Found a July 6th email from ex need reply help.

[Ecan]

Ok so on July 4th I gave up looking for my ex to contact me ,the only way she could do that was by email which is not on my phone or snail mail. July 4th was hard to get through so I gave up.. April 24th was the 4th and worse get out of my life note. It was so bad I assumed it was what y'all call being put into the black.
Today being  curios I started looking at old emails I see a different kind of email addresses sent on July 6th, I know it's from her. I tried to reply and it got sent back no shock there.
The email says.

Thanks for the bday gift.
 A lot of energy went  into it.
Hope life gives back 100% worth of energy
Glad for the chasum grateful no bridge can be built
Heard u might be moving out of town that is grate news   the breathing room distance is finally here!
Excellent! So glad goodbye is so much more solid
No one deserves to be abused.

I am so confused.I hate that I missed this email from her over 24days ago. It dose out me in a panic.

 First off I do want to write her a letter back. I am so not over her. I don't want to do it with a knee jerk though and yet I don't want to be slammed (which I totally expect) or used for any reason. It might even be to late for anything to be fruitful. I hate that she opened the door like that. I want to be smart about what I say. I am sick of regrets.

I didn't reply to her note or contact her on her birthday which was May 31rst because she said not to violate her anymore and to let her be so she can heal to find a healthy relationship. I thought it to be selfish of me to exploit her bday just to use as a excuse to contact her. It killed me to let that day go by without contacting her.

I never was moving out of town and we do not have mutual friends so this must be in her head or bait?
I can't see me not writing a letter. So guys what are some things to think about so I can do this as intelligent as possible.

[Ecan]

I just looked at the date when I decided to start detaching and it's July 6th. WTF. Boy doI feel sick.

[Longterm]

Hi Ecan.

I look at that and I honestly see bait. It's clear projection.

I think it's important to look at the reasons behind you wanting to write her a letter. Are you wanting to say a final goodbye, or are you looking to resume the relationship?

LT.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Ecan-

I’m sorry you find yourself feeling so off balance, especially realizing the e-mail was received over 3 weeks ago.  But I believe this delay was also your gift, a blessing.

First a question :  did you send your ex-gf a birthday gift?

If you DID send a gift,  then the first three lines of her note are clear.  She acknowledges your gift, thanks you for it, says that she sees thought and nice energy went into it and hopes for positive things for you.  That’s all good and validating.  Feel that!

The next two lines...

“Glad for the chasum grateful no bridge can be built”
“Heard you might be moving out of town... the breathing room distance is finally here”

I would interpret the above two lines as “taking and needing space”. -  for both of you.  Although painful, it’s important to “listen” to the words.  Honor the space.  It doesn’t matter that you’re NOT moving out of town, now is NOT the time for you to clarify (I don’t think).  I believe that will only heighten YOUR pain... and you are still healing.

“So glad goodbye is so much more solid”
“No one deserves to be abused”

I do NOT see this as a request for contact.  In her odd way, she is attempting to be respectful.  You and she had a difficult ending (goodbye).  And She is CORRECT!  No one deserves to be abused.

You don’t deserve to be abused, Ecan.

When you sent the birthday gift, the door was opened for contact.

She thanked you.  To keep the peace and to keep you on your healing journey, please engage in self-care and TRY not to respond.

Since it has been over three weeks since this email was sent, my view is that she was NOT looking for a response from you.  Otherwise, she would have sent another email, right?

The “gift” to you, is that you DIDNT see this until now.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ecan]

To be honest I want both.
I want a chance to say some things, clear the air and now that I'm  more aware it will be most likely  my side that gets talked about I still want to. I also want a chance to see if it could work since I have been working on myself. She's been in DBT and gose to Alanon.She's gone to therapy in the past. I want to see if much has changed in her end.
I think also a part of me wants to see if I can see her now that I'm not intoxicated by her. I want to see the mask everyone else sees if it's there. That's probably my ego.

[Ecan]

Gemsforeyes I did not send her anything. No gift no contact no nothing. I was trying to be respectful and also had fear to do so. That's one of the things that has me wondering. Since April I have not contacted her in any way.

