Ex-communication

[Jk416]

I haven't written anything lately. I have been bouncing in between boards because I'm not really sure where I am or want to be, or if we're even together or not. It changes based on his mood and perception of reality. I feel like maybe I'm asking for too much from my pwBPD. I'm not sure if he's my Bf or xbf. Currently I feel like I'm asking for too much from him. When we met almost a year and a half ago, he was engaged. About a month into it, he allege of the wedding. He has been trying to end their romantic relationship since April 2015. He has kicked her out f the house various times since then. She finally other own place over a month ago. He insists on continuing to be friends with her, which I told him I was fine wit has long as it doesn't interfere with progressing our relationship.

He said she no longer had a key to his home, yet some things I left there, and his things as well, have been taken. He had been talking about changing the locks for a while and finally did so this weekend. I thought we were finally moving forward from her, Moshe's started talking to her almost daily. He swears he doesn't want to be with her, but feels she's supposed to be in his life somehow. I know this is not uncommon with pwBPD, so I'm curious to know he others have handled communication with an ex-partner.

I haven asked hi to stop talking to her. I know how that conversation would go. I believe that he no longer wants to be with her. I just don't understand this ongoing need to "take care of her." Should I just get over my frustration about the phone calls, which so far I know has been happening each night when she gets off. When they were together she would call him while walking to her car. It is likely the same reason. But now they talk a little bit longer then the few minutes they used to. Am I over thinking this?

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[livednlearned]

Hi Jk416,

I understand what you mean by everything changing based on mood and perception of reality. That can sum up how it feels to be with someone who is BPD, and it does take a lot of emotional strength to stay grounded when things aren't always as they seem.

It sounds like there are three of you in this relationship, and the sands are shifting in ways that make it hard to see the boundaries. She may feel like the third wheel at different times, then it shifts to you, then back to her.

It helps to look at actions and start there. She's still in his life, and he has tested the boundaries to see if this is tolerable. He may be doing the same with her, not out of spite or maliciousness, more because it increases his chance of having at least one person to emotionally buoy him if the other is not available.

I guess a good question to start is to figure out your boundary here. Is it ok if he continues to take care of her and talk on the phone? Telling him what he can and can't do in terms of talking to his ex fiance may just drive the behavior underground instead of getting him to comply. Most people don't respond well when they are asked to give up something or someone meaningful.

[Jk416]

Yes, livednlearned, it is hard to see the boundaries. I take the blame for that. For a long time I was afraid to set any boundaries. I have been able to set a few, but am still very nervous about it. And I agree with you, I don't think his actions are malicious at all. He is trying to cover all his (emotional) bases because he feels that I will leave, which I have tried to do a few times already. So he has every right to feel that way.

I am ok with him continuing to talk to his ex, not so much with the "taking care of her." He is a creature of habit and I know it will take a while for him to transition out of that role.

[livednlearned]

I am ok with him continuing to talk to his ex, not so much with the "taking care of her." He is a creature of habit and I know it will take a while for him to transition out of that role.

Sometimes what we do is trade boundaries for x, whatever x might be (usually keeping the person in our lives). The delicate "saving" work is to get ourselves back to our boundaries using awareness of BPD and better communication skills.

He has a foot in both circles, yours and hers. This is ideal for him, and for you there is a shifting line that is going to be hard for all involved. It can get easy to put all of your efforts into finding and defending that line, putting you on the offensive and him on the defensive. This will have the effect of driving him into the arms of the other woman, and she will likely encourage this dynamic, even if she sees the relationship as "over."

I guess the question for you is whether you feel strong enough to be the breezy relationship partner in this triangle who sticks to your boundaries and holds yourself accountable for enforcing them, instead of focusing on what he does/does not do with her.

[patientandclear]

What do you mean, LnL, by "breezy relationship partner who sticks to your boundaries and holds yourself accountable regardless of what he does?" The boundaries would pertain to what he does, right?

[Jk416]

I feel like any boundary involving her will only make him push the limits. The only thing I have been strong on is his interactions with her can't interfere with progressing our relationship, which at this time, him talking to his ex is not directly interfering. I have mentioned that it makes it harder for him to move on, but he says continuing to talk to her helps him move on.