?

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

WEW, I know of that feeling of calm when alone.  In fact, I feel it now.   

uBPD H went on a deep sea fishing trip for several days, and I don't have to "answer" to him for anything.

I am  depressed for being stuck in this marriage and too stuck to leave it. 

My nerves and health are shot. I suspect most of it is due to my marriage to this uBPD man.

[PeteWitsend]

...
Things have been fairly mellow over the past couple of months, but I think a couple of things are going on: one is that I have gotten so used to the negatives of him, that it seems normal and I'm numb to it; ...

Have you journaled conflicts yet?

I started doing this, as I found I would completely forget about the reasons and duration of fights within a couple weeks.  I'm not sure if it was because I was becoming numb to the fights or just that between work and home, I had so much going on that weeks seemed to go by in the blink of an eye, and I could barely remember what I had for lunch, let alone whether we were on speaking terms three weeks ago.

 Big, week-long fights were hard to forget, but the random hour-long blowups before bed that lead to 2-4 days of silent treatment before we both just moved on were easy to forget.

I got a day planner and would just make a notation for how our day together went, any fights, and notes about what started the fight. I left it in my desk at work. 

i was amazed to discover that even in months I remembered as "good" we were either fighting or not talking to eachother from 30-40% of the time.  so in a 30 day month, that was 9-12+ days of not speaking to eachother. 

[PeteWitsend]

EDIT: hit send before I posted the rest:

I also noted times when I tried to extend an olive branch only to have her coldly ignore it, and "punish" me with several more days of ST.

looking back over the months I documented, I really did get a sense for the entitlement she felt; she never thought I would end it, and felt secure that she could continue to act however she wanted, without any consequences.  

given that I had nearly divorced her once before, only to see the pattern resume once she felt the threat had passed, I realized this was just how it was always going to be with her, and when I eventually did file for divorce, I ignored her pleas to me to reconsider, and her empty promises to change.  I had no reason to suspect it would be any different

in regards to the pressure you're putting on yourself - Just a random couple thoughts -  If things are tolerable right now, & you can do things you want to do, enjoy them while you can, and don't beat yourself up over it.  since you're not in any pressing danger (physical, financial or mental) you have no need for any urgency.    

maybe set reminders to yourself to look back in a few months and see how things changed or stayed the same, so you can gain a bigger perspective of your marriage.  

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks everyone, for the thoughts. I've been busy and haven't been able to adequately respond. However, I think you all bring up important points. One is that maybe I am a little hard on myself regarding how I *should* be feeling. My T today said that I need to keep my new perspective switched on when I'm dealing with my H, so when he says something painful, I can dig into that immediately, before I pop off and react. My method with people outside of my marriage is now getting pretty good and consistent. Someone says something hurtful and I immediately ask myself, "Why does that hurt me?" and go from there. It's also helpful for me to pull out of the situation and view it like I'm viewing a movie - trying to see things for what they are without letting them affect me personally. I've really been able to start recognizing and believing that a lot of the time it's really the other person's issues and not me, and that I don't need to automatically assume, just because the other person is making me feel bad, that I have done something wrong.
My T says I need to start doing this more consistently in my marriage, and through that I will begin to gain some perspective and start feeling less guilty. It's a process, I guess.

As for uBPDh and the finance situation, he has said he is going to apply for a 9-5. He has been out of town, so I don't know whether he will or not when he returns. That's always iffy and I never count on those things. I really can only count on myself here and that's okay with me. I actually feel a lot less stressed about being alone now, so that's a step in the right direction. He is taking care of the majority of his needs, and never asks me for money, although I still pay the house, insurance out of my paycheck, and groceries. He has said he was going to sell his other car, but he says he needs to fix some things on it first. That would help us save some money for sure, and it would bring in a few thousand bucks to help pay down bills. I'm past pushing. It only causes fights and never gets anywhere. I'm picking my battles for my own sanity here, and as long as we're not adding new expenses into the mix, and as long as he's feeling inspired to do more, we're in a decent place.

And, yes, my wages have still been indefinitely cut and I'm getting a meager monthly bonus. I'm cutting back on contributing to retirement during this time to try to help make up the difference (plus my stocks haven't moved much and we might be heading for a slight downturn, so there's that). I'm also looking for other opportunities and had four interviews last week, so it's not the end of the world. I'll make it!