What are the right words to say?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm just getting started with trying to break the pattern I have with my uBPD husband of trying to explain myself, defend myself, etc.  It's a terrible cycle, the "arguments" are insane and go far off course.  It clearly doesn't work.

So, my question is this.  In this specific instance, my husband and I are in an unfamiliar place and are trying to make a decision about how to get from point A to point B. 

We talk back and forth a little bit and he finally says, "lets just go this way".  (Background that would help is that "this way" is through the parking lot of a car rental place.  From where we are standing it is not possible to tell if the car rental place has a fence around it.  My immediate thought inside my head is that it would be foolish to walk all the way across and realize we can't get out because it is fenced.)  Before taking our first steps, I say, "is there a fence around it?"  At which point my husband gets very angry and proceeds to bash me verbally for 2 days about how I never have faith in him, how I'm his wife and I should just basically do what he says, that I have destroyed his faith in himself by questioning his every decision, those kinds of things.

What could I have said?  Could I have used SET?  And how?  It's hard to remember all the acronyms at first.

Thanks!

[BumbleBee83]

I'm just getting started with trying to break the pattern I have with my uBPD husband of trying to explain myself, defend myself, etc.  It's a terrible cycle, the "arguments" are insane and go far off course.  It clearly doesn't work.

So, my question is this.  In this specific instance, my husband and I are in an unfamiliar place and are trying to make a decision about how to get from point A to point B. 

We talk back and forth a little bit and he finally says, "lets just go this way".  (Background that would help is that "this way" is through the parking lot of a car rental place.  From where we are standing it is not possible to tell if the car rental place has a fence around it.  My immediate thought inside my head is that it would be foolish to walk all the way across and realize we can't get out because it is fenced.)  Before taking our first steps, I say, "is there a fence around it?"  At which point my husband gets very angry and proceeds to bash me verbally for 2 days about how I never have faith in him, how I'm his wife and I should just basically do what he says, that I have destroyed his faith in himself by questioning his every decision, those kinds of things.

What could I have said?  Could I have used SET?  And how?  It's hard to remember all the acronyms at first.

Thanks!

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[pearlsw]

Hi Bumblebee83,

What a coincidence, I was just plunking myself down here to reread the entire lesson on SET

I'd be happy to study and practice this with you! I hope others will come by and correct, add their thoughts as time goes on!

But first, I have to say that being bashed verbally for 2 days sounds horrible! This happened one afternoon, and then for 2 days after he was throwing a lot of anger and criticism at you? Is that roughly correct?

take care, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hi again, 

Okay, so first, before you even get to SET they advise this: commit to being calm. So, this is about mentally preparing yourself to maintain self-control at difficult times.

They say it is important to become aware of your own triggers and then decide that losing control is not getting you towards your relationship goals.

So, in the situation you describe, were you triggered? Did you get upset? Lose control of your own emotions or words?

~pearl.

p.s. I had a situation the other day where I was getting a lot of questions and insults thrown at me. I became angry. I tried to walk away and set a timer that both of us could hear to come back and have a conversation. I just wanted us to both stop and cool down before things got worse. (My situation did not work out well by the way, but I want to use it to help me rethink this as well.)

[BumbleBee83]

Hi pearl,
Thank you for empathizing and for the support. Yes. This happened one afternoon.  Immediately I tried to say that I was simply asking a question so that we wouldn’t walk all the way through the parking lot only to discover we couldn’t get out. That in my experience, people (couples, friends, whomever) ... .have simple communications like this.

He did not see it that way. He saw it as me not believing in him. That I needed to just accept his authority as the husband. Which, by the way, is not a common theme with him. He is not usually demanding that I submit to his every whim because he is the husband. It’s only happened a few times, but when it does, it’s shocking. Once, I got a few inches cut off my hair. In the middle of the night I woke to him pacing and ranting about what kind of wife gets her hair cut without asking first?

Anyway, his intense and irrational outbursts and rants usualkybout me off balance. I’m this particular case, I tried to explain myself, and when it did nothing, I became quiet, let him blow off steam, and allowed him to come out of it. He was angry for 2 days and sniped at me about everything. But that is what set him off.  I feel like a battered woman when it happens. Not physically battered, but verbally and emotionally. It’s not me!  I’m not a stupid person. I’m not a door mat. I know how to advocate for myself under normal circumstances. But this is anything but normal.

[pearlsw]

It’s not me!  I’m not a stupid person. I’m not a door mat. I know how to advocate for myself under normal circumstances. But this is anything but normal.

Hi BumbleBee83,

Oh, I hear ya! I'm a proud, life-long feminist (all the way back to childhood!) and I can't believe I got myself into this!

I was a shy kid, but learned to advocate for myself in any situation life threw at me. Until this. This has turned my world upside down and stood reality on its head. It is confusing, and mind warping. I have a lot more respect and understanding for abuse victims than I started out with, and I already had A LOT!

I find I just keep trying to get up and live life as if it is normal, only to have it all suddenly unravel. It has been truly devastating. But I will survive.

Oh yes, I remember simple communication when slightly misspeaking didn't lead to the end of the world.

Well, we'll keep working on it! I took a giant nap after my last reply to you thinking I'd be right back! I need to read more, but I'll be back.

For now, can I ask, are you able to stay fairly calm? Do you get agitated, angry, or defensive? It's hard not to, but maybe we could recommit to remaining as calm as possible. I know I am on edge (because life is so unstable) and HAVE to slow down my reaction times!

warmly, pearl.

[isilme]

"Let's go this way."

"Ok.  That will have us going in the right direction, but I'm not sure if there might be a fence, do you think we can get around?  I know we'd both hate to get over there and have to backtrack.  What do you think of this sidewalk over here?" 

or

"Sure, starting that way is as good as any.  I hope we don't find a fence blocking us, that would be aggravating."

What you mean to say versus what he hears is the challenge.  In fact, he took your innocent question to BE a challenge.  This is hard, as sometimes I am sure you can have perfectly normal conversations, ask questions, and it's no big issue.  Then, suddenly he feels invalidated and you're on the de-fense. (bad pun intended).

Step back if you can.  He was likely stressed, wanted to be right and not look stupid.  Being questioned to him meant you felt he was stupid or wrong.  A question is often not just a request for data to a pwBPD.  It's a test.  It's you seeing if they answer right so you can laugh and judge and feel superior (I swear H thinks this is how I feel at times)  It's a trap.  Animals in traps lash out, even if you are helping them.  H gets mad when he even thinks in his own head, based on nothing I am doing, that I am "panicking" or "worried" about how to do something.  The thing is, HE is often panicking and worried and does not deal well with any idea I might actually have such feelings myself.  I can't comfort him and solve problems if I am in a bad place, too.  And if I ask questions he can't answer, the emperor has no clothes and he can't handle that.  And sometimes, even my being calm can agitate him, because he is upset, I should be upset, too.  I must be judging him! 

Sometimes I will just go along with H if it does me little to no harm, so I am not invalidating.  In your case, I'd have likely walked over with him, keeping an eye out for a better route along the way, or waited until I KNEW there was a fence before asking about it.  Being quiet when he's stressed helps more than me asking questions, poming a simmering tiger.  He operates on feelings, I am forced to operate on facts, and mostly I have to gather the facts myself.  He can't/won't do it.