Was doing well, then some odd game occurred

[Depression = 72% of members]

Need to get this off my chest before I drop back into a deep confusion. Quick notes on my history to get you as quickly up to date as possible. I have come to the conclusion recently that my problems with my SO are connected to BPD and am currently living with my sister, who also is giving me money since she (and my other sister) both feel that there is a problem and that I might not be fully at fault.

Here is where I feel at fault. We have been together 7 years and have a 5 year old girl. At the beginning of our relationship I was working some high paying jobs and had my own it company, but then had a nervous breakdown since I was a bit of a perfectionist/overworked. I could not go back to do IT stuff and since we also had a daughter I became a Mr. Mom. My SO supported us and was happy to do it but at the beginning I did not know that she was getting money from her parents when things got tight. She did not have a 9-5, and all these years has claimed to be making $20-25k. At the beginning I was most definitely recovering from a nervous breakdown... but as time moved on I just couldn't get ahold of things and fell into a depression. I went to get help (CBT on the cheap)... when arguing got worse I drug both of us to couple counseling. When she hit me once I told her she had to go see someone.

Fast forward to today and I'm staying with my sister. I'm leaving a lot of stuff out but that is the basic timeline.

The big realization that drove me here was what is called splitting. I think that I beat myself up for my depression and took the blame she threw my way especially since I was so capable before the relationship. Everything was my fault. But it wasn't until she recently kicked me in the nuts (blood inside, went to doctor) that it all finally clicked. Since at my sister's my depression has been lifting and I have been making strides toward getting back to employment.

The funny thing is that I want to blame her and say that my depression was caused by her... or at least exasperated by it. But then I begin to feel like I'm blaming, which is what she does to me most of the time, and it becomes difficult to determine who is at fault. Then I wonder if I'm doing black/white thinking.

Here is the odd thing that happened today. When she kicked me (a couple of weeks back) I called my sister who came and picked me up (and I grabbed the kid/clothes) and we left. When we communicated later I told her that I am not coming back and that we are going to stay separated for a long time until I get money. Here is the part that I feel I have to keep pointing out to her. She has requested the keys from me, trying to gain some control and make me feel guilty, but IM THE ONE THAT LEFT... it is as if she does not understand the dynamic that is going on. She is acting like she evicted me, when I evicted myself, and in this emotional confusion I can feel myself being wrong when nothing has occurred.

Anywho - I wrote this up quick and might have left glaring facts out...

Would love some feedback... I need to discuss this...

[7yearsdrained]

Need to get this off my chest before I drop back into a deep confusion. Quick notes on my history to get you as quickly up to date as possible. I have come to the conclusion recently that my problems with my SO are connected to BPD and am currently living with my sister, who also is giving me money since she (and my other sister) both feel that there is a problem and that I might not be fully at fault.

Here is where I feel at fault. We have been together 7 years and have a 5 year old girl. At the beginning of our relationship I was working some high paying jobs and had my own it company, but then had a nervous breakdown since I was a bit of a perfectionist/overworked. I could not go back to do IT stuff and since we also had a daughter I became a Mr. Mom. My SO supported us and was happy to do it but at the beginning I did not know that she was getting money from her parents when things got tight. She did not have a 9-5, and all these years has claimed to be making $20-25k. At the beginning I was most definitely recovering from a nervous breakdown... but as time moved on I just couldn't get ahold of things and fell into a depression. I went to get help (CBT on the cheap)... when arguing got worse I drug both of us to couple counseling. When she hit me once I told her she had to go see someone.

Fast forward to today and I'm staying with my sister. I'm leaving a lot of stuff out but that is the basic timeline.

The big realization that drove me here was what is called splitting. I think that I beat myself up for my depression and took the blame she threw my way especially since I was so capable before the relationship. Everything was my fault. But it wasn't until she recently kicked me in the nuts (blood inside, went to doctor) that it all finally clicked. Since at my sister's my depression has been lifting and I have been making strides toward getting back to employment.

The funny thing is that I want to blame her and say that my depression was caused by her... or at least exasperated by it. But then I begin to feel like I'm blaming, which is what she does to me most of the time, and it becomes difficult to determine who is at fault. Then I wonder if I'm doing black/white thinking.

Here is the odd thing that happened today. When she kicked me (a couple of weeks back) I called my sister who came and picked me up (and I grabbed the kid/clothes) and we left. When we communicated later I told her that I am not coming back and that we are going to stay separated for a long time until I get money. Here is the part that I feel I have to keep pointing out to her. She has requested the keys from me, trying to gain some control and make me feel guilty, but IM THE ONE THAT LEFT... it is as if she does not understand the dynamic that is going on. She is acting like she evicted me, when I evicted myself, and in this emotional confusion I can feel myself being wrong when nothing has occurred.

Anywho - I wrote this up quick and might have left glaring facts out...

Would love some feedback... I need to discuss this...

[Mutt]

Not everything in life is in the grey area. Some things are black and white like getting kicked.

Attempting to make you feel guilt is because she feels bad and insecure. A goal can be to de-personalize.

If you haven't gotten all of your things out and your seperated. Keep the keys for now or perhaps make another set.

If you got everything out and your done. No point in hanging unto the keys.

Hope that helps.

--Mutt

[7yearsdrained]

Just wanted to add to this, since my emotions just took a dive after racing over there. We have been switching back and forth in taking care of D5. This morning I get a text which is clearly a manipulation, both mentioning that D5 is sick and to bring her paperwork so that she can finally get her medical insurance (which is to make me feel guilty and to make her the one that is taking care of everything and put her in control. I might add that my daughters insurance lapsed when she was 'taking care of everything' and the reason she gave for it lapsing was an amalgamation of the stupid city's paperwork and also me for not having a job - never her fault).

I race there for the sole reason of the kid even though I have an unsettling feeling in my stomach (everything is an emergency!) and I'm very angry. I stayed with my D5, watched some TV, and my SO returned from the meeting. The meeting, if I would have asked and I have become used to this, would have been linked to her getting money and - if I would have asked - it would give her a chance to attack me for being out of work. (all effort on her end is to make money = all on my end is to NOT).

Now I'm back at my place and the day feels ruined. Completely ruined. I want to lay down and go to sleep. Because I had a meeting today (related to getting work/business) with someone and I moved the meeting. Again, if this emergency did not contain my sick D5, I would have not gone because my alarm bells went off. Now that I went - I actually feel like I failed since the goal now seems to not allow my SO to exert control over me. I want to send a text or email discussing this but froze when typing it up - realizing that I might be falling into another high emotion trap. This all takes so much energy that, as I said, I just want to lay back down and rest.

I'm so tired of all of this...