Lost & Confused & Devestated

[Dazzle]

Hi, guess this post will follow a trend that you've all seen before!

Firstly I nor my ex are sure whether she has BPD or BP as at the time of breaking up last week she had no formal diognosis. Her GP has referred her for a MHA but a date was still to come through. All I know is that things have rapidly changed for the worse ever since she initially went to the GP the first time where they diagnosed her with D&A. Cue the normal prescription of happy pills and a 6 counseling sessions but ever since its all fallen apart and I don't know what to do following our second split last week.

Where to begin?

So life and it's ways through us some curve balls last year, stressful jobs, change of jobs, finances, battles with my ex over my own kids kinda left us in a hole come Christmas last year. I'd noticed a change in my ex around September as I had in myself due to the pressures we were under. We were trying to save money for a mortgage and was growing frustrated as we just couldn't get our savings up and due to me stepping away from my career and taking a job as a doorman to tied us over until I found another job. This took a lot longer than first thought. So our relationship was thrown off course as our work patterns were out of sync and we'd not spend as much time together. Distance started to creep in at this point and I grew frustrated at not having any joys on the job front whilst she grew frustrated at the financial imbalance between us. All of a sudden it felt like I was no longer good enough which she liked to verbalise to me. I'd be home when she was at work so I'd do the household chores and school runs which she hated. I'd often be criticized that I wasn't doing things the way she wanted, little things like pairing up socks the wrong way or putting things in the wrong draws. I found her criticisms petty but grow resentful as I was just trying to do my bit. The distance between us started to really feed in to my insecurities as well as her constant criticisms of me. So come Christmas things had sunken to a new low after what had been a happy year for us or so I thought.

I knew I had to sort my job out and come March this year I'd got a good job again and I honestly thought being back in sync time wise would bring us back together. The moment I finished on the doors is when she opened up about her feelings of D&A and how me working on the doors had effected her, the insecurities about other girls hitting on me, the financial issues etc etc... To be honest it was a relief as as mentioned I'd seen a change in her in September and it was evident we were struggling as a couple. I honestly thought her opening up, seeing her gp and my job change was going to bring things back on track for us. As well as this my battles over access to my kids had been sorted by this point. As stated she went to the GP and got meds which had some side effects so a change followed so that was tricky as well. Around this time her alcohol use had spiraled in to misuse and she told me she had started self harming. She told me she had cut herself following an argument and although I was calm on the surface I was freaking out inside. I really didn't know what to do or say as it all started to click that I was watching the woman I love slowly spiral and my mind went back to when that started back in September.

It got to the point that I felt me and my problems were effecting her as she started blaming me for everything that was wrong with her, us and our lives. I still loved her and although at times my resentments crept in my insecurities were also running high as well as fears of her leaving me and no matter what I tried I just couldn't bridge the distance between us however we'd have moments where it all seemed we were ok and we could push through. Both our jobs were stressful and she was struggling at work as was I as things between us, my concern for her took me over and I was distracted by things so didn't focus on work. Our nights together were consumed be her talk of work and how she hated it. Our sex life had started to suffer as well so intimacy was at a low but I was paitent with this however she would always cuddle up with me and seemed to crave that from me and to be honest just having that made me feel things would be ok but it always felt like their was a elephant in the room. It got to the point where nothing seemed to work and we couldn't fix the rot that had set in.

Come June this year I felt isolated from her and although as she went through the counseling process she appeared to be getting better I could see in her face and eyes that she wasn't ok. One day I was at work and I got a feeling things weren't ok and upon returning home her distance from me led to us arguing. She said that she was faking everything and that she wasn't ok and she was free falling. I pulled her up on her alcohol misuse and said that she always had a glass of wine in her hand whilst at home. She was drunk most nights. I got to a point where I felt she was ill because of me and when I mentioned this she confirmed this by saying it was all my fault. Now if you'd have told me this was going to lead us to break up I'd have laughed at you but that's exactly what happened. I packed a suitcase and left.

