Im resentful, angry and having a hard time still accepting it all and finding my own fault in it. The only thing I can figured out that I did wrong was keep going back. BUt n my defense I never sought her out, she always cmae back to me, apoligized for her behavior and made a valid excuse. with promises of it never happening again or getting therapy to work on her anger blah, blah blah.
I want to move on, i want to find peace in it all, but i still struggle. any ideas?
Hello Mitchell. Thank you for asking, because it allows me to step back and process similar feelings. Here are some thoughts (about my situation, of course, but which may or may not help you):
1. I am trying to stop myself from finding "fault" or itemizing who did what "wrong" in my relationship with my uBPDxgf, which also occurred after divorce. Instead, I'm trying to focus on why I was so enmeshed, willing to stay, willing to recycle numerous times, and then devastated when I was abandoned.
2. Reading about BPD has helped me release myself from failing to "fix" the relationship. It also helps me release my ex, because no matter how much I might have wanted to "fix" things, I could not change her (i.e., only she could change herself).
3. I have focused on what triggered me, during and after the relationship. I was triggered when I perceived (a) criticism, (b) invalidation, (c) rejection, (d) hatred, (e) blame, (f) shame, and (g) abandonment. These things kept me hooked, enmeshed, and riding the crazy train.
4. At a number of points during my relationship, I could have stood up for myself. I could have self-soothed. I could have drawn boundaries. I could have smiled and detached. But, I did not -- mainly because I let my unconscious dictate my reactions in the relationship. I *knew* when I was being manipulated, but because I wanted to badly to have a *good* and *successful* post-divorce relationship, I *worked* at self-improvement -- [but not really because I was letting her dictate it].
5. My reality is this: my relationship with xBPDgf exposed my core issues. In the aftermath, I have had to wrestle with (a) FOO issues, (b) raising my self-awareness, (c) raising my level of psychological differentiation, and (d) learning to accept and let go. I am not assigning blame to myself -- it is what it is. I'm hurting, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm depressed, etc. But, it's going to be my ticket to liberating my authentic self. And that's the self I want.
Hope that gives you one perspective.
