CryWolf,

I'm so sorry that his happened. It hurts like hell to see our former partners seemingly move on so quickly. I've been there, too.

You have every right to feel angry, hurt, resentful. Let yourself feel. If you can, try not to weave a huge story to prop up your feelings. It know it's hard, but stay in your body if you can.

Question: just because the guy posted "my fave girl" doesn't mean they are seriously together, though? Could there be a different explanation than what you are thinking?

I've observed that many people (not just pwBPD) get into relationships rather quickly after breakups. There are lots of reasons for that, and none of them has anything to do with you. It's about her and what she needs in order to feel better.

I know that doesn't help make the pain go away. Keep posting, and I hope you'll do something really enjoyable and nurturing for yourself this weekend.

heartandwhole

sorry to hear that... I'm in this phase where I'm just waiting the same to happen to me, I feel better and better each day, but I think the worse is yet to come...

well, they both will be in pain as soon as she starts to destroy everything, I somehow feel sorry for all the future bf's who'll end up with someone like that, they just don't know what they are into

Hi C

Make no assumptions.

just continue on your path, not bending in the wind,
there is a lot to be said for being steady.  Be steady.

Believe half of what you see (visual, not social media) and none of what you hear.

best,  j

take it slow, CryWolf.

you cant short circuit the grieving process, and it was a few days ago that you were talking about how much your ex still deserves and how you want the chance to give it to her.

you can move on and see other people, while still taking the space to fully address and resolve your grief, but that requires some slowness.

i dont mean to be a wet blanket, and you have my congratulations, and im rooting for you; you know that. i also suspect if this goes badly or blows up, you will be badly, badly hurt, and the feelings for your ex will intensify.

keep us posted on things with the new girl on the Learning board. we can help keep things smooth, and hey, i want updates

I am scared of it blowing up too and bringing up wounded feelings again. But I am doing my best to take it slow, and just enjoy whatever happens. I do miss my ex but at this time, I hate her. I hate her for everything, and all the pain she put me through. I wish her the best but I need to move on from her. Maybe I am filling in the void, but I am not going to jump into another relationship just yet. I am enjoying my independence and see where things go with this girl.

Thank you for all the love and support, brother 


Hey Pearl 

Lessons I am applying are not jading, not trying to fix everything and just listen and be supportive. I am doing my best to not be clingy and needy like my ex accused me of and it has been paying off.

An example, two nights ago I went to her house and we went to the store. At the store she seemed like she had an attitude. Not towards me but she had a rough day and she mentioned it. So we were getting some stuff and she kept going off away from me. The old me would have chased and followed. New me, I went to get what I needed, and then we bumped into each other from across the isles, staired and she started smiling and laughing. One of those movie scene cute moments ...

Then we went back to her apt, and i did my thing. i was on her bed on my phone, and I could tell she wasnt ready to talk yet. She comes in and asks, "what r u doing?" and i respond with, "just chillin" and turn my head back on my phone. and then she comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom telling me, "its lonely in there" and i get up a minute later and go in there and then walk back out. then she comes in the bedroom and she is soo talkative, and telling me how much she loves how her skin cleared up, and etc. Letting her come to me when is ready instead of asking "whats wrong" or forcing a convo, works so much better.

another scenario, in the morning shes very quite. i get anxious and overthink like I need to start a convo, but instead i just leave the room a bit and play with her dog or made breakfast. then she comes and we start joking and she start a convo. the days before she will start convo while doing makeup, its all effortless if i just wait for when shes ready to speak. the old me, would be soo anxious and force soemthing out of nothing. We even talked about silence, and if shes okay with being together and having to make a sound and force a convo and we both agreed on it.

Other times, she tells me "youre so annoying" but this is her way of telling me she likes me. "kinda childish i know" and i told her, "you only call me annoying cuz u know u like me" and she says "how do u know" and i say "i can tell by the way u keep looking at me" and she smiles. I feel so damn confident. Old me would be so offended or try to get clarity or ask how im annoying. I have a take it or leave it attitude and I think thats why shes attracted to me. Of course im not being an ass to her. She does have fears that im probably only being nice to her for sex. she says how im nice but i can also be mean in a fun way which she likes. we say jokes and playful names without getting mad. Im just being myself and I have a smart ass mouth with witty comebacks and she loves that about me. I can be myself around her and not water myself down like I did with my ex.

I established boundaries with this girl by telling her I dont text much and that Id rather spend most of our time in person than on a screen. she thought it was cute. With my ex we spent so much time texting non stop and things got misconstrued. I dont want that with this girl. I do get "anxious" when she doesnt text after a while but i think thats normal when u date someone new. I tell myself shes busy and its okay. she always responds back right away when she can, and communicates so clearly. I love it. she even tells me where shes going, who shes with or what shes gonna do and I dont even ask her she just tells me. It feels good to have clarity and I appreciate it. My ex would make a big deal if i asked her any question regarding her plans.

Of course I am gaurded and this could end any moment. Her ex could come back, I did see a little box by the door with their old pics I think she is gonna throw it. I am doing everything I can to take it slow, not be insecure or jealous and just have fun with her. and so far its going well.

she makes most of the plans to see me. she invites me over, and last night she wanted me to sleep over and i declined because i dont want to seem too available. i just slept over 3 nights prior to that. I am the catch. she tells me how she loves my company and how she hasnt had fun or laughed in so long until i came along. i remember in class i always made her laugh too. She opened up to me a lot about things, we talked about trust and although it has been a week we feel like we connect. I am doing my best though to not take this to heart and be all in. Cuz this feeling could change.

