Feel Like I'm Losing It and Nowhere to Turn

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I talked to his mom yesterday.  He got extremely nasty with her on the phone.  She lives out of state.  Told her that he was putting his boat in his own name because she'd be dead soon.  She said she hung up the phone and said "You'll beat me kid."  Then she asked me if something happened to  him if I'd be O.K. I said yes, what do you think will happen?  She said that she thinks that he will kill himself but it will be an accident.  He's running around with these crazy drunks and pot heads like him.  She said that he just couldn't stand up and be the man that we thought he could be.  Also his blood pressure was 209/114 and he didn't refill his blood pressure medication.  He thinks he doesn't need it.  That lets me know tha he would never take meds for BPD. 

I told her not to let him go off on her.  Let him go off on that trash that he's running around with. 

Then the worst part is, he is hanging with that guy he knows 24/7.  I had always heard rumors that he was gay, and it sure looks that way.  Barely touching me for six years and now him and this guy are inseparable.

But I don't know for sure and that also pisses me off.

But someone told me that that is what drug addicts do.

I wish I knew.  So depressed I'm going to bed at 9:00 p.m.

Thought that I was over the worst.  Guess not.

[ve01603]

I talked to his mom yesterday.  He got extremely nasty with her on the phone.  She lives out of state.  Told her that he was putting his boat in his own name because she'd be dead soon.  She said she hung up the phone and said "You'll beat me kid."  Then she asked me if something happened to  him if I'd be O.K. I said yes, what do you think will happen?  She said that she thinks that he will kill himself but it will be an accident.  He's running around with these crazy drunks and pot heads like him.  She said that he just couldn't stand up and be the man that we thought he could be.  Also his blood pressure was 209/114 and he didn't refill his blood pressure medication.  He thinks he doesn't need it.  That lets me know tha he would never take meds for BPD. 

I told her not to let him go off on her.  Let him go off on that trash that he's running around with. 

Then the worst part is, he is hanging with that guy he knows 24/7.  I had always heard rumors that he was gay, and it sure looks that way.  Barely touching me for six years and now him and this guy are inseparable.

But I don't know for sure and that also pisses me off.

But someone told me that that is what drug addicts do.

I wish I knew.  So depressed I'm going to bed at 9:00 p.m.

Thought that I was over the worst.  Guess not.

[GCD145]

ve01603-

I think you need to look into no contact.  You need to stop talking to him, stop talking to his mom, and basically give yourself some time and space to get over this.

GCD145

[ve01603]

I know that you are right but I just cannot accept this.  I thought that we were so close at one time.  He blows up his life with his too much pot and alcohol, has a breakdown, blows up his life, and mine goes right to hell with his. 

[Kenneth]

So, so difficult, ve10603--and I'm so sorry to hear about his behavior. And this is the hardest part of "facing the facts"--we cannot control them and we have to let them go and do what they're going to do.

It might sound trite and of little comfort but while he's out there f-ing up his life, this is your time to be strong and rise above it. Also of little comfort: if a friend was going through the same thing, what would you say to her or him?

Don't feel bad about going to bed early or doing what you need to do to recover from this trauma. When I'm feeling down, I give myself permission to sleep things off when I need to: sometimes just getting through the day, staying out of trouble, and staying alive is a courageous act.

Hang in there.

warmly,

Kenneth.

[2010]

First things first. I think you have some misconceptions about BPD. It is a personality construct that comes from infancy. It doesn't have anything to do with pills or pot or alcohol, although those substances can make you think the BPD would be manageable if you removed them from using. It won't help.

BPD is not treated with medication. There is no magic pill that people can take to make themselves better. it is a core issue that cannot be fixed by other people. Only long term therapy in an environment that addresses these issues (from childhood) will give any insight to why a person with BPD responds the way they do. This means confronting their childhood dynamics and pushing through the pain on their own.

