Tales from Therapy

[Depression = 72% of members]

Tales from Therapy is a thread I'm starting to document my experience going to counseling.  I've been interested in starting therapy ever since I realized my wife likely has BPD 4 years ago. But at that time, therapists were on a very long wait list due to COVID. 

Recently I told her that I wanted to start therapy to address ADHD and anxiety I've been dealing with my whole life.  This was a reasonably easy thing to tell her because she is aware of my ADHD and has made jokes about it recently.  I left the following part out- One of the primary things I need support from a therapist is handling the "walking on eggshells" part of living with someone who has BPD, so I selected a therapist who has a background in DBT and personality disorders. 

So here we go, please join me as I document my experience with every session.  Please comment and give thoughts to the approach the therapist took.  This should be an interesting ride!

[mitten]

Tales from Therapy is a thread I'm starting to document my experience going to counseling.  I've been interested in starting therapy ever since I realized my wife likely has BPD 4 years ago. But at that time, therapists were on a very long wait list due to COVID. 

Recently I told her that I wanted to start therapy to address ADHD and anxiety I've been dealing with my whole life.  This was a reasonably easy thing to tell her because she is aware of my ADHD and has made jokes about it recently.  I left the following part out- One of the primary things I need support from a therapist is handling the "walking on eggshells" part of living with someone who has BPD, so I selected a therapist who has a background in DBT and personality disorders. 

So here we go, please join me as I document my experience with every session.  Please comment and give thoughts to the approach the therapist took.  This should be an interesting ride!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mitten]

SESSION 1

This was basically the meet and greet and tell me about your history and why you're here.  I gave my therapist the background of when my ADHD started back in school and when I first noticed I had anxiety, and then I dropped the BPD bombshell on her.  I told her one of the reasons I selected her as my therapist is because she has experience working with people with BPD and their families.  And with that, we were out of time.  She asked me to come back in a month to dive deeper into my history and what was driving my anxiety. 

[mitten]

SESSION 2

So now that the meet and greet is over and I've shared my history, we start to dive into therapy.  She asks me "why I'm here".  Instead of talking about ADHD and just my general anxiety, I talk about my anxiety in the way my wife triggers it.  I share that I really have a tough time with conflict so I always try to keep the peace around the house.  I have found that saying and sharing less keeps the drama down.  This has been the most successful tool for me since I learned what BPD was.  The therapist then suggested that me withholding information, or not be fully open with her about my feelings could be triggering her.  I thought that was interesting, since I've been taking the less is better approach with my communication. 

She gave me homework - Observe myself, how much of this is me right now (causing the unease)?  Is my feeling really in line with my BPD wife's reaction.  Or am I blowing it up?

[mitten]

SESSION 3

The pendulum swung in my last therapy session, like it has throughout my relationship with my BPD wife.  When I was first with her I thought everything was my fault and I needed to do better... then I realized she likely had BPD and then the pendulum swung all the way to her and I felt less personal blame for the conflict.  My last session made me wonder if the pendulum swung too far?  And I wasn't taking my fair share of the blame. 

I did my homework from the previous session, which was to observe my feelings when my BPD wife responded to me in a rude or disrespectful way.    My therapists hypothesis was the I was overreacting to how my wife would say no to something.  For example, she would rather not go see my parents but her telling me that in a rude way doesn't mean she is super mad at me.  Having this awareness to my feelings did provide a sense of relief.  I was able to brush off her rudeness easier without overreacting.  It also provided me with something that was in my control- something I could work on, since I know she won't work on herself.  That gave me hope. 

Then the conversation turned to what I needed to work on next.  She explained that being a working mother is super hard and that when my wife gets home she probably doesn't have any energy to control her emotions.  And because I fear conflict I am shutting down and not being open about my feelings.  I'm withholding my thoughts and wants.  She said I wasn't communicating and that can make someone with BPD feel very nervous. 

She gave me the following homework - look up short YouTube videos about communication styles in couples and watch it together.  Google something like “How to validate your partner better”. 

So BPD Family members, What do you think about this advice so far? 

