Introduction

[CharlotteM]

Hello, 
I am so happy to have found this group.  There is not an official dx, but after the last 9 months in therapy with my husband, we can say that based on our experience, we think his co-parent has BPD.  Since their breakup, they he has been able to keep the peace with her by agreeing to most things, and she has been decent between explosions.  He had a system for managing the chaos.  Now we are moving to another state and our therapist advised him to get a legal parenting agreement so there would be no question of abandoning his daughter, and she’s gone ballistic.  We have an attorney, but are looking for a new one who understands BPD and alcohol abuse, but so far, we see three strategies: The path of least resistance (give her what she wants as long as the child is safe), the path of transparency (ask the court for psyc evals, alcohol monitoring, and a guardian ad litem), or the path of a legal battle to the hypothetical death.  I would appreciate any thoughts on the best way to approach custody with an individual with BPD. TIA!

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

What does the current co-parenting schedule look like? How old is your stepchild? How long has your H been coparenting with her and how does she interact with you? How far away is the new state and what kind of arrangement does your H want?

Giving someone with BPD everything they want isn't likely to end well for the child 

When you mention BPD mom went ballistic, what does that look like for her? For example, text-bombing, screaming on the phone, showing up in person, refusing contact with the child, etc. Or all the above ...

There are some important variables when the courts get involved, including how high conflict BPD mom is. Bill Eddy of Splitting describes a high-conflict person (HCP) as someone who has a target of blame, recruits negative advocates, is a persuasive blamer, and has a personality disorder. Not all people with a personality disorder are high-conflict people, but all HCPs have a PD. HCPs are the people who take up a majority of resources in family law court so being in front of a judge seems to automatically raise suspicion that either one or both parents have a PD. Many of us have to work hard to present reasonable solutions with reasonable consequences (lawyers don't tend to do this without a client insisting on this).

In my experience, court kinda triggers HCP behaviors although some people here have such disordered ex partners that they can't quite get organized enough to follow through.

Something to be careful about is that if mom's alcohol abuse is bad, the courts may wonder why you aren't filing for full custody.

What did you find was lacking in the last lawyer?

Sorry for peppering you with questions. The details really help to get a sense of what things will look like for you.

[ForeverDad]

Often in the past it was claimed that the father typically got alternate weekends at best.  But some insightful experts raised the question, what if it is society's expectations that limit the father and even discourage him from seeking more than alternate weekends?

A number of fathers here, all reasonably normal persons, have gone the extra mile and more and did succeed in improving their parenting orders.  I lived with alternate weekends and an evening in between for over two years during a two year divorce.  When I exited the divorce I had moved up to equal time, thanks to an excellent Custody Evaluator.  Mother's behavior didn't improve, so I sought and obtained legal custody.  The  GAL was interested in a deal so I didn't get majority time but when her behavior still didn't improve, I returned to court and with the testimony of school teachers and the GAL I did get majority time during the school year.

This wasn't a sprint, it was a marathon.  In all, from separation (child was a preschooler) to the final order (child was about to start middle school), it was about 8 years.

Likely your plan to move in the future can't wait on an extended court process.  Court would have to assign professionals to gather needed information to make a decision.  That could be an in-depth Custody Evaluation, possibly CPS if there have been abuse allegations, even a Guardian ad Litem (GAL).  Past therapists often won't testify in court (to avoid lawsuits and licensing board complaints) but will behind the scenes inform the GAL or CE of their conclusions.

Since the father is moving away, the court will need enough information to decide whether there is substantive basis for the children to live majority time with him.  There may still be opportunities for the kids to have vacations and some major holidays with mother.  (Or if dad fails to gain the support of a new court order in his favor then he could ensure he has as much vacation time and holiday time as possible.)

Choosing a solid, unbiased, expert CE or GAL who is respected by the court is important.  Not just anyone is up to the task.  They can make your case or, as some found out, break it.

[Turkish]

What is your husband's thought (proposed schedule) about sharing custody between states?

[ForeverDad]

Relatively few of us reasonably normal fathers and mothers ever got domestic court to seek a diagnosis of BPD or some other acting-out PD.  Court typically doesn't try to fix the problem parent, instead ruling to set limits or boundaries to what each parent could do, based on evidence and documentation.

Claiming "father always..." or "mother always..." is too vague (hearsay) and largely ignored.  Actual incidents with some details are helpful.  Does dad have logs, journals or some other records of past incidents?  While those remain private and confidential, they can be referenced to refresh dad's memory.  Be aware that many here report that it seems courts are not interested in conflict older than 6 months before filing (legally stale) unless it contributes toward an actionable pattern of behavior.

Reality check:  It sounds unbelievable but many here did reach settlements, though usually it was long after the initial filings.  The disordered parent was simply too entitled and controlling to negotiate at the start.  But sometimes a looming trial or major hearing can overcome the sense of entitlement.

Some feel that courts are so reluctant to stand up and make decisions that they let the process string along until finally both parents relent and find some common ground.  Normal parents can do that but disordered parents, well...