Not sure about support and boundaries

[KBug]

My step daughter, 22, has BPD.  She's been in and out of the hospital for suicidal ideation and psychosis. Growing up she lived with her mother who also has BPD. Now she lives with her father and me because her mother is difficult to live with. It's been rocky with her, especially when we set boundaries.  Her relationship with her dad is recovering but she doesn't fully trust him. Her mother told her a lot of lies about her dad as a way to alienate her from him, and she did everything she could to keep the kids away from him when they were growing up. My husband was dealing with his own abuse from his ex and was fearful of her, and wasn't always fully emotionally present for the kids. He's been working the past few years on deepening relationships with them.

Her relationship with me has been rocky, too. She and her father generally get along but they aren't deeply connected. Her father and I have been together for 7 years. After the first couple of years, she saw me as someone she could talk to.  Then she started testing her boundaries with me (taking my things and ruining them, underage drinking, having temper tantrums during my birthday party, etc.). Her father and I had to set boundaries around her behaviors-things like you can't take other people's things without permission and we will listen to you but only when you will talk with us respectfully.  Neither one of us yells and that actually makes her angry, too. Her behavior became much worse and there was a lot of drama-anger, accusations, etc. Then she went to live briefly with her mother and then her boyfriend and couldn't bear to be in the same room as me or her father. Our relationship improved over time. Then she broke up with her boyfriend and lives with us now.  She's not a great roomate, but she's tolerable now. She's been great about seeing her therapist and prescriber. All in all, she is doing better.  She's even completed a couple of semesters of college.

Recently, she has been trying to deepen our relationship again.  She says that she's empty and lonely and wants connection. She doesn't feel like her mom or dad have given her the love and support she needs. She says that I irritate her but she wants to connect with me. The feeling of the conversation was that she wants me to have the answers she needs to heal and to "fix" her. We talked about how one of the difficult parts of becoming an adult is realizing that adults don't know everything and that there's rarely THE right answer for any situation. I told her that her dad and I love her and that her dad and I will hold her hand through her BPD journey but that it's her journey to make. We don't really have THE answer but we have love for her. I told her to listen to the experienced people (loved ones and professionals) in her life and figure out for herself what will work for her. I then found out that she had gone off her meds because of the side effects.  I need help from you all in thinking about

1.  I'm beginning to see a pattern of splitting and sliding into a dark place.  She becomes really emotionally needy and confides in me.  Then she becomes dependent.  Then she starts to test boundaries and we have to set boundaries.  Then my husband and I become the villians. Then our relationship with her sours for a while and she drops out of college, disconnects, goes to a dark emotional place, maybe becomes psychotic, and ends up in the hospital. I know that this is her journey but I'm wondering how to be supportive and not foster dependency. What can I do disrupt this pattern so that we can maintain a decent relationship and we can support her as she struggles emotionally?

2.  She's been moving into dependency lately.  I know that she needs someone to listen to her but she's spending a lot of time talking with me lately about her emotional state-like several hours a day. I learned from you all to listen and not provide suggestions.  I tell her that I wish I could hug her and take all her pain away but I can't.  I tell her that I'm not an expert at this and that I don't really know what to do myself much of the time.  I ask her what her therapist would say and she deflects this line of discussion.  I want to support her but it's emotionally draining to spend several hours a day several times a week.  I want her to have a safe place but I can't be her therapist.  I'm not sure how to set this boundary with her or even what a supportive boundary might be.

3.  The going off her meds decision has shaken me.  She's admitted using pot and alcohol to self medicate.  She knows that the alcohol isn't a good idea and says she will stop. I also pointed out that BPD may be related to maturation of the pre-frontal cortex and that pot can inhibit that development and smoking pot could make the BPD worse or keep her from healing. I suggested that she talk about the meds and the substance use with her prescriber to see if they could find a med combo that would work for her.  I don't have concerns in general about pot and alcohol, but I do for her because of her mental health. I'm not sure if/how to set a boundary around the meds and substance abuse and what those boundaries might be. She's an adult and I want to empower her to be as independent as possible and make her own decisions.

Thanks for helping me think!
K

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

First of all congratulations on the way you have supported your step daughter. Also on the way you have seen the patterns - not always an easy thing to do.

I agree with all the things you have said re the self medication and referring her back to her therapist.

It seems as though there was reasonable stability and ability to engage in everyday life while on the medication? I know some side effects are hard to cope with but I wonder if SD has told the therapist that she has gone off them and why. There may be another one that she could try to see if it was effective without the side effects. My doc calls them 'cousins' - ie medicines in the same family but may not have the same effects for me.

The immediate issue is how to put a boundary on several hours, several days a week of engaging in discussion. Does she have other friends that she might talk to? I am thinking that as soon as you start to put a boundary on this, she could move to the next stage and you become the villain.

How do these times come up ie are you doing things in the house and she follows you around? Do you go out some days - does she go with you? what is the pattern around these discussions? Am just wondering to see if there is any room for you to change patterns.