[Longterm]

So if I have this right, the email was sent a week after her birthday?

[Mutt]

To be honest I want both.
I want a chance to say some things, clear the air and now that I'm  more aware it will be most likely  my side that gets talked about I still want to. I also want a chance to see if it could work since I have been working on myself.

I can relate with that. You said so yourself in your OP that she has nothing but negative thoughts about you.

I don’t think that you’re going to get the effect that you want by contacting her now in this emotional state if she only has bad feelings and thoughts about you. Give it time for the positive thoughts about you to come back that takes a little time by giving her space you just have to be patient.

I agree with doing the self work for you that will benefit you in romantic and non romantic r/s’s. Is she doing self work right now? That’s a personal decision that can’t be influenced externally by others it’s her choice if she wants to do the work or not. What if she she doesn’t change and is the same person that she is today? Is that a dealbreaker for you?

[Ecan]

Thanks guys this is fresh and I do plan to think on it. Y'all have given me some things to contemplate. I really don't want to do anything off a knee jerk reaction that's how I got myself in this situation in the first place.

Thank you Long-term for you starting my thinking process toward motive.
And Thank you Gemsforeyes for suggesting putting on the brakes. I still don't get the bday gift reference. My guess it was to stick it to me because it was Her bday that got our friendship started.?

[Ecan]

Longterm sorry if all scrambled.
Her last note of get out of my life was April 24th her birthday May 31, email was July 6th unfortunately the day I have up and left the reverse board and came here to the detach boad.

[Longterm]

Thanks for the bday gift.
 A lot of energy went  into it.
Hope life gives back 100% worth of energy 
Glad for the chasum grateful no bridge can be built
Heard u might be moving out of town that is grate news   the breathing room distance is finally here!
Excellent! So glad goodbye is so much more solid
No one deserves to be abused.  

I see anger, sarcasm and an attempt at getting a reaction out of you. I think you are still devalued to her.

  I am so not over her
I don't want to be slammed (which I totally expect) or used for any reason
 

I agree with mutt. If you do want to re-engage, I would wait until shes calmed down. You could set yourself further back here, i would think on it.

LT.

[Ecan]

Thank you Mutt for telling me you can relate.

 I hate this uncertainty stuff. I wish we could all say what we mean. I had lost all hope and then this and I really didn't want to loose a chance for contact. I hate my email address can't be transferred to my current phone. I do have guessing what the right thing to do is and I know it comes with the territory. 

I know my family and friends would go nuts if they knew she had contacted me. They might would take my tablet and hide it.

Thanks again for your insight.

[Ecan]

Longterm
I do see the anger and sarcasm. She kinda dose that When she's hurt.
I think I will take tonite and read over something's I have wrote down to remember things I might have forgotten.

Thanks and take care.

[Ecan]

Ok wait Longterm if the moving out of town is projection  dose that mean she is moving out of town?

[Longterm]

Hi Ecan.

I meant just in general. She is obviously upset and she doesnt want those emotions so she will project them onto you. She may feel abandoned because you have not contacted her. I think she may have expected contact on her birthday but because you didnt it may have made her reach out to you. Its confusing and it disorientates us especially when you have not sent a present or plan on moving out of town. In many regards, the email doesnt make much sense.

It's perfectly ok to feel panicked. I used to panic when I had contact from my ex. I think when we have these reactions we have to look at self care. If you are not over her it may not be the best time for you to contact either. If you are 100% sure you want to write that letter I would suggest you look at motives but also the pros and cons and how they will result in how you feel.

LT.

[Ecan]

Thank you for getting back to me tonight I don't think there will be much sleeping tonite. Thank goodness I don't have to work tomorrow. I do plan to do some work on getting centered now while it's quit. Do a meditation and see what my gut has to say. I haven't listened to it in a while I tend to get advice from others and ignore my gut then regret it... The pros and cons thing I agree is a must.

Thank you so much for helping me to think. I have had dreams of wanting to tie her to a chair and give her truth serum so I finally would know somethings. Like I said a dream.