Following our break up she became angry and sent abusive txts of an evening. Knowing she was drunk I didn't bite back and to be honest I was concerned if I did she would self harm. I knew I still loved her and I hadn't wanted to split. My life was in chaos as a result but I finally got a flat sorted and we had managed to get back on track and we gave things another go. It was clear we still loved each other and she suggested relationship counselling which she asked me to arrange however she became blasia about it and by this point she was changing jobs so wasn't sure of when she was going to be free for sessions. By this point her drinking was at an all time high as was her self harming. She opened up about suicidal thoughts/ideation so I suggested going to see the GP again. She was blasia about this but finally made the appointment and asked to to come with her. She was open and honest about things and the GP advised they'd arrange an assessment with the MHT.

We'd now started to spend more time together and integrated the kids in to things again. I'd stay at hers and we had days out with my step daughter. She was still drinking heavily and I attempted to help her with a reduction but she wouldn't play ball with it and every time I was at hers or mine she would start getting drunk and she would go in to low/high mood in the blink of an eye. If I wasn't at hers she would txt me telling me how bad she felt and I tried my hardest to support and encourage her but it felt like it was falling on deaf ears. By now she had started to say derogatory things about me but package them up as a joke but it effected me. I'd basically put my life on hold for her but it seemed and felt like I was being used. Used in her moments of crisis and criticized the next.

So a week Wednesday ago I went round and I had work stress as I knew I was going to be getting pushed. As mentioned I'd taken my eye off the ball and things between us had all consumed me. For the first time since we got back together I opened up to her about things and I now needed her but she wasn't there and said, I'm sorry I can't be more supportive towards you. An atmosphere came over us and she then started to dig me out. I sent a few txts and she started digging me out saying what was the point in me coming round. By this point her mood was really low and she was again drunk and in a stress. I tried to remain calm but something snapped. I watched her put her daughter to bed in her drunken state and I could sense I was now angry at her. She said she couldn't deal with my negativity so I then decided I'd leave. She was like well there was no point in me coming round and told me to F off. I then lost it and gave her some home truths and walked out. Cue what I can only describe as the most fowl and abusive messages I've ever experienced. Again blaming me for her issues, saying she despised me, she's wasted the last 3/4 years of her life on me and even started attacking my children. I didn't respond and I was so angry with her I felt there was no way back. Next day nothing no communication, no apology nothing. I left it a few days and then dropped her a msg saying I hoped she was ok but just got a cold response saying that was it for good this time and how she can't get well with me in her life. All I've had since was a crappy message about me changing my mail address so letters don't go to her home. I didn't respond. Immediately after the abusive txts she has blocked me from all social media and it's like she's deleted me from her life. I've deleted her number so I can't contact her. I did this to ensure I want send begging and pleading messages/calls or send anything out of anger.

Now I'm left with nothing but hurt, pain, loss, anger, concern. I miss her and love her so much but I'm so angry and confused. I'm trying to pick myself up but I'm heartbroken as the woman I love has left me with so many horrible feelings. I feel responsible for everything. I feel she now hates me, wonder if she did love me, wonder if she'll contact me, hoping she does, hoping she doesn't. I want to scream bloody murder at her yet I want to hold and love her.

She's left me in a right ol mess and I'm struggling to push past this.

So yeah, hello, that's my introduction. Sorry for baffling on and on. Friends don't get it and don't seem interested so I don't know where to turn too. I'm reading up on BPD and BP so I can make some sense of it all.

Just so lost and confused  

[Tangy]

Hello Dazzle,

Welcome. I am so sorry you're going through this right now... .and I am doubly sorry that you feel that you don't have any friends or family to help you through it. Having a few safe friends that understand and will listen to you no matter what is very helpful and I hope perhaps eventually you may be able to identify at least one in your life.

With that said everything you have described seems pretty normal. So take peace in the fact that you are not alone. That is not to discount your unique experience or feelings, but rather to help you know that your reaction to this type of behavior is within the realm of normalcy and you are not wrong.

