did your xBPD tell you "they needed to find themselves"

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my xBPDfiance is currently "finding herself" travelling and dating my replacement

I met her when she was 23 fresh out of collage and she left just before she turned 30


She was always studious and career minded last year or so before the BU she complained about not being interesting (no s@@t) wanting to travel have new friends experiences etc and while I never stopped her or held her back (she admmited as much)

I was focussed on getting married , buying a house settling down etc

Did yours do or say something similar?

A classic line was "I want to work abroad and you won't because of your sick father" (bs)

I told her repeatedly we could do and live life on our own terms I even said let's forget getting married or go traveling after we do.  she got angry and insisted we get married as its embarrassing to have such a long engagement (true)

I told her we don't have to buy the house as she would switch hot and cold on the idea I got told yes one minute no the next

My point is I was amiable to living life on the fun side for a while but she shut me down . she then breaks up and does it anyway 

[dobie]

So my xBPDfiance is currently "finding herself" travelling and dating my replacement

I met her when she was 23 fresh out of collage and she left just before she turned 30


She was always studious and career minded last year or so before the BU she complained about not being interesting (no s@@t) wanting to travel have new friends experiences etc and while I never stopped her or held her back (she admmited as much)

I was focussed on getting married , buying a house settling down etc

Did yours do or say something similar?

A classic line was "I want to work abroad and you won't because of your sick father" (bs)

I told her repeatedly we could do and live life on our own terms I even said let's forget getting married or go traveling after we do.  she got angry and insisted we get married as its embarrassing to have such a long engagement (true)

I told her we don't have to buy the house as she would switch hot and cold on the idea I got told yes one minute no the next

My point is I was amiable to living life on the fun side for a while but she shut me down . she then breaks up and does it anyway 

[LonelyChild]

Yes, mine said the exact same thing.

"I need you to not contact me for a week now because I need to find myself, I need it to become better and feel good about myself."

"I need to go to Africa for a month to find myself. I will be much better after it."

Etc etc.

Nothing changed afterwards. They don't know what's best for them. What I should really have done is just prevent her from doing what she wanted to. But then she gets to be the victim again, and I'm a controlling monster.

[dobie]

Yes, mine said the exact same thing.

"I need you to not contact me for a week now because I need to find myself, I need it to become better and feel good about myself."

"I need to go to Africa for a month to find myself. I will be much better after it."

Etc etc.

Nothing changed afterwards. They don't know what's best for them. What I should really have done is just prevent her from doing what she wanted to. But then she gets to be the victim again, and I'm a controlling monster.

I guess partly BPD or not she was young when she got with me , she wants to see what's out there

[Dr56]

My situation was similar to yours, dobie, though I married mine. Met in our early 20s; she bailed at reaching 31. I certainly think it's natural to a degree to want to see what's out there at that age; and yes, it's painful to consider that someone might simply have lost interest in the notion of a life together with you.

What I think is interesting about your ex and mine, though, and I guess might distinguish a BPD declaring they want to find themselves from a non doing so, is the amount and intensity of pulling in the other direction that went on before the exes decided they had to find themselves, even right up until the decision to B/U. Mine was constantly talking about kids, buying a home, etc., and she'd accuse me (quite frequently, and often quite angrily) of not taking her seriously and not being interested in committing to her over the long term. And yes, sometimes (even during the course of a few minutes) she'd swing in the other direction, go hot/cold, and accuse me of not wanting to hear her doubts. Then when she left, she said something along the lines of, "I'm not sure I want all those things, and I feel like this marriage has put pressure on me to want them. I need to be on my own, get in touch with myself, etc."

I was about as far from putting pressure on her as possible when it came to things like a home, kids, etc. I very much wanted those things, but was open to being flexible on when and how we prioritized them. The pressure (and fear) was in her head. Like you, I saw nothing incompatible in our lifestyle about traveling more, and delaying certain life decisions for other priorities. I just wanted to have an adult conversation about those topics, rather than circling round and round and round and round.

[Infared]

YES. The statement is just more BPD delusion... .I think. I mean ... .I will never know, but I think she may have actually believed what she was saying... .even though she just may have thought that I was THAT stupid and unaware of what she was REALLY doing.

She had run out of our home of five years and moved-in immediately with new supply who she was cheating on me with. She was denying all of that, and then some months later actually made the statement to me that: "being out on her own was really good for her and that she was finding herself".

