What did your friends think?

[mango_flower]

None of my friends said anything at the time when I was with my ex.

Since we've split, my best friend admitted that she always felt that something was a bit "off" with her.  Nothing awful or sinister, but that her stories didn't always add up.  That she was a nice girl, but somehow always made herself look very suspicious.

Another friend told me her boyfriend straight away said "Hmmm I'm not sure of her, I don't trust her, there is just something about her... .  ".

A lot of the girls in my sports team got on very well with her, and were genuinely kind to her (as she came across as the victim!) as they are just really lovely people... .  

But a few have since said that they too felt she was a little bit mental, and that she was a drama queen... .  and the two of them who work in mental health have since asked me "does she have a personality disorder of some sort?" (this is after I described some of her behaviours, but never once mentioned BPD to them!)

It makes me feel kind of... .  embarrassed I guess.

And freaked out that I didn't notice it myself!  I've always prided myself on being a good judge of character... .  

Anyone else?  Did your ex manage to pull the wool over your friends' eyes?  Or were they not sure?

[mtmc01]

I always felt weird bringing her around my family, save for maybe my sister. There was always something "off" about her to my brother, and he knows me pretty well. He of course never said this to me, but he had to my sister. And my family are the most laid back, down to earth, and kind people in the world. The POLAR OPPOSITE of her nutjob family. They did nothing but welcome her, but the first time we flew out to visit for a few weeks, she was pissed off at my mom for trying to cater to her lactose-free/gluten-free diet. She was mad at my mom for doing something NICE for her that her own mother would never do. To her it was meddling and rude. So that was another red flag.

Trying to bring her around friends was generally pretty weird, at least once her drinking problem became apparent. Before, she'd just get tipsy/drunk. She was always very awkward around people and felt as if everyone had something against her. She'd completely shut out friends who "wronged" her or "didn't try hard enough to have a relationship with her". Again, should have been a major red flag... .  but we are the knights in shining armor, right? 

[fakename]

after the break-up, i had to force a couple friends to tell me what they actually thought of her,

they said she seemed very controlling, had to come across as an expert in whatever conversation, and i forgot what else... .  

my mom told me after the breakup that she seemed needy and had emotional issues... .  

while i wasn't opposed to it, i was always hesitant to introduce her to other family members, as i just didn't know how that would go and knew she has a very strong personality... i'm glad i never had to introduce her to others...

[mango_flower]

Oh - and she always tried to one-up my friends too - if they ever said anything about... .  let's say... .  they had a chest infection last week, she'd tell them about the time she was in hospital for 5 days and nearly died of pneumonia... .   

And she used to tell all my friends (who she hardly knew at that time) about her last relationship, which was abusive.  It was like she had no boundaries... .  I would sit there and cringe, but loved her so much I just kind of let her get on with it and thought "Oh bless her".

[mtmc01]

Oh - and she always tried to one-up my friends too - if they ever said anything about... .  let's say... .  they had a chest infection last week, she'd tell them about the time she was in hospital for 5 days and nearly died of pneumonia... .   

And she used to tell all my friends (who she hardly knew at that time) about her last relationship, which was abusive.  It was like she had no boundaries... .  I would sit there and cringe, but loved her so much I just kind of let her get on with it and thought "Oh bless her".

I can 100% relate to the lack of boundaries. In part of my codependency, I started monitoring her Facebook/emails/texts after finding some really inappropriate conversations with guys she barely knew. I hate that I was doing that, but EVERY TIME I'd look I would find something. Conversations about sex and threesomes, complaining about me or an argument, denial about alcoholism, flirting and sending guys her poetry, telling her mother really inappropriate things about us, etc. It makes me wonder about the things I DIDN'T see. The difference was she would never say these things in front of me and always had an excuse. And in the end I was just a controlling abusive monster.

[willy45]

One of my friends thought she was really hot and cool.

Another friend when I asked him what he thought said: "Go to Pluto and turn a hard left".

Another friend said: "She really great. It just sucks when the crazy comes out".

