Feeling like all is lost

[Eclaire5]

Just like the title of Redford’s new movie “ All is Lost”. That’s the way I have been feeling lately. Lost in the middle of the ocean with no hope and no direction. Just an immense void in the pit of my soul. Our DD 21 admitted a few days ago that she recently started using heroine. Of course we appreciated her sincerity and honesty, but felt like a great abyss opened right in front of me when my suspicions were finally confirmed. We have been dealing with her BPD for quite a while, but now on top of it we have to deal with a drug dependence problem. She is now in rehab (went in willingly after her boyfriend convinced her). The problem now is that after he was the one who got her into the hard drugs, he wants to end the relationship because “she is too dramatic”. He hasn’t talked to her since she checked in to the hospital, which was Saturday, and yesterday when we went to visit she was in the foulest of moods. I suppose she is angry that he has not called or visited, and as usual, used me and my husband as punching bags. She got angry because we didn’t bring what she had requested (she asked for a curling iron and we brought a flat iron by mistake), and ended her visit with us after just a few minutes. Went back to her floor throwing a fit with the nurse, etc. etc. I really don’t want to go visit her today, but I know she needs me right now. Don’t know what to do…

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

Eclaire5,

If you do not feel like visiting her, I would stay home and talk on the phone.  You did see her on Saturday.  How often is visiting?  That sounds quite frequent, if you are going in less than a week.  I jsut went back and re-read your post.  You were just there, yesteerday!  Please take a break and take care of yourself!

I can empathize with having kids with drug addiction problem.  My uBPDd(29) is an addict in methadone treatment.  My son(32) is an addict, but he does not llive near.  I hope he is able to remain clean.  I know that he was shooting up heroin, when he lived locally.  Now his job is about 8 hours away from us.  I jsut have to let go and let God on that one. 

My dd has been in rehab twice.  And, she refuses to go back because she says that her third time would be at least 6 months.

I am just surprised that a rehab would allow you to visit so frequently. I don't think that it is a good thing to visit so soon and to visit more than once a week.  Let her do her work on herself.

And, take care of yourself!

peaceplease

[jellibeans]

dear Eclaire5

I am so sorry... . on the one hand it is hard to hear your dd is doing such hard drugs but good that she is in rehab... . I can not imagine what my response would be to this but give yourself time to absorb it all... . stay home if you are not up to visiting... take time for yourself too! I agree with peace in that I don't thik you need to visit everyday... . please us posted and I am hoping all the best for your dd  

[Eclaire5]

Thank you guys, I really needed that reassurance today because I don't feel strong enough to face her today. On Sunday she was great, apologizing for putting us through all of this, and feeling very ashamed that she suddenly went from a regular pot user to a heroin addict. However, yesterday was a different story and I felt very depressed after the visit. Sometimes is just so hard to understand how everything turned out. She grew up in a very normal, stable, loving home. My husband and I might disagree on things from time to time but we never fight. We always treated her well and made sure that she grew up in good environments. However, her genetics might be stronger than the way she was raised. Who knows.

[CopinginNY]

Believe it or not, having a "co-morbid" condition like substance abuse might be a something in your favor.  In today's society, I have found time and time again, those WITH substance abuse CAN AND WILL get better care.  If you are "just" Borderline, your condition isn't what the medical community calls "medically treatable", therefore, your child is just released from any facility with instructions to do "out-patient".  Well, if you are in a rural community, with little resources such as therapists that do BPD, AND accept your insurance, you are out of luck.  BUT, with a co-moribid condition, like heroin addiction, it UPS the anty, and suddenly there IS some kind of help, IF, and only IF your child accepts it.  ANY psych help is better than nothing.  I pray that what I have said is applicable to you. 

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Eclaire5,

Having your child take heroin just must be unbelievably scary... .  

It's good to hear she is in rehab. Here's to hoping she will get clean and stay that way... .

On the other hand, even if she didn't, there is hope.

There are other parents who's children suffer/suffered from both BPD and addiction issues.

It seems that a dual diagnosis program can be very helpful in such cases. Here are two stories (one of an adult son in dual diagnosis program, and another of a young girl who was addicted to heroin) that might give you both - hope and helpful information:

21-day stay at a Dual Diagnosis Center - progress

A hope for DD16 - Today is intervention day

[ConflictedxAMillion]

Hi Eclaire,

I know how devastating this is for you and exactly how you are feeling.  The same happened with my daughter (now 21).  She too went from a "regular pot user" to snorting heroin.  (She won't shoot it because she's afraid of needles).  Then she started doing whatever she could get her hands on... . cocaine, suboxen, klonopin, etc. 

As a mom we wonder where we went wrong, or at least I did.  My daughter too was raised in a loving home, good environment, etc.  However she started having "social issues" in grade school that just escalated from there.  There were many days I wanted to give up the fight for her, and then I would rebound and give it my all as far as advocating for her to find the help she desperately needed.

The only problem was - I was fighting for it MUCH harder than she was. 

I agree with the previous poster who was indicating that with the drug addiction and the BPD, it was easier to get her into a dual diagnosis program - of which she checked herself out of after 10 days.  That was extremely frustrating for me.

She eventually relapsed and got herself into so much trouble here (Vermont), that her and her boyfriend moved to Texas to live with his parents the week before Thanksgiving.  Now I only have her word to go by as far as how things are going.  She's always been very masterful at lying.  It's been very hard - as far as - I often wonder if it may be the last time I ever see her alive.  It's a very real possibility that she may succumb to her addiction like so many others.

One of many things I've come to realize just in the past year or so is that I can't fix it for her.  She has to be the one that wants to get better.  She has to be the one to do the work - where for many years I always felt like I was the one doing most of the work.  I took a  telecommunications family connections class through the NEABPD and learned this to be RADICAL ACCEPTANCE.  It's been very helpful for me in keeping my sanity with it all.  I highly recommend it to you.  They talk about many different techniques to help with changing your own behavior for the betterment of the relationship between the family and the one suffering with BPD.

I know how difficult it is, but as the others said, you need to take time for yourself so you can deal more effectively with your own emotions, your relationships with others besides your daughter, and maintaining a relationship with her.

Thinking of you and hoping your 2nd wind will come soon.

[Eclaire5]

Thank you all so much  . I agree with you Coping, having a dual diagnosis might help her to get better treatment. She is still in the hospital and she called today saying that she is feeling better. I didn't end up going last night but my husband did. It helped to just stay home alone with the dogs watching t.v (something I hardly ever have time to do). Just zoned out with a tea in my hands and tried to relax.

Conflicted: It seems like you went through a major storm as well, and you are right, it's so frustrating to realize that we work harder than they do at trying to help them. It is so exhausting, and at times I feel like just throwing the the towel on the floor and call it quits, but I can't, at least not yet. My religious faith has been a great help, and even though sometimes I feel hopeless, I know that God is carrying me in his arms and eventually things will be all right.

I truly appreciate your responses, it was the first time I opened up a new post. Always commented on others but never opened my own thread, and I am glad I did because it feels much better to know that others understand what I am going through. Blessings to all