Hi Bpdruinmylife,
Here's how I would relate the qualities you describe with the BPD diagnostic criteria under the DSM-V:
• When we met she was married but she said that her husband allowed her to see other men because they had an agreement. She was sleeping on the couch. He had an alcohol problem and couldn't satisfy her.
"1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" ... .As I see it, for people with BPD (pwBPD), when they are in an "open" relationship, they are less likely to be "abandoned" because they can abandon first by being with someone else before the unhappy partner can leave them. This is a strategy to avoid abandonment; abandonment occurs when you are left, not when you leave (not when it is you who abandons).
• A month or so of us seeing each other she left her husband and wanted me to move in with her. She was relentless about me moving in with her. Cmon, cmon, cmon, just constant
After she decided to leave her husband, now she had to deal with the *imagined* possibility that you could/would leave her. So this is why she had such incredible insecurity whenever you didn't do something to indicate that you were totally committed to her. In fact, I would imagine the closer you two became, the worse her insecurity got.
• Early on we would be having an amazing time together and suddenly it was if all the energy in the room would leave and she would get quiet and then dark and moody and upset that I was not with her completely. That I hadn't left my life yet for her. This would happen somewhat frequently, an emotional mood swing to darkness
"2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation"
"6. Affect instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)"
"Amazing time together" = idealization;
"she would get quiet and then dark and moody and upset" = affect instability (or emotional instability);
• She would call me at night after drinking a bit and say the most angry meanest things to me, she would be upset, crying and carrying on. Just unhinged. She would say she was going to commit suicide, that she had a miscarriage, she hated meeting me etc... .
"4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., substance abuse, binge eating, and reckless driving)" -- alcoholism?
"5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior" -- threat of suicide.
"8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)"
You see, pwBPD can get upset of their loved ones simply because they *imagine* their loves ones plan to leave them. And you cannot convince them otherwise because this is how they feel. And for pwBPD feelings override facts.
• After the episode she would be in a physical comatose, just beat down, literally in bed for a day or two, just exhausted and spent. Just no strength to deal with anything.
"7. Chronic feelings of emptiness"
"9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms"
Maybe not the paranoid ideation, but "dissociative" means disconnecting... .
• Every once in awhile something really strange would come out, "there are things i don't like about you," "i know you are going to be messy," "you aren't going to be easy aren't you?" "i like to own all the balls in the room, it's a personal i play with," she would also talk about how a man was pursuing her, chased her to her hotel room etc...
"3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self" It's almost like she changes personality traits from time to time?
• She is willing to get therapy after she has an episode and I basically leave her. She will actively go to ALANON, or even a therapist, I have even sat with a therapist with her, and it was so calming and great,
"1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" ... .is she going to get therapy because she genuinely wants to get better or because she is afraid you would leave her if she did not?
• She rages, she threatens to expose me to my ex... (we are still friends)... .it's scary how she just goes insane... .
"8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)"
• She has a great job she is very good at
BPD is about interpersonal relationships and intimacy; it does not impact their ability to function in non-intimate dynamics -- there are plenty of high functioning people with BPD in this world. Most people do not get to see their disordered behaviors.
• She has the sense of humor of an 11 year old boy, kinda goofy cute fun, she is absolutely gorgeous, gregarious, huge smile, personality off the charts,
• She also kinda takes on things that are me, maybe style of clothes or some activities I do, it's a bit strange ... .
"3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self" If you sense of self is unstable, you can assume the qualities of those around you, especially those closest to you.
• When I add something to my schedule new and am excited about it, when I tell her, I get the feeling she is threatened or something by it, like not really happy but she has to pretend or something
"1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" ... .Changes from the routine, and unpredictable events lead to *imagined* abandonment.
• She is very smart and she has opened me up and made me look at some dark things about myself and it has been really painful but I think they are true flaws I need to work on... .problem is now... .she has done somethings that I just don't trust her anymore ... .she became the best friend i've ever had, she has seen me break down and cry and face really dark demons... at same time though she has betrayed or threatened to betray me and it just broke trust...
"2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation"
Idealization = the best of times
devaluation = the worst of times
• she wants to work it out with me ... .go to therapy ... .build the life we dreamed about ... .but there is just something strange ...
"3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self"
• one time she threatened suicide ... .and asked me to come over just to be with her ... i slept on couch not with her for a few days ... .she started to act like we were living together ! i got super pissed and told her no, i'm here because of sucide watch ... .she got super pissed... threw me out and my stuff ... .was insane ... but
Like Once removed said, we don't diagnose here. I'm not a professional. The stuff I wrote above is quoted from the manual that the professionals use. However my interpretation is from a lay-perspective.
Best wishes,
Schwing