In-Laws with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm a 30-year-old gay man living on the east coast with my husband. My husband and I have been together about 8 years and married about a year. Overall we have a great relationship, and we maintain active social lives and satisfying careers.

The source of strain/anguish in our lives comes from my husband's beyond-crazy family. My mother-in-law is a textbook case of Borderline Personality Disorder (or perhaps a better pathology exists to describe her - she's never been officially diagnosed). She is verbally/emotionally abusive bully, an extreme narcissist, and an expert manipulator of people and relationships. On top of all of this, she also works in a mental health field, so she knows precisely how to avoid taking responsibility for her actions and weaponizing her own emotional problems against others. Unsurprisingly, she is also extremely isolated from the outside world, as she maintains no close friendships or relationships with extended family members. She is constantly in debt, has difficulty holding a job, and every one of her romantic relationships is more volatile than the next (on nasty divorce #4 and counting). She is lesbian and has a history of essentially "catfishing" women on the internet, moving in with them, and then exploiting them financially and emotionally once past the honeymoon stage.

The tragedy is that my sister-in-law, who is my age, has inherited every one of her mother's awful BPD characteristics and then some. After dropping out of college, for the past ten years she has engaged in increasingly alarming levels of drug/alcohol abuse, been in multiple abusive relationships and unable to maintain a steady job or any healthy social connections. She is pathologically self-involved and disrespectful of other people's homes and lives. Because her behavior has been so out of control, she has alienated everyone in her life and has been kicked out of multiple roommate living situations, including a 6-month stint at my husband and I's home several years ago.

Flash forward to now - my sister-in-law this week just attempted to take her own life. Thankfully, her suicide attempt was unsuccessful, and she is now in a rehab facility near her mother's home on the west coast. To make a horrible situation even worse, her mother is now the only one in the area who can manage the situation, and they couldn't have a worse relationship dynamic, like oil & water. Dad and extended family are basically out of the picture due to their past BPD behavior.

My mother-in-law has asked my husband and I to come out to the west coast, where we're from, immediately and help her deal with the aftermath of her daughter's suicide attempt. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn't even be a question, we would of course go to offer our help.

But the kicker is, mother-in-law wants us to visit not to be with her during this difficult time, but rather to babysit my sister-in-law while she... .here it is... .goes on a two-week vacation next week she had previously bought to Bali (her latest girlfriend is big into scuba diving). To me, this seems beyond-the-pale. What kind of mother would abandon her recently suicidal daughter to go on a vacation?

We have begged her to cancel her trip and be with us to care for the sister-in-law while we are in town. So far, she's refused, and her girlfriend (who paid for the trip) is no help either. We told her it was unfair of her to expect us to take time out of our busy careers just so she can go on vacation. We have offered to travel back home to help out in a few weeks, when it would be easier for us to get time off. To this she told us to "go to hell", since it would force her to cancel her trip. We're unsure of how to proceed at this point.

My questions for you:
1. Are my husband and I correct in standing our ground and insisting that my mother-in-law cancel her trip if we go back to the west coast with so little notice, and at considerable expense?
2. How can we effectively help my sister-in-law when the only other person in her life suffers from the same mental illness? What can we reasonably be expected to offer in this situation?
3. Is there any hope for sufferers of BPD out there? Are there any successful treatments or means of getting them adjusted to some kind of a normal life?

Thanks for your help!

[DaveGeo]

I'm a 30-year-old gay man living on the east coast with my husband. My husband and I have been together about 8 years and married about a year. Overall we have a great relationship, and we maintain active social lives and satisfying careers.

The source of strain/anguish in our lives comes from my husband's beyond-crazy family. My mother-in-law is a textbook case of Borderline Personality Disorder (or perhaps a better pathology exists to describe her - she's never been officially diagnosed). She is verbally/emotionally abusive bully, an extreme narcissist, and an expert manipulator of people and relationships. On top of all of this, she also works in a mental health field, so she knows precisely how to avoid taking responsibility for her actions and weaponizing her own emotional problems against others. Unsurprisingly, she is also extremely isolated from the outside world, as she maintains no close friendships or relationships with extended family members. She is constantly in debt, has difficulty holding a job, and every one of her romantic relationships is more volatile than the next (on nasty divorce #4 and counting). She is lesbian and has a history of essentially "catfishing" women on the internet, moving in with them, and then exploiting them financially and emotionally once past the honeymoon stage.

The tragedy is that my sister-in-law, who is my age, has inherited every one of her mother's awful BPD characteristics and then some. After dropping out of college, for the past ten years she has engaged in increasingly alarming levels of drug/alcohol abuse, been in multiple abusive relationships and unable to maintain a steady job or any healthy social connections. She is pathologically self-involved and disrespectful of other people's homes and lives. Because her behavior has been so out of control, she has alienated everyone in her life and has been kicked out of multiple roommate living situations, including a 6-month stint at my husband and I's home several years ago.

Flash forward to now - my sister-in-law this week just attempted to take her own life. Thankfully, her suicide attempt was unsuccessful, and she is now in a rehab facility near her mother's home on the west coast. To make a horrible situation even worse, her mother is now the only one in the area who can manage the situation, and they couldn't have a worse relationship dynamic, like oil & water. Dad and extended family are basically out of the picture due to their past BPD behavior.

My mother-in-law has asked my husband and I to come out to the west coast, where we're from, immediately and help her deal with the aftermath of her daughter's suicide attempt. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn't even be a question, we would of course go to offer our help.

But the kicker is, mother-in-law wants us to visit not to be with her during this difficult time, but rather to babysit my sister-in-law while she... .here it is... .goes on a two-week vacation next week she had previously bought to Bali (her latest girlfriend is big into scuba diving). To me, this seems beyond-the-pale. What kind of mother would abandon her recently suicidal daughter to go on a vacation?