Now, all my friends know her as 'that crazy chick'. To be fair, they are all hearing my side of the story. But, the consensus is that she is nuts and I shouldn't deal with her ever again. They think she is poison. I concur.

[Blessed0329]

My daughter couldn't stand him, says he was way too needy and demanding. One of my friends, who was also a coworker of ours, told me after he left our employ that she didn't like him, even though he was impressive with his displays of devotion towards me, and the sweet, thoughtful things he did for me in front of others. She still thought he was a self centered jerk. She was right.

[wishingwell17]

from the very beginning I did not have to ask.

There was never a positive remark, only neutral or negative. I ignored it and thought they just need to get to know him better.

They would say things like "there is something not right, you sparkle and he is just "there". These were people who have known me 20-30 years. To be honest he never met any of my friends more than one time each in five years - he never had the time. The only time he met my family was at my Mother's memorial. He did not engage with anyone there at all. A few family members and friends made remarks.  He never said a word to anyone, there were 300 people attending. If i introduced him, he just said "hello" and then retreated.

It bothered me very much he invested so very, very little in my life/world. 

today one of my friends very directly said to me "His behaviors give me the creeps, he is not stable. You must promise me to be strong and not go back to him."

I promised. And the road to healing begins... .  

[MovingOn311]

One of my best friends during the relationship picked up on it right away.  He would always tell me how fake she is with people and say that no one is that nice. 

With my ex, what I found that drew me in to her was the way she treated people when I first met her.  She was so outgoing, helpful and just treated people which much empathy and kindness that it literally blew me away.   Not only did I like that part of her, a lot of other people who first met her would say the same thing. So outgoing, friendly and such a kind hearted person.  Little did I know after spending a few years with her looking back, it was just an act.  The acts of kindness she did always resulted in her needing gratification, it was never genuine in the least bit.  It was never out of the kindness of her heart.  During the breakup when she was doing the blame game, she would constantly bring up things she did for me in the past and acted as if she was playing the part of a queen and deserved recognition and respect for her actions.  To me, these were normal things that husbands and wifes do for each other, but to her, she felt she needed to be recognized.  So pathetic.  Bottom line with my ex, she loved me conditionally. 

Anyways, after the breakup, all my friends told me how crazy she acted.  I tried to introduce her to a couple of my female friends, but both times, the connection didn't happen.  With one, it resulted in a huge blowout and the other was in the psych field and picked up on her BPD right away, but didn't mention it to me until after we broke up.  My mother always said to me that there was always something "off" about her when i was with her and could never put a finger on it, but after talking to her about BPD, she realized what that "off" was. 

Anyways, so to answer the question about the friends, yes, majority, if not all of the friends on my side said she had issues.  I didn't pick up on it at the time when they told me cause I would always tell them that they don't know her like I do.  Denial can be an ugly thing. 

[expos]

Parents did not like her a year after our marriage.  My dad admitted to me recently that he told his brother that our relationship would not last just prior to us getting married.  I wish he would have told me that... .  I'm sort of angry about this... .  but I love my dad.

Brother thought she was hot, but totally fake, hates her now.

My friends loved her, they got the good side of her at all times.

Her Co-workers (all of them women) would go out to lunch without her.  Not a good sign. 

 

[expos]

One of my best friends during the relationship picked up on it right away.  He would always tell me how fake she is with people and say that no one is that nice. 

With my ex, what I found that drew me in to her was the way she treated people when I first met her.  She was so outgoing, helpful and just treated people which much empathy and kindness that it literally blew me away.   Not only did I like that part of her, a lot of other people who first met her would say the same thing. So outgoing, friendly and such a kind hearted person.  Little did I know after spending a few years with her looking back, it was just an act.  The acts of kindness she did always resulted in her needing gratification, it was never genuine in the least bit.  It was never out of the kindness of her heart.  During the breakup when she was doing the blame game, she would constantly bring up things she did for me in the past and acted as if she was playing the part of a queen and deserved recognition and respect for her actions.  To me, these were normal things that husbands and wifes do for each other, but to her, she felt she needed to be recognized.  So pathetic.  Bottom line with my ex, she loved me conditionally. 