It was just such nonsense. She was not out on her own for 5 seconds. I could never figure out if she actually believed what she was saying, or if she was consciously lying, thinking she was such a great liar that I did not know the obvious truth. Maybe she thought she was being kind to me by lying as to have me believe she was alone, or maybe, just maybe she thought she was finding "herself" between the sheets with her new hero.

I will never know... .but I do know the statement was a pile of hocum and it really hurt when she said it. It was also quite bewildering, like so, so many things that come out of the mouth of a person with BPD, right?  

[gomez_addams]

My uBPDw (stbx) claims to have "found her voice"... .and that she won't be a doormat anymore.

Now that I'm pursuing a divorce, she wants me to fund her traveling overseas to do mission work for the church, and that she'll get a job afterwords.

Not the quite the same, because I am initiating the split. But similar.

Gomez

[Indiegrl]

Yes, he said the same thing. Out of the blue, he turned so angry with me, and then told me:

"I need a break. A break from everything. Just to be me  (name). Alone without you. Alone without the kids. Feeling alone. Break as in... .I don't know"

"I need to find back to myself. It feels like you are everywhere, even in my cells."

He asked me not to call him, not to write him, not to send him any pictures, because that would hurt, be overwhelming.

He describes the break as the only way he could find his own thoughts, that "new insights and perspectives are arriving".

The notion of this sort of break being difficult for me to handle, even potentially threatening to the relationship, he seemed unaware of that, and he became very angry with me "not giving this space for him", that he "took for granted" that I, who advocated for more space and individual freedom, should be the one who not only should give him this room, but cherish him for doing it! He said that he never had taken a break like this before, and that "I assume this is the way people do it". What a strange thing to say! He really wanted to interrogate me on how I could be "disappointed" in him for taking this sort of break (anger rising underneath, I could feel it through the phone).

Sadly to say, his "introspection" went over several months, and the result left me kind of devastated, cause what he found was that our relationships was terribly skewed: He was doing all the giving and I was doing all the recieving, and this could not continue, that is: He needs me to realize and acknowledge the inequality of our relationship and then make the changes necessary. It is all about me and my wrongdoings, and the objective need for me to change... .

He says that he is sorry for not being able to speak his needs earlier in the relationship, and I kind of: uhm, I think you have stated your needs very clearly and consistently throughout our relationship... .("I NEED to talk to you every night!", ":)o you care more about your own freedom than MY NEEDS? (what kind of a girlfriend are you?" --> a terrible one, I understand that now!    ) etc. etc.

So yes, in retrospect, I see the dialectic of engulfment and fear of abandonment playing out in these months. Alternating between the mails filled with anger, disappointment, blaming me for everything, critizising me to pieces, frantic psychoanalysis of me... .there were raw and distressed statements of "I am so afraid of loosing you that I cannot take it anymore!"

Now I am reading "The high-conflict couple" by Alan Fruzetti, and find it highly validating for myself.

[going places]

So my xBPDfiance is currently "finding herself" travelling and dating my replacement

I met her when she was 23 fresh out of collage and she left just before she turned 30


She was always studious and career minded last year or so before the BU she complained about not being interesting (no s@@t) wanting to travel have new friends experiences etc and while I never stopped her or held her back (she admmited as much)

I was focussed on getting married , buying a house settling down etc

Did yours do or say something similar?

A classic line was "I want to work abroad and you won't because of your sick father" (bs)

I find that very odd to say?

I told her repeatedly we could do and live life on our own terms I even said let's forget getting married or go traveling after we do.  she got angry and insisted we get married as its embarrassing to have such a long engagement (true)

How long were you 'engaged'?

I told her we don't have to buy the house as she would switch hot and cold on the idea I got told yes one minute no the next

My point is I was amiable to living life on the fun side for a while but she shut me down . she then breaks up and does it anyway 

I am in the process of finding myself.

It's not always a bad thing... .and it's not always an indicator of some sort of personality disorder.

I spent 25 years in an abusive marriage, where bit by bit, chip by chip, he wore me down into someone I didn't even recognize... .

I spent those years focusing on the children, raising them... .and really put 'me' on a back burner.

Once I threw him our, and the home sold, I started to 'discover' me.

People would ask "what do you like to do for fun"... .I had no answer.

What are your hobbies? I still, had no answer... .

"ME" was set aside, and I became Wife and Mom... .the mom part, I LOVE LOVE LOVE.

The wife part because something dark, and twisted.

