How to get out when suicide looms

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone  - I've been on here a couple years back. I'm shocked I'm still in the same position I was then. I believe my partner has BPD, he goes to a counselor now which is great, but the counselor doesn't think he has BPD. Rather depression, anxiety, OCD, which he does suffer from. The only meds he takes are for anxiety as needed.

We've both become broken down by life, and fighting with each other, and know we have to move on and get divorced. But then the suicide threats come to lure me back and I can never get out without taking the chance that he will hurt himself. We still both love each other but know we are not good for each other anymore. He blames me for keeping him alive. He threatens suicide a lot, but I also know that he truly wants to be dead. This has been going on for years, all the ups and downs. Along with mental health, he also has other health issues that make him tired and sick every day. Our beloved dog also recently passed away, which was his best buddy too. Then you have our relationship difficulties on top of it. He racked up 50k of credit card debt on gambling because he said he was planning on killing himself. So there's that financial pressure too. Our lives just continue to get worse the more we stay together.

He feels like nothing will get better so might as well kill himself. I've begged him to try any other option. Or simply take a break from life for treatment. But as a man he does not want that stigma placed upon him by his work staff/managers as he says they'll lose respect for him. He simply thinks if he's dead though that he won't care afterwards because he'll be dead. I also have to walk a fine line when it comes to our dog who has passed, saying she's in a better place, when he too wants to go to that place.

At this point I'm barely functioning myself in my job and keeping myself afloat emotionally. I have goals for myself and my future that he can't give to me or chooses not to (one being children- he changed his mind). I have nothing left to give now. I can't do it anymore. A counselor told me in the past that I cannot hold myself accountable if he kills himself. It's his life and his choice. But it's hard accepting that, because he has stayed alive this long while I've been in the picture. I know this is an element of control too from both sides. Of course, if I leave and he does that, I will feel accountable. He has tried in the past to kill himself and he talks about hanging himself all the time now. I love him and he's my best friend, I just want to see him happy again.

For anyone who's been in a similar place, do you have any encouraging thoughts on how to go about this (getting out, getting him to help himself)?   

Especially when you have someone who is so stubborn and unwilling to listen to those that love him (including his parents/siblings)?  Thank you 

[Maddie84]

Hi everyone  - I've been on here a couple years back. I'm shocked I'm still in the same position I was then. I believe my partner has BPD, he goes to a counselor now which is great, but the counselor doesn't think he has BPD. Rather depression, anxiety, OCD, which he does suffer from. The only meds he takes are for anxiety as needed.

We've both become broken down by life, and fighting with each other, and know we have to move on and get divorced. But then the suicide threats come to lure me back and I can never get out without taking the chance that he will hurt himself. We still both love each other but know we are not good for each other anymore. He blames me for keeping him alive. He threatens suicide a lot, but I also know that he truly wants to be dead. This has been going on for years, all the ups and downs. Along with mental health, he also has other health issues that make him tired and sick every day. Our beloved dog also recently passed away, which was his best buddy too. Then you have our relationship difficulties on top of it. He racked up 50k of credit card debt on gambling because he said he was planning on killing himself. So there's that financial pressure too. Our lives just continue to get worse the more we stay together.

He feels like nothing will get better so might as well kill himself. I've begged him to try any other option. Or simply take a break from life for treatment. But as a man he does not want that stigma placed upon him by his work staff/managers as he says they'll lose respect for him. He simply thinks if he's dead though that he won't care afterwards because he'll be dead. I also have to walk a fine line when it comes to our dog who has passed, saying she's in a better place, when he too wants to go to that place.

At this point I'm barely functioning myself in my job and keeping myself afloat emotionally. I have goals for myself and my future that he can't give to me or chooses not to (one being children- he changed his mind). I have nothing left to give now. I can't do it anymore. A counselor told me in the past that I cannot hold myself accountable if he kills himself. It's his life and his choice. But it's hard accepting that, because he has stayed alive this long while I've been in the picture. I know this is an element of control too from both sides. Of course, if I leave and he does that, I will feel accountable. He has tried in the past to kill himself and he talks about hanging himself all the time now. I love him and he's my best friend, I just want to see him happy again.

For anyone who's been in a similar place, do you have any encouraging thoughts on how to go about this (getting out, getting him to help himself)?   

Especially when you have someone who is so stubborn and unwilling to listen to those that love him (including his parents/siblings)?  Thank you 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Maddie84:  
I'm so sorry that your partner is struggling with suicidal thoughts.  You are in a difficult situation.  Have you thought about seeing a therapist for yourself?  It might be best to have a professional to guide you through the break-up process, if that is the path you want.

I believe my partner has BPD, he goes to a counselor now which is great, but the counselor doesn't think he has BPD. Rather depression, anxiety, OCD, which he does suffer from. The only meds he takes are for anxiety as needed.

I'm wondering if he tells his counselor that he is suicidal? Has he tried any antidepressants (need to take daily)?  Who prescribes the anxiety med., primary care doc. or a psychiatrist?

Any chance of adopting a new dog?  Perhaps if he could bond with a new animal, it might help him.