[mitten]

Oops, forgot one more thing the therapist recommended in Session 3.  Couples counseling.  She thought it could help our communication.  She said we definitely have a communication problem because I'm not comfortable sharing my feelings with her and I'm shut down with my communication because of it. 

[kells76]

Hi mitten, glad to read your therapy updates -- it will be quite the journey!

SESSION 3

The pendulum swung in my last therapy session, like it has throughout my relationship with my BPD wife.  When I was first with her I thought everything was my fault and I needed to do better... then I realized she likely had BPD and then the pendulum swung all the way to her and I felt less personal blame for the conflict.  My last session made me wonder if the pendulum swung too far?  And I wasn't taking my fair share of the blame. 

I wonder if an alternative way to discuss this dynamic is less about blame, and more about responsibility? Responsibility is tied to boundaries -- what is "ours" and what isn't "ours". Stuff in my yard inside my fence is my responsibility, stuff in her yard inside her fence is her responsibility. pwBPD struggle to have a healthy conception of boundaries. If we hop on their ride, we'll struggle, too. Getting back to a balanced, realistic view of responsibility in the relationship may help the relationship have a chance of success.

I did my homework from the previous session, which was to observe my feelings when my BPD wife responded to me in a rude or disrespectful way.    My therapists hypothesis was the I was overreacting to how my wife would say no to something.  For example, she would rather not go see my parents but her telling me that in a rude way doesn't mean she is super mad at me. Having this awareness to my feelings did provide a sense of relief.  I was able to brush off her rudeness easier without overreacting.  It also provided me with something that was in my control- something I could work on, since I know she won't work on herself.  That gave me hope.

That sounds simple but seems really important, again, if your relationship is to have a chance of getting "less bad".

Not everything pwBPD do is "personal" to us -- though it can feel that way. It doesn't mean that it's OK or not hurtful that she is rude. It's taking a little slice of the view and saying -- when she was rude about saying she didn't want to see your parents, that's not "all about you". pwBPD don't communicate well or skillfully, and may be hyperfocused on their own feelings of the moment. If we "take the bait" of believing "she was rude to me because she's mad at me", then we might escalate by also communicating unskillfully: "I don't get why you're so mad at me" and it's off to the races.

However, if we can look at it as "she was rude to me because she's mentally ill and has impaired communication skills and may be feeling something inside that I don't know about" -- now I have a choice about how I respond, there's a choice to not participate in escalating.

I think it's really positive that you're open to changing how you communicate and recognize that you can't control her.

That's the core of validation -- validation isn't a magic wand that changes the other person, and it isn't continuing to tiptoe around her, placate her, give in to her, or agree with falsehoods.

Validation is one of only two options for communication in general. We can communicate in a validating way or in an invalidating way -- that's it. Invalidating communication will probably blow up and lead to more wounds on both sides. Validating communication gives the relationship a chance by creating opportunities to connect.

I think you're right that there's reason to hope when you're taking responsibility for yourself and working on yourself and your approach!

Then the conversation turned to what I needed to work on next. She explained that being a working mother is super hard and that when my wife gets home she probably doesn't have any energy to control her emotions. And because I fear conflict I am shutting down and not being open about my feelings.  I'm withholding my thoughts and wants.  She said I wasn't communicating and that can make someone with BPD feel very nervous.

What did you think about that?

She gave me the following homework - look up short YouTube videos about communication styles in couples and watch it together.  Google something like “How to validate your partner better”. 

We have a Dr. Alan Fruzzetti video on Understanding validation in families -- might be interesting to watch that one and share your thoughts with your T 

...

What do you think of your T's approach so far, to focus on you and your choices/options?

[SaltyDawg]

Hello Mitten,

I am so glad that you have started therapy, and a lot of benefit can be gotten from it.  I have about 250 sessions of couple's therapy along with more than 80 individual sessions with licensed therapists, along with countless peer to peer support groups including but not limited to BPD family.  Most of these sessions were weekly in nature, I noticed that yours are 'monthly'. 