Oh my god.  This was my ex-wife!  Seriously.

[confusedandscared]

This is an interesting thread.

Only after the multiple breakups did anyone say anything to me about what they thought of her. If only she knew what people truly thought.

My sister hated her, she only met her once and told me recently that she got questioned about my and her relationship. I have a great relationship with my sister and it is almost as if my ex was jealous of her. All of my friends and a lot of mutual friends don't like her one bit, they think she is crazy. In fact she tried to set one of our friends up with her sister and another friend warned him stay away from that crazy family. The list goes on and on now that I know what a lot of people think of her, even my ex's sister is scared of her, she told me that one night.

[GreenMango]

Well my family and friends rarely saw what was going on.  I didn't share a whole lot.  I was good at hiding mental illness, strange erratic behavior, or normalizing the majority of the day to day hiccups because I have a parent with bipolar disorder. 

I have one friend that when we all were together noticed some strange things and later mentioned her suspicions when we were having a heart to heart about 4 years into it.  She's a therapist.  The strange thing is most of his friends, not mine saw things, and tried contacting me during the "bad" times to talk.  I wish I would have listened to the warnings from others.  But, see how stubborn I was, and hell bent on fixing it or it not being soo bad.  It's amazing what kind of lies, rationalizations or denial we can do to ourselves even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

Mostly, due to the social phobias and anxiety there wasn't a lot of interaction with friends - this was avoided - when it did happen there was a problem or inappropriate incident.  With family - this was always a problem.  The rotating cycle of conflict between differing members of the family rotated from one person to the next like numbers on a clock.  This was a major source of disappointment and confusion for me.  It took me a long time to see this pattern, figure out what was going on, and how to handle some of the karpmen triangle/conflict dynamics.

For my family to make judgment calls and negative-assumptions is very rare - it takes quite a bit of pushing for this to happen and several huge boundary violations.

Huge lesson in this whole thing.  Huge.

[crashintome]

It's to the point with my friends that I no longer tell them when we are speaking again.

This last time, when I flew out to see her, I didn't tell anyone.  I knew they wouldn't support it.  I am currently staying with a friend since I moved cross country and haven't bought a house yet.  I'm not sure she would let me stay.

Finding out I was gay was a blow to them.  After the first couple breaks with my ex, they started to see the problems that I was blissfully unaware of.  At the end, my friend (the one I'm staying with) wanted me OUT of her life.  That's probably half the reason for my move.

I'm alone now.  I can't tell anyone how I'm feeling or what I'm going through because they don't know about this last recycle.  I'm on my own with this one.  If I do end up taking her back if/when she comes back, I have zero support.

[GreenMango]

I'm on my own with this one.  If I do end up taking her back if/when she comes back, I have zero support.

I have to admit here, the realization that if I took this person back or let them in my life would mean that I would be isolated with only them.  This was a huge fear and I couldn't do that to myself.  I started running real life scenarios of what that could possibly look like and really freaked myself out. 

It just wasn't a great choice to do that to myself.

[just_think]

I kept her away from my friends and family in the short term because I thought (ok, on some level I knew and ignored) that something was wrong.  I have a 2-3 month waiting period for that sort of thing. 

[Distraught-m-in-mn]

Friends?  What is this thig that you speak of?

A bit of jest, but a measure of seriousness as well. After we were married for about 3 months, the BPD began to show its self.  After that,as a couple we became more reclusive, and I personally became codependent. 

It's taken 4 years to figure out that I actually do still exist, and I'm starting to reclaim

Lost friends.  It feels really good. One of my dearest friends said "you used to be so happy, a d joyful to be around... .  I'm glad to see that side of you again"

So that felt really reaffirming!

[expos]

A bit of jest, but a measure of seriousness as well. After we were married for about 3 months, the BPD began to show its self.  After that,as a couple we became more reclusive, and I personally became codependent.

