Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I believe my husband has BPD. He has not been diagnosed, but was previously treated for depression and bi-polar disorder. He has since stopped taking any medications and found a new therapist whom he seems to really like. She recently sent him home with the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' suggesting that he was living with someone who has BPD. I immediately questioned this and (of course) a fight was initiated. I started reading the book myself at night while he slept and am both scared & elated to find so many similarities between his behavior & that described in the book. His raging temper, constant apathy, and fluctuating moves have me prepared to leave, but finding a possible solution would be ideal so I'm now rethinking my decision to leave in hopes that he might embrace a diagnosis & treatment this time.
Are my hopes of change unrealistic or do I owe him this opportunity ?

[LucasOleary]

I believe my husband has BPD. He has not been diagnosed, but was previously treated for depression and bi-polar disorder. He has since stopped taking any medications and found a new therapist whom he seems to really like. She recently sent him home with the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' suggesting that he was living with someone who has BPD. I immediately questioned this and (of course) a fight was initiated. I started reading the book myself at night while he slept and am both scared & elated to find so many similarities between his behavior & that described in the book. His raging temper, constant apathy, and fluctuating moves have me prepared to leave, but finding a possible solution would be ideal so I'm now rethinking my decision to leave in hopes that he might embrace a diagnosis & treatment this time.
Are my hopes of change unrealistic or do I owe him this opportunity ?

[heartandwhole]

Hi LucasOleary,



This is a sobering discovery, and I'm glad you reached out. You've found a great place for support here. There are members who understand what you are going through, and tons of tools and resources that can help you and your relationship. The fact that your husband is in therapy you are open to solutions bode well for giving your relationship another chance.

Only you can decide the right path for you, but you are not alone—we are here to share our experiences and walk with you as you look at the options.

Have you seen any improvement in your husband's challenging behaviors since he's been seeing this new therapist?

How is your support system—do you have friends and family whom you can lean on and talk to ?

Keep posting and sharing your story. It helps all of us. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

Hi LucasOleary, I'd like to join heartandwhole and welcome you to BPD Family  . You mention your husband coming home with the Walking on Eggshells book. I’m curious as to why his therapist gave him that particular book given it’s usually recommended for people trying to cope with a borderline in their life. Is your husband suggesting that you have BPD? It makes me wonder what he’s discussed with the therapist and if he’s owning his behaviours as opposed to projecting them onto you? Do you know if he has discussed his raging with his therapist and what she may have said? The decision to stay with someone with BPD is a complex one and we have lots of information over on the Saving and Improving boards that can help you to decide, along with tools and strategies to help you cope. We can help you gain a clear picture of what you’re dealing with whatever you decide.

[formflier]

Are my hopes of change unrealistic or do I owe him this opportunity ?

pwBPD (how we say "people with BPD" on the boards) can change.  Most of the time it is not a simple, straightforward process.  3 steps forward, 2 back, 1 sideways, 1 forward... .etc etc. 

I would hope that you can let your hubby work through the book and treatment for a while.  Give him some space.

In the meantime, I hope you can find ways to take better care of you and to learn about the skills needed to live with someone that has "BPDish" type behaviors. 

Once you have a good idea of what you are dealing with and skills needed, you should also have an idea of how therapy is working for your hubby. 

That's a good place to start making decisions about your life.

How does that sound?

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome.  Always feel free to post and let it out here.  This is a good place - with people who have "been there, done that."

I was not clear from what you wrote about concerning the the book.  Was the new therapist (T) recommending the book because your husband is looking for insight into himself? Or the other way around?

I had the impression that the T and husband had suspected _you_ of having BPD traits.  In which case I would be very concerned.  I note in my marriage, if I describe an abusive behavior, and give it a name (blame, projection, black and white thinking) it takes about a week before my wife accuses me of the behavior and has examples from her distorted facts (by the way, feelings become facts for some pwBPD).  

If this is what is happening to you, that the T is lead along by your husband, who is projecting his behavior onto you, describing to the the T, then the T making recommendation upon that, then, I am afraid you have a long and bumpy road ahead.  It is common-place for pwBPD to see themselves as the victim.  It is repeated often to not accuse or approach your BPD partner with the suggestion that they have BPD.  Likewise, couples therapy is rarely successful since some pwBPD are persuasive emotional blamers - and can turn the session and counselor against you.

[Faith_88]

Larmoyant,

Hi LucasOleary, I'd like to join heartandwhole and welcome you to BPD Family  . You mention your husband coming home with the Walking on Eggshells book. I’m curious as to why his therapist gave him that particular book given it’s usually recommended for people trying to cope with a borderline in their life. Is your husband suggesting that you have BPD?

I don't know if this is a tactic therapists may use, but the first thing I wondered was if it was an indirect way to introduce him to BPD and gage whether he had anosygnosia or would recognise his own behaviour in the book? It seems a bit risky/downright amoral though, at the expense of incorrectly shifting the focus onto LucasOleary.

Just a thought, probably not worth much!

[formflier]

That was my best guess as well.  That the T sent the book home to see if it would spur any sort of introspection at all, or if it would result in blaming others.

My guess is that working with a pwBPD that sees nothing they do as wrong... .as futile.  Perhaps the T wanted to cut to the chase and see what they were working with.

I agree with others this strategy, if true, seems risky.

FF

[Larmoyant]

It seems a bit risky/downright amoral though, at the expense of incorrectly shifting the focus onto LucasOleary.

Hi LucasOleary, I was thinking along similar lines. It does seem a strange way for a therapist to get your husband to recognise his own behaviour. It seems more likely that he’s projected his behaviours onto you and as Sam mentions that seems to be a common practice for pwBPD. Same with my ex. Does your husband take responsibility or tend to shift blame onto you? It’s hard to sort anything out when a person refuses to take ownership of their own behaviours.

It’s a good sign that he‘s seeing a therapist though and clearly recognises he has a problem. Why did he leave the last one and stop taking his meds?