I can share, that most of these sessions, until May of 2022, where largely a blame fest against me in couple's therapy (60 sessions ago) - if you do start couple's therapy, and if your partner is indeed on the cluster-B spectrum, be prepared for for her to put all the blame on you, and if you do not counter it with the therapist, the therapist will likely believe her, as cluster-B's have a tendency to believe their own distorted 'facts' to the point of being false narrative that is loosely based on the truth making it all the more believable - you will be facing an uphill battle here with couple's therapy, unless your partner is so blatant on her behaviors that they cannot be ignored/excused.

For the moment, if I were you, I would focus on your own individual therapy, and if this individual therapy is not going in a direction that you like, or think it should be going, it is okay to find another therapist that you click better with.

SESSION 1

This was basically the meet and greet and tell me about your history and why you're here.  I gave my therapist the background of when my ADHD started back in school and when I first noticed I had anxiety, and then I dropped the BPD bombshell on her.  I told her one of the reasons I selected her as my therapist is because she has experience working with people with BPD and their families.  And with that, we were out of time.  She asked me to come back in a month to dive deeper into my history and what was driving my anxiety. 

I am wondering if your therapist asked you why you thought your wife had BPD?  I know when I shared that with my therapist, she quizzed me, and deliberately fed me erroneous information on PD's (to test if I was for real) to see if I could answer all of her questions correctly.  PD's are very serious, and they are at the top of the mental health illness list, and most therapists will not talk about PD's unless they are reasonably certain that you are dealing with a person with a PD.

SESSION 2

So now that the meet and greet is over and I've shared my history, we start to dive into therapy.  She asks me "why I'm here".  Instead of talking about ADHD and just my general anxiety, I talk about my anxiety in the way my wife triggers it.  I share that I really have a tough time with conflict so I always try to keep the peace around the house.  I have found that saying and sharing less keeps the drama down.  This has been the most successful tool for me since I learned what BPD was.  The therapist then suggested that me withholding information, or not be fully open with her about my feelings could be triggering her.  I thought that was interesting, since I've been taking the less is better approach with my communication. 

She gave me homework - Observe myself, how much of this is me right now (causing the unease)?  Is my feeling really in line with my BPD wife's reaction.  Or am I blowing it up?

Homework is good.  It forces yourself to look inward, I too looked inward for the first 3 months (15 sessions) until I was reasonably satisfied that i wasn't the primary issue as my wife had accused me of being the issue.  Especially on all of the issues my wife had projected on to me.  There was a lot of transference too towards me, and before I learned to push back on my wife's narrative in front of the couple's therapist, the couple's therapist had a lot of countertransference on me as well, based on my wife's distortedly false narrative.

It is important to discern who is stating their feelings as facts, and who is the one who is 'blowing' it up. 

SESSION 3

The pendulum swung in my last therapy session, like it has throughout my relationship with my BPD wife.  When I was first with her I thought everything was my fault and I needed to do better... then I realized she likely had BPD and then the pendulum swung all the way to her and I felt less personal blame for the conflict.  My last session made me wonder if the pendulum swung too far?  And I wasn't taking my fair share of the blame. 

I did my homework from the previous session, which was to observe my feelings when my BPD wife responded to me in a rude or disrespectful way.    My therapists hypothesis was the I was overreacting to how my wife would say no to something.  For example, she would rather not go see my parents but her telling me that in a rude way doesn't mean she is super mad at me.  Having this awareness to my feelings did provide a sense of relief.  I was able to brush off her rudeness easier without overreacting.  It also provided me with something that was in my control- something I could work on, since I know she won't work on herself.  That gave me hope. 

Then the conversation turned to what I needed to work on next.  She explained that being a working mother is super hard and that when my wife gets home she probably doesn't have any energy to control her emotions.  And because I fear conflict I am shutting down and not being open about my feelings.  I'm withholding my thoughts and wants.  She said I wasn't communicating and that can make someone with BPD feel very nervous. 

She gave me the following homework - look up short YouTube videos about communication styles in couples and watch it together.  Google something like “How to validate your partner better”. 

So BPD Family members, What do you think about this advice so far?