The article at the link below has some has some helpful information about suicide prevention:

SAFETY FIRST- CLICK HERE

If he is into texting, the link below to a crisis text line could be helpful:
www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works/

The website below has a phone number to call for a local suicide hotline and has information to support suicide survivors and family members.

www.suicidepreverntionlifeline.org/#

. . .Especially when you have someone who is so stubborn and unwilling to listen to those that love him (including his parents/siblings)

Are his parents and siblings aware that he is suicidal?  

[Maddie84]

Hi Naughty,

Thank you for the resources. I have seen a counselor in the past. They talk like it's so easy to leave when it really isn't. In a way I feel like he uses the suicide threat to manipulate me, it's as if it's a game sometimes. But that really depends on what side of him I'm dealing with. I've always said I feel like a yo-yo and I can't cut the string.

Yes he has told his counselor about his suicidal thoughts. But he's very smart and he knows if he sounds too suicidal she will have to get him help, so she doesn't know the extent. She finds out a lot more if I go with, then he gets mad at me for divulging it.

New dog... .he said he would like to work on rescuing dogs but has not done anything with that yet. He says he does not want a new dog right now though. His grieving process has been lengthy and he's just starting to accept that our dog is gone, she died six months ago.

I have called a suicide line in the past and he eventually did talk to the person which helped him calm down. Thanks for the info. He's seen some psychiatrists in the past and has a current one. He has tried a couple antidepressants a couple years back but he didn't like the side effects and would not stay on them. He thinks they'll change him into another person or make him less smart. I understand why he doesn't want to be on drugs, but the thing is he's not motivated to be healthy in other ways either (exercise, diet).

Yes his family is aware but he makes sure they don't know the details or to what level he is contemplating it. They usually don't know until I ask them to get involved or tell them what he has been saying. Sometimes he just turns his phone off and doesn't answer their phone calls. But he'll still answer for me and fight with me. That's one reason I feel I'm the lifeline here.

Another thing with him, he's so afraid to look in the mirror at himself and figure out what will make himself happy. He's always been one to look to others to fill up the empty hole he feels, but he's not able to do it for himself. There is definitely a lot of self-hate going on.

Thanks for listening. I'm going to try my best to maintain my own sanity right now and pray that he will ask for help one day. I don't know what else to do. Either way you look at it, it's going to end bad, but I'm just praying it's not with his life.

[Lucky Jim]

In a way I feel like he uses the suicide threat to manipulate me, it's as if it's a game sometimes. But that really depends on what side of him I'm dealing with. I've always said I feel like a yo-yo and I can't cut the string.

Hey Maddie84, You hit the nail on the head: a suicide threat is the ultimate manipulation.  It's not so much a cry for help as it is a cry for attention, in my view.  My BPDxW threatened suicide roughly 15 times in the last five years of our marriage, so I can relate to your quandary.  My Ex held a knife to her throat; a razorblade to her wrist; threatened to take a bottle of pills; threatened to drown herself; threatened to jump off the third floor of our house; and more.  I attempted to validate her feelings, yet it still was terrifying.  I spoke to my Ex's T; I went to the local hospital and met with the behavioral health staff; I alerted my Ex's family; I talked to my T about it.  Yet I never thought that she really meant it; instead, she was acting out on her emotions, which were turbulent.  After the first few threats, I realized she was just crying wolf, yet I feared for the day when she actually carried it out.  Fortunately, that never happened.  I hope this doesn't sound cold, but after so many threats I reached a point where I knew it was all just BPD drama, yet the stress took an emotional toll.

LuckyJim

[Naughty Nibbler]

Maddie84:   

New dog... .he said he would like to work on rescuing dogs but has not done anything with that yet. He says he does not want a new dog right now though. His grieving process has been lengthy and he's just starting to accept that our dog is gone, she died six months ago.

  An opportunity to foster a dog (with the intent to find it a new home), can turn into an adoption.  Perhaps, it is a good thing to coax him into.  Animals can be good for people with anxiety and depression and can detour thoughts away from suicide.

He's seen some psychiatrists in the past and has a current one. He has tried a couple antidepressants a couple years back but he didn't like the side effects and would not stay on them. He thinks they'll change him into another person or make him less smart. I understand why he doesn't want to be on drugs, but the thing is he's not motivated to be healthy in other ways either (exercise, diet).

Another way to look at it, if he doesn't manage his depression, the side effect can be death.  If he is miserable and miserable to be around, got to wonder what part of that he sees as an advantage?  Some side effect from various meds resolve, after a couple of months.  I know one concern, for males, is sexual side effects from some of the meds.

Getting regular exercise is generally beneficial for both anxiety and depression.  Even going out for simple walks can be enough to make a difference.  Perhaps, he could volunteer to walk some dogs from a shelter or rescue group.  He could interact with animals and get some exercise at the same time.

It has to be disappointing to have a therapist that thinks it is easy to break up with a pwBPD. Was BPD something your prior counselors specialized in?  From what I've seen with some online search engines to find therapists, some will counsel those with any disorders/mental illness, some may exclude a few things, while other will note that they specialize in a few things (along with a list of other things). Probably best to select someone who lists Personality Disorders as one of their strong points.