A couple questions for you.

1) Were you two having sex well into the second year of your marriage?  Or did it stop soon after the honeymoon.

2) Whenever you did go out as a couple and met up with people, did your exBPD complain about everyone you met that night on the ride home, how terrible the food was, etc.?

We were extremely reclusive as well.  I'd ask to do random, sometimes exciting things on the weekend and she was never enthusiastic about any of it.   

[Hope 4 a better day]

It seems interesting that we all had different experiences with our former BPD's  In my case I am somewhat of a quite and passive guy and when I shared things with her she would twist things around and distort what I said and use it against me with friends and sometimes even family she was so sweet and convincing and it was all an act. She did this with one of my best friends new wife who did not know either of us and it stirred up so many problems that it destroyed a 15 year friendship. Not to blame her totally I was to weak and to nice a guy thinking my long term buddy would back me up wrong his wife got in the middle of everything and the problem got worse.  I then tried to work things out with them and finally I had to eventually terminate that friendship as I wanted to put all the toxic hateful behavior behind me. Now they are all friends oh well! They will see!

   On the surface her family seems so nice just like she did when I met her she bad raped her family constantly. Yet they all seemed so close. When we had problems with her raging she had everyone convinced it was my fault so many lies about me I was such a fool. I finally asked her to leave as she would not get professional help with her raging and her constant hateful put downs. Only then did I start learning about the depth of her emotional problems BPD and later it was verified by her son and somewhat by her her brother as a repeating problem. WOW what a wake up call that was for the most part the entire family enabling her. I guess they wanted to stay away from her raging as well. It has been 11 months most of it n/c and I am so re leaved she is gone. even with the leftover damage she has caused

   I have learned so much about myself and my weaknesses. The Mr nice guy I was in the past is gone and I will not in the future go into a relationship trying to earn Love,Trust,Respect and or friendship as those things are my God given rights.

[Distraught-m-in-mn]

A bit of jest, but a measure of seriousness as well. After we were married for about 3 months, the BPD began to show its self.  After that,as a couple we became more reclusive, and I personally became codependent.

A couple questions for you.

1) Were you two having sex well into the second year of your marriage?  Or did it stop soon after the honeymoon.

2) Whenever you did go out as a couple and met up with people, did your exBPD complain about everyone you met that night on the ride home, how terrible the food was, etc.?

We were extremely reclusive as well.  I'd ask to do random, sometimes exciting things on the weekend and she was never enthusiastic about any of it.   

1. We had sex about 3 times a week on average when we were dating.  Once we got married, it immediately went to once a week on average. By year 3 we were down to once a month.

I really feel like I got my "eyes poked". I feel like sex was the lure, and now that I took it, it has turned into a passive agressive weapon.

2.  It was rare for us to go out with other friends.  We didn't have hardly any.  Now her family on the other hand.  Yes. But it never ended with car ride home.  It persisted for weeks. 

And ironically. 90% of the time, the gripe didn't have any effect on her or us.


What is your experience ?

[expos]

Had sex like crazy when we first met, twice a day sometimes, almost every day.  I remember one summer being almost sore from the amount we were having. 

I propose, ex-wife says she wants to honor the "no sex before marriage rule" because of her beliefs... ... .  so no sex for 5 months.  We get married, sex on the honeymoon... .  then three whole months without sex.  Maybe a total 10-12 times during our entire 3 year marriage.  A disaster, so depressing.

My ex-wife complained about everything, everyone.  It didn't matter what.  Never a happy a person and dealt with depression.

She's seeing someone new now, the cycle continues.     

[Suzn]

Did your ex manage to pull the wool over your friends' eyes? 

Staying on track. Absolutely, she could be charming and fun, that's why I was initially attracted to her. I was embarrassed later too, for a different reason. I was embarrassed because I saw the behaviors, some right off, some of the "this doesn't add up" and I still proceeded forward. I did nothing to protect myself emotionally. Frankly, I had no clue how.

Did you notice any flags? What are your plans for the future to protect yourself emotionally mango?