Longterm your the best thanks

[Gemsforeyes]

Well darn...

Since you didn’t send a birthday gift that changes my ENTIRE perspective!  (Obviously...).  I’m so sorry I misunderstood.

Ecan, you’ve been working so hard on trying to heal your emotions around this painful experience.

I now see every word she wrote as extremely hurtful, vindictive and potentially damaging to you.  This does not reflect a “positive change” in her, regardless of what therapy she may be engaged in. 

As your other friends here have stated, you’ll be better served to engage in self-care right now.  I fear that any contact with her will backfire and create additional pain for you.  Most pwBPD are NOT interested in understanding OUR feelings.

Please take good care of YOU.

Again, I’m really sorry I misunderstood at first.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Longterm]

We all know how difficult it is, we understand.

If you cant sleep, maybe go for a walk or a 24hr gym? If your meditation doesnt work.

Another thing you could try is journaling, I and a lot of others find it very therapeutic to write our feelings down. I say this because of what you said in regards to tying her to a chair to get the truth out of her. This may be you attempting to gain closure, you also mentioned that you have regrets, writing them down may help too.

LT.

[Ecan]

Gemsforeyes it's ok I kinda had too many thoughts going on in my head when writing all of this. It was literally hours since I found the email before I got on here. I have to admit I do feel some anger for the first time at the appropriate time to feel it towards her. That's a change. I have not allowed myself yet to be angry at her for much. This email is a messed up one isn't it. I admit it it's messed up.

Thank you for seeing it and coming back you did it at just the right time for me to get in touch with some anger and for me that's Priceless.

[Ecan]

Has anyone had this experience with an odd email?

[Skip]

Thanks for the bday gift.
A lot of energy went  into it.
Hope life gives back 100% worth of energy
Glad for the chasum grateful no bridge can be built
Heard u might be moving out of town that is grate news   the breathing room distance is finally here!
Excellent! So glad goodbye is so much more solid
No one deserves to be abused.

Ugh. This note was meant to hurt you, make you spin.

Why? You can't know, but most likely she was in a "mood" 30 days after her birthday and she tried to push your buttons and get a reaction - upset you or make you jump. That would have provided some emotional release for her.

It's a little like a cat playing with a mouse... a cat has this natural instinct... it's hell on the mouse.

If you think about it, you have already answered her. Loud and clear. After sending that note, she was probably checking her email regularly waiting for your response. Eventually she realized that your message was "If you want to talk to me, contact me in a more respectful and motivating way."

And she answered you, too. "I'm not ready to treat you respectfully.".

Find peace in this Ecan.

I'm not a believer in playing games and "responding" by not responding... rarely is that what a good man does. This is one of those rare cases, however, where it makes sense to let it go.

She knows you. You know her. You both know the words to say to convey "I miss you" and "I'm releasing with grace" and  "I insult you".

Her note was the latter.

[Ecan]

Thanks Skip,

I am trying to accept that this might have been a distraction for her. A jab because her life is sucking right now.
It is confusing because In April she clearly stated for me to stop violating her and to leave her to heal so she can find a healthy relationship. She left It by saying she's rather be hated than to experience my love for her.

May 31rst came and she couldn't predict what I would do because I haven't been consistent with my actions because of my uncertainty of what to do in the past. Although she had never been so off the hook with her hurtful words before either with telling me to get out of her life. It's like she forgot what she wrote in April could that be it?

I honestly thought she was done with me on two accounts.
1. In Feb she moved back with her husband.( Which I admit I find it hard to believe they are just room mates)
2. The last note in April was really harsh and a lot of it untrue. I assumed it was what y'all call being painted black.

So yes this email did activate me heart hurts I spun.. I have been through a lot of ups and downs with this. I haven't been able to sleep. The good thing about being tiered from this is it lowers my defenses down enough where I'm trying to link the feelings of this email to my childhood. It has helped before to realize she has actually activated some childhood pain in me and the  pain is not all from her  that she is actually causing. Which helps me out with perspective of how I am actually feeling about her.