Now that I am no longer a 'wife' and the kids are young adults... .I am finding me.

What are my interests? My goals, strengths, passions, desires, gifts, talents?

Where do *I* want to be in 3 months, 6 months, a year?

This is not a bad thing, not at all!

[leftconfused]

Oh yes.  I got the "I need to take time to focus on my future and become a better human"  Yeah, still hasn't happened .

[Achaya]

Mine said, "I want to see what I can find in my own life." I hadn't known she felt like she was living inside of my life but I can see how she might. She had a job and a career plan when we met. Since then she has changed jobs a couple times before she quit entirely, and started pursuing a self-employment plan with no significant income or other financing. I own a home and am well established, so I can see how she felt like her life went away and I still had one. It certainly wasn't my idea that she deconstruct her life.

I think that pwBPDs do need to find themselves. I think they need to do this first before they get into their next relationship, and they need to stop looking for themselves in other people. My ex may have been doing that with me, and when she discovered it wasn't satisfying she dumped me. Unfortunately, I think she is just continuing on to the next mirror, or whatever it is she wants. She doesn't know what she wants, that's part of not having found herself yet.

[cosmonaut]

Yes, actually she did in a way.  She kept saying that she's "really messed up" and she "needs some help".  She told me that she wished she could just be normal.  She said that she knows she's being selfish, but she just has to take care of herself right now.  She also told me how much she needs Jesus.  She was being sincere.  I honestly believe she's struggling to understand herself and why she feels and behaves the way she does.  She understands that this is not normal, but she can't put her finger on the reason.  She seemed to struggle to explain to me why we couldn't remain a couple while she dealt with this.  She just kept saying she can't.  I don't think she understood why herself.  I'm pretty sure I understand why now.  I hope she can find her answers too.

[dobie]

Yes, actually she did in a way.  She kept saying that she's "really messed up" and she "needs some help".  She told me that she wished she could just be normal.  She said that she knows she's being selfish, but she just has to take care of herself right now.  She also told me how much she needs Jesus.  She was being sincere.  I honestly believe she's struggling to understand herself and why she feels and behaves the way she does.  She understands that this is not normal, but she can't put her finger on the reason.  She seemed to struggle to explain to me why we couldn't remain a couple while she dealt with this.  She just kept saying she can't.  I don't think she understood why herself.  I'm pretty sure I understand why now.  I hope she can find her answers too.

Cosmo I'm so sorry for you , there's a real beauty and tragedy in her words its like a child who can't seem to figure it all  out but knows what she is doing is wrong

[Olivia_D]

YES!

A grown man (age 50) with a pretty high powered job needed to find himself.  He said he didn't know who he was.  He kept telling me you definitely know who you are as-if that was a put down.  He kept telling me that his dream was to do what the character in the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" did.  Then he would tell me that he and I both had "very bright futures."  Then, he would talk about being offered a promotion which would require him to move and work 18 hours per day.  The last time I had contact with him, he was "finding himself" by spending every waking moment (that he wasn't at work) sitting at his Mother's house and being her spouse.  He goes to work and he goes to his Mother's--there really isn't anything else to his routine.  My daily life isn't much more exciting than go to work and go home.  It took everything in in heart and soul not to say, well, maybe individuating from your Mother is a precursor for you to find yourself.  I stayed out of that shark invested territory.  It is a no-win situation when the "other woman" is his mother as anything that is said would be met with being disrespectful, even if it is said in kindness.  Anyway, I hope that he does find himself as it is very sad to watch someone so accomplished be that tormented and lost.  I think that part of his statement to me that you are either "heaven" or ""hell" and you are either a "dream" or a "nightmare" is him not having a clue of who he is or what he wants or how to state a preference or express his true desires or anything else that isn't scripted for him.  It is rather robotic.  There were only a few times where he seemed to relax and really allow himself to just be with no pretense or script--it was really great to watch.  Interestingly, I have thought about those few times and realized that when that happened his Mother was either out of town or she had houseguests--it was almost like she had allowed him to go outside and play.  Really sad.  I think that part of me wants to believe that a lot of his behavior isn't necessarily by choice but at the age of 50?  The lack of boundaries with such a dominant person in his life will likely forestall any efforts that he needs to "find himself" if that's even true. So sad.

[dobie]

Mine is actually being pro active holidays , backpacking etc

It just hurts that she couldent seem to do that with me in her life .

She addmited after the BU I've never held her back in anyway .

