I'm not sure

[Im confused]

Hi, I've never joined anything like this before, as in an online chat thing. I'll just get right to it. I see a therapist and she mentioned to me that my mother might have BPD.  I'm not sure what to think. I just read the stop walking on egg shells book and a lot of it registered with me.  My only issue is that my childhood wasnt all bad. I mean yeah there we're things that happened that have effected me and that I'll remember forever but I don't want to feel like I'm a "victim" or that my parent has done/said things that are terrible.  I'm also relieved that there might be a reason behind some of our issues.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that my husband grew up in an "actually" abusive home and I don't want to seem like I'm whining about a kinda difficult childhood.

There's also the issue now that we have children. So not only are we worried about constantly protecting them from his family, were worried about emotionally protecting them from mine. 

I hope I not offending anyone and if I did I apologize bc that's not my intent. I'm just wondering if there's anyone that is in a similar situation.

[schwing]

Hi Imconfused and

I think it's great that you're getting support from a therapist. That will certainly be helpful as your children are growing which can sometimes be a trigger for recalling our own "forgotten" childhood issues/traumas. It took a long time before I was able to see past my own denial and the F.O.G. (fear obligation guilt) and accept that my parents are both disordered. Abuse can be both overt and covert; for survivors, there are parallel issues but also different issues.

You might consider reading Lawson's Understanding the Borderline Mother which I found very helpful.

You are in good company and the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Naughty Nibbler]

 Hey Im confused:

I'd like to join schwing in welcoming you.

my childhood wasnt all bad. I mean yeah there we're things that happened that have effected me and that I'll remember forever but I don't want to feel like I'm a "victim" or that my parent has done/said things that are terrible.  I'm also relieved that there might be a reason behind some of our issues.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that my husband grew up in an "actually" abusive home and I don't want to seem like I'm whining about a kinda difficult childhood.     

You don't have to have been severely abused to have your family dynamics affect you in some negative way.  Good for you for seeking therapy! You can't change your past, but you can own your future. 

There's also the issue now that we have children. So not only are we worried about constantly protecting them from his family, were worried about emotionally protecting them from mine.    

You will probably want to set some  BOUNDARIES with both sets of parents to protect your children and yourselves.  Boundaries are for you to set and consistently enforce.  Your parents won't generally like the boundaries.

If you think your parents or your inlaws might be abusive to your children, one boundary might  be that the children won't ever be left alone with the grandparents.  That would generally eliminate babysitting and overnight stays.

What type of behaviors would you anticipate from the grandparents?

[Im confused]

Thank you schwing and naughty nibbler for welcoming me.  I'm just learning about setting boundaries so I'm not sure what where to start with that yet. We have kind of an unspoken boundary with the in laws because the kids are/have never been alone with them and they've never asked. As for my mother and step father they were very involved in our lives and have a strong attachment to the kids. At least up until our latest spat and since then (which has been a few months) there's been no contact unless you count the shi**y texts I've received and not responded to. As you can guess this has been really tough on the kids.  Which makes me feel guilty and want to fix things again. The last fight was bad and in front of them so I know things have to change.  I don't expect her to mean but she has no filter, no thought of not talking about certain things in front of the kids. When she's doing good she's great! The best grandma ever! But when she's not doing good it's awful it's just the feeling you get when your around her like your just waiting for a bomb to go off and have to take cover.  I can tell when she's not been doing good while the kids are with her because they come home grouchy, clingy, unsettled.  I just don't want my kids to feel like that. I don't want them growing up feeling like they HAVE to be good and happy all the time for someone else. I feel so lost and I don't know what to do.  I don't know what boundaries to set. I want to be fair but I want my kids safe first.  My husband is done with trying to have a relationship with my mother. I can't blame him he got hit by a lot of shrapnel in the last fight. Also because for all these years I've chosen my mother over him and that has created its own issues.  I'm just I don't know really lost, confused, hurt, worrisome, guilty.  Thank you for listening.