Ex has left for the 22nd time now, still sharing locations

[Depression = 72% of members]

Why is she still sharing location?

My ex who I strongly believe has BPD undiagnosed has chosen to end the relationship yet again for the 22nd time now in 7 months, Usually every 2 weeks roughly or whenever there is stress/arguments between us.  She says she’s done and this time seems more real than ever before however she still has me on all social media still shares locations with me and still posts multiple times a day quotes evidently about our situation/aimed or directed at me. I asked why she still shares the location she says to relax my mind. (This is actually the reason I’ve kept mine on for her) Please some advice. Thank you.

[AP2000]

Why is she still sharing location?

My ex who I strongly believe has BPD undiagnosed has chosen to end the relationship yet again for the 22nd time now in 7 months, Usually every 2 weeks roughly or whenever there is stress/arguments between us.  She says she’s done and this time seems more real than ever before however she still has me on all social media still shares locations with me and still posts multiple times a day quotes evidently about our situation/aimed or directed at me. I asked why she still shares the location she says to relax my mind. (This is actually the reason I’ve kept mine on for her) Please some advice. Thank you.

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[SaltyDawg]

Why is she still sharing location?

My ex who I strongly believe has BPD undiagnosed has chosen to end the relationship yet again for the 22nd time now in 7 months, Usually every 2 weeks roughly or whenever there is stress/arguments between us.  She says she’s done and this time seems more real than ever before however she still has me on all social media still shares locations with me and still posts multiple times a day quotes evidently about our situation/aimed or directed at me. I asked why she still shares the location she says to relax my mind. (This is actually the reason I’ve kept mine on for her) Please some advice. Thank you.

AP2000,



Borderlines often do projection / transference of their own emotions on the one who they care for the most, apparently that is you (even if you are broken up, you are still her Favorite Person) as she is making multiple posts per day directed towards you.  So, when she says to relax your mind towards her, she actually means she wants to relax her own mind.  Since you are on the 'bettering' board, I assume you want to get back together with her again, and if that is the case, keep your location on for her, otherwise it will likely send her into a tailspin if you turn it off.

Borderlines want to so much be in control (as they are in reality so much out of control), and a way that they can exert control is through coercion in the most extreme ways, such as breaking up each time something doesn't go their way.  However, by complying with their demands/wants when they do this, this only reinforces their bad behavior, much like giving into a toddler when they throw a tantrum and want a lollipop, and you give them the lollipop in response to their tantrum, they will throw another , and sometimes bigger, tantrum when they want another lollipop.

So, since you have been recycled 22 times in 7 months, a 23rd time is likely, it is a matter of time that she will do it again.

In order to prevent going through these repeated cycles of terror towards you (the breakups), you need to come up with a firm boundary, that works for you, that you can consistently enforce with her 100% of the time.  She wants you to fight for the relationship. 

As long as you know she is not seeing anyone else (when you are broken up or not), you might want to consider and call her bluff, and tell her that she can leave any time she wants.  Be mindful, that this can backfire, and she can leave for good, especially if she has a replacement for you lined up.   Since she has already left, so the worst that will happen is she will block you on everything, and go "No Contact"; however, she will likely perceive that she is really going to lose you, and you know she is into you by all of these posts, and recycles, she will be forced to change her behavior to pull you back in.  If this is too frightening to do, wait until she reconnects.

When you are back in her good graces, and her emotions are regulated, have a conversation about her dumping you every two weeks is not acceptable.  Tell her how you feel about it, and will no longer accept it, and express the consequence of turning off you location sharing with her if she does it again - that could be a good boundary to start with - what do you think?  Do you have any other  ideas that you can do, to make her uncomfortable when she does this again?

When she is not regulated in her emotions, keep it brief, using "I" statements, avoiding the word "you" (as that will imply blame on her whether or not it is warranted), and only validate how she is feelings using exaggerated terms.  For example, if she says she is upset with you, tell her "I am sorry you feel that I have really made you mad at me, that must be very frightening and terrifying" - as she is likely feeling that way, this way she feels heard by you.  I find my pwBPD will reset after a sleep cycle or two, and will re regulate her emotions.

I had about 50 of these cycles over the span of a dozen years, it wasn't until I called her bluff on the last two - she has since stopped those behaviors.  Be aware, she could escalate the behavior, and to fake suicide attempts (gestures of suicide) in order to control you - if this happens, call 911 (this is your boundary that you can enforce this behavior will not be tolerated) and let her deal with the authorities, she will be pissed at you, but she won't do it again.  A calculated threat of suicide can escalate to an actual emergency in seconds if you are not behaving the way she expects you to in her distorted mind.  My BPD wife has done both the suicide gestures/attempts and the threats of divorce / separation.

I  am sure that this is very stressful to you.  While you are waiting, and when you get back together again, please be sure to do self-care, whatever that might look like for you, as you need to keep your emotional energy up to deal with this.