Speaking of childhood dynamics, most core issues involves subconscious recycling of the behaviors in romantic relationships. Your enmeshment with his Mother is in the code of this coupling. There's no reason for him to get help for his behavior when you are both doing his problem solving for him. He'll never grow up.

I dont know if he is a narcissist or a borderline, but what really matters here is your behavior in response to his.

[ve01603]

sometimes just getting through the day, staying out of trouble, and staying alive is a courageous act.

Thanks Kenneth.  I totally agree with what you said.

[ve01603]

2010  I think that you are right.  My parents were emotionally unavailabe.  I think that it is my whole problem.  Now I need to know how to fix it.

Don't have time for therapy, doing full time work and full time school and have to get another license for work before 9/1.

[ve01603]

I actually feel trapped.  I might be the bigger person and going out and doing what is right each day.  I have to walk the walk each day.  He has his buddy to be with all the time and he is a chiropractor so he can get away with working his lousy two and a half days a week and make more than I can all week.  So even though I'm doing the right thing; I'm not winning.  I'm just waiting for Karma to come around and kick him in the ass and it can't happen soon enough for me.

He blew our life up and now because his drug addict buddy is with him 24/7 he'll never miss me.  Of course, I should realize that if I guy has absolutley zero in gettin busy in the bedroom and only wants to be drunk and stoned, and doesn't know the difference between me and his buddy, he did me a favor.

[Kenneth]

Doing the right thing is rarely easy--and even more rarely, unfortunately, is living a moral life one that brings us "happiness." (At least the fluffy kind.)

But how is he "winning"? He's an emotionally empty, immature human being self-medicating himself with drugs and turning away from any available help. I would rather be miserable and have those feelings than stave off my issues by numbing myself.

But don't let your imagination take advantage of you too much. You don't really know what he's feeling, if he misses you or not. (And if you go strict NC, you'll have the benefit of him not knowing how you're feeling.)

[ve01603]

Thanks.  I know that you're right but I just feel like I'm lonely and he's  not and it's not fair.

[innerspirit]

Thanks.  I know that you're right but I just feel like I'm lonely and he's  not and it's not fair.

Doing the right thing is rarely easy--and even more rarely, unfortunately, is living a moral life one that brings us "happiness." (At least the fluffy kind.)

But how is he "winning"? He's an emotionally empty, immature human being self-medicating himself with drugs and turning away from any available help. I would rather be miserable and have those feelings than stave off my issues by numbing myself.

But don't let your imagination take advantage of you too much. You don't really know what he's feeling, if he misses you or not. (And if you go strict NC, you'll have the benefit of him not knowing how you're feeling.)

x

I've sure been there.  It really really hurts that it's not fair and that he can't treat you with fairness.

But what appears on the surface to be so unfair may be the appearance of his supposed well-being, a mask he puts up to protect himself.  His various addictions are the means for him to outrun feelings and issues that are more troublesome.

[ve01603]

Thanks innerspirit.

[DAS]

I know that you are right but I just cannot accept this.  I thought that we were so close at one time.  He blows up his life with his too much pot and alcohol, has a breakdown, blows up his life, and mine goes right to hell with his. 

Mine came to me in a hopeless state. Oh - not at first - at first it was I'VE SAVED UP SO MUCH MONEY I DON'T NEED TO WORK AND WILL GO TRAVELLING THE WORLD IN THREE MONTHS! As we got closer, truth came out. Truth being she was living on her line of credit and planning to kill herself in three months cause she had no support. She wasn't talking to her family, had no job and her LTR had up and left just about the same time as she had been on the verge of getting a new one.

Enter me - trying desperately to save her - knowing that she would do what she would do but offering my support - giving her a place to live with me till she could get her life on track.

How did she use that support? Went and formed a romantic relationship with another guy and slept with him in my bed. Never even looked for a new job. Never even considered therapy. But she's started talking to her family again.

My point - I think BPDs are quite skilled at finding... .well... .people to cushion their falls.