"Friends"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

What my exgf has done over the years is ensure that I have been there for her as and she needed me. I played my part well. When she didnt need me she was busy building her new life. New guy, kids, new home. I was always told of each development post the event. A year or so ago she invited me to be friends on fb. I accepted. From that point on I had a front row seat watching her busy life being broadcast daily. It was a weird experience for sure and one that I was not comfortable with. This summer she sent me a text two days before she was to get married. She wasn't engaged but they just decided to get married. Next thing I knew up came the images of her wedding.

At this point I decide that I had seen enough and messaged her to wish her well but that it was time for us to finally let go and move off in our respective lives. In her reply she really emphasized that she wanted to be friends as I was important to her and she respected me etc. After much thought I deleted her from fb.

What I am struggling with now is the friends bit. I just cant bring myself to want to be friends with her. I think my feelings stem from the injustice of the whole experience. I dont want her back in my life and have no feelings for her. However, Friends don't treat friends the way she has. Am I being stupid or is being friends not acceptable following relationships like this. As for fb I really have no desire to see her world anymore. She spends a lot of time posting happy family pictures and pictures of her fitness success's. She is still heavily addicted to working out, triathlons etc.

Any feedback would be welcomed.

[Ripples]

What my exgf has done over the years is ensure that I have been there for her as and she needed me. I played my part well. When she didnt need me she was busy building her new life. New guy, kids, new home. I was always told of each development post the event. A year or so ago she invited me to be friends on fb. I accepted. From that point on I had a front row seat watching her busy life being broadcast daily. It was a weird experience for sure and one that I was not comfortable with. This summer she sent me a text two days before she was to get married. She wasn't engaged but they just decided to get married. Next thing I knew up came the images of her wedding.

At this point I decide that I had seen enough and messaged her to wish her well but that it was time for us to finally let go and move off in our respective lives. In her reply she really emphasized that she wanted to be friends as I was important to her and she respected me etc. After much thought I deleted her from fb.

What I am struggling with now is the friends bit. I just cant bring myself to want to be friends with her. I think my feelings stem from the injustice of the whole experience. I dont want her back in my life and have no feelings for her. However, Friends don't treat friends the way she has. Am I being stupid or is being friends not acceptable following relationships like this. As for fb I really have no desire to see her world anymore. She spends a lot of time posting happy family pictures and pictures of her fitness success's. She is still heavily addicted to working out, triathlons etc.

Any feedback would be welcomed.

[myself]

It's your life. Make it as comfortable and challenging as you choose.

Many of us here would like to remain friends with our ex, but we can't.

Many of us don't feel to be friends with them anymore, so we aren't.

[maternal]

You are not required to be friends with someone who is unable to respect you or your feelings (regardless of the words she uses).  You may have volunteered thus far, but you shouldn't feel at all guilty about not wanting to be friends with her. 

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I read on another thread that BPD behaviour treats turns you into an object.  My exuBPDgf would say during the devaluations that I was the only one of her boyfriends she couldn't remain in contact with after breakup due to my inferior nature. I just wish that was true - because I still get the calls and the texts three months after she left me for another. I think they keep you there on a supply bench - waiting like an object.  In case of need, dust off and insert batteries.

[Rise]

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you feel obligated to be friends with someone that you don't want to be friends with? This is your life. You have complete control over who gets to be in it. It's perfectly fine if you don't want your ex in it. Because the truth is most people are not friends with their exes (and I don't mean just the exes with BPD). Friends should be the people in your life that make you happy, not drag you down because it's better for them if you're there.

[Ripples]

Thx for the answers from everybody. It helps!

Rise - In answer to your question, in the back of my mind im thinking that if she now means nothing to me then being "friends" would be a healthy, easy thing to do. In truth seeing her fb and being available for contact really irritates me. It feels like I endorse everything she has ever done to me, and I just cant accept that. Its the principle of the matter really. I feel like she doesn't deserve my friendship given our past. Does this mean im still under her spell or are my principles correct?

[Blimblam]

She wronged you and strung you along now she's sad so he can't triangulate you while married. 

You have every right to not be friends with her.

You don't need anyone's permission to make this decision


It's a choice and it's up to you to make.

[brokenbutalive]

I read on another thread that BPD behaviour treats turns you into an object.  My exuBPDgf would say during the devaluations that I was the only one of her boyfriends she couldn't remain in contact with after breakup due to my inferior nature. I just wish that was true - because I still get the calls and the texts three months after she left me for another. I think they keep you there on a supply bench - waiting like an object.  In case of need, dust off and insert batteries.

She couldn't stay in touch with you due to your 'inferior nature'... .what the hell?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I read on another thread that BPD behaviour treats turns you into an object.  My exuBPDgf would say during the devaluations that I was the only one of her boyfriends she couldn't remain in contact with after breakup due to my inferior nature. I just wish that was true - because I still get the calls and the texts three months after she left me for another. I think they keep you there on a supply bench - waiting like an object.  In case of need, dust off and insert batteries.

