Advice with today’s daily landmine.

[Dad50]

Sone quick background that may help. I share custody of my kids with their mom. Five days on five days off. My pwBPD is terribly threatened by my ex wife and every interaction about parenting brings up rages.

My co-parenting relationship is pretty collegial. We exchange about one email a month about child bills and needs. We never see each other at pick or drop off. I haven’t even seen my exes face more than a couple times in five years. There’s no drama, which I like.

So, my pwBPD feels like my ex is trying to ruin  our lives. A simple monthly email listing the child bills will elicit a profanity laced tirade mail f how I need to put that b#%* in her place. Now, my pwBPD knows I don’t like my ex and don’t have contact or even care about her , but she seems perpetually threatened.

Sorry to drone on. Today’s point. My ex emailed because she wants to know if I can take the kids one day early in August and cover one of her days. Literally one sentence long and very deferential asking if I’d consider.

Now, I have to forward this request to my partner, and I am already dreading the melt down. For my part I have no problem taking my kids one extra night, only a few extra hours. I’d take my kids full time if I could, although I known it’s good they have a good relationship with their mom. Also, it just makes things easier to agree to simple favors and adjustments because they are rare to begin with and it also makes it easier if down the road I need a favor from their mom. Finally, just last week my ex took the kids a night early so my pwBPD and I could go on an out of town trip.

Now, maybe this is bad but I already know how my pwBPD is going to react if I tell her I am fine with taking the kids a night early.

1) she will think I am choosing the kids over her because that’s “our” night.
2) it will drive her crazy thinking that I am doing my ex a favor
3) she will demand I ask for a favor in return, even though this exact favor happened forbid just last week
4) she will be pissed that I am caving to and being so nice to my ex

So, I need to stop being conflict avoidant. The dumb part of my brain says just agree to take the kids and don’t tell my partner, but obviously that would just blow up in a month when I all of a sudden have the kids a night early. So, I have to forward this email request and I have to say I have no problem taking the kids a night early.

How do I do this ?.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

I have to forward this request to my partner,

Is that... true? Do you... have to?

[pursuingJoy]

I'm with kells. You have options here.

Think about what you value. If you value respect for her and open communication as well as time with kids, I might lean towards forwarding it to your girlfriend with a statement of intent and suggest another day to make up for the lost one. Brace for the response and hold the line unapologetically.

You could also reply to your ex and copy gf, stating, "Thanks. You kept them an extra night so we could go out, so we'll return the favor."

You could simply reply to ex and accept, then inform gf.

I'm sure there are other options but it always helps me to think about what I value first and go from there. Don't violate your values.
 

[kells76]

You know, Dad50, I thought about your situation for a bit after replying, and now I'm wondering:

have you ever taken the "mosaic" test?

From what I've heard, it assesses your danger level in your relationship.

I recall now that she punched you the other day, when you were driving (if I'm remembering correctly).

So, that adds some context to consider as you're wondering what to tell her about the kids' schedule.

I'm wondering if there is some outcome or incident that you are dreading or afraid of, if you tell her that you are taking that day with the kids, that goes beyond "I don't like that she will be in a bad mood" and towards abusive behaviors.

If that is the case, that is pretty serious -- to be so afraid of a partner's unpredictable and violent reactions that you change how you spend time with family.

Consider taking the test in a safe, secure location, and, if you feel comfortable, sharing the results with us. There are more experienced members here who can walk you through what it means, too.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

[EZEarache]

I've been reading Stop Care Taking the Borderline which is suggested reading on this site. I just finished a section about breaking routines which will probably apply here:

Step 1 Drop a casual comment that is fairly general such as, "My ex might need me to take care of the kids a an extra night next month in return for helping me by taking them last week for our trip."

Step 2 A week later, "I'm thinking that xx date will work to make up the time she helped me take care of the kids."

Step 3 A week later, "Do you think it's better if xx date or yy date will work to take care of the kids, since she helped me last week? Don't get in a discussion, just acknowledge your BPD's preference, but don't make promises to comply.

Step 4 Closer to the date say, "My ex wants me to take care of the kids on the night of XX. I know this isn't your preference, how can I make it easier for you?"

Step 5: Listen to the BP/NPs comments complaints and upset without getting involved yourself. Just acknowledge what a problem this is going to be for your BPD. "I'm sorry that this will be inconvenient for you." Do not expect the BPD todo anything special to accommodate you.

Step 6: Identify a couple of benefits for the BPD that will be appealing, like, "This means you can have an extra girls night, why don't you make plans with Suzy Q and do whatever boring crap you prefer to and bitch at me that I don't do enough of."

Step 7: Be prepared to wait days or weeks for the BPD to calm down, eventually she will just reach acceptance about it.