Is there anything I should focus on? Any tools? I feel a bit behind on my tools.

Will do Once removed

looking back, the guy didnt say "my fave girl" he said "my pt girl"

pt= pharmacy technician. I helped her register, apply, and pushed her to find the job and he calls  his pt girl.F them both .

welp. That was fun while it lasted.

She told me her ex has been messaging her trying to make amends. She told me I have to stop texting her and she can only talk on snapchat. That means she is choosing to be with him, even though she told me how she hasnt felt so happy in so long and how we connect so well. I know she chose the ex based of their time together. I felt more like myself with this girl. She even got me 300$ music festival tickets (her dad got them for her) but still.

I told her, I liked her but i understand whats going on.

Back to self improvement I guess.

this is self improvement.

it took foresight, strength, and dignity to walk away CryWolf.

the old CryWolf and the old once removed might not have reacted the same way. the older, wiser CryWolf has too much going for him to get involved in that kind of mess.

i know its a bummer, man, and im hurting for you. take the time to lick the wounds. talk to us about it, we are here to listen.

youll bounce back from this.

how ya feelin?

One thing my ex said she loved about me is that she felt like she could be herself. I won't go into arm chair psychoanalyzing that.   

Cherish what was good,  even if it may not be finito given that you are still communicating.

Yeah, I hear you.  They can suck.

Work on your improving tools in the meantime.  If it's done then it's done. If it isn't then it isn't.  Either way,  they can help you either release her with grace (and yourself!), or maintain a connection for whatever comes next. 

I can never have anything nice Or be happy. When things start turning up in my life it gets taken away. I don’t know why my life is like this. I don’t know why people decide to leave me. I hate it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I give people the best of me only to be left over and over again.

I really liked this girl. I really bonded with this girl. I’m mad about the “what could of been”

I feel used. I feel like this could have been something special. Why is life so damn difficult?

That tough to experience Gilac   How are you processing everything?

This new girl seemed like she has some forms of BPD traits too. Idk why I attract girls who are always emotionally unavailable.

Hi Crywolf,

Why is life this way? That’s a tough question. Sometimes we blindly walk into relationship danger thinking we can handle it, sometimes we can’t read the warning signs, who knows. There are a lot of variable and no guarantees in life.

My love life has not worked out as I would have liked, or expected, but I’ve gotta admit I’ve had some fun and a lotta love along the way. And I know people who have it much, much rougher than me.

On the brighter days its easier to laugh at the absurdity of it all. On a dark day it can be pretty d—n disappointing.

I used to like to joke that I felt like Elizabeth Taylor without the jewelry at this point. Didn’t she have about 7 husbands or so? Well, life is long. I’m just gettin’ started!  

I think ya just gotta keep trying. Keep taking the lessons life gives you. Keep growing. Get back up day after day. But... it is also okay to take breaks…and even say, enough if that feels right.

Looks like this relationship may have a little more life in it? Is that right? What can you do to improve your chances this time?

sending you hope, pearl.

Hi CryWolf,

Losing the presence of parent at such a young age is a very deep loss that has most likely played a role in your relationships. Often, we set up situations that replay similar feelings so that we attempt to "right" what went wrong when we were helpless children. Do you think that could be playing a role in your romantic relationships?

It has definitely played a role in mine. One way I like to think of these kinds of issues (my father was absent physically and then emotionally in my childhood), though, is to remember that the worst has already happened, and I survived it.

What I mean by that is that as a child, we have much fewer skills to cope. As adults, we have experience, tools, and we don't completely depend on our parents like we did as children. When someone leaves us, our survival isn't at stake, like it feels to be when we are children.

So, even though people leaving you now may bring up that pain from your childhood, you are far from dependent and powerless. It's really, really tough, but you've got the means to endure and learn better ways of managing than you did then.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

Hello CryWolf,

I read your thread and was tinged with a bit of sadness. I am not very good in the advice column but a couple of things I hope you can take to heart.
First, actions always speak louder than words. It is very easy for people to smooth over conflicts, to make themselves feel like they are on your side. This girl who is back with her ex, she says all the right words--she tries to make you believe her well loved out thoughts and attentions. Yet, she is a friend but isn't. Remember--the actions mean so much more.

I can't imagine losing a parent at such an young age, that loss I think carries a couple of ripples for you going forward. I see a lot of GF left me statements. Let's start on point one, you can't control when or how you lose a parent. The reason your father left has nothing to do with you.

I do see a lot of talk about GFs in the past leaving. Let's start, relationships just end for a variety of reasons; some good, some bad, some mutual. To think one can make it throughout life without a failed relationship is asking a lot out reality. Try to keep some of those in that perspective and learn from them.

Let's talk about point positive... .do you have any friends that are guys? Life-long friends or people who are there for you? I feel like you are putting all your 'love' in the relationship basket where life is more than just couple pairing. A healthy life is looking at all the connections; yes tunnel-vision happens during emotional/life impacting times but look to capitalize on the finer points. Start listing them out--what is going well for you now? Let's hear about that so we can attempt to help grow past this.