She couldn't stay in touch with you due to your 'inferior nature'... .what the hell?

Yes - the lady devalued like no other.

[Whiteytheox72]

I would advise highly against being friends. My ex and I were friends for 5 years prior to the love like fire 6 month relationship and I tried to be a friend after. It has killed me emotionally and psychologically.  They honestly steal parts of your soul and the longer you are a friend the more they steal. I broke NC and sat and talked to mine for 5 hours this past friday and all the healing and progress I felt I had made is gone. Friends do not treat us the way BPD demons do. I tried to be a criend and ended up a hurting sad hollow man... .

[camuse]

The "friendship" I had after the final breakup was weirder than the relationship and probably more damaging. I realised I was simply being added to the long long list of exes she keeps control of while replacing them, and I decided in the end I wanted no part in that. She didnt take it well but I'm glad I had the final bit of control over where we ended up - she painted me black after I stopped being "friends". She doesn't know the meaning of friendship. Really, when we went from a couple to friends, it was simply her turning of the sex and replacing me. It was damaging, but it was then that I saw her for the user and abuser she really is. There's no benefit in being friends with these people, they don't give two hoots about you.

[fred6]

I would advise highly against being friends. My ex and I were friends for 5 years prior to the love like fire 6 month relationship and I tried to be a friend after. It has killed me emotionally and psychologically.  They honestly steal parts of your soul and the longer you are a friend the more they steal. I broke NC and sat and talked to mine for 5 hours this past friday and all the healing and progress I felt I had made is gone. Friends do not treat us the way BPD demons do. I tried to be a criend and ended up a hurting sad hollow man... .

How did you get her to talk to you for 5 hours? Does she have new supply? Mine won't even talk to me about anything "us". Hell, she won't really look at me.

[Ripples]

Whitey, im sorry to hear your pain. Stay strong if you can.

Camuse... .absolutely spot on. Very nicely put!

[Whiteytheox72]

Fred6 I broke NC when she started texting me wanting to fight and boy did I fire back. Hate filled but honest. Which led to a phone call where there was no courtesy. Followed by her asking for a face to face the next day which I agreed to. I reluctantly met her in a public parking lot. What I watched next was tragic. Drinking agoraphobia mood swings different personas... .stories about molestation self loathing delusions and paranoia. Begging me in tears grasping my hand to be her friend and all she wants is her best friend back. I sadly saw how deeply mentally ill she is. I was dealing with a terrified 10 year old girl in a 44 year old womans body. It was horrible... .

[ScotisGone74]

BPD s have many things in common and I believe this is one of them.    Do not stay 'friends' with them if you value your self respect, dignity, or heart.     They care absolutely zero about You, the ONLY reason they want to be 'friends' is so they can have a tool to use when they need it , ie  like triangulating , needing money, job, sex , whatever else you can think of.     And they also use the opportunity to rub their current relationship in your face while they re at it.    Make no mistake being 'friends' with them is not the idea that most people think of when the word friend comes to mind.   

[fromheeltoheal]

"Friends" with my ex would always be on her terms, it would have to be, since she's the one trying to straddle the line between abandonment and engulfment, plus my willingness to keep her in my life after all the sht she pulled would alleviate some of her guilt and shame.  That's not friendship.

[brokenbutalive]

Fred6 I broke NC when she started texting me wanting to fight and boy did I fire back. Hate filled but honest. Which led to a phone call where there was no courtesy. Followed by her asking for a face to face the next day which I agreed to. I reluctantly met her in a public parking lot. What I watched next was tragic. Drinking agoraphobia mood swings different personas... .stories about molestation self loathing delusions and paranoia. Begging me in tears grasping my hand to be her friend and all she wants is her best friend back. I sadly saw how deeply mentally ill she is. I was dealing with a terrified 10 year old girl in a 44 year old womans body. It was horrible... .

Man that's brutal. Can I ask what you did? What did you do at the meeting and then afterwards?

[Ripples]

Wonderful responses. Thank you. I am really making sense of my feelings now.

One question, can someone explain "triangulate" in the sense of "friends"?

Thx.

[Whiteytheox72]

Brokenbualive at the meeting I tried to say my peace but it wasnt heard. She was breaking down bad. Even after the break up when she had new supply she viewed me as some sort of superhero. I listened to her confess to seducing her 70 year old cousin because he was the only man that ever acted like a father to her. Listened to her blame her behavior on xanex and alcohol. I just listened thats all I could do. I excused myself to use the restroom and when I came back she had left. I went home and she texted me in a panic saying she was scared becaise she couldnt find me and how she was a horrible person who didnt deserve to live. I felt physically ill but I know know with certainty she is horribly mentally ill. I detest and loath what she did to me and what she does but it is clear she is very ill. I feel horrible but I got a slight bit of closure.

