Need to express myself

[TOB_100]

Hi Everybody,

My wife has BPD and it's a struggle to deal with it and have nobody who I can discuss this with. Just a bit of background, she resists any blame for anything, says my family history of mental illness means I think everything needs the be solved with a mental health professional and I am her "target of blame". It appears that her sister has the same issue and her son has experienced the same targeting once her husband left.

It's been a few years since this has started escalating and I have not confided in anyone apart from her cousin who quickly  avoided being drawn in to help. So if I am all over the place I apologise but I have at least 3-4 years worth of things to get off my chest and have not had anyone to express to.

My son was born early May last year and about a month before my wife's symptoms dramatically ramped up and it has just continued to get worse. When we brought him home from the hospital the first night I was so exhausted that I fell asleep, I was "punched" awake and beaten on while she told me to "be a man".

Mostly though her abuse is mental or verbal, right now I can hear her yelling at our 13 month old son to sit down, when she knows full well that he cannot understand. Once he is asleep she will take this "disobedience" out on me.

I have to cut this short as I feel my wife is about the have an anger vent and I have to make sure I get my work done so I don't get fired as I am doing housework and parenting while I am supposed to be working as she has "no motivation".

Regards,

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TOB_100]

I was correct, I was dressed down about "my behaviour" and threatened with divorce yet again. I have sort out countless articles about the correct way to handle this but any suggestions do not work, I am starting to think she has experienced someone trying to defuse these situations before. The only way to diffuse the situation is admit whatever she mentions true or otherwise and be submissive while accepting all blame. Even the minute movement of a facial muscle counts as "behaviour", I do not know how to even approach the subject of her seeking help for BPD. 

[Harri]

Hi TOB and welcome.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot and could use some support so I am glad you found us.  We get it here and lots of our members ahve been able to improve things over time, if not for the relationship then in terms of how they respond and interact with their loved one.  The thing is though, all those suggestions on how to diffuse a situation take some practice before they become automatic and more natural sounding.  Also, it is not uncommon to have to repeat things many times before you see any changes.  It is not a once and done sort of thing.

So, I hope that did not come off as a lecture as it is not meant that way.  What I am trying to say and using way to many words to do is that things can get better over time.  Sometimes there is pushback but over time there can be improvement.

What would you say is the biggest issue you are dealing with right now?  How are you currently dealing with things?  Can you give us some detailed he said/she said in an example so we can look at things together?  We all support and help each other here.  By sharing more you will get better feedback.

In the meantime, I hope you read threads and jump in and support others.  We all learn together.

Again,