I basically just copied this straight out of the book, but applied your situation to it. Hopefully this helps, I did it as much for reinforcement for myself as information for you.

Good luck sounds like a rough situation to be in, you probably get grief both from your ex and your current relationship. Makes me want to stay single, LOL.

[NonnyMouse]

If she says no after Step 1 then you are screwed!

I always rehearse these sort of conversations but they never go as planned.

[globalnomad]

Just wanted to say I really relate to this. Sounds like a carbon copy of the dynamics between me and my pwBPD wife. In our case it happens every time I have to attend some kind of work event in the evening (only a couple of times a year) -- or ever spend any time away from her with a friend. The one thing I have learned is that avoiding conflict by not telling her and hiding it, or waiting until the last minute to tell her is the worst possible way to handle it. How badly do you think she's going to react to being told?

[Dad50]

I am afraid of her reaction because of a confluence of things. It is my weekend with my kids so she is already feeling abandoned and like I am choosing my "first family" as she likes to call them when she is pissed. I know I have to find some gravitas and just tell her. Waiting truly doesn't help. She's going to feel like I am acquiescing to my ex, and being too nice to her, and so on and so on. I can bring up the fact that my ex took the kids on one of our nights just a week ago, but honestly that has the potential to backfire because then she will say I am defending my ex.

But yeah, the main crux of your point is true. I just have to tell her. Uggghhh

[Dad50]

EZearacvhe:

"Step 7: Be prepared to wait days or weeks for the BPD to calm down, eventually she will just reach acceptance about it.

I basically just copied this straight out of the book, but applied your situation to it. Hopefully this helps, I did it as much for reinforcement for myself as information for you.

Good luck sounds like a rough situation to be in, you probably get grief both from your ex and your current relationship. Makes me want to stay single, LOL"



Thanks EZearache. This is a good list and foundation to work from, instead of just flailing around. Step 7 is probably the last step on any list. Just ride out the storm, wait a bit, and it'll pass.

The sad/good thing about my co-parenting is that there is almost zero drama with an ex I don't really like and she doesn't like me, but we just keep it business like. The person I am with creates more drama and heartache than the person that left me.

[Dad50]

Is that... true? Do you... have to?

Kells,
   thanks for the reminder that I do, in fact, have choices. I don't have to forward the e-mail, but there will be consequences. Believe it or not, just forwarding e-mails is a step forward for me advocating for ourselves. She originally demanded all my passwords for my social media and e-mails. It felt weird, but I didn't really care because I am about as harmless as they come and never have questionable correspondences.

For four years she screened my emails multiple times a day. She would check my messages more often than I would. Any message, even if it was completely logistical like the kids have a doctor appointment or something, would elicit at least a day of anger and resentment. My pwBPD would go through years and years of sent e-mails from before we even met. (Who knew your sent e-mails saved and who would think to delete them), so she would get upset about some e-mail I sent setting up some blind date years a before we even met.

Anyway, it got sad because I don 't even check my messages that often but all of a sudden my pwBPD would be asking me ton explain some innocuous message I had never even read.

So, after four years, I finally said I can'[t go on in this manner. The compromise was that I would forward her every email from my ex.

I mean,, here is the e-mail that I am so terrified of forwarding:

""Hi-
I am wondering if you would be able to take the kids beginning late afternoon and the evening of Thursday August 12th?

Thanks for considering.""
 
I mean, that's it, but to my pwBPD that one sentence will have so m uch deeper meaning.

[Dad50]

I'm sure there are other options but it always helps me to think about what I value first and go from there. Don't violate your values.
 

pursuingjoy,
   Thanks for your support. I have been violating my values for five years. It's one of the reasons my self esteem is so low. I think this suggestion is so paramount, and so hard at the same time. Thanks for the reminder.

[GaGrl]

Dad50, it is more than concerning that your pwBPD is a professor and a therapist. On the outside, she probably presents as a high-functioning professional. In reality, within her relationship with you, she is extremely low-functioning.

The level of control she needs to exert to keep from falling apart is extreme. Her paranoia is extreme.

You cannot maintain this level of compensating for her dysfunction. It is harmful to you and your children, and it isn't making your pwBPD improve.

Regarding your email, what one step can you take and see through?

[Dad50]

Thanks for the help everyone. I forwarded the e-mail and told my partner that I was going to take the kids for an extra evening. I think it really helped that I told my pwBPD that I would only send a one word e-mail, "fine" and that I would wait a few days to send it. Those two things seemed to help my partner stay calm.

thanks for the encouragement. Waiting to deal with it and avoiding it only would have made things worse.

[pursuingJoy]

Dad50 thanks for the update! Do you feel good about the outcome so far?