Co-dependent husband, BPD daughter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, I hope someone here can help!

I need legal advice, co-parenting advice for an impending divorce from my husband, who is boundary-less with our BPD 15yo, to her great detriment. I fear for her future, and he will not - cannot - act in concert with me to have any limits or consequences.  He is overwhelmed with fear and guilt and is easily bullied by our child.  I fear that he will continue to "kill her with kindness" by giving in to her every outburst and unreasonable demand, not encouraging therapy.  He just sticks his head in the sand - with this and all things.

He is a child of an alcoholic mother and a classic "nice guy" co-dependent, he cannot say no, or conceive of his own limits.  His mother was probably BPD - gambler, liar, always in crisis, her kids had to parent her. His father checked out. He is entirely unaware of the impact of his childhood on his emotional world. Never been in therapy and I honestly don't think he can change. We have steered clear of his mother since day 1, but he still gets calls from her all the time, demanding money or help. So here we are now with a daughter who has developed BPD. Full circle! Again he is the caretaker to an out of control woman.

He is nostalgic for our kids' early childhood days when he was their world and they were helpless. But as a parent of older kids, it's been a disaster and very frustrating. He is both cowed, overwhelmed, and passive. He rarely even asks them to do their dishes - feels too guilty - he wants to do it all, be needed - acts like a nice uncle, not a parent. This has been a big problem with our BPD daughter as she runs roughshod over him (and me). She is out of control - hitting us, calling us names, refusing to go to school, participate in therapy.  He is like a big marshmallow, rarely enforcing the consequences that we set with a parenting coach. I worry for her future.  It breaks my heart.

I've been trying to get her into therapy since age 6, after two people suggested it. But she was/is violently opposed and my husband has always maintained "she's fine."  She managed well for many years, with occasional freakouts due to black/white thinking, perfectionism, rejection sensitivity. But I knew that the clock was ticking and I was so worried about when adolescent hit. Sure enough, when she got her period at 13 the hormones seemed to tip the balance and she went sideways. She has always been closer to him because my husband is so indulgent, and also their personalities are more similar in a way - more anxious, introverted. But as the years went on their bond seemed greater than ours, and I also felt badly for our son, who didn't get as muc dad attention as he should have.  Honestly I've known I wanted out of the marriage for years, but lamely thought "well he's a nice guy/dad and I'll try to stay the course til the kids are gone."

After ages 13-14 being hell on earth with our daughter, I felt like I was beginning to break emotionally, like I had stayed strong through so much but just could not take it anymore with her raging and depression and violence and two suicide attempts, refusal to participate in her DBT therapy or go to school. I am the stay at home mom so I bore the brunt of it.  My husband subtly accused me of "provoking" her or not being patient enough with her and that's why it escalated, upset that I called the police once when she hit me and climbed on the roof.  It's like he wants to be the savior and he casts me out. But everyone around me was shocked we had not shipped her off to a res. treatment center - it was that insane.

His inertia and failure to help her, while blaming me subtly, when combined with having to deal with her all the time, raging at me, sucking me dry with her needs and demands, was too much and I couldn't do it another year. I asked him to move out (was assuming that in the separation he would take kids half time). He refused, stalled. Finally I moved out, just had to for my own mental health - and to give our 17 yo some space away from his raging sister who sucked all the air out of the room.

But now my husband is in the house with her, refusing to leave (I was a stay at home mom in that house for 18 yrs, did so much work on the house, garden - that breaks my heart too, but what can you do). Our daughter has painted me black, as the BPD folks say. She did that before I moved out, even. Tells people I am abusive, etc. Luckily the people in our life don't believe it, but there are always new people she tells her tale of woe to.  How do people deal with this? It's heartbreaking. Sometimes she will be with me, though, and it can feel like old times, and she is her old self in the best sense, but then she flips and lashes out - saying I've ruined her life, am the cause of all her problems, blablabla. 

It is so devastating. but I can somehow accept that I will not be in her life - if she wants that - but I cannot accept that she will be in his primary care. He cannot be a healthy parent with limits. I fear for her future because they are so enmeshed and he needs to be needed and she is a mess, not ready to live on her own. I feel like he is hobbling her for his own narcisstic needs. I know that's an exaggeration, but there are shades of it.

Is there someone out there who is savvy about how to prevent a co-dependent, enabler parent from preventing healing in a BPD?  There must be situations like this. I left a message with Bill Eddy in San Diego.  Thank you so much. Any and all advice related to this situation would be wonderful. It's screwed up, the whole thing. I take responsibility for being invalidating to her at times - she was such a difficult child to love, though I did and do. Is there any situation where you can force a parent to work with a parenting coach, ALWAYS? Or have a nanny who has a PhD in DBT? Honestly, for my daughter's sake she needs to witness healthy coping tools and boundaries.  Sorry so long : (

[Cordell]

Hello, I hope someone here can help!

I need legal advice, co-parenting advice for an impending divorce from my husband, who is boundary-less with our BPD 15yo, to her great detriment. I fear for her future, and he will not - cannot - act in concert with me to have any limits or consequences.  He is overwhelmed with fear and guilt and is easily bullied by our child.  I fear that he will continue to "kill her with kindness" by giving in to her every outburst and unreasonable demand, not encouraging therapy.  He just sticks his head in the sand - with this and all things.