We have begged her to cancel her trip and be with us to care for the sister-in-law while we are in town. So far, she's refused, and her girlfriend (who paid for the trip) is no help either. We told her it was unfair of her to expect us to take time out of our busy careers just so she can go on vacation. We have offered to travel back home to help out in a few weeks, when it would be easier for us to get time off. To this she told us to "go to hell", since it would force her to cancel her trip. We're unsure of how to proceed at this point.

My questions for you:
1. Are my husband and I correct in standing our ground and insisting that my mother-in-law cancel her trip if we go back to the west coast with so little notice, and at considerable expense?
2. How can we effectively help my sister-in-law when the only other person in her life suffers from the same mental illness? What can we reasonably be expected to offer in this situation?
3. Is there any hope for sufferers of BPD out there? Are there any successful treatments or means of getting them adjusted to some kind of a normal life?

Thanks for your help!

[Mutt]

Hi DaveGeo,  



I'm sorry to hear that your SIL is going through a difficult period. I can see how MIL's refusal to cancel her vacation is beyond the pale. I'll try to answer each your questions.

1. Are my husband and I correct in standing our ground and insisting that my mother-in-law cancel her trip if we go back to the west coast with so little notice, and at considerable expense?

I agree with both of you that she should cancel or postpone her trip, she sounds like she's really self centered, that being said, we can't control someone else, we can only control two things our thoughts and feelings. I understand that she guilted you but you're not responsible for her choice of leaving your SIL at a difficult time in her life, you may want to read our article on emotional blackmail or FOG ( fear, obligation, guilt )

2. How can we effectively help my sister-in-law when the only other person in her life suffers from the same mental illness? What can we reasonably be expected to offer in this situation?

It sounds like your SIL needs professional care, she's in rehab, how long is she in rehab for? A couple of weeks, I don't know what you can do for your SIL, it sounds to me that your MIL feels guilty for leaving SIL and is projecting her feelings on others, you're not responsible for MIL's feelings.

I understand how uncomfortable the fog can feel, it can take awhile to stop reacting to MIL's, MIL suffers from a life long mental illness if it is BPD, we're not professionals and can't diagnose but what we can look at are traits of the disorder, the behaviors are not personal to us, I know that it's easier said then done, but you can make it a goal to depersonalize the behaviors, that doesn't mean that you can't have your feelings about them, a pwBPD don't have control of over the disorder, it's something that MIL is going through.  You care a lot about SIL and you find MIL's behaviors deplorable, it's not personal to you or your husband.

3. Is there any hope for sufferers of BPD out there? Are there any successful treatments or means of getting them adjusted to some kind of a normal life?

BPD treament has gotten better, there's CBT, DBT, some pwBPD have recovered from the disorder, let's set aside BPD for the moment, I don't want to downplay that it is a difficult disorder, everyone that suffers from BPD is a different person with different traits and severity of the disorder, like other mental illnesses, you have to want to get help for yourself, she may not realize how sick she is, her reality is what she knows, she doesn't a healthier benchmark to compare it too.

I can see how there's no easy answer and what I propose is not an easy fix, there's no magic pill but you radically accept your SIL for who she is, it doesn't mean that you have to like the circumstances, radical acceptance is accepting reality for what it is and wishing that things were different, a lot of us fall into that trap, including myself, I had radically accept my ex wife, her disorder and all parts of her. I can't tell you how to do, radical acceptance has three different stages, the process can take time, but it's worth it in my opinion. I hope that helps.

Treatments, Cures, and Recovery

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Davegeo:    

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you. I'm so sorry about your in-laws.  It's a touch situation with the level of BPD behaviors you describe for both MIL and SIL.  Mutt gave you some great advice and resources to check out.

My sister-in-law this week just attempted to take her own life. Thankfully, her suicide attempt was unsuccessful, and she is now in a rehab facility near her mother's home on the west coast. To make a horrible situation even worse, her mother is now the only one in the area who can manage the situation

I know your SIL attempted suicide, but I'm wondering if the purpose of rehab is to deal with her  substance abuse?  Amazingly, some who attempt suicide are discharged from the hospital rather quickly, but substance abuse rehab. can afford them a longer stay.

If SIL will be in rehab for the entire 2 weeks MIL will be away, there wouldn't be much use for you to fly to the West Coast. She is being monitored.  There is even a chance that she can't have visitors yet, or phone calls.  Maybe your husband can call the facility where SIL is staying and check.  I think some rehab facilities have some strict rules early on.
 
Is SIL competent to make her own medical decisions at this time, or is MIL making medical decisions for her?  If someone needs to be responsible for her current medical decisions, your husband may not be able to act in that regard, unless he is referenced on a medical POA.

I agree with Mutt, MIL is trying to guilt your husband into taking her place so that she won't feel guilty.  If SIL will indeed be in rehab the entire time MIL is away, there is a chance that SIL might be better off taking a 2-week break from being around MIL.  

You and your husband can't fix either MIL or SIL.  The only thing you both can do is learn to set boundaries for your protection and use some communication skills to make things easier for you both.  When you are ready to learn some skills, you can go to the large green band at the top of this page and find the "Tools" menu.  You will find articles/workshop info. on things like Boundaries and Don't be Invalidating and some communication skills.

Your best path forward is to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  It takes hard work and the desire to change for someone with BPD to improve and manage their disorder.  All you can do is learn skills and strategy to manage the way you interact and react to MIL and SIL.  If you and your husband unite on the strategy, you will have the best outcome for both of you.