She said she didn't know who she was all her ideas were my ideas (true to a point) she never fully took onboard anything I shared with her

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I got the 'I need some time and space on my own' speech from my ex when we split.

A month later she was dating her current husband!

[going places]

I was told when I found about about the affair that he wanted "his cake and eat it too".

Then he told me "he liked being the bad boy... .it was fun"

Behind closed doors, in the cloak of darkness, he knows exactly who and what he is... .hence, the mask.

[sirensong65]

He used this exact phrase along with, "I don't know who I am" and "I should have told you I can't feel deeply for anyone... .".  Once we left to go find himself is when I found out he was banging his co worker as well as on every dating site known to man. And had been while we were engaged to be married.

[going places]

He used this exact phrase along with, "I don't know who I am" and "I should have told you I can't feel deeply for anyone... .".  Once we left to go find himself is when I found out he was banging his co worker as well as on every dating site known to man. And had been while we were engaged to be married.

Yep.

"I need to find myself" is code for "I'm doing someone else, and I don't have the guts to fess up and break up"

[sirensong65]

Agreed, his p0attern is SO established I have heard of all the fighting and storming out he is doing with his current girlfriend and I know exactly what he's doing.  It is THAT point in the show that he has a found a distraction to run off with for a day or weekend but needs an excuse to vanish.

His current SO thinks she is so brilliant and knows how to handle him better cause she is Bi Polar and KNOWS the need for space. 

Good luck, honey... .

[AwakenedOne]

":)id your xBPD tell you "they needed to find themselves?"

No, my ex didn't say anything like that.

I don't think that term is exclusive to BPD relationships. It's just a kiss off line.

What it equals most, but not all of the time is ->

"You bore me, I want to live it up"

"I want to sleep around"

"I need more things/cash"

[myself]

Mine said she already knew herself well (this turned out to be quite delusional though), and it was me who needed to find myself/work on myself. Which I've definitely done more of, continuing a lifelong process. Finding it's easier to accept that she and I aren't meant to be. Because I looked within instead of just switching masks/roles/partners, etc.

[dobie]

He used this exact phrase along with, "I don't know who I am" and "I should have told you I can't feel deeply for anyone... .".  Once we left to go find himself is when I found out he was banging his co worker as well as on every dating site known to man. And had been while we were engaged to be married.

That's terrible siren song

Mine said the same " i don't know who I am" "do we have anything in common"

Well she has no deep Interests or beliefs so no we don't!  unless getting trashed , going on holiday, partying with the girls and buying things count as beliefs and hobbies .

[Infared]

He used this exact phrase along with, "I don't know who I am" and "I should have told you I can't feel deeply for anyone... .".  Once we left to go find himself is when I found out he was banging his co worker as well as on every dating site known to man. And had been while we were engaged to be married.

That's terrible siren song

Mine said the same " i don't know who I am" "do we have anything in common"

Well she has no deep Interests or beliefs so no we don't!  unless getting trashed , going on holiday, partying with the girls and buying things count as beliefs and hobbies .

In the USA... .women constantly list "shopping" as an interest or as a hobby?  

[Kaster21]

Mine told me she needed time to work on her issues, but we both know that's not true. She's never going to change because she doesn't have the ability too. She's too busy enjoying all the attention and making herself out to be the victim to everyone. Typical BPD behavior! Ugh! I dislike this disorder so much. It takes so much from you in the end it's like having to rebuild yourself completely again. It's a very tough time.

[Infared]

Mine told me she needed time to work on her issues, but we both know that's not true. She's never going to change because she doesn't have the ability too. She's too busy enjoying all the attention and making herself out to be the victim to everyone. Typical BPD behavior! Ugh! I dislike this disorder so much. It takes so much from you in the end it's like having to rebuild yourself completely again. It's a very tough time.

My ex could stand in a stadium in front of a televised crowd, empty the chamber of an automatic weapon into to a defenseless person... .and some how, some way she would be the victim. It's really that bad.

[milo1967]

Yes and yes.  Me too, same here... .  Heard all the most cliched pop-psychobabble.  All of which translated into, "I want to keep having my affair until I've chosen which man is most deserving of my greatness."  I made up her mind for her and divorced her. Maybe she's found herself now.