He is a child of an alcoholic mother and a classic "nice guy" co-dependent, he cannot say no, or conceive of his own limits.  His mother was probably BPD - gambler, liar, always in crisis, her kids had to parent her. His father checked out. He is entirely unaware of the impact of his childhood on his emotional world. Never been in therapy and I honestly don't think he can change. We have steered clear of his mother since day 1, but he still gets calls from her all the time, demanding money or help. So here we are now with a daughter who has developed BPD. Full circle! Again he is the caretaker to an out of control woman.

He is nostalgic for our kids' early childhood days when he was their world and they were helpless. But as a parent of older kids, it's been a disaster and very frustrating. He is both cowed, overwhelmed, and passive. He rarely even asks them to do their dishes - feels too guilty - he wants to do it all, be needed - acts like a nice uncle, not a parent. This has been a big problem with our BPD daughter as she runs roughshod over him (and me). She is out of control - hitting us, calling us names, refusing to go to school, participate in therapy.  He is like a big marshmallow, rarely enforcing the consequences that we set with a parenting coach. I worry for her future.  It breaks my heart.

I've been trying to get her into therapy since age 6, after two people suggested it. But she was/is violently opposed and my husband has always maintained "she's fine."  She managed well for many years, with occasional freakouts due to black/white thinking, perfectionism, rejection sensitivity. But I knew that the clock was ticking and I was so worried about when adolescent hit. Sure enough, when she got her period at 13 the hormones seemed to tip the balance and she went sideways. She has always been closer to him because my husband is so indulgent, and also their personalities are more similar in a way - more anxious, introverted. But as the years went on their bond seemed greater than ours, and I also felt badly for our son, who didn't get as muc dad attention as he should have.  Honestly I've known I wanted out of the marriage for years, but lamely thought "well he's a nice guy/dad and I'll try to stay the course til the kids are gone."

After ages 13-14 being hell on earth with our daughter, I felt like I was beginning to break emotionally, like I had stayed strong through so much but just could not take it anymore with her raging and depression and violence and two suicide attempts, refusal to participate in her DBT therapy or go to school. I am the stay at home mom so I bore the brunt of it.  My husband subtly accused me of "provoking" her or not being patient enough with her and that's why it escalated, upset that I called the police once when she hit me and climbed on the roof.  It's like he wants to be the savior and he casts me out. But everyone around me was shocked we had not shipped her off to a res. treatment center - it was that insane.

His inertia and failure to help her, while blaming me subtly, when combined with having to deal with her all the time, raging at me, sucking me dry with her needs and demands, was too much and I couldn't do it another year. I asked him to move out (was assuming that in the separation he would take kids half time). He refused, stalled. Finally I moved out, just had to for my own mental health - and to give our 17 yo some space away from his raging sister who sucked all the air out of the room.

But now my husband is in the house with her, refusing to leave (I was a stay at home mom in that house for 18 yrs, did so much work on the house, garden - that breaks my heart too, but what can you do). Our daughter has painted me black, as the BPD folks say. She did that before I moved out, even. Tells people I am abusive, etc. Luckily the people in our life don't believe it, but there are always new people she tells her tale of woe to.  How do people deal with this? It's heartbreaking. Sometimes she will be with me, though, and it can feel like old times, and she is her old self in the best sense, but then she flips and lashes out - saying I've ruined her life, am the cause of all her problems, blablabla. 

It is so devastating. but I can somehow accept that I will not be in her life - if she wants that - but I cannot accept that she will be in his primary care. He cannot be a healthy parent with limits. I fear for her future because they are so enmeshed and he needs to be needed and she is a mess, not ready to live on her own. I feel like he is hobbling her for his own narcisstic needs. I know that's an exaggeration, but there are shades of it.

Is there someone out there who is savvy about how to prevent a co-dependent, enabler parent from preventing healing in a BPD?  There must be situations like this. I left a message with Bill Eddy in San Diego.  Thank you so much. Any and all advice related to this situation would be wonderful. It's screwed up, the whole thing. I take responsibility for being invalidating to her at times - she was such a difficult child to love, though I did and do. Is there any situation where you can force a parent to work with a parenting coach, ALWAYS? Or have a nanny who has a PhD in DBT? Honestly, for my daughter's sake she needs to witness healthy coping tools and boundaries.  Sorry so long : (

[ambivalentmom]

Welcome to BPD Family  ,

I am glad you found this site, I have been on here for over a year, and there are a lot of resources to get you started.  I would think about switching to the parenting a son/daughter with BPD board as far as support working with your daughter.

I also wanted to offer advice for you and your husband because my husband is very passive with our younger daughter and it drives me crazy (so I know the feeling).  She is only 3 and dictates meals, bedtime, naps, everything with him.  I have to keep telling him that he is the parent and he needs to establish strong boundries for her to feel secure in the world, but it doesn't matter because this advice is coming from me.  It needs to come from someone else. 

I would like to suggest doing whatever to get the family into counseling.  You can simply say, "what we are doing (in general) isn't working, so I would like to see a third, unbiased party to offer suggestions."  Me/my husband started therapy because we want to be on the same page about parenting and practice communicating better.  Try to get them on the idea that therapy is good even when you're "fine". 

Nobody grew up with interpersonal communication, identifying emotions, raising teenagers, selfworth, and personal boundry classes, so chances are that everyone in the world would benefit from some form of counseling (can you tell I'm very pro-counseling?) whether they are fine or not.  Both teens could also benefit because they are dealing with their parents splitting and living apart.

I hope you have a chance to read up on more resources here and I hope you are able to find all of the support you need.  Keep us posted on everything and take care of yourself too.