Also re patterns: have you noticed any around SD's alcohol and pot use ie does she binge a bit on weekends or everyday? Just wondering if you have noticed any times when she might be withdrawing and therefore edgy.

Sorry I'm not an immediate help - but I'm really hoping that the advances that have been made can be held onto.

[KBug]

Thanks for responding, Sancho. It's nice to have affirmation and understanding.

I encouraged her to talk to her prescriber about her decision to go off the meds and she said that she would but expressed resistance to starting the meds again. She functions so much better taking them, at least to the outside observer, but she doesn't like how they make her feel flat as well as the physical side effects. This is hard to watch, because on the meds I see a lot less crying and staying in bed and much more social interaction with the family and going to school. 

The needing to talk about her depression and anxiety is tough, too.  She doesn't have any friends and recently broke up with her boyfriend-which I think lead to her going off her meds and sinking into greater anxiety and depression. I was worried too about her feeling rejected when I set boundaries.  She always did it at night after her dad went to bed around 9:30 and kept me up for a few hours. Some nights when dad went to bed after 10, I would join him even though that's too early for me, just to avoid her when I was too emotionally tired.  I didn't do it every night and made some space for her to share.  The mostly nightly discussions ended after our talk about her substance use.  She brought it up and knows that she needs to quit drinking.  I also shared with her about some research that suggests that marijuana can impact on young people's brain development with the brain systems that influence emotional regulation. I told her that she has to figure out what works for her but that I wanted her to know some of the thinking of people who do brain research. I offered to help her find or take her to a 12 step meeting if she wanted help and she became really became angry and cried and said that she's not one of those people.  Her father is in recovery (clean for several years) and her mother (also BPD) has really vilified him and blamed him for all of their relationship problems. I think that a lifetime of hearing about her father as an evil addict from her mother has really polluted the waters for her getting help for her substance use problems.  The next day, she moved out of our house and back into her mother's house. She visited us last Friday night for dinner but left during dinner crying because she couldn't be in the same room as me.

She was smoking pot a couple of times a day.  I'm not sure about alcohol but I could smell it on her several times a week.  She was particularly edgy on Friday because she came to our house after a therapy appointment. Therapy and interacting with her mom usually make her edgy and apparently interacting with me does now, too.

For now, I'm going to be welcoming to her when she decides to engage, but I'm not going to chase her.  I tell her that I love her and that I will always be here for her but that I will respect boundaries that she sets.  I feel like she's a deer and I work hard not to spook the deer.

[old97]

Hi Kbug,

First off, I'm very impressed with your knowledge and your approach to your step daughter. I think it's awesome how much you clearly love her and want to help her. You are MILES ahead of me in your ability to accept and love your partner's child. I'm getting there, but it's taken a very, very long time. Reading your words is inspiring to me. Thank you!

My partner's daughter ("Jane" - 21 years old) also stopped her prescribed medication, and smokes huge amounts of weed. My partner ("Sue") is distressed by both facts, but has come to grips with not being able to do very much about either. Jane does not work, and Sue has stopped giving her cash (Sue obviously buys groceries, provides a roof, and pays Jane's car and health insurance, but no cash which might go towards pot).

Jane monopolizes a LOT of Sue's time. Sue has started establishing and enforcing boundaries. Sue has committed to spending time with me at least one night during the week and about half of the weekend, and we've slowly started extending that time. We've been moderately successful, but not always.

Self-care is tremendously important. It sounds like you know that and are taking steps to ensure you do take care of yourself. I think this is vital. Sue has only recently started to focus on herself more. It's been a struggle, but I'm seeing a difference.

Please keep posting here. I have found interaction with others on this board has been tremendously helpful. And your words in particular are important to me.

Thank you for your input, and I wish you strength and peace.

[KBug]

Thanks for the encouragement. You're right.  Self care is really important. Don't be  so hard on yourself about having to work on accepting your stepdaughter.  I get irritated and angry and resentful, sometimes, too. That's okay. I figure that I do the best that I can do with the energy and patience I have at any given time.  Some days are better than others. For example, when she was spending the night on Friday, I really didn't have the emotional bandwidth to handle a helpless crying session.  I texted a friend to call me and then I Zoomed with her for a couple of hours to avoid getting sucked in to the drama. [Thanks to Sancho for getting me to think about a less threatening/abandoning way of setting a boundary.]  I did spend some time with her in the morning but there was less drama because her dad was there.

Her dad is really good about setting boundaries, better than I am, so she doesn't really interfere with his and my relationship except for a few minor inconveniences. It sounds like your partner is starting to set some good boundaries, especially in not giving her daughter any cash. I know that my stepdaughter is really afraid that she will be dependent on her parents for the rest of her life, and I assume that Jane may fear this, too. When her dad and I talk to her about things, we ask her whether the choices that she is making are helping her or hurting her in becoming more independent. It makes her mad when we talk like this, because I think this talk scares her, but it seems to sink in over time. I think that's why she's questioning her alcohol use right now. I'm wondering if it would help if your partner reframed Jane's efforts to monopolize time in terms of whether it will help or prevent her from being more independent.