Can't get over the guilt

[Pinkunicorn]

My aunt has been showing symptoms of BPD (not seeking any help). She rejects going to a psychiatrist. For years, I have not been understanding her love bombing/hating attitude towards me. I have always tried to be careful with my words because anything could make her angry. She has been lying to me for years about other family members and destroy my relationship with them. Even with my own mother and father. I haven't talked to her for 2 years (as I started showing symptoms of anxiety and went to therapy) and most of our relatives passed away. Yet, I can't get over the guilt. I know she's very lonely and I feel that because she has a medical condition I need to be supporting her. If something happens to her I would be feeling extremely guilty. I just want her to be happy.

[Harri]

hi Pinkunicorn and welcome to the board!  You found a place where we are all dealing with a family member with BPD or BPD traits.  We can give you support and help you if you want to navigate your way to a different sort of relationship with your aunt, one that allows you to manage and understand any guilt you may feel while also allowing for the possibility to have a more stable relationship with her.

I am sorry to hear your aunt is causing difficulty with the rest of your family, especially your own parents.  What has happened with them? 

Wanting your aunt to be happy is very kind of you.  Unfortunately it is not under your control and never was.  Even with a medical condition she has to learn to take care of herself and make her own choices.  BPD traits makes that very very difficult, but you still can't change that for her.

Again, I want to say welcome and encourage you to settle in and post, even in other peoples threads.  Building community and speaking with others in similar situations is very helpful and can lead to understanding our own situations. I hope you dig in and get comfortable.  We get it here.

[Pinkunicorn]

hi Pinkunicorn  



I am sorry to hear your aunt is causing difficulty with the rest of your family, especially your own parents.  What has happened with them?  

Thank you so much for the supportç My mom passed away which made everything worse for her as my aunt was extremely harsh on my mom. I also think she replaced my mom with me. My father cut all of his contact several years ago.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I am so sorry to hear of your moms passing.  it sounds like she might have been on the receiving end of a lot of your aunts poor behaviors then and now that your mom is gone, your aunt has turned her attention to you, right?  And your father cut off contact with your aunt several years ago, not you?

How are you with determining your boundaries and then setting and following through on them?  Do you feel you have the right to say no to your aunt?  What sorts of things does she do that you find difficult?  Sorry to hit you with so many questions, it makes it easier to know how to guide you and possibly offer some articles and tools you can learn here.  We can help you with a lot of that sort of stuff.

[Pinkunicorn]

now that your mom is gone, your aunt has turned her attention to you, right?  And your father cut off contact with your aunt several years ago, not you?

Yes, she believes (and told me several times) I'm a copy of my mother and I'm jealous of her. She even said I might get sick like my mom because of my jealousy of her. I always felt bad for her and tried to be with her as I know she doesn't have friends around her anymore. But I also cut the contact with her.

How are you with determining your boundaries and then setting and following through on them? 
I haven't seen her in 2 years. I told her I couldn't be able to stand her emotional burden she put on me. She had a surgery and diagnosed with a disease now and I feel guilty.

 Do you feel you have the right to say no to your aunt? 
I was a type of person who had hard time saying people no. Yet, through therapy I learned to say no to my aunt and others.

 What sorts of things does she do that you find difficult? 

Not happening now because I don't see her. But she always uses projection. She says I don't know the meaning of family because nieces don't treat their aunts bad (actually she treats me bad). She says my mom died because I didn't help her (I was taking care of my mom all the time and it is apparent that I can't cure cancer). She says my mother was never loved by their parents (actually my mom was a golden child). She also changes history and says my parents never loved me. During the times I saw her she insisted on talking on these same topics all over again.

[Harri]

Okay, I see you are familiar with projection then and in more than one way!  Ugh, it is a hard behavior to have to deal with as are the rest of the cruel things she said.  It is good that you have taken steps to protect yourself from further verbal and emotional abuse.  I am glad youa re out of the line of fire.

At this point do you want to have more contact with her or are you looking for help processing the past and maybe reducing your feelings of guilt?

[JNChell]

Hello, Pinkunicorn. I’d like to join Harri in welcoming you.

It sounds like you’re having a difficult time in dealing with your aunt and figuring out what the best path is to take with her. If I’m reading correctly, your aunt has turned her aggression towards you since your mother’s passing. It’s really something to watch this happen. To watch an individual go from person to person because they can’t handle what’s inside of them. I’m sorry that you’ve become a target.

Harri has the bases covered here. She’s a very helpful and experienced person. I hope that you’ll continue to post. We’re a peer based support group. We help each other here because we’ve all been through very similar situations. I’m glad that you’re with us, Pinkunicorn.

[Pinkunicorn]

At this point do you want to have more contact with her or are you looking for help processing the past and maybe reducing your feelings of guilt?

 I am way better without her. I have gone through therapy and now out of medication for my anxiety. I am cured yet also when I think about the past I feel very wounded. Also, when I look at her pictures from her 20s I feel so sad that she has suffered her entire life. My problem is that, I have an ethical dilemma. Because she is "sick" I feel that it is our duty to help her in some way. She doesn't believe in psychologists or actually positive science. As she is now diagnosed with a lung disease I don't know how to feel.

[Pinkunicorn]

Hello, Pinkunicorn. I’d like to join Harri in welcoming you.

It sounds like you’re having a difficult time in dealing with your aunt and figuring out what the best path is to take with her. If I’m reading correctly, your aunt has turned her aggression towards you since your mother’s passing. It’s really something to watch this happen. To watch an individual go from person to person because they can’t handle what’s inside of them. I’m sorry that you’ve become a target.

Harri has the bases covered here. She’s a very helpful and experienced person. I hope that you’ll continue to post. We’re a peer based support group. We help each other here because we’ve all been through very similar situations. I’m glad that you’re with us, Pinkunicorn.

Thank you so much. I have been reading this site since my registration yesterday and learned so much about the disease and it's great to see I'm not alone.