Your 'pendulum' comment shows you are looking at yourself, and this is good, there are two sides to a conversation / communication - however, if it is PD communication, it is very lopsided communication, so you need to figure out your version of balanced communication.  For me, depending on my wife's current mood swing, will determine which communication method I use, I won't hesitate to go gray rock (do not JADE) when she is irrational with circular arguments, feelings are presented as distorted facts, word salad and I will keep it to BIFF, and/or focus only on validating her feelings and avoid validating her distorted version of her facts.  However, if she is baseline, I will use SET communication, if she is not I drop the T and only use Support and Empathy towards her feelings while ignoring the facts.

The comment about overreacting could be a valid concern, I know I have over-reacted from time to time, if you do, own it, apologize for it, and move forward in a cool, calm, and collected way - showing the T, that you do not have any issues accepting constructive feedback, and will learn from it in order to move forward.

The next comment is the only or where your therapist is making an excuse for your wife not being able to emotionally regulate.  Please ask your therapist to do a role reversal what would happen if you, were not able to control your emotions?  Why is there a double standard?  I would have pushed back on that, as losing it, is not excusable, no matter what the stressor is.

Regarding your communication style, do you only communicate with your partner like this, or do you do it with others too, like colleagues, your boss, etc.?  If it is only with her, point that out, as you are forced to change your communication style just for her.  If it crosses the line to professional communication with others, the issue is likely you, if it is only with her, then the issue is likely with her.  Also, did you have this issue in your previous relationship(s)?  All important aspects to look at with regards to communication.  However, your therapist will be able to observe your communication with her, and might be basing your homework assignment on this.  Ask your therapist, how your communication is with her, and if she indicates you are avoidant with her, then ask her to do some role-playing so you can change your communication style to a more productive one where you would/could accept constructive criticism.

Being mindful, that I am looking at your therapist through your perspective only, other than the one flag that I pointed out, I don't see any issues here.  How do you feel about your therapist?  Do you click?  Do you trust her?  If not, you may want to re-evaluate, especially on a monthly timetable.  If you do, come in with a list of questions for her, in addition to your homework.  Therapy needs to meet your emotional needs, and you can guide in which direction that goes, as the T is supposed to meet you where you are at in your own emotional journey.

Be sure to do self-care between sessions, as I found that to be very important to me.

Take care.

SD

[thankful person]

Hi Mitten

Just wanted to say I’m glad you’re sharing your experiences. My wife has “forbidden” me from going to therapy so any advice I can get, I appreciate it. I know general opinion is that I should go anyway and deal with the fall out, but at the moment I’m choosing not to do that.

One concern I have is what I’ve heard about therapists not always being clued up about handling bpd. It’s good that yours is a dbt expert. But I have wondered whether the advice they give would be as effective as the advice I’ve gained from bpd family.

Regarding your sharing more of your feelings with your wife… hmm… it’s a hard one. It was certainly one of the first things I started doing on my caretaking recovery journey, or back in the day what I understood from folk on here was that I should be behaving more like a “normal” person (not walking on eggshells). For example, if I met someone at work I got on really well with, I would tell my wife. Because that’s what a person in a “normal” relationship would do, right?

I found that many of the changes I made did have the overall effect of my wife becoming calmer and more sane. But honestly, as we’re told, this is a special needs relationship. Even my mother always said of my father when we were growing up “what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him…” (Dad had a traumatic childhood, alcoholic promiscuous parents, suspected bpd mother, anxiety, depression…) Mum wanted to protect Dad from things that would worry him, like his sister always getting the train to a certain station and not buying a train ticket because they didn’t check the train tickets there for example.

There are certain things I don’t think I will ever share with my wife. I recently made a new friend at work who shares the same love of music with me and I didn’t tell my wife. I was even hunting around for an old Guns N’ Roses piano book to show her, and I lied to my wife and said I was looking for something for work. I know this is terrible and needs addressing. I am hoping my wife will start to feel happier soon. Our girls have started dance classes and this is becoming a big part of our lives. My wife rages over getting them ready and out the door and changed, fed, hair done, but hopefully that will settle in time as she gets used to it. Thing is she finally feels a part of something in the local area, she fits in with the other dance mums and has actually made some friends. They sound a bit like pretty crazy people but hey they seem to accept her. I feel like once things are settled with dance routines (literally getting them there to class ) I will be able to share a few more positive thoughts and experiences with my wife because she won’t be so insanely jealous of my getting to have a chat with people at work. It’s been a bumpy road since having kids, but she literally told me she’s had the best week since D4 arrived, due to making these new friends…

Please continue to update us anyway, it is much appreciated!