Take care.

SD

[AP2000]

Hello, thank you for your response. I thought I’d give a more in depth look at how our relationship was…

My ex and I got together in June of 2023 she is currently 19 and I am currently 23. We spent the entirety of 2023 stuck in some toxic cycle where any argument or disagreement or if a lot of stress was between us she would choose to end things and this would last roughly 2 weeks before she would reach out and say sorry followed by false promises to never do it again, and to change etc. granted I am also to blame as I become incredibly toxic and one issue I’ve noticed with me is I’ve become incredibly codependent with my ex. Fast forward to December 2023 and she broke up again this was the 21st time since June (I know. ridiculous) it was new years morning 2am and drunk messages and no caller Ids come through from her saying new year new us and as usual more empty promises. We sat and spoke for days about everything at the start of the new year and she seemed more serious than ever before that the cycle would stop. I had doubts but I said to her you’ve got one chance this year if you do it again it’s fully done I’m not going into a new year entertaining this cycle. It’s my fault for keep taking her back but I just kept hoping she’d change clearly I’ve taught her that it’s okay to come and go as you please. Anyway. 18 days into January, we had spent a few days prior to this arguing a lot everyday and instead of bailing she stuck and spoke everything out with me as normal adults do but the stress was still there. She left again claiming the usual “it’s over I’m not coming back again” “you’re psychotic” “you’re toxic” etc the usual things she says. Tonight she collected her things from our home and moved out. I know she will reach out again and yes I want to work things through with her as I know she’s my one and only soulmate however how can I break this cycle once and for all?

The first couple of times she ever broke up she would phone up within a few days sounding very regretful almost panicking even turned up at our shared place of work at 5 am in a taxi “to talk” however there is one thing I would like to point out and that is since taking her back those times since then. The only times she’s ever reached out to try to fix things or reconcile has been when she is drunk. She’s sent a couple breadcrumbs but I am good at no contact and can stick to it but yes she only ever wants to sort stuff with me when she’s drunk. I hate it, makes me feel like PLEASE READ. But other than that she has a routine if you will with this cycle it’s exactly the same every time. We say our goodbyes take cares etc… then silence for maximum 2 weeks however she keeps location shared and reposts/shares quotes and videos on social media every single day 10-20 times a day about relationships about not getting treated right about the man changing. These posts switch within the first week are bitter almost like digs at me however going into the second week of no contact they are more about missing someone not getting over someone about love and things related to us that only we understand from within the relationship. Then she will go clubbing with friends and boom no caller ids drunk texts followed by a lot of “regret” and promises to not do this or that again to never leave again and to communicate rather than ghosting/avoiding… it’s the exact same pattern everytime I can almost predict each day at this point.

HOWEVER this time I got dismissed from my job on the 26th January 7 days after the breakup and she works at the same job. We had to see each other and I thought this was one of the reasons the cycle kept happening. Since leaving the job her posts and reposts have barely been positive just ones stating “I did care, not anymore” but other posts are saying stuff” like staying loyal to my ex”it does seem different this time but maybe that’s because I don’t have the routine of working at the same company anymore however she did say due to me not working there it will be easier to get over each other of course this isn’t what I want. She doesn’t seem bothered this time at all…… she says all these things yet still shares her locations and breadcrumbed me twice yesterday liking videos I shared  on social media relating to a show we both enjoy watching together.

What is happening is another cycle on the horizon?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading.

[AP2000]

I also forgot to mention during these cycles she has never once added or followed never texted one other male I believe she is incredibly loyal well I know she is as I can see it’s not healthy but we have each others accounts…

[SaltyDawg]

[...] We spent the entirety of 2023 stuck in some toxic cycle where any argument or disagreement or if a lot of stress was between us she would choose to end things and this would last roughly 2 weeks before she would reach out and say sorry followed by false promises to never do it again, and to change etc. granted I am also to blame as I become incredibly toxic and one issue I’ve noticed with me is I’ve become incredibly codependent with my ex. Fast forward to December 2023 and she broke up again this was the 21st time since June (I know. ridiculous) it was new years morning 2am and drunk messages and no caller Ids come through from her saying new year new us and as usual more empty promises. We sat and spoke for days about everything at the start of the new year and she seemed more serious than ever before that the cycle would stop. I had doubts but I said to her you’ve got one chance this year if you do it again it’s fully done I’m not going into a new year entertaining this cycle. It’s my fault for keep taking her back but I just kept hoping she’d change clearly I’ve taught her that it’s okay to come and go as you please. Anyway. 18 days into January, we had spent a few days prior to this arguing a lot everyday and instead of bailing she stuck and spoke everything out with me as normal adults do but the stress was still there. She left again claiming the usual “it’s over I’m not coming back again” “you’re psychotic” “you’re toxic” etc the usual things she says. Tonight she collected her things from our home and moved out. I know she will reach out again and yes I want to work things through with her as I know she’s my one and only soulmate however how can I break this cycle once and for all?