[dobie]

Gentleman the common thread with all our exes is the pro victim mentality

I swear looking back on a daily basis she was always the victim of someone or something . She was even feeling sorry for making me eggs at 3am when we first dated and brought that up after six years

Of course when I told her I was sick of being her emotional punching bag she called me a victim and to stop feeling sorry for myself

She even told me I should stop taking anti -depressants they despise weakness in others because they themselves are truly weak and pathetic

I remember her alcoholic (no offense to alcoholics) waste of a father and her going to pieces when he got I'll for a few days of course I was supportive and caring and yet despite my father being I'll for eight years and much more severe I got little to no help or sympathy esp in the last few years but of course I'm not a man I guess a man to her is a total abusive pos makes sense because what all these harpies have in common is they are stealth bullies

I will never date a woman like that again please God .

... .

[Kaster21]

Gentleman the common thread with all our exes is the pro victim mentality

I swear looking back on a daily basis she was always the victim of someone or something . She was even feeling sorry for making me eggs at 3am when we first dated and brought that up after six years

Of course when I told her I was sick of being her emotional punching bag she called me a victim and to stop feeling sorry for myself

She even told me I should stop taking anti -depressants they despise weakness in others because they themselves are truly weak and pathetic

I remember her alcoholic (no offense to alcoholics) waste of a father and her going to pieces when he got I'll for a few days of course I was supportive and caring and yet despite my father being I'll for eight years and much more severe I got little to no help or sympathy esp in the last few years but of course I'm not a man I guess a man to her is a total abusive pos makes sense because what all these harpies have in common is they are stealth bullies

I will never date a woman like that again please God .

... .

Dobie all you can do is keep your head up. That's about all you can do. In the end they get what they deserve. You reap what you sow in this world! Karma is very real and it exists and it always comes back around. The key though is if they even understand that and get it, but like you said the have the mega victim mentality and so they probably use it to their benefit to twist the situation somehow.

[going places]

In the USA... .women constantly list "shopping" as an interest or as a hobby?  

Not all of us.

I'd rather have bamboo shoved up my fingernails than to go shopping... .:-)

[Achaya]

In the USA... .women constantly list "shopping" as an interest or as a hobby?  

Not all of us.

I'd rather have bamboo shoved up my fingernails than to go shopping... .:-)

I'll bet when it came down to the choice in reality you would go with the shopping! LOL!

[going places]

I'll bet when it came down to the choice in reality you would go with the shopping! LOL!

Only if it was a hardware store, or a sporting goods store... .:-)

[Infared]

In the USA... .women constantly list "shopping" as an interest or as a hobby?  

Not all of us.

I'd rather have bamboo shoved up my fingernails than to go shopping... .:-)

Hey... .hey... .I said "women"... .not "all women"!   

[dobie]

I must be a woman I like shopping 

[Infared]

I must be a woman I like shopping 

LOL! ... .but do you call it your hobby? 

[Loveofhislife]

All: it's nice to come back here and after all this time: shopping? Mine didn't necessarily like shopping but he LOVED spending my and others' money--even though he makes 500% more income than I. Anyway--at least you guys were warned; many of us here had no warning and were abruptly abandoned: a blessing in disguise? Perhaps he was trying to tell me--lots of texts about how he loved me so much and I was his best ever friend and I had been so good to him; "that's why this hurts so much." I just had no idea what he was ranting about: months before he suddenly left me; moved away; and married someone he met online 4 months later. I truly believe he got all he believed he could get from me and moved onto his next victim--as if he were compelled to do so. Not only did he leave to find himself but he found a bigger pot of money--from someone far less anxiety producing and far more controllable for him. She has no job, no local friends or ex husbands or children: all things that made it difficult for him to control me. So, yes he went out to find himself and instead found his next mirror: poor woman.

[Kaster21]

Mine told me she needed time to work on her issues, but we both know that's not true. She's never going to change because she doesn't have the ability too. She's too busy enjoying all the attention and making herself out to be the victim to everyone. Typical BPD behavior! Ugh! I dislike this disorder so much. It takes so much from you in the end it's like having to rebuild yourself completely again. It's a very tough time.

My ex could stand in a stadium in front of a televised crowd, empty the chamber of an automatic weapon into to a defenseless person... .and some how, some way she would be the victim. It's really that bad.

Oh how I do believe that. I don't know how we deal with their sh** like we do. What makes them any better than us? They are the ones with all the fault not us nons. The biggest thing I have learned through all this is when we see a problem we try to tackle it and make it better. When the disordered see a problem they see it as a means to use against us and make us feel guilty and bad. Which in reality we should never feel bad for doing the things we feel is most right in our hearts.