[waverider]

Valid point about getting defensive to the point of shutting down and avoiding communication. This then triggers the abandonment/ fear of passive aggression and general paranoia of being shut out.

It may keep the peace and avoid situations but it can sterilize a relationship to the point of pointlessness. We see BPD in everything, and we are not wrong, but some of it you can avoid, and some of it you can just accept and work with. Where to draw that line is the tricky point, especially over time when you just get sick of having to put up with it.

[mitten]

Thanks for the comments/thoughts so far.  I took me awhile to digest all the feedback from you.  I guess in therapy I was a little alarmed with how much of the blame the therapist was putting on me - since I'm conflict avoidant and anxious.  She wasn't really validating the fact that I'm in a tough spot with a BPD spouse.  At first I felt some hope in this because I can only change me- and she was pointing out things that were wrong with me.  But after the 3rd session I started to wonder if this was the right approach. 

Suggesting couples counseling seemed counter to what I've learned here and in books as well. And talking about more topics when I thought most people talk less with BPD spouses to not trigger them. 

I have options for other therapist, but just interested in your thoughts on her approach so far?

[kells76]

I guess in therapy I was a little alarmed with how much of the blame the therapist was putting on me - since I'm conflict avoidant and anxious.  She wasn't really validating the fact that I'm in a tough spot with a BPD spouse.  At first I felt some hope in this because I can only change me- and she was pointing out things that were wrong with me.  But after the 3rd session I started to wonder if this was the right approach. 

It's good that you have the insight to recognize that you're coping with anxiety and conflict avoidance. Join the club (*raises hand, too*)

Genuine question: as you reflect back on your sessions with the T, was she blaming you?

Suggesting couples counseling seemed counter to what I've learned here and in books as well. And talking about more topics when I thought most people talk less with BPD spouses to not trigger them. 

Maybe it's more that when there's a BPD spouse, it's important to talk... differently (vs more or less, necessarily). Generally normal approaches to conversation and especially to conflict aren't always effective or connecting.

It could be that your T understands that you are choosing to stay with your W at this time, and that being the case, you two need to find a more neutral-to positive (or at least, non-negative) way to communicate and connect. And your T is only seeing you -- not your W -- so yes, a lot of the focus is going to be on "OK, what if you tried this approach instead of that approach" (vs "Your W should really stop doing A and start doing B" -- yes, she should, but she's not seeing your T).

I actually think you can work with that by taking what the T says at face value and trying, genuinely, to apply it in your relationship, and then reporting back to your T how things went. You've seen this T for 3 sessions; it can take more like months to a year+ for you and your T to build connection and trust, and for your T to get a fuller picture of the dynamics. It may take some "failed" attempts at applying the T's suggestions for your T to really get what's going on in your relationship.

So, I wonder what it'd be like if your T said "mitten, what if you tried sharing more with your W", and instead of you saying "I don't think that'll work", you said "OK, I'll give that a shot this weekend and let you know next week how it went -- do you recommend I do it in ABC way or in XYZ way". And then you genuinely tried the T's recommendation with your W. The worst-case scenario is that there's conflict and it doesn't work... right? So... not worse than usual? And the best-case scenario would be that it's surprisingly effective?

Can you think of a low-key (i.e., NOT "we need to talk about our relationship") topic where you could practice your T's suggestion so that you have a situation to report on back in your next session? Maybe dinner plans -- deciding together what to cook or where to eat? Is that an area where typically you'd just shut down or say "whatever sounds good to you"?

We can game-plan a practice interaction here on the boards, if you want.

My overall thought is that you agreeing with your T that you'll try her suggestion, you trying it, and then you returning to your T and saying "This is how it went... I tried being more open, and then she said blah blah blah... what did I miss, what would you recommend I do in that conversation, I thought I was being open and also validating" will communicate more to your T about the dynamics than you saying "I think my W has BPD so I'm not sure I want to try this new approach".

Does that kind of make sense?

