Loosing hope

[2lovingabpd]

I am in a relationship with a BP fiancé.  I am new here and don’t really know where to start.  We have been together for almost 3 years and the ups and downs have been insane throughout that time period.  I have discovered through therapy that I am a codependent with some PTSD issues from things that have happened in our relationship early on.  I will admit that things have improved due to my setting some boundaries but I feel it’s nowhere close to enough.   I have three children who are under 13 and I also have guilt that I have put them through break ups and getting back together with this person.   He is mostly good to them but has issues only with my 13 year old sometimes.  I consider myself as an empath and before stopping the “if only I could help him fix this” and starting to work on myself, I made excuses for him to everyone who told me to get away.  I see his good and I see his heart.  He is very broken from so much in his past.. it’s just too much to list.. but I have never been able to give up on him. In his words “everyone always leaves”..   I don’t want to be that person but even with researching everything under the sun, working on myself, setting some boundaries, and trying to change my responses, I still get so angry and put off by his manipulation and blame shifting that I just want to give up.  Tonight I tried to approach things from yet another angle and he is now telling me that it’s ME who has BPD and he the codependent... he is twisting and so so good at this that I literally can’t win.  I am so angry right now when I should be just laughing at this absolutely absurd accusation.. but he truly knows all the ways to infuriate me and he uses them.  I didn’t react, but I did walk away and just refuse to participate any longer with the conversation.  I feel like anything I say leads to more of the same craziness.  I am so tired of doing what I typically do, which is wait for it to pass .. unsolved .. and never address or communicate about how I feel.  He does not know how to do this.  Period. As long as I don’t bring up something that I’m having an issue with, it’s fine.  We are great.  But the minute I want to discuss something... anything that involves him or something negative, we are back to square one .. 3 year old behavior.   Help.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello 2lovingabpd! Welcome to the family!

I'm so sorry for your situation. It can be frustrating/confusing/painful/you name it being in a relationship with a pwBPD. It can also be rewarding and wonderful -- like any relationship. And we all know that well.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right. Setting boundaries. Changing responses. Recognizing and working on your codependence. All excellent.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions. Is he now or has he been in therapy (and is there a BPD diagnosis)? What are some of the approaches you've tried? Can you describe what happened last night in detail? Knowing details can help us get a better handle on the situation and maybe help you with a little trouble-shooting if you're interested.

Keep posting and, again, welcome!

[hopeful1073]

2lovingabpd, I empathize with you and understand how frustrating it is to be falsely accused and to have your feelings disregarded.  I deal with this frequently with my bpd boyfriend and there are days that I feel like I am in  h*** on earth.  All of it is exhausting and, in my view, feeling angry about all of it is a natural emotion, especially if you feel like your feelings are being stifled.  I hope that things for you improve and I encourage you to keep reading the posts here.  There is a lot of helpful information and it helps to know that you are not alone.