It is so hurtful to have my own words and history twisted and thrown back at me

[Chittychitty]

My daughter is in the process of being diagnosed.  This feels a relief as this understanding is explaining a lot of very erratic and difficult behaviour over the years. I am currently receiving a lot of anger and blame and false accusations and demands for me to take responsibility for her BPD.  I want to talk about this with her but her rage and anger make this very difficult. I feel a need to defend myself.  My actions in the past I have been of a parent who is doing her best with outrageous behaviour. I am usually pretty reasonable but I have been reduced to feeling angry and feeling out of control at times.  She is interpreting boundaries and consequences for her actions/words as rejection and twisting them  She is accusing me of emotional abuse and representing other family members as saints who have been the only scrap of security in an otherwise abusive life with me.  I am not a perfect parent but I have loved and cared for her more than any other person and I believe she had a secure, stable and loving childhood.  It is horrifying and so hurtful to have your own words and history twisted and represented back to you in this way.  I am struggling to not fan her flames and maintain our relationship and yet maintain my own sanity and not be mown down by her twisted version of our life together.  
The crazy making part of this is that she swings back to being a loving and appreciative daughter. This vicious character assassination usually occurs in private.  So when I try to explain it to others I feel I look either nasty or mad.
  I feel hurt and isolated and worried for my daughter and have no idea how to respond to her demands for me to take responsibility . Whatever I do or say infuriates her. For now I have not responded as I simply do not know what to say.  I cannot agree with what she says, but if I contradict her it causes more distress and rage, so for now I have not said anything which  I am guessing will also be misinterpreted.  I feel I have been desperately trying to do the right thing for her and to her for years, but all of it has not helped and has been misinterpreted and/or twisted.  I am heart broken and exhausted. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Welcome to the parent's forum, Chittychitty.  I am sorry for what brings you here, but am glad you have found us and I want you to know that you are not alone!  I felt compelled to respond to you as I could have wrote your post pretty much word for word about a year ago.  I have a BPD dd21 who is stable and doing well at the moment after years of behaviours similar to what you described. 

The crazy making part of this is that she swings back to being a loving and appreciative daughter. This vicious character assassination usually occurs in private.  So when I try to explain it to others I feel I look either nasty or mad.

Chittychitty, I totally know where you are coming from with the above quote.  I remember feeling so relieved when my daughter finally could not keep up the constant façade with other family members (most especially my mother, who loves to play devil's advocate with me).  It was such a relief to be able to say... ."see, Mom, I'm not exaggerating... .this is what we have been living with for years!" 

Chittychitty, please know that you have no need to explain yourself here, no need to justify.  We GET IT... .we have all been down a similar dark path... .We accept each other at face value on this forum, do not judge and I guarantee you will finally feel understood and supported.  Please keep posting and share more details as you feel comfortable... .

Whatever I do or say infuriates her. For now I have not responded as I simply do not know what to say.  I cannot agree with what she says, but if I contradict her it causes more distress and rage, so for now I have not said anything which  I am guessing will also be misinterpreted.

There are a ton of excellent learning resources to help us better communicate with our BPD family members.  The lessons on the right hand side of the page under the title "Family Connections" are a great place to start 

When I joined this forum a little less than a year ago, my daughter and I were scarcely able to have a conversation without is spiralling into something volatile.  I had almost given up hope... .and then I found this forum.  The immediate validation was incredible, and then when I started implementing some of the things I learned here, a light started to appear in the dark tunnel that had become our existence.  The key is changing your own reactions and behaviour.  Even if it doesn't change how your daughter responds to you (though it likely will, at least somewhat), you will feel better within yourself... .More in control... No longer the victim...   It is so important to escape from that "victim" mindset.  It was Huat from this forum who told me not to be a victim, and while it took me a while to understand what she meant and to stop playing that role, it was bang on.  When you take back your control, you do things by choice, not by manipulation and guilt.

You are very obviously a loving, thoughtful mother, Chittychitty, and your daughter is very fortunate to have you in her corner.  Peruse this site and post freely... .You are amongst the very best of people here... .We understand each other and we want to help. 

  MomMae

 

[Rosie1q]

 Chittychitty.
From one mum to another I know and understand everything yor are going through. As they say been there done that and I’m still wearing the t shirt. The only advice I can give you DONT THAT IT PERSONALLY. DON,T DEFEND YOUR SELF. When  the rage starts and the red mist is there then your wasting your breath. Read as much as you can and use the tools. A huge welcome to you   your not alone and you are a loving mum because like many of us your trying to understand this awful illness and were you this bad mother than you wouldn’t give a damn.  So head up take care of yourself treat yourself now and again you DESERVE IT. Reach out to us here we will totally get how you are feeling. We are all walking in your shoes too x

[Chittychitty]

thank you so much Mommae and Rosie1q.  #it means so much t be able to reach out and be understood and also met with such generosity and kindness. thank you.  I am struggling but your words have given me some reassurance, comfort and hope.  Thank you xxxx

[Rosie1q]

 Chittychitty.
Your very welcome 

[wendydarling]

Hi Chittychitty

I'd like to join MomMae and Rosie1q welcoming you to the community, so very glad you found us, you are not alone  .

 

Chittychitty.
From one mum to another I know and understand everything yor are going through. As they say been there done that and I’m still wearing the t shirt. The only advice I can give you DONT THAT IT PERSONALLY. DON,T DEFEND YOUR SELF. When  the rage starts and the red mist is there then your wasting your breath. Read as much as you can and use the tools.

MomMae and Rosie1q give great advice, the tools, lessons and buckets full of support and wisdom are right here for the taking, a gift for us all, I'm forever grateful!

So true Rosie1q, don't defend your self and MomMae we can step out of victim mode here - balancing the scales comes to my mind

Chittychitty, here is a lesson from our Library of tools and skills you may find helpful, does it speak to you?
2.02 | Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

WDx