In terms of couples counseling, that might be another good area to do the "what do you recommend" approach with your T: "I agree that I want to have a better relationship with my W. I know couples counseling works for many couples. How would you recommend I broach this topic with my W? What should I do if she doesn't agree or doesn't think she needs help? Are there any signs I should look for that would indicate we wouldn't benefit from CC?"

I have options for other therapist, but just interested in your thoughts on her approach so far?

I say all that knowing that not every T is a good fit. I definitely remember meeting one for the first time, and she talked about herself so much that I knew right away I couldn't work with her.

If you can, though, maybe stick this one out -- at least through a few rounds of "so you recommended I try approach X, and here's the 'he said-she said' of how it went... I'm confused, it seemed like that didn't make things better, did I miss something". Her challenging you on your contributions isn't necessarily a red flag; it's more, at least to me, reflecting the reality that she's an individual therapist working only with you. Maybe she isn't a good fit, but that wouldn't be because she's pushing. I'm also in a position right now where my T is doing some pushing on me because I'm falling back in a comfortable (but unhealthy) conflict-avoidant dynamic with my H. Intellectually I understand I need to make changes and I'm the only one she's working with who can make changes, but emotionally it's really difficult.

Again, none of this is to say that "well, I guess what your W is doing is fine" -- it's not that. It's more working with the specific situation where you're an individual in individual therapy with a T who isn't also seeing your W.

Any thoughts on those thoughts?

[mitten]

Genuine question: as you reflect back on your sessions with the T, was she blaming you?

I mean it felt like she was.  But in her defense, I'm the person that showed up for help in making positive changes.  She can't help my wife, who she has never seen.  I guess I mostly didn't like how it made my wife seem more normal than I think she is, and me more flawed than I realized I am.  BUT, I'd be a lot less anxious/conflict avoidant if my wife didn't cause so much chaos!

[kells76]

I mean it felt like she was.  But in her defense, I'm the person that showed up for help in making positive changes.  She can't help my wife, who she has never seen.  I guess I mostly didn't like how it made my wife seem more normal than I think she is, and me more flawed than I realized I am.  BUT, I'd be a lot less anxious/conflict avoidant if my wife didn't cause so much chaos!

The start of therapy or mediation or counseling can be emotionally difficult, because we are so ready to have someone finally hear us and understand... and if that doesn't happen -- if it's our own counselor who seems to be "not getting it" -- it hurts. You've gone a long time without being really seen in your marriage, so it makes sense that it's painful to feel like that's happening all over again in therapy. I've also had a session with our marriage counselor that left me feeling almost betrayed. It can be excruciating.

I wonder if you would feel up for raising that issue in a session?

"Hey, I've been thinking... even though intellectually I know that you're working with me and not my W -- even though my mind gets that -- I noticed feeling really hurt and kind of blamed after our last session. I felt like I was somehow the flawed one in my marriage, or like it was all on me to just 'get over' avoiding conflict, and even though I don't really know where to go with this, I wanted to try to talk about it. Usually I don't bring up stuff like this so I thought I would try here."

I know you've been wondering about continuing with this T, so it's possible that her response to you raising an "in session" issue could help you decide.

Does that seem try-able, or kind of off base?

[thankful person]

Mitten,

To me it does read like the therapist had taken your wife’s side, almost like she doesn’t like men for personal reasons and blames them for everything. I know none of us are blameless here, both in historically letting the pwbpd control us, along with possibly responding in anger and not always taking the time to understand their warped view of the world. Obviously I have only heard one side of your marriage story too (though I am Team non bpd ). But in all seriousness, we do get to know each other in bpd family and for what it’s worth you come across as a supportive and caring individual wanting the best for your wife and it does sound like the therapist was questioning this. It’s still the being told to share your feelings more that concerns me the most. I’ve been following the veterans on here for some time now and my understanding is we first accept that this is a person and relationship that has very unusual needs and part of that is that depending on their level of instability that moment, it is often not a good idea for you or them or the marriage to fully share your true feelings.