Sometimes, the personality of the counselor can make a difference, and I'm thinking one who focuses more on BPD clients, might be an advantage.   If you decide to try therapy again, it might be worthwhile to interview a few specifically about support for breaking up with a pwBPD and see who give you the best response.

What are you doing right now to manage your stress?  Got to take care of yourself. 

[Maddie84]

In a way I feel like he uses the suicide threat to manipulate me, it's as if it's a game sometimes. But that really depends on what side of him I'm dealing with. I've always said I feel like a yo-yo and I can't cut the string.

Hey Maddie84, You hit the nail on the head: a suicide threat is the ultimate manipulation.  It's not so much a cry for help as it is a cry for attention, in my view.  My BPDxW threatened suicide roughly 15 times in the last five years of our marriage, so I can relate to your quandary.  My Ex held a knife to her throat; a razorblade to her wrist; threatened to take a bottle of pills; threatened to drown herself; threatened to jump off the third floor of our house; and more.  I attempted to validate her feelings, yet it still was terrifying.  I spoke to my Ex's T; I went to the local hospital and met with the behavioral health staff; I alerted my Ex's family; I talked to my T about it.  Yet I never thought that she really meant it; instead, she was acting out on her emotions, which were turbulent.  After the first few threats, I realized she was just crying wolf, yet I feared for the day when she actually carried it out.  Fortunately, that never happened.  I hope this doesn't sound cold, but after so many threats I reached a point where I knew it was all just BPD drama, yet the stress took an emotional toll.

LuckyJim

Thanks Lucky Jim for the insight and your own experience. Sounds like you did a lot to help your Ex too. I'm glad she didn't hurt herself. I've been in the same place talking mine down from doing something drastic too. I hope I'm in the same place as you after this is all over. I really hope it's just BPD drama. But man! It's taken an emotional toll on my mind and body. To the point that I don't ever want to be in another relationship again. I  feel like I've been his mental caretaker for so long and I am looking forward to taking care of myself for once. And I hope he does the same for himself. Like a horse, I feel like I keep leading him to the water, but he keeps turning around and hightailing it out to the desert! He will have to do it himself now if he chooses to work on himself. I think I understand that better now. Thank you for listening 

[Maddie84]

Maddie84:   

Another way to look at it, if he doesn't manage his depression, the side effect can be death.  If he is miserable and miserable to be around, got to wonder what part of that he sees as an advantage?  Some side effect from various meds resolve, after a couple of months.  I know one concern, for males, is sexual side effects from some of the meds.

Getting regular exercise is generally beneficial for both anxiety and depression.  Even going out for simple walks can be enough to make a difference.  Perhaps, he could volunteer to walk some dogs from a shelter or rescue group.  He could interact with animals and get some exercise at the same time.

It has to be disappointing to have a therapist that thinks it is easy to break up with a pwBPD. Was BPD something your prior counselors specialized in?  From what I've seen with some online search engines to find therapists, some will counsel those with any disorders/mental illness, some may exclude a few things, while other will note that they specialize in a few things (along with a list of other things). Probably best to select someone who lists Personality Disorders as one of their strong points.

Sometimes, the personality of the counselor can make a difference, and I'm thinking one who focuses more on BPD clients, might be an advantage.   If you decide to try therapy again, it might be worthwhile to interview a few specifically about support for breaking up with a pwBPD and see who give you the best response.

What are you doing right now to manage your stress?  Got to take care of yourself. 

Hi Naughty. I understand what you're saying but in his mind his only option is death. He thinks his life has gone to crap and he feels sick all the time, so might as well. He thinks he will find the ultimate peace that way. It's not logical at all, yet he's not thinking logically either. Some days he's barely functioning. He did have sleep apnea surgery and was not getting enough oxygen during his sleep prior. So I was hoping that would help a lot afterwards. He said he is sleeping better and feeling better now, but mentally is still the same issues. Maybe it takes more time though. I will see how I can help him with the dog volunteering. Maybe if he had some other commitment to live for and to keep him busy, then he wouldn't be so focused on death.

His counselor has experience with BPD according to her website, but it may not be much from the sounds of it. My husband says she told him he didn't have it because he can maintain his job and other family relationships. And she told me in a session that he doesn't have BPD. But she definitely sees another side of him when I am present during sessions. Also, from what I read on this site and elsewhere, it's often the partner that is the only one that experiences the behavior. She does do DBT and CBT and he says it's been helping him.  But I've been told by both not to label his mental issues, so we don't talk about it much as it will anger him. I think we could have found someone better versed in BPD though. But when you have a partner who doesn't believe he has it, what do you do?

For me, I'm just trying to stay strong and take each day as it comes. Keeping my eye on the light ahead. But I have definitely grown apathetic to life and work, not exercising or taking care of myself as I used to, and just trying to get by. We have both agreed that I'll move out, trying to firm up a place to move to right now. But man, that's going to be one rough day moving everything out after being in a relationship with him for 15 years.      Thank you for listening and your encouragement. It helps to know I'm not alone out there