AP2000,

There is a lot to unpack here...  You have indicated that you have become codependent, I am thinking more of a caretaker (if these codependent characteristics and patterns are only present when you are with her).  It is good to be self-aware of this.  If you are interested I can point you to CODA.org as they have plenty of resources on being codependent.  I am too am a codependent, as are 90+% of the population according to Google.  I would suggest reading the following book on caretaking a BPD "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad.  A summary (quick reference guide) can be found at https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/

Collecting her things and moving out - is an escalation, she is upping the ante, perhaps in response to your New Year's resolution [ultimatum].  How to break the cycle?  Unless they are the one to break it, it won't likely be broken.  The only way you can break the cycle is to follow through on your New Years ultimatum, which is the ultimate boundary in a relationship.  If you are not willing or capable of following through on it, don't make this threat, again.  She may actually believe you, and thinks it is over as she has moved her stuff out of your home.  If you want her back, you have to do damage control (an apology) which will weaken your position with her.

The only times she’s ever reached out to try to fix things or reconcile has been when she is drunk. [...]then silence for maximum 2 weeks however she keeps location shared and reposts/shares quotes and videos on social media every single day 10-20 times a day about relationships about not getting treated right about the man changing. These posts switch within the first week are bitter almost like digs at me however going into the second week of no contact they are more about missing someone not getting over someone about love and things related to us that only we understand from within the relationship. Then she will go clubbing with friends and boom no caller ids drunk texts followed by a lot of “regret” and promises to not do this or that again to never leave again and to communicate rather than ghosting/avoiding… it’s the exact same pattern everytime I can almost predict each day at this point.

You recognize the pattern, it is like reliving a nightmare every two weeks, like clockwork.  It's kind of like the movie 'groundhog day' or one of the many spin-offs of it.  What can you do, to change this pattern, where she will contact you when she is drunk, in order to reconnect?  Have you asked her about the promises of not doing it again (when she is regulated) and what she intends on doing different, does she genuinely understand the damage she is doing or is just saying this to stay together?  I don't know if you realize this, but she is abusing you with the break-ups, name calling, broken promises, etc.  Are you willing to live a life full of this kind of behavior with no end in sight?

HOWEVER this time I got dismissed from my job on the 26th January 7 days after the breakup and she works at the same job. We had to see each other and I thought this was one of the reasons the cycle kept happening. Since leaving the job her posts and reposts have barely been positive just ones stating “I did care, not anymore” but other posts are saying stuff” like staying loyal to my ex”it does seem different this time but maybe that’s because I don’t have the routine of working at the same company anymore however she did say due to me not working there it will be easier to get over each other of course this isn’t what I want.

That is a big life change.  Only if you are comfortable sharing, I am curious if you were let go from your job because of your interaction(s) with your ex?  Did you work closely together, where you guys at the same level, or was it more supervisor/subordinate, or were you guys not working in the same vicinity but in different areas of the same company?  I'm asking, as I would like to better understand the dynamic here.

She doesn’t seem bothered this time at all…… she says all these things yet still shares her locations and breadcrumbed me twice yesterday liking videos I shared  on social media relating to a show we both enjoy watching together.

Am I understanding you correctly, she has reduced the bread-crumbing from 10-20 times per day to now only twice per day?

What is happening is another cycle on the horizon?

Only you know your situation the best - do you see signs of another recycle coming?  Or, has the following changed (too much):  1.  Loss of your job resulting in you being around her less; 2.  Her moving out; 3. Her reduction of breadcrumbing?  Are 2 & 3 the result of your New Years ultimatum?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading.

From what you have described, your ex is in the position of power - she gets to choose if she reconnects with you, or not.  You tried the ultimate ultimatum, and the results do not look too promising for you - I feel that she is calling your bluff on the relationship ultimatum right now.  If she elects to reconnect with you, it is clear from what you described, that she thinks you are the problem, not her with the posts about 'the man changing'- so it is very unlikely she is not going to change, nor does she see a need for her to change in spite of indicating otherwise (If she believed it, you would have seen change by the first few cycles, not 23 cycles later).

My advice, I think you might want to find an individual therapist for yourself, to figure some of this stuff out, and move forward from there.  Please understand her past behaviors are very likely indicative of her future ones, especially if she is not willing to change.  You have obviously said you do not want this cycle to continue, and threatened her as much.  If you get back, are you willing to tolerate these cycles again?  Please think long and hard, do a lot of soul searching on this. 

I will wrap up this post by posing a hypothetical question to you - what would you advise your best guy friend if he were in a situation like you are/were?

Take care with self-care.

SD