[Blimblam]

Brokenbualive at the meeting I tried to say my peace but it wasnt heard. She was breaking down bad. Even after the break up when she had new supply she viewed me as some sort of superhero. I listened to her confess to seducing her 70 year old cousin because he was the only man that ever acted like a father to her. Listened to her blame her behavior on xanex and alcohol. I just listened thats all I could do. I excused myself to use the restroom and when I came back she had left. I went home and she texted me in a panic saying she was scared becaise she couldnt find me and how she was a horrible person who didnt deserve to live. I felt physically ill but I know know with certainty she is horribly mentally ill. I detest and loath what she did to me and what she does but it is clear she is very ill. I feel horrible but I got a slight bit of closure.

This sounds absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry

[brokenbutalive]

Brokenbualive at the meeting I tried to say my peace but it wasnt heard. She was breaking down bad. Even after the break up when she had new supply she viewed me as some sort of superhero. I listened to her confess to seducing her 70 year old cousin because he was the only man that ever acted like a father to her. Listened to her blame her behavior on xanex and alcohol. I just listened thats all I could do. I excused myself to use the restroom and when I came back she had left. I went home and she texted me in a panic saying she was scared becaise she couldnt find me and how she was a horrible person who didnt deserve to live. I felt physically ill but I know know with certainty she is horribly mentally ill. I detest and loath what she did to me and what she does but it is clear she is very ill. I feel horrible but I got a slight bit of closure.

Terrible mate. I'm sorry for your problems. I asked because mine is texting me nonstop at the moment, pleading to be friends. It's complicated by the fact her mother died lately and so I feel so heartless but I can't go back there.

[Whiteytheox72]

It was a horrible experience. Weeping uncontrollably begging me to still be her best friend telling me of her being raped in a church parking lot at age 12. She repeatedly said promise me we are still best friends you have been my best friend for 12 years... .I have only known her for 8.

[rickdeckard]

Im sorry the ex is doing this to you. It seems as if she is putting her own needs before yours, keeping you close and not allowing you time away from her to heal.

All of my recycles (and attempts at same) started as "I still want to be your friend... ." etc. The last pull back in was a suicide threat - while she was at a hotel with replacement! Her phone died during the threat so she snuck into the room and got his phone (he was asleep) to continue the conversation. Part of the conversation included her mentioning marrying him. Two days later she called me again and invited me to sleep over at her house. Because replacement wouldnt be there that night.

Do i really want friends like that in my life?  That treat me - and replacement - with that level of disrespect? Like interchangeable objects? Nope.

No amount of "I miss you, i love you, i dont know how im supposed to live without you, blah, blah, blah" can counter those actions. She cares only about her and what she can get out of others.

I'd rather live as a friendless hermit than have someone like that in my life in any way, shape or form.

You may have better results.  

[rickdeckard]

For clarification, her suicide threat was actually a faked "completion". I listened to her "die" over the phone. If you want to get your cage rattled really good, hearing someone say "I love you, tell my son I love him" then the phone going dead will certainly do it. The mental images will stick with you even if it was fake. :'(

[Whiteytheox72]

She is back with the husband she said she hates and was in an open relationship with (lies I confirmed through her son) she has new supply I found out about. I told her with regards to new supply I hope he fills the void in your heart and I hope you find peace and happiness she vehimently denied she has new supply but her friend provided me with screen shots of her describing his manhood. I have been her superhero for years. Her husband I have come to find is a very decent man trying to keep stability for his daughters. Her new supply allows her to drink and pill and run away from home every weekend. She is a seriously mentally ill woman. Watching her was tragic and heartbreaking as I think deep inside she knows she and her world are unraveling.  I had been NC since wishing her and her new lover the best. Im trying to be NC again but seeing how ill she is I want to try and convince her to seek help. Will I that I do not know and was all the things she said all lies again. I do not know. I have no clue what to do.

[Whiteytheox72]

The saddest thing was as she was weeping in a moment of lucidity telling me she isnt a fighter she is a survivor and she does whatever she has to do to survive. I feel as if Im watching a woman who I loved then hated then felt confusion for drown. I want to help but I have established a no more hero boundry. Im not going to contact her but I cant say with certainty whT I will do of she reaches out to me.

[Blimblam]

I'm so sorry man


It is a tragedy. The thing is you might hate on her replacement but he might have some exgf like you all worried about him like you are about your ex.  His exgf might be on a forum complaining about how his new attachment is some pill piping chick that runs off on the weekends boozing and going wild.

We tend to want to excuse our ex so we can feel better about the fact we feel so strongly about them and scapegoat the new attachment.

The sad very hard to take truth is maybe she found someone on her level of dysfunction she can walk all over and that's about as stable as she can get.

I'm sorry if what i said might hurt.

[Whiteytheox72]

No man it doesn't hurt. It is honesty. I appreciate honesty.