[kells76]

Hi mitten;

thankful person brings up a good point -- there could be a range of things going on with your T. It could range from: she's trying to work with you on yourself, through: she is blind to her own biases and can't separate out her own baggage from how she acts professionally. Either of those, or something in between, could be what's going on. T's don't become T's after passing a test of how well they manage their own lives, how much of their past they've processed, and how successful their own relationships are    One of my long term friends dated a woman diagnosed with BPD who was in training to be... a marriage and family therapist. She even had a copy of "The High-Conflict Couple" on her shelf! But she was still severely BPD in her intimate relationships.

Also, like thankful person also brought up, the therapist may well have been questioning if/how you want the best for your W. Again, it could range from your T questioning if you're actually enabling your W via your approach (pushing you towards healthy change), through your T questioning if you are really "the problem" in the relationship (blinded by biases that lead the T to blame you). It's all on the table.

But whatever is going on, what stands out to me is that this is an opportunity in front of you to practice being less conflict avoidant.

Can you open the door to a potential conflict with your T, by bringing up your thoughts, perceptions, and needs ("I have to be honest -- I'm not comfortable with the suggestion to share more of my feelings with my W, because of ABC")?

Would it be OK with you if your T responded poorly? Could you be OK with yourself and how you felt if that happened?

And, best case scenario, what if you could open the door to a potential conflict with your T, and work through that with her?

In a way, it "doesn't matter" (it does! but bear with me) where your T is coming from. What matters is that there is a potential conflict in front of you, and you have an opportunity to try "doing conflict" differently.

Best case scenario is that your T actually "gets it" and you feel safe working with her after successfully resolving this conflict.

Worst case is also a best case, right? That your T doesn't respond well, you don't feel safe working with her, you two don't resolve the conflict... so you can choose to end the therapeutic relationship and find a different T.

Wondering if that could be an approach?

[Augustine]

If your therapist is advocating more for someone with BPD, rationalizing relationship-damaging behaviours, then you need a new therapist.

Honestly, I cringed at your therapist’s “expertise” as it comes across as pedestrian, verging on callow.

[Skip]

I mean it felt like she was.  But in her defense, I'm the person that showed up for help in making positive changes. She can't help my wife, who she has never seen.  I guess I mostly didn't like how it made my wife seem more normal than I think she is, and me more flawed than I realized I am.

Right. 

"Gottman" is the gold standard in coupled counseling. He spent years studying the poor success rates of couples therapy and set about to rewrite the process.

I worked with a Gottman certified counselor and it was impressive. It included all the tools and concepts we share here. I can't say enough about the experience. If anyone has an opportunity to get into a Gottman program, I highly recommend it.

Three thoughts.

1. In Gottman, the advice given to you is about fixing you, not holding your hand. There is an significant element of discipline and self critiquing. The self-discipline and self critiquing is an added perspective on what we have been doing here.

It's simply not constructive to always make it all about our BPD or BPD-ish partner. We are not observers in these relationships, we are part of the conflict too. Insecure attachment, dependent, depression, etc., etc.

2. In the couples portion of this, the counselor does the same thing with your partner - in front of you (and vise versa). This way you can see the dynamic and where it has broken down.

3. The success rate in therapy, in general, is low. That is a sad reality. Alcoholism - 5-10%. Gottman's studies have shown conventional couples therapy in the 20s%.

But the flip-side, is that for those who do break addictions or salvage relationships, therapy is often the foundation.

Part of the failure is because a lot of couple therapy in in the nth stage of the relationship. Another part is that one or more participants has an agenda other than learning and apply the tools. Another is acumen.

She gave me the following homework - look up short YouTube videos about communication styles in couples and watch it together.  Google something like “How to validate your partner better”.  

This would be akin to reading "High Conflict" couple together. That is prescribed for BPD couples (although BPD is not mentioned in the book to make it more palatable). You may want to ask if the T is familiar with the book and/or take her some information in about it. We have some validation information here that is brief: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

My advice is to remember that you are an active participant in this process. Its important to share your thoughts on things. Will your partner be able to engage this? Is now a good time? Give her that feedback.

One thing you have going for you is that if your partner sees this as helping fix the relationship and you (not focused on her brokenness), she might be less inclined to pull back.

Ultimately, you have to drive the process, and that includes selecting the resources.

It's a great idea to journal your therapy here.