I thought of something while reading your post. The tone of your story sounds so so so much like mine and others... .it's like this intense longing to fix, it's a struggle, were drowning and we're screaming for help... .and our BPD partner (or former partners) just kind of shut down and look at us and the best life jacket they can throw is "I'm sorry I can't be more of a help" or "I can't be what you need me to be" or some version of that sentiment. Just total and utter shut down. Which makes me think, what type of a person could they survive in a relationship with? It would have to be someone totally devoid of emotional reactions or someone detached from them. We struggle to find what we could do to fix it... .but can we become emotionless? Can we become detached? I know I can't. My very nature is to love and it sounds like you love a lot too.

you say you hope she contacts you hope she doesn't. I felt that way too... .and still do a lot of days. Mine luckily for me has NOT contacted me in two months... .except for one random "feeler" email to which I did not reply. But I know ultimately it will be up to me to either keep I going or cut it off should he try to contact me.

But anyway all of this is very fresh for you and the most important thing at this point is taking care of yourself. You deserve some self care. Make sure you try to rest. And cry as much as you need to. This stuff is not easy. And post post post post until you can't post anymore if it helps relieve some of the distress. I think you have come to the right place.

[Margarita]

Hi Dazzle

Agreed that you have come to the right place. This illness makes you feel so very alone. No friends or family can grasp or have any inclination as to the emotional struggle we deal with on a daily basis. The love we feel for our BPD husbands, wives, partners & children is immense. Because they can be normal, they can be loving, they can be what we desire in our lives. And then it happens, & it happens over & over, and our lives are ripped out from underneath us and our hearts broken into a million pieces and the helplessness sets in. You have to be made of stone to not let it effect you. I've only found this forum in the last week & I find myself checking in every day. It's so comforting to know that other people understand. Everyone's story here is exactly the same. You've found common ground. You're not alone. I'm sorry that my post is not more positive for you. I try to be as positive as I can every day. Be the rock for my s8 and carry on living a normal exsistance in a turbulent relationship. I'm trying to find out everything I can about BPD and how to deal with a loved one with it. Good luck my friend. Be there for your children. That is my biggest concern. I want the best for my s8 and he deserves the very best from me. With or without my BPDh. Hard choices hard decisions. I hope you & I make the best one we can.

[Dazzle]

Thank you for your kind post. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

I can't stay trapped inside with all this rattling around my head. It's all consuming. One minute I'm ok and the next I'm a wreck. I'm trying my hardest to fight this all off like focusing on the anger and telling myself I don't care anymore and that she's no longer my problem, which she isn't is she, but then it creeps back in. That feeling of despair and hurt, thinking of the good times, thinking of the love and closeness we shared. Sounds cliche but I have lost more than my lover. I've lost my best friend too. We were so close and even in the bad times when the distance was there we would always find that closeness and love. Now it's gone.

The past few months I don't recognize her anymore. The last time I physically saw her she was slumped on the sofa, drunk and she had such hatred in her eyes but her face, she looked so lost and scared. You could see it, what ever it is, you could see it on her face and in her eyes. I knew I was looking at her illness. She wasn't the woman I fell in love with.

That look haunts me. I feel I failed her. I couldn't reach down in to the pit to pull her out. I don't think she wanted me too. With all the blame and hurt she has bestowed upon me I suspect she used me to punish herself, hurt herself. I was the vehicle that was driving her illness. All I wanted to do was love her. I still love her and I always will. Now I feel like the one that created it for her. I feel like I'm the cause of her pain.

The thought of going on without her has shattered my world. I feel empty, worthless, dispondent, isolated, less than. The abuse she attacked me with has scarred me to the core. She knew all the spots in me to go for. Heavyweight knock out after knock out with each message. Five hours of blow after blow. I've internalized everything she said. I stared at the messages sometimes, I don't know why. It's on our whatsapp convo. It showed me if she's online or when last online. I see her picture. It makes me feel close to her. She forgot to change her pic which was of me and her. It gave me hope but she then changed it so I deleted her number. I can't stand the way I'm torturing myself over her not being there. Torturing myself over someone I no longer recognize and someone who hates and blames me. I drive in my car in the hope we'll drive past each other. I see the same car same color as hers and my heart skips a beat until I clock it's not hers. I see her in my dreams I see her everywhere.

I want her to stop haunting me. I want to be ok and able to function like normal people seem to do so effortlessly after a break up. I want to buy in to my male bravado that puts on that fake mask and says to the world I'm a hard bugger and she can't and won't have this power over me. She doesn't care does she? She's carried on like normal and is probably getting well now I'm gone. Now the cancerous virus that I am has gone from her life. She'll be happier and she'll find a man that will love her the way she said I couldn't. She'll move on and look back at me like a piece of sh£&.

Man I just become aware I'm in a pit of self pity. I'm sorry!

It's where she's left me and I don't know how to climb out.

I'm hoping writing this will act as therapy for me. I'm blubbering like a baby writing this down.

[Lucky Jim]

Man I just become aware I'm in a pit of self pity. I'm sorry!

It's where she's left me and I don't know how to climb out.

I'm hoping writing this will act as therapy for me. I'm blubbering like a baby writing this down.

Hey Dazzle, We've all been in that pit, the toxic BPD soup, so-to-speak.  It's time for you to climb out of it.  Not easy, I know, because it requires you to marshall your energy and return the focus to yourself in order to get back on the right path for you.  Rumination is unlikely to help.  Try to focus on taking care of yourself.  Listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[LostGhost]

  I am very sorry to hear about your situation. It's very painful and there's nothing quite like the intensity found in the fallout of this kind of relationship. You've come to the right place. Read as much as you can in order to depersonalize. You will come to understand there is very little you could have done to stop this from escalating. It is a cycle and you are collateral damage. You are emotionally raw right now and everything stings and hurts. Time is the only thing that can numb that pain.

Many people here have been through this multiple times with their partners. Sometimes we feel we couldn't possibly be hated more by them and then suddenly they reappear in our lives and everything seems fine! But it's not fine, the cycle will repeat endlessly. All we can do is learn the lessons and depersonalize. Realize it could have been anybody with her, the same result would have happened. It might have taken more or less time but trust that it would be inevitable.

Reach deep inside of yourself to your core and hold onto the strength you have left. Shelter and nourish that strength until you are ready to move forward with deliberate and relentless dedication! Focus all of your tenacity and will to survive, build it up until it is an unstoppable force!

You are Dazzle! You do not rely on anyone but yourself for your happiness or enjoyment in this life, nor do you owe anyone their happiness! It is not your responsibility to make someone else happy! Go into the fire like hot steel, endure the pain and be struck by hammers at the forge until the parts of yourself that no longer serve you are stripped away and what remains is the best version of Dazzle that can exist! Find your courage, rebuild your confidence and stand tall!

[Dazzle]

Thank you for your kind posts.

It's nice to know I'm not alone.

I was thinking yesterday how it feel that reading up on BPD I have somehow built her up to be a mental monster. This makes me feel really sad as I know this girl inside out well so I thought. I still love her and want to be there for her but it's so difficult.

I spent last night and Friday night getting in to a bit of a state. I needed to change my feelings. Friday night was disastrous and I ended up back home after an attempt at going out rather quickly as I struggled to function out and about without her. Last night I stayed in and got messed up instead.

This is where it got weird!

I woke up in the afternoon to find she had messaged me about some post but she was polite and I felt a response was needed. Cue a few messages between us. She apologized for things and said she didn't hate or blame me for things and sounded in a low place however I kinda shut things down with a one sentence txt which wouldn't need a response. I got messed up In the evening, crying and sitting there feeling like poo about things. I went to bed but I couldn't sleep for love nor money. Half 3 in the morning she calls me in absolute pieces asking if I could pick her up and bring her back to mine. I got there to find her in a right drunken mess. She was crying and apologizing saying how I didn't need this something which she repeated the rest of the night. What was I to do though? Leave her 20 miles from home or run the risk of her drink driving?

We got back to mine and she was telling me how much she loved me and how much she had fallen to pieces since we split but said we couldn't get back together and kept apologizing. Not what I had wanted to hear but this past week or so I've kinda known we're done but typically I'm still hanging in there aren't I? She went on to tell me she unblocked me on Facebook and was stalking my page. Most things I post are private but someone shared a pic of me out the night before. She said she was hoping I'd have met someone and although it would hurt her she wants me to be happy. I deserve more than her apparently. I just said it'll be a long time before I move on as I still love her and want her. She was pacing around and said she felt anxious and ill due to the drink so I managed to get her to bed at around 7am. I was a gentleman and did not take advantage or anything, I just held her, caressed her and kissed her gently as she slept. I didn't sleep a wink though and I didn't let her out of my arms until around lunchtime.

We talked at length when she woke up. She has got worse with the drink and it's a major concern. Now telling me she's drinking in the morning and struggling to get up in the morning. I was speechless as she talked about the gp upping her meds but advising her to seek support from alcohol groups and services. I knew the drinking was bad but hadn't known it had turned in to morning drinking. However it's clear its worsening. We talked about her daughter and the impact it's having on her and also that she's told her mum about the drinking but not the mh or sh. She's so lost bless her and she recognizes she's pushing us away as she doesn't want to hurt any of us. I spoke at length about what it's been like for me this past week and although I didn't want to I spilled my guts to her and cried as I told her how much I love, miss and care for her and said I want to walk this journey with her. It was very bloody deep from us both.

We did end up in bed together which was amazing and we laid there cuddled up again before I dropped her off to her friends place where she'd left her car. Kinda felt from the look on her face that she still feels being apart is for the best and I didn't push anything on her about us being together. Pretty much agreed with everything she'd said about us not being together. We did joke that we are really bad at breaking up but they was pillow talk after the sex.

I don't know what to think now. I'm keeping my feet on the ground as I know this is possibly recycling me. What the hell is it all about though?

[Dazzle]

Help!

She now wants to go the whole "goodbye chat".

Following on from this weekend I recognized that's it's over from the things she said to me, things like, our relationship is irrapearable and we're to self destructive. I get it and I understand not that I want to however but I know nothing more than accepting this is going to help.

The goodbyes took place when she was here. I have belongings at hers which she offered to bring round but I don't want them as they'll act as reminders. I can't face the "talk" it's to painful to do and she'll just rehash what was said on the weekend and it will all become to emotional. I don't want the pain of that final goodbye. I knew it was goodbye on the weekend so why should we go there and open this up again? It's already opened and it's going to take time to heal so why reach in a grab one another's hearts out again?

Please help me I don't know what to do.

[OnceConfused]

Please help me I don't know what to do

Dazzle:

Your mind knows exactly what to do, but your heart has clouded it.

I know that you are going through a lot of pain, the pain of losing a partner, the pain of losing a future together and hope. You are not alone in this as so many of us have gone through the same path, we left our  r.s, we lose our spouse to accident or illness.

SO how do we get through life when a storm hits us? Just keep on going and trust that on the other side , the sun does exist and shines as usual. Time is the best healer out there.

One of the excercises I did that helped me tremendously, was to make the list of all the positive and negatives about the r.s with xBPDgf.  By writing things down, I was able to let my mind see things much more clearly, overcoming the attachment of the heart.

[Dazzle]

What you say makes a lot of sense and I guess I'm left with no choice but to start changing my mind set. Believe me I have a lot of things that need tending to sooner than later and at the moment I'm just wasting days thinking of her, her illness (what ever it is), the now obvious signs/symptoms as we went through our time together.

This morning shook me and I was in an emotional state the moment I opened my eyes but I did go to bed with it so obviously picked up this morning where I left off. I'm flitting in and out of accepting it and mourning the loss of things with her. "Normal" relationship break ups are a walk in the park in comparison to this.

I swerved the lunch and chat tomorrow and didn't say yay or nay to being friends. Left it on a, who knows what the future holds, kinda tip. I still need my post and docs off of her so I'll end up seeing her again at some point unless I arrange to pick it up from her mums. Who knows, I just need to tap in to some strength to push past all of this.

I'm sorry for freaking out this morning and appreciate the reply