Thank you Skip for your feed back I admit it was hard to read. I guess this email is from a 3 year old and not an adult. It's hard to even think that.

[Skip]

It's like she forgot what she wrote in April could that be it?

Probably not. As you say, she hit a low point. People with BPD sometimes process their own hurt by hurting someone else.  It's a weird thing... and its very confusing to understand.

I honestly thought she was done .. // .. In Feb she moved back with her husband (which I admit I find it hard to believe they are just room mates).

It's not hard to imagine her reaching out to you to help process invalidation in her current relationship. She knows you adore her... that's validating. But it's not caring or loving or reconciling... it's being selfish and insensitive.

So yes this email did activate me heart hurts I spun.. I have been through a lot of ups and downs with this. I haven't been able to sleep. The good thing about being tiered from this is it lowers my defenses down enough where I'm trying to link the feelings of this email to my childhood. It has helped before to realize she has actually activated some childhood pain in me and the  pain is not all from her  that she is actually causing. Which helps me out with perspective of how I am actually feeling about her.

This is very insightful on your part, for sure.

I guess this email is from a 3 year old and not an adult. It's hard to even think that.

I wouldn't think of her as a three year old. She is being an emotionally immature adult... she knows your heart and she is toying with it as a means of coping with some stress in her life that she feels, some itch she needs to scratch.

People can be cruel. We can can be cruel, too. We don't need to judge. It is, however, helpful to be able to see it and know how to respond to it... or in thos case, not respond at all.

[Ecan]

Boy what a mess.

Thanks again Skip.

[Starfire]

The birthday gift reference is petty and passive aggressive.  She doesn't have the courage/ability/desire to say in a mature way that she expected you to acknowledge her birthday and was disappointed that you didn't.  So she used snark to make her point instead.

The rest of the message is more of the same.

Sorry if this feels harsh, but that email does not deserve your emotional energy.

[Ecan]

Thank you Starfire for taking the time to respond every angle helps.
No it doesn't sound harsh.
I do wish I could drop it. Im going back and forth now with feeling guilt about not taking a chance to contact her on her bday and I know that's my issue to face. Logically I am doing what she asked of me and I can't read her mind.

[MeandThee29]

Sorry if this feels harsh, but that email does not deserve your emotional energy.

Late on this round, but I agree. Don't do it.

[Ecan]

Thank you MeandThee29
I'm still with this. It amazes me how this is affecting me. It's like a war of my logic and insanity. I think apart of me still wants to be in denial that she is indeed a borderline disordered person. Wow what an emotional land mine.

MeadThee29 I do appreciate you checking in. It dose seem to be an overwhelming No Don't Do This!
A part of me wants it not to be true.

[Longterm]

It's designed to affect you Ecan. I had many attempts to coax me to react over an 18mth period and I ignored them all. Internally I was angry and fighting myself, I felt worthless and the wanting to defend myself was overwhelming. She knew nothing of this because outwardly I was silent, she never got a reaction and this helped me to start feeling better about myself, I took pride from the dignity gained.

I said all that because eventually she did break me down, she pulled on my heart strings and it has affected me mentally, it threw me off guard and made me disorientated. You are very lucky that you did not see that email the day it was sent and this is why NC is best to be implemented whilst your are being emotionally attacked, make no mistake what that email was.

Theres always someone to talk to here.

LT.

[Ecan]

Thank you Longterm,

I can relate to the feeling of being caught off guard and disoriented. I'm fighting logic and it sucks. This mess actually started in Nov and I want something that doesn't exist. I want to be able to write her a letter clearing everything up on my side of all this since Nov.and have her be ok with it however that is not reality. It is hard accepting the true reality of this situation. the reality that she is not who I thought she was.
I road by her house last night to see the reality that she and her husband are indeed living together and that was hard to do. I promised myself I would never go down that street ever again however I really needed a reality check. I got ill.

Thank you for your thoughts. It's a comfort knowing someone can relate. My friends and family, I am sorry to say are not good to talk to about this.
 I am so grateful for your effort to help me out.
I'm not sure if I'm making any since because I've only had a couple hours of